1120: How to Stop Living on Autopilot and Choose What Matters Most with Erin Coupe

Pete Mockaitis
Erin, welcome!

Erin Coupe
Thank you, Pete. It’s great to be here.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, it is great to be chatting with you and I’d love to hear, for starters, so founding, I Can Fit That In and writing a book, I Can Fit That In, could you share with us a surprising discovery you’ve made about us humans while walking this adventure?

Erin Coupe
Yeah, I’ve made it about myself, first and foremost, and then with clients. We get in our own way. We have a lot of limitations in our minds by the way of thoughts we have repetitively, which become beliefs. And left unchecked, those do not serve us. Go figure. And in the long run, when we do start to check those thoughts and really reframe those beliefs, we can achieve so much and live a much more fulfilling life.

Pete Mockaitis
Can you give us some top examples for how we get in our own way?

Erin Coupe
Well, I would say one of the top ones is that we believe things for a very long time that are actually not necessarily our own truth. They are things that are picked up along the way through societal or familial structures and systems. And they are beliefs that maybe, at some point, did serve someone in our lives, but maybe they don’t necessarily serve us. So let me just give you an example.

Growing up, you learn when you are a young child that you need to look both ways before you cross the street. That is a belief that will serve you your entire life, no matter where you go on this planet, right? It is something that was ingrained in you and you act upon that every single day, right, whether you’re driving, riding a bike, walking, you name it.

A belief that you’re never going to be good enough to be this or like that or this kind of person or live in that kind of place or whatever, there is absolutely no truth in that. It is not grounded in any sort of reality or fact, but maybe someone has told you that along the way.

Maybe it was a teacher or a coach or a parent or a grandparent or an aunt, uncle, sibling. Someone maybe has told you something like that that is not your truth. And yet if you continue to believe that, it will hold you back from your own potential.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, so I’m intrigued. We got one belief that you shared that works great for the whole life. You have one that seems like rubbish nonsense from the get-go. Could you also give us an example of something that, hey, that worked great before, but now it’s no longer working for you?

Erin Coupe
I’ll just give you from just one of my own experiences with this stuff, is that I believed for a long time that there’s no way I could start my own business. Now, the reason I believed that is because I had the stability and the security of a corporate job for a very long time. And while I knew I was onto something and wanting to start my own business based on passions, I also didn’t feel like it was meant for me.

I sort of saw entrepreneurship as something that was unreachable and something that was meant for other people, but definitely not someone like me. And yet, no, that’s not true. Who was I to tell myself that every single day without ever even trying it, right? So, I would let my own mind hold me back for a few years of wanting to start my own business before I actually did it.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s really interesting. And could you elaborate on that notion that, “There’s no way I can start my own business. That’s for other people and not me”? I’m wondering, is that just sort of the open and shut of it, or are there some sort of particular subpoints on the outline of that belief, if you will, in terms of, because I mean, someone might just say, “Well, why Erin?” It’s like, “Oh, I guess there’s no reason. Silly me. And I chuck it behind.” But is there more sort of support under that belief?

Erin Coupe
There’s a lot underneath it. And the thing is I teach this in a lot of my coaching and in my book. If we don’t go inward and actually start to dig as to why we believe something that no longer serves us, or maybe it never has, but it certainly doesn’t serve our future self, if we’re not doing that, then we’re just letting these sorts of fear-based beliefs drive our actions, or as I say, our inactions. And the inactions are even more important, many times, than the actions.

Because if you know that there’s something that you’re after, but then you look at everyone else and go, “Oh, that’s meant for them, it’s not for me,” that’s just a victimhood mindset. There’s no one that’s going to come in and change that for you. It is a personal responsibility to take a look at it and shift it into something that feels more aligned and feels more true to you.

So, at the very bottom or the very root of that belief I just shared with you that I held for some time, it was that I didn’t believe I was good enough to start my own business, and that was rooted in fear that people wouldn’t want what I have to offer.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, and it’s intriguing, and I guess if you dig into it, you’ll find different things at the root. And I’ve heard, I’m thinking about this specifically, if I can’t start my own business, and one is that, “But, boy, I just don’t think I would have the discipline to do all the things if I didn’t have a boss to report to.”

