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KF #13. Develops Talent Archives - How to be Awesome at Your Job

1128: How to Develop and Maximize Every Voice on Your Team with Jeremie Kubicek

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Jeremie Kubicek shares his innovative 5 Voices framework for empowering teams and maximizing potential.

You’ll Learn

  1. Why people development often fails
  2. How leaders unintentionally silence their best people
  3. Warning signs your team’s in the pit of despair

About Jeremie 

Jeremie Kubicek is a globally recognized speaker, author, and leadership expert dedicated to helping leaders multiply healthy influence and self-awareness. As the co-founder of GiANT Worldwide, he equips leaders and organizations to build cultures of trust, peace, and performance through practical systems of people development. 

Jeremie is the author of Making Your Leadership Come Alive and The Peace Index, and co-author of The 100X Leader, 5 Voices, 5 Gears, The Communication Code, and the newly released The Voice-Driven Leader: How to Hear, Value, and Maximize Every Voice on Your Team.

Resources Mentioned

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Jeremie Kubicek Interview Transcript

Pete Mockaitis
Jeremie, welcome back!

Jeremie Kubicek
Pete, always good to be with you.

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, it’s great to have you again. I’m excited to talk about The Voice-Driven Leader and people development stuff. And I got to know right from the get go, chapter one, why people development typically fails. Lay it on us, Jeremie. Why?

Jeremie Kubicek
Because we all know, it’s boring. It doesn’t really work. It’s developed in the wrong way. But, really, the main reason is because it’s driven from one voice to everyone else. It’s not hyper-personalized. And in today’s world, like, imagine if you could actually draft books, content, training, all based on the other person, not on you, we did it. Imagine that, and that’s what we’ve done. We built The Voice-Driven Leader to do that.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, that’s cool. Well, so let’s expand a little bit on about why it fails. You say, and I don’t know how much that was in jest because we both love developing people.

Jeremie Kubicek
No, it’s true. I think what I’d say is this, there’s a difference between development and training. And training is what most people will think of when they think, “Oh, I’ve got to go watch a course,” “I’ve got to go sit in a training session for a day.”

But the actual process is apprenticeship. And apprenticeship is a lost art in America. It used to be a thing. In industrial revolution, “Hey, if you’re a mason, we’re going to brick a wall.” There’s still masons, and there’s still HVAC, and there’s still all these people who do trades. Trades know what apprenticeship is.

But most of us haven’t experienced it like, “Okay, Pete, you’re going to come watch me. Just watch. Now, you’re going to watch me and help me. And now you’re going to do it. I’m going to help you. And now you’re going to do it. And we’re good, right?” And that’s apprenticeship. That’s the full development.

But in the computer age, it’s not like, “Hey, Pete, watch how I do this text message. Watch me do email. Do you see how I did that?”

Pete Mockaitis
“That was great.”

Jeremie Kubicek
It’s harder to do apprenticeship in the technological world. So, development suffers because we think we’re developing people by sending them to watch courses or do trainings. But it’s not necessarily the pathway, like a journey. And that’s what we’re trying to reinforce.

Pete Mockaitis
Yes, I think that is well said in terms of you can learn some best practices, some how to use a piece of software, some tips and tricks, stories of experience, but there’s a giant zone of learning that is like, “No, we just got to get into it, experience some stuff, and talk about it, reflect on it, and see the nuances of the itty bitty details.”

Jeremie Kubicek
Yeah, and it’s really, really like, “All right, you’re on my team.” It’s tied to, “Where are we going? Do you have role clarity? Do you know where we’re going? And do you know and understand my expectations of the job?” So expectations are a massive part of creating awesome jobs, like development of people.

You have to be developed through expectations, “Okay, Pete, this is where I want you to be. Here’s where you’re at right now. We just onboarded you. In the next month, all I want you to do is be with people, spend time,” you know what I mean? I’m laying out the expectations.

What do most people get? “Hey, man, here’s your desk. Here’s your manual. Watch a couple of these videos. See you later.” And then they get thrown in and then people start faking it, acting like they know what they’re doing. And then, all of a sudden, once they figure out that they don’t know what they’re doing, then they try to hide it, and then eventually they end up in this thing that we called in the book, we call the pit of despair.