And I think there’s sort of an answer to everything in terms of, well, you could run experiments, get a coach, get an accountability partner, or find a co-working space, or make some commitments, you put some money on the line, whatever. Like, that’s solvable. Or, one I heard often, so in the United States for international listeners, there’s a bit of a health insurance situation, which is tricky.

It can be rather pricey if you’re on your own to take care of health insurance. And I’ve heard some people say, “Oh, well, I got to keep the job because I need the health insurance.” And so sometimes that is just some exploration away in terms of getting some quotes, and say, “Whoa, that is pricey, but it’s not, you know, astronomical. Now it’s a number that could be contended with.”

Erin Coupe
Right, no, absolutely. They are very real realities in any country, right? But that said, these beliefs aren’t just about starting a business or not.

Some of these beliefs are also just like very basic stuff. Like, for example, busyness equals importance, and, “My self-worth is measured on my output and my productivity.” Like, is that true? Well, no, it’s actually not true. You’re worthy, regardless of how much you can crank out every day, right?

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah. Okay. Well, so tell us then, what’s a little bit of perhaps the process of, you notice, “I’ve got this belief that it’s not helpful. It may or may not be true, but it doesn’t seem helpful.” What’s our next step? What do we do with that?

Erin Coupe
Yeah, the first and foremost thing is, you know, self-awareness is something that has to be developed and cultivated. It is not something that is supernatural to us. And the reason it’s not is because we do have this thing called society, right? We are raised by people in cultures that are just doing the best they can with what they know.

So, if everyone is just doing the best they can with what they know, then we are going to be a byproduct, essentially, of what we’re raised within. So, that being said, self-awareness comes down to not to be confused with self-analysis. I’m very, very keen on the fact that people have to understand this is not about analyzing yourself.

What self-awareness is, is knowing your sort of triggers and what makes you emotionally feel distraught or not like yourself, but then also what are some of those thoughts that you have that you don’t really want to have, the ones that really do hold you back or feel like they’re heavy or they’re daunting, but you’re having them repeatedly. Self-awareness is about noticing those things.

And the real key, the key aspect of this is, you know, Harvard Business Review said, in a couple of different research pieces that I found as I was writing the book, 85% of people believe they’re self-aware, but only 15% are. And that was as of a few years ago.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, we’ve had Dr. Tasha Eurich on the show a couple times, yeah, discussing some of that.

Erin Coupe
Yeah. And so, that’s the thing. It’s, like, if that’s the case, and that means we all have some ability to improve, we all have the ability to improve our self-awareness. And if we don’t, like I said in the beginning, if we don’t start to check some of what’s happening inside of us, understanding the emotions and the reactions that we’re having, and then being more aware of the thoughts that we have so that we can start to direct those thoughts, some may call it choose thoughts, right? We do have the ability to choose.

If we’re not doing that, we’re not self-aware. If we’re not noticing our emotions and our triggers and processing that, not necessarily always in real time, but as much as we can. And if we’re not questioning some of the thoughts we have, which turn into beliefs, then we’re not self-aware because how can we be? We’re just running on autopilot reacting to everything coming at us.

Pete Mockaitis
And I’d love your take on the choosing or directing of thoughts. Let’s say, we’ve started to take some steps here. So, it’s like, “Okay, it looks like I’ve got some sort of a belief that my value or worth is contingent upon my output or my success or results.” And then I get a disappointment, I try a thing really hard. I don’t get the outcome I want and I’m bummed. And then, I’m talking to myself in a not so handy way, like, “Oh, I’m a loser. This will never work out.’”

Okay, so he’s like, “All right. Oh, okay. I listened to Erin, and I’m hearing this is some self-awareness I got about me and how I operate and some thoughts that are popping up that I would prefer to choose otherwise, and yet they’re there. I got either some thoughts, there are some emotions. Now what?”

Erin Coupe
Yeah, thoughts create emotions, and emotions create thoughts, so it can be a very vicious cycle, right? I always talk about this kind of like a spiral, you know. And if it’s a funnel spiral and you start up here with a thought and emotion, eventually you’re going to keep going down that spiral.

And that’s why it’s called spiraling, and I’m sure you and your listeners, myself included, have all had that experience of what it means to feel a certain way and then think more of those things that make you feel that way again and again and again.

So, the awareness piece is about understanding when you are super reactionary, and creating a pause, an intentional pause, to take a look at what’s happening. And then this is not something that you can do by talking to another person, and saying, “Hey, what is happening within me right now?” This is something that only you can do with you.

Now people do things like therapy and what have you, in hindsight, yes, that could be helpful. But in your own self, what are you saying to you that you just no longer want to believe? What are you thinking that you no longer want to think? And what are you feeling that you want to shift? The awareness piece is the very first conscious step to making those shifts.

And without the awareness piece, those things are not going to shift on their own. Yeah, you might get a good night’s sleep and feel a little better the next day, but you’re still going to have the thoughts and the emotions and they’re going to keep rising up, right?

So, first of all, emotions are not a bad thing, and a lot of people want to only hold on to the really good ones, the excitement, the joy and the happiness and all that stuff, and they want to shine everything else that they feel.

Now, jealousy, envy, anger, irritability, all of it is just information. It’s just information. Where are you thinking about things that don’t serve you? Where are you believing things that don’t serve you? Where are you putting your energy or your focus or your attention that actually is not moving the needle in the way that you want to, or that is focusing on something that is just negative or not worth your time and attention, right? So, this is where that awareness piece is first and foremost.

And then the second thing is, and I like to give people this tool, one of the things that you can do that is so helpful is start to name that voice that talks to you in a way that you don’t like being spoken to. So, it’s like, would you talk to a friend the way that you talk to yourself in your own head? Would you go tell a friend to believe that they’re not worthy unless they have produced X amount per day? Or would you go tell a friend that they should equate their importance in life or how much they matter based on how busy they are?

Like, no, you would never do that, right? So, talk to yourself in a way you want to talk to. And one of the ways that you can start to make that distinction or delineation is to give that voice a name, that voice that likes to talk down to you. It likes to be mean, demean you, demoralize you. It likes to sabotage you. My own voice, her name is Erica. Lovely name, but it just works.

Like, Erin is who I am in my heart. That is my truth. That is my authentic self. That’s my essence, my core. But Erica is that person in my head who is literally just my ego. We all have one. And she likes to do things and say things that are just not so kind, right?

So, I can notice when she’s speaking up and I can choose to listen and to follow what she says, or I can choose to speak back to her and say, “Erica, I get what you’re doing. I understand. I totally know you’re here. I’m not going to shun you. I’m not going to act like you’re not here. But I don’t have to listen to that right now. I’m going to choose this direction or this thought instead.”

Pete Mockaitis
And I’m curious, how did you settle on the name Erica?

Erin Coupe
It felt like it was very similar to my name and it just felt right, yeah.

Pete Mockaitis
It’s like an alter ego.

Erin Coupe
Yeah. I mean, I’ve heard people be like, “Oh, it’s the devil,” “It’s Poseidon,” people give it whatever name they feel some sort of, I would say, a visceral response to most of the time. Some people pick up some terrible boss’ name or something like that, but, whatever.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, that’s interesting. In a way, I think that kind of matters, well, you tell me, because if you think it’s like the devil or a boss that you couldn’t stand, then it almost feels like this is an enemy that must be conquered, pushed against, vanquished, as opposed to a helper, like, “Oh, I see you’re trying to keep me safe or point out some watchouts, and thanks for your input…”

Erin Coupe
I agree.

Pete Mockaitis
“But I want to take a different path here.” So, I don’t know, do we want to dominate the alter ego or do we want to placate them, or what’s our optimal strategy?

Erin Coupe
Well, here’s the deal, it’s never going to go away, right? So, I’m a big friend to it. Like, I believe that we have to accept that it’s there. It has a purpose, right? Like, its purpose is that it likes to create predictability. It likes knowing what is going to happen.

The problem is, there’s no way to know what’s going to happen. It doesn’t know the future. It cannot predict the future. It only can decide and tell you things based on the past. That is very, very important to understand. Why listen to this voice in your head who has no idea what is going to happen?