And the pit of despair, let’s say you have thousand employees, you probably have 20 people who come and clock in in the morning, and they go, everyone goes to their workstations, they go down in the basement into the pit of despair, and they get down there, like, “Hey, man, how long you been down here? Yeah, who pushed you in? Oh, Tom? Yeah, Tom is a jerk.” And, all of sudden, everyone’s talking about Tom.

And it’s this pit where people literally, everyone’s working around these employees. But it’s what it is. It’s just unclear plan, unclear roadmap, and unclear expectations. And then the leader is not taking the time, not giving the vision, not actually doing the apprenticeship process.

Pete Mockaitis
Understood. Okay. Well, then is that what you would say is the core thesis behind The Voice-Driven Leader or how would you articulate the big idea?

Jeremie Kubicek
Part of it. Okay, so here’s the big idea. If you know who you are, is number one, know who the other person is. And when I say who, we say actually by personality, using the 5 Voices. So if you know who you are, using the 5 Voices, know who they are and their voice, then know where do you want to take them, what’s the journey they’re on, and then what needs to happen to get them to the next level.

So, you have the foundation stage, which is onboarding. You have the immersion stage, which is the development in their role. And then you have the empowerment stage. Now that means, “Good job. You’re doing it. I’m helping you.” Then there’s a multiplication stage down when they get really good at their job.

So a great leader is going to know who they are, who the other person is, and where to take them. The crux of it is, because of AI, we’ve built now 5 Voices AI. So if I know that I’m a connector, let’s say I know that you’re a creative. Well, a creative is going to go through that process completely different than a connector would and completely different than a nurturer or a guardian or a pioneer.

So if I know who you are, now I can speak your language to help you really understand and become competent in your job and your work faster. And so, here’s the core crux of the book. If I speak your language to develop you more than forcing you to only speak my language, then the chances of you developing are ten to one. And that’s it. Like, when I lived in Russia, I learned Russian versus forcing them to speak English. I had a lot of influence.

[In Russian] ”You speak Russian, yes? Do you understand? A little bit?” 

Pete Mockaitis
You sound influential.

Jeremie Kubicek

So now all of a sudden, if I speak Russian to someone, and they’re Russian, they’re like, [In Russian] “Oh, mother of God, do you understand?” And now I’m connecting with them because I’ve chosen to speak their language and go toward them not forcing them just to go to me.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, so we’re going to talk about these five voices. And so, Jeremie, help me out. In the universe, I mean, you’ve been around the game. You’ve been around the block. So, you got your Myers-Briggs, you got your DISC, you got your StrengthsFinder, you got your Enneagram, you got your Working Genius. So, can you help position for us, how do the 5 Voices sit in the universe of different ways we might categorize humans?

Jeremie Kubicek
So let’s go with a couple. Working Genius and StrengthsFinders are not necessarily personality. They are the strengths of a personality. So they’re not really personality assessments. Okay, so let’s separate those two out. Myers-Briggs, DISC, the Big Five, those are true more personality assessments. The problem is that they don’t scale very well.

So, you can meet with someone, and go, “Oh, yeah.” I get all excited, “You’re an ENTJ?” And then it’s like, “Well, what does that mean?” Like,  “Man, I don’t know. But it was great. Yeah, you should do it.” Or, “I’m a high D,” “High I,” or, “I’m a seven with a wing eight,” or whatever it is, it doesn’t produce.

And so, people then feel locked in. Like, they feel like, “Oh, so you’re just telling me who I am, right?” So the 5 Voices are like, “No, you’re all five voices, and a 13-year-old can get it.” So what we did is we took the best of Carl Jung and the best of the Big Five, and we built a system that was simpler to understand so that inside Google, for instance, we’ve worked with them for years for seven-eight years.

Inside Google, they’re like, “Oh, I’m a connector.” I don’t have to go, “I’m an ENFP. I’m a high I with a D, you know?” And so, the speed of scale and then the sustainability of the 5 Voices stays a lot longer than any of the other voice languages because it’s just simpler.

And then we added 5 Voices AI to it, and now it’s like a joke, “Oh, my gosh, we’re doing things with it that are so innovative.” And I’m biased, obviously, of being a co-creator of it with Steve Cockram, but the 5 Voices is just simpler and it stays longer.

Pete Mockaitis
When you say with AI it’s a joke, what exactly do you mean?

Jeremie Kubicek
I mean, it’s dumbfounding because now what happens, if you’ve already taken the assessment, 5 Voices AI, you’re already in my algorithm. You’re already in my AI, in my world so it already knows you.

So, if it knows that you’re a creative connector, and I go, “Hey, help me do a performance review for Pete,” it already knows and it’s going to do a different performance review for you than it would for a nurturer.

Pete Mockaitis
I hear what you’re saying. Like, in the universe of what large language models happen to be good at, reconfiguring words in different sorts of ways, when you’ve got your arms around five really distinct, different vibes with detailed explanations of what those are, you can find an extra layer of translator tool at the ready to make it super easy for you.

Jeremie Kubicek
That’s it. And, like, I got an email from someone on my team the other day, and I didn’t get it, and it said, “Remember they’re a guardian-pioneer,” and I put the email in and it dissected it as a guardian-pioneer, and it translated to go, “Here’s what it is saying to a connector.”

And I go, “Great. Write back to him in his language,” and it built an email. It wasn’t just “Create an email for me.” It was, “Create an email that’s customized.”

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, that’s handy. Yes. And I guess, as you can feed that upfront context, you can give thousands of words of useful, clear context to the AI about, “What do I mean by pioneer? What do I mean by connector?”

Jeremie Kubicek
Well, it already does it. It already does it for you. You don’t have to feed it anything.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, we don’t now because you’ve built it out. Yeah. Okay. Understood.

Jeremie Kubicek
So, all you have to do is take the assessment. And if you take the assessment, it’s free, 5Voices.com, you can take the assessment and you sign someone else up and they take it. But then the 5 Voices AI now becomes the piece that it’s, like, with my wife, the conversations are completely different because what I’m doing is it’s, like, honoring the other person because I’m walking a mile in their shoes.

I’m trying to understand their context versus, “Man, that guy just drives me crazy.” “Well, yeah, because he’s a guardian and you’re a connector. You’re nemesis voices.” So now it de-complexifies it. Is that a word?

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, sure.

Jeremie Kubicek

But it basically takes it to the point where it’s so much more palatable to know what to do.

Pete Mockaitis

All right. Well, we’ve been throwing these words around a lot, so we’re going to have to hear, what the heck? What are they? What is a pioneer, connector, etc?

Jeremie Kubicek
Okay, so there’s five words in there. The five main categories of personality, we put them in the lower voice first. So the quietest voice is a nurturer, 43% of the population, 70% are female, so they’re going to show up in stay-at-home moms, teachers, nurses, it can be anything, okay? But that’s where they aggregate, and they’re always wanting to make sure everyone’s taken care of. So they want peace. They’re the relational oil inside organizations.

The creative is second, 9% of the population. And they are the most future-oriented, but they’re extremely quiet. They’re still introverts, but they love to add to their blueprint that’s in their brain, but they have a hard time getting it out to someone and they don’t want to throw their ideas before swine if someone doesn’t value or see it. So they’re, oftentimes, the most misunderstood because people don’t know what they just said or what they’re thinking.

Then another 30% is the guardian. The guardian are logic, black and white, A then B, then C, then D, and the 70% are male, they’re accountants, they’re soldiers, military, they’re police, firefighters. They love structure and order and grids, and it’s just that order, right?

And then the next batch is the 11%, the connectors, which are like me. They’re like bees, they pollinate, they take ideas and people, and they always have a guy, “What do you need? I got a guy.” “Oh, yeah, you need to meet so and so.” And they love to connect people to aspirations.