Now, keeping you safe and all of that, yes, I mean, if you’re near a cliff and it’s slippery, like there’s some real scenarios there about keeping you safe. And so, fear will kick in and you need to listen to that voice. But if it’s just kind of your everyday life and it comes to making decisions and choices in your everyday life, I mean, how much do you need to just stay in that comfort zone, which is many times just familiar, and that’s why it’s comfortable, even though your growth lies outside of that?

We choose sometimes that predictability and that safety zone, that comfort zone, because anything outside of that is scary to our ego.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Very good. Well, you also talk a lot about rituals, so I’d love to get your pro take here. How does that fit in to I Can Fit That In?

Erin Coupe
Yeah, so “I can fit that in” is a mindset shift, essentially. Going from, “I don’t have time for that,” or, “I never have time for myself,” or, “I never have time for the things that matter to me,” to, “I can fit that in because it matters to me,” “I can fit that in because I want to give energy to it,” or, “I can fit that in because I want to receive energy from it.”

This is a complete 180, right? When we tell ourselves that we don’t have time for something that matters to us, all we’re doing is slipping into resentment, deep-seated anger, and a victimhood mindset. Versus, if we start to ask ourselves, “Is it worth fitting in?” if it matters to you, you’re going to find a way.

Just like if you think about, I don’t know, like dating, anyone who’s ever dated before, right? Like, most of us who are adults have. If you really want to see someone, you’re going to find a way to put that into your schedule. You’re going to find a way to fit that into your day, right?

Same goes for how we care for ourselves, how we care for others, how we show up with others, whether that’s our communities, our families, our friends, our colleagues, our clients. Rituals are the answer, from my perspective, on how you start to fit in what matters to you. You ritualize certain things that otherwise may just be an afterthought, or may just be things that kind of fall by the wayside in your everyday life when you don’t want them to.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. So, “I can fit that in,” as a reframe, is almost the affirmative positive opposite of, “I don’t have time.”

Erin Coupe
Exactly. Not about time management, whatsoever.

Pete Mockaitis
And so then, in a way, it also has, I guess, the contrary or opposing point. If there’s something that doesn’t matter to say, “I don’t have time,” is not really truthful, so much as it’s like, “That does not actually matter to me enough for me to choose to fit that in.”

And so, I don’t know, you probably want to use different language when you’re declining opportunities presented to yourself by others. But if you’re being real with yourself and how you’re choosing to deploy your time on this earth, I mean, that’s what’s really going on there.

Erin Coupe
That’s absolutely right. I mean, that’s why on the cover of the book, there’s a Luna Moth, which symbolizes transformation and growth, and there’s a pair of scissors inside of it, right, that are shown within the Luna Moth.

The scissors mean cut out the stuff that doesn’t matter. Cut out the stuff that drains you, right? That requires radical responsibility. Because a lot of people squander away so much time, energy, and attention on things that literally do not move the needle, do not add value, and bring absolutely no energy to them. In fact, they siphon energy from them.

And until they take stock of what those things are and start to put something else in place of them by way of a ritual that is meaningful, something that feels good, something that adds value to your life, brings vibrancy and vitality, something that delivers energy, which ultimately increases productivity, efficiency, and effectiveness.

So, I’m big on this productivity, time management thing. I’m like, we’ve kind of had this all wrong all along. We’ve been thinking about things about, “How much can I habit stack and productivity hack my way to effectiveness and to efficiency?”

And in the long run, a lot of that way of being, which is oftentimes very autopilot, very reactionary, very routine, what that ends up doing is draining us of the very life force that we’re trying to get more of.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, could you give us some examples of some top things that people do a lot that we might be better off getting the scissors to and cutting right out?

Erin Coupe
Well, first of all, we talked a little bit about it, but the way we talk to ourselves, that’s a big one. In the book, I call it like tending to your inner garden, right, the garden in your mind. If you think about a garden, when weeds grow, what do they do?

They actually keep the nutrients from the flowers or the bushes or the trees that are trying to grow, right? So, we got to get rid of the weeds in our own minds so that the stuff we want to really feed can start to really take root and grow and we can feed those seeds and nurture them.

I would say, there’s a lot of stuff that people do. So, there’s like kind of, I’ll just call it like the top few that I’ve seen over the years, again, myself included. So, for me, it was a daily 5:30 glass of wine for a while, which just became an unconscious habit. I just thought I needed to take the edge off every day, you know, “Oh, just take the edge off.”

Well, a couple of years of that, why didn’t I check myself and say, “Well, why do I need to take the edge off? Edge off of what?” So, starting to be very responsible with myself around, “Why am I choosing that rather than just choosing to be present with my toddlers at the time, and just be in the moment?”

And I needed, instead, to escape or go elsewhere for just a little bit, which one glass of wine would do. But you know, that is a big thing that people do. Substances, of course, that’s a thing.

Netflix or TV every night. There’s nothing wrong with choosing something that is mindless to just let your mind kind of wander and just do nothing, but if you’re going straight from work into managing your household into just letting something like TV news, etc., social media, take over, where is the time with yourself?

Where is the time where you actually get to know what’s happening in your own mind? Where is the time that you actually sit in stillness or allow yourself to be maybe more meditative or more reflective or to journal, those kinds of things, right?

So that’s where a lot of people choose something to keep themselves busy, even though that might not be productive, per se. And then other things, gaming, gambling, stress eating, all that kind of stuff. Those are the major ones that people end up kind of choosing unconsciously.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, and you talk in your book about autopilot, and I think that’s really eye opening because I’ve had this happen to myself in which I end up, you know, I’m clicking all over social media or the news or something. And it is, it’s just autopilot because you know it’s there. And I think if I actually stop and assess like, “What am I trying to get from this experience?”

And so, sometimes I could pinpoint it pretty precisely, it’s like, “Oh, what I want is to be utterly fascinated by something that engages the whole of my attention in an interesting, energizing way.” And every once in a while, social media will do that, it’s like, “Oh, my gosh. Wow, check this out. This is fascinating,” or, “Whoa, look at this article.” And so, every once in a while, that happens, but most of the time it doesn’t.

And so, you mentioned gaming, but I think that I actually have noticed that if I choose to do another activity, it can be recreational, but let’s say I’m going to do, I don’t know, a game like some chess puzzles or a Tetris battle, you know, it could be short, discrete, and accomplish that more reliably, and have an actually more clear exit ramp than, “Oh, this story goes on endlessly and links to many other questions” and delivers what I’m after with a better success rate and lower amount of time. And I feel better afterwards.

So, in terms of, and I like what you said. You could do something mindless but make it a winning mindless choice instead of just a default mindless choice.

Erin Coupe
I love how you framed that and it’s so true, because think about how you feel different after playing Sudoku, or doing a puzzle, or playing cards, or a board game with your family. Think about some of those things that you do versus getting sucked in where your energy is just siphoning away from you.

The mind is literally doing something different. All of the social media stuff is designed, very, very intentionally, to take from you. It’s why it’s free, you know? It’s just taking, taking, taking. Whereas, all these other things, you’re actually giving to yourself. You’re actually pulling energy back in because you’re using your mind in a completely different way that is more reflective and that is more intentional and conscious.

So, yeah, that default mode, look, we’re all going to do it, and it’s there for us anytime we want it, right? There’s no such thing as perfection here. But what this is about is realizing, like, look, if there are things in our lives that we want to go differently, or we want to create, or we want to get after, or we want to achieve, whatever that is, it’s up to us to make these shifts in our day-to-day where we start to feel better or feel different about the choices we make.

And I don’t know about you, but when I feel good energetically, when I’ve slept well, I’ve eaten well, I feel good about the work I’m doing, I feel good about how I’m showing up with my family, like how I’m showing up for myself, all those things, I am capable of so much more and I see way more possibility. And this is true for everybody I’ve worked with.

But when we are the opposite of that, when we’re just completely on autopilot, totally reactionary, I mean, I used to wake up going, “Ugh, another day,” you know, and I look back at that woman and think, “Geez, I can’t even believe that was the same person.”