And then the last 7% are the pioneers, and they’re like generals, and they allocate people and resources to do big things. And so, their whole thing is, you know, “Move out of my way. I got it,” or they’re always thinking about winning and are very strategic in that regard. So, a lot of them are executives because they get hired to win. And so, oftentimes, you’ll have an immature executive do a lot of damage. And so what we do is we dissect.

We have all five of these, but there’s 16 variations of the five. So, like, you can be a pioneer-connector, a pioneer-guardian, a pioneer-creative. So, that second word kind of frames the personality, but there’s five categories that make it simple enough for everyone to understand.

Pete Mockaitis
I see. And these terms are kind of, like, is it fair to say, “How you’re wired, what you’re drawn to, what you find motivating, interesting, exciting, care to do, gets you fired up”? That’s like, “What you’re about.”

Jeremie Kubicek
That’s right. It’s your nature. But your nurture, meaning we can be all five. That’s the beauty of the 5 Voices. There’s no labeling. So it’s, like, “I’m all five of them. I can play guardian if I have to, but it is my fifth voice. It’s the one I’m consciously incompetent at. It’s the hardest one for me, but I can play it.”

And that’s the beauty of it is you can go in and out and it gives grace to people versus going, “Oh, you’re a seven. Oh, yeah, you’re a seven with a wing eight, and I’ve got you locked in.” And people don’t want to be labeled because, actually, we’re way more complex than that.

And then if I know I’m a connector and I know I’ve got a guardian that just started my team, and he’s onboarding, well, you know what his expectations of onboarding are, “I need to know exactly what to do. I need to check things off. I need to feel success along the way.”

So, that’s very, very different than if I brought a nurturer in. If I brought a nurturer in, “Tracy, welcome to the team. So excited to have you.” It’s going to be different.

And so, what happens then, why most jobs aren’t as fulfilling is then people join teams, and it’s like, “Well, Tom is not very good at onboarding. Tom doesn’t think about the other person. It’s just like, ‘My way or the highway. This is what we do. This is how it works. If you don’t like it, go somewhere else.’” And that doesn’t work in today’s world.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay, understood. Well, so then once we have a little bit of a sense for, “Okay, this is where I fall and I understand where other people fall,” like what are some of the top implications? You’ve got something called the development square, for example.

Jeremie Kubicek

Yep. So you, now, have to know, “What does development look like? What do we hope this person becomes?” So you take their job description, you then add to it role clarity, “What does winning look like? What do we need to develop in you, intellectually, relationally? What specifics do you need to kill it?”

And then you’re going to apprentice. I’m going to actually have you apprentice with someone. So, it’s the idea of slowing down to speed up. Because a lot of times, a lot of leaders, a leader is two things. They have to perform while helping people perform.

So, we use the Sherpa mindset, the Sherpa model, because the Sherpa on Mount Everest are the best example of leaders. They are amazing leaders. They have to climb at high altitude in dangerous positions and be healthy while helping people climb. So, if you’re listening to this and you’re a leader, give yourself one through 10, how’s your performance right now? We call it a Sherpa assessment.

Like, “I’m an eight.” “Okay, great.” “Well, how’s your leadership?” “What do you mean?” “Well, how are you leading other people while you’re performing?” And, oftentimes, this happens a lot, climbers are put in the Sherpa position, but they don’t know how to lead other climbers.

So, you’ve got an eight-two. They’re an eight in performance and a two in leadership, but we’re afraid to lose them so we put them in a management position over other people. And, all of a sudden, no one wants to work with John. John doesn’t want to lead anyone, and then give it a year and his performance is a six and his leadership is still a two. So he went from an eight-two to a six-two and everyone else wants to leave the team.

So, ultimately, we want leaders who are like a seven-eight or an eight-eight, an eight in performance, an eight in leadership all day long. Now you have proper Sherpa. And that’s, ultimately, what we’re trying to do.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. So, you’re speaking their language. And then what are some of the other top dos and don’ts for that developing?

Jeremie Kubicek
Yep, so we’re onboarding, we’re building an onboarding plan and we know what that plan is. Now, once we’ve done that, now we’re immersing them into their actual role and we tell them ahead of time, “We know this is where other people have failed.” So we create a role clarity so they know exactly.