But that’s the cycle I was in for so long where I just made all these choices that matched that energy. I came at life from that place and nothing ever felt like it was possible. Everything felt hard and heavy and distant, right?

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah. Well, I’d love to get some of your perspective work with so many people. When it comes to some of these rituals, what are a few that have been super transformational? Like, a lot of people have found, by spending just a few minutes doing X, Y, or Z ritual, presents a tremendous return on the backside?

Erin Coupe
Yeah, so what I’m not big on is like join the 5:00 a.m. club. Like, this isn’t about a routine. However, what I will say is that people do find, when they give themselves, just themselves, a little time in the morning, they start to feel way different about their lives overall. So, it doesn’t mean it has to be 5:15 or 5:30 in the morning.

But think about, like, if you have children, what time are your kids up and moving? Where else are you alone in your day? Where else do you have time for just you with you? And this isn’t even just about like, “Okay, I’m going to go to the gym,” right, because even that, like you’re doing a different activity, which could be a ritual, it could be something that you’re intentionally putting in your life, very much so.

But where do you get time, just you with you, to set an intention for your day, to think about, “What do I want to feel today? How do I want to experience life today?” And making a choice, “Today I’m going to feel calm. Today I’m going to feel excited. Today I’m going to go into that meeting and I’m going to be this person because I know this is me and this is what I want, or I know that I’m capable of working with this client,” or whatever it is.

But setting an intention is really, really powerful because what it does, neuro-scientifically, it will prime your brain to actually notice that you are being that or feeling that, right? So that’s a really important thing that I see a lot of people do that is a game changer.

Pete Mockaitis
Setting an intention. So, what are the ABCs of pulling that off?

Erin Coupe
Literally, to tell yourself what you want to feel. It is very simple.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Like, in terms of in advance, like, “As I enter this conversation with Erin, I want to feel curious and positive and presence.” It’s like, “As I pick up my kids from school, I want to be optimistic and supportive and patient.”

Erin Coupe
And even, “I will be. I will be.”

Pete Mockaitis
“I will be.” Okay.

Erin Coupe
Yes, affirm to yourself.

Pete Mockaitis
And so, by maybe visualizing myself, doing, feeling those things, or just saying some words.

Erin Coupe
You are more likely to experience those. If you tell yourself that that’s what you will feel, you are more likely to experience that in that moment. So that’s key.

Pete Mockaitis
And I’m also thinking about, we had a Shirzad Chamine of Positive Intelligence, great app, great program. And he says that even the opposite is sort of true. We’re not setting an intention to be grumpy.

But you realize when you step in, “Okay, I’m about to step into a situation where it’s likely that I am going to experience some skepticism, some critiques, some, you know, squinty looks from folks who aren’t quite buying what I’m selling. “And that might make me feel self-conscious, defensive, whatever. My classic saboteurs might respond to that.”

So, just having a heads up, like, “Watch out. This is a thing that can happen. And, instead, I’m going to,” or, “I will feel or respond in these ways,” can be surprisingly very handy to not falling into the traps.

Erin Coupe
Yeah, well, what intention is, essentially, is momentum behind your actions. So, if you are not intentional, you are in a cycle of firefighting all the time, just putting out fires, right? You’re just reacting to everything around you. Instead of being the director or being in the driver’s seat, you’re sitting in the passenger seat. You’re just letting life happen to you instead of believing that it happens through you and for you.

So, these are two very different, again, distinctive mindsets, right? Coming at things from a place of, “This is what I intend and, therefore, it is more likely to happen,” versus, “I’m going to be completely unintentional and just absorb whatever comes at me and react to it as it does,” right? Like, very, very different forces, if you will.

Pete Mockaitis
Understood. Well, Erin, tell me, anything else you really want to make sure to mention before we shift gears and hear about some of your favorite things?

Erin Coupe
You know, I feel like you asked me a little bit more about other rituals that people like to practice.

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, yes, yes, please. Lay them on me.

Erin Coupe
And so, we talked about setting an intention. Another one that I like to mention is breath, I mean, the importance of breath. And not to sit here and teach breath work. But there’s a game changing technique called the 4-7-8 that I have used with hundreds and, at this point, probably thousands of people. And it literally does change the way that you respond, not react to life.