And then we’re keeping them from that bottom right-hand corner of that pit of despair. And we’re being aware that they could get in the pit of despair and they oscillate over it. And we want them to get fully into the empowerment stage where they are consciously competent. They know what to do, they know how to do it, they know what success is like.

And then there’s another trap on the other side. So this one trap pit of despair is insecurity. The other trap is called the green room, and it’s oversecure, overconfident. The green room is meant for people on stage. It’s meant for people who are about to go up on stage, and they have snacks in there and it’s comfortable and it’s nice.

And employees, sometimes the boss, the leader can put an employee in the green room because they’re the teacher’s pet, like, they’re killing it, “Hey, Pete, you don’t need to read that. You don’t need to do this doc. You’re good. You’re good.” And then other people see that you’re the teacher’s pet, right?

Or the employee puts themselves in and they’re like, “Oh, I’m all that. Oh, yeah, I’m really good.” And then they don’t go to the next stage, which is multiplication. Or, the guardian-nurturers, they put themselves there because they’ve already learned something and they don’t want to learn anything new because now they’re in conscious-incompetence again.

So, ultimately, what we’re trying to do is we’re trying to get people like a Monopoly board all the way around, to now multiplication. And multiplication is, “Help me build this culture. Help me build this team. Or, take my job because I’m going to move up. And I’m moving up, and now, Pete, you got to do my job.” And so, now I’m transferring, intentionally transferring knowledge, wisdom, skills.

So, it’s highly, highly, now you have to know the 5 Voices but we teach it and you get in it but once you get it, it’s now like everything slows down. You ever hear that in the sports when, at the NFL level, like everything slowed down. Leadership slows down once you once you figure out The Voice-Driven Leader because now it’s like, “Oh, my goodness, I’m not manipulating people, but I am, literally, proactively speaking their language and I’m seeing them grow.” And it’s completely different than a traditional leadership.

Pete Mockaitis

And so, you’re saying it slows down in the sense that you are suddenly seeing another layer of opportunity, connections, implications.

Jeremie Kubicek
Leadership, growth, yeah, like communication is better. The relational trust goes up. Alignment, you actually can get alignment with people when you speak their language.

So I was just with one of my guys, we’ve launched a new company this week, it’s called Workplace. Just a short example of it. We built a culture ticker, just like a stock ticker, where we can take Teams or Slack, and we basically analyze all the signals that are going on, and it gives a real-time burnout score, a real-time psychological safety, a real-time culture score by the minute with no surveys. It’s called Workplace.io.

Well, in that, the CEO, his name is Bronson. Bronson is a pioneer-creative, so I know what he’s working on is launch week. I know where his brain is. I know how he’s thinking. I know how he needs data to go and process, so this week wouldn’t be, “Hey, I got an idea.” Not helpful for Bronson.

So, I sent him a simple email over the weekend for him to digest some ideas I have for some of our larger enterprise accounts. And so, then he calls me, he goes, “Hey, I need three or four more days.” “Great.” Then when he’s ready, he’ll then go, “Okay, here’s what I learned. Really helpful data. I added it with this. I think this is really helpful. That was really helpful work. Thank you.”

Well, I’m just playing a founder role like, you know, he’s running the company. But my point is, because I know who he is, I’m not disrupting him. I’m actually feeding what he needs and how he needs it because I know how he’s wired.

Now imagine doing that with your kids, your wife, and your key partners and employees. It changes the dynamics so the drama goes away, and then there’s so much more fun. It is so much more fun to work and you can be awesome at being a leader.

Pete Mockaitis
Beautiful. Well, could we maybe have an example of going through the foundation to immersion, to empowerment, to multiplication? I like the, “I do. You watch. I do. You help.” Sort of, can we see real time what that might look like in terms of building a person up?