And so, we all have situations, right? We all have things that go on, whether it’s someone that cuts us off on the road, or we get an email from a client that’s not so nice, or our mom texts us something about our crazy brother in the middle of the workday, and it totally derails us or distracts us.

If you breathe in this certain way where you spend about 90 seconds focused on your breath, and you inhale for four seconds, you hold for seven, and you exhale for eight, and you do that on repeat, like six times, like it’s you at about 90 seconds, it is proven that 90 seconds is what it takes for an emotion to dissipate.

Now it doesn’t mean the situation goes away, but it means the emotion that was reacting within your body will start to calm down. And when that does, you can respond from that place. So, think about it, again, if you’ve got children, or if you’ve got some crazy partner, or a crazy neighbor, or whatever it is, something is going on and you just react to that, you’re more likely to spill fuel on the fire, right?

And things are probably going to be tense and stressful and emotional and all the things. Versus, if you can create a little bit of space, 90 seconds for yourself to just breathe through it before you choose a response, then you are going to be able to respond in a way that maybe you wouldn’t be as stressed out, maybe you wouldn’t cause as much tension, maybe you wouldn’t have as much aftermath to deal with from whatever that situation was and how you reacted to it.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, let’s talk 4-7-8 breathing. So, Andrew Weil, I believe, is the popularizer of this. Whenever I watch his videos about this, he talks about my tongue placement and making a whoosh sound. Is that important, Erin?

Erin Coupe
No

Pete Mockaitis
Or is there anything to focus on, like my diaphragm, or just, hey, 4-7-8, it’s all good?

Erin Coupe
There is no right way to do this, just like with meditation. There’s no right way to meditate. Like, I’m very big on let’s remove a lot of the myths and just use what works. The reason this breathing technique works is that your mind is actually focused on the breath. It can’t focus on two things at once.

So, think about it. If you don’t focus on something when something triggering is happening, what is your mind going to focus on? The emotional reaction. That’s what it’s going to focus on. It’s going to think and think and think and overthink about that reaction to the emotion that it’s experiencing, versus allowing yourself to breathe through that experience will bring the energy down your body where the emotion will move through you. You will experience the emotion, but you won’t overthink it because you’re focused on something different.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Thank you.

Erin Coupe
Yeah, you’re welcome.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, now could you share a favorite quote, something you find inspiring?

Erin Coupe
Probably one of my favorites is that, “You don’t have to be great to get started. You just have to get started to be great.”

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Very good. And a favorite experiment or study or piece of research?

Erin Coupe
One thing I’m very interested in is the stars, the universe, the planets, you name it. And there’s a guy named Gregg Braden who kind of calls himself a scientist turned, I forget, like spiritualist or something. But he explores kind of the metaphysical, kind of quantum mechanics side of things and how the universe works from a very human perspective.

He’s got, like, seven books, and I, very kind of slowly, dig through them. And I like to learn, I like the experiments that he works with in these.

Pete Mockaitis
And could you share a favorite tool, something you use to be awesome at your job?

Erin Coupe
Well, meditation. I’m an intuitive person and I’ve developed that intuition over time. So, one of the things I use is, before I say yes to working with a new client or yes to an opportunity, I meditate and I ask my intuition basically, “Does it serve me? Is it aligned with me? Am I meant to serve the people that I’m being asked to serve?” Those kinds of questions.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And is there a key nugget you share that folks really resonate with and will quote back to you often?

Erin Coupe
I would say, “You are the architect of your life” is something that I use a lot, and also, “Your well-being is a reflection of your mindset.”

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And if folks want to learn more or get in touch, where would you point them?

Erin Coupe
ErinCoupe.com, so that’s E-R-I-N-C-O-U-P-E.com. I am also at @authenticallyec on Instagram.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And do you have a final challenge or call to action for folks looking to be awesome at their jobs?

Erin Coupe
Rituals, not routines. Input rituals, fit in the things that matter most to you, and cut out the things that are draining you out of obligation or just autopilot routines.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. Erin, thank you.

Erin Coupe
Thank you, Pete.