Jeremie Kubicek
Yeah. So, Robert, a CEO, Robert has a smaller team of about 20 people. He’s bringing a new person on board. He’s a pioneer-guardian, his tendency is kind of harsh and like, “Hey, read it. If you can’t get it, we’ll find someone else,” but he’s working on it. So he’s trying.

So, he now knows he has to slow down. So, his first step is he knows himself now well enough that he can blow people up. So, he then hired someone. They took the assessment at 5Voices.com, he found out he’s a creative, so he goes, “Okay, he’s a creative,” but he’s actually a creative-connector, and there’s a little more detail, but creative.

He’s like, “I don’t know how to deal with the creative. What does a creative want?” So he goes to AI, and he goes, “5 Voices AI, how do I build an onboarding plan for my new employee? He’s a creative connector.” “Well, don’t forget, you’re a pioneer-guardian. Your tendencies are going to be this. What he needs is this.” So now it laid it out for him, “Great.”

He then has his assistant, true story, so I know this is going on. He gets his assistant, his assistant takes care of all the details. Creatives want to know the, “Why are we doing this? What’s the big picture?” “Hey, this is what we need you to do. This is why we do these things.” So, she preempted a lot of that. Gets him going and then he laid out a very clear pathway.

So, he made it through the foundation stage. Now he’s into immersion, “This is what we expect your role to be. We have another person that’s just in your same role. We want him to be your mentor-buddy, to walk through so you can ask any questions along the way. We’re trying to accomplish X, Y, and Z by this point. I need a report done.” All the details, the expectations.

So, then that person became the buddy. Well, that person was a connector. The other person, connectors are really good at translating for people. So, that creative was going to the connector going, “No, no, no, that’s not what Robert means. You’re hearing it like this, but he really means this.” So it helped in that process to have that person translating.

So, all the way through, well, there was a couple of moments when this creative was getting to the pit of despair and you could sense it in, like, they were starting to pull away, they were starting to get sarcastic and snarky and using their stress behavior. It was kind of starting to come out, a little Hulk activity.

And so, the pioneer didn’t know what to do. He actually came to me. I was playing a guide Sherpa for him. We built a little game plan.

But we used the common language and we keep everything above, not below so that no one is hiding anything. So, now we’re at a process where this person made it through the pit of despair. Now he’s just in empowerment. And it’s not started yet, but we’re about to start the multiplication process, because this guy’s really, really good and really can see the future.

But it took a while for people to understand what he was trying to say. So we’ve been having to translate with the other executives and the team what he’s trying to say. But now people are seeing the gold and they’re starting to utilize him a little bit more. So, he’s not ready for multiplication yet, but he’s set squarely in the empowerment stage.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And when it comes to this pit of despair, are there any top principles that are swell for avoiding it and pulling out of it?

Jeremie Kubicek
So, when you see it, it’s basically insecurity. People are starting to work around them. It’s obvious they don’t know what they’re doing. So, you have to use shared language and you have to start with vision again.

And use the language, “Pete, it seems like you’re in the pit of despair. You may not claim that you are, but it feels that you are. So let’s go back through the basics.  Here’s the vision, long term. Here’s the short term. I need to do a better job as a leader to have more time with you, so we’re going to schedule more formal time. And then, informally, I want you to go spend time with so-and-so and so-and-so.”

And then I’m going to encourage you but I’m going to give you specific encouragement like, “I really see the work you’re doing. You’re doing great here, here, and here. Now, where do you need help for me? Where can I add value to you?” And now you make it about you, not them. And so now, all of a sudden, I’m pulling, I’m going, “So, I’m going to be here to be your Sherpa. So, what do you need?” So, that usually would work.

Now, if someone gets into the pit of despair, here’s what I would tell you, in all the years of doing this, 12 years of doing this, we can’t think of any stories, we couldn’t think of any experience where, if anyone truly is in the pit of despair, they usually don’t make it. They usually are asked to leave or they choose to leave. So that’s how dangerous the pit of despair is.

So, with the book, the whole idea is how to avoid the pit of despair at all costs. Don’t get in it. Because you’re so demeaned and your insecurity is so high and the trust level from all the other employees is so low that people tend to not make it.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, so maybe a better question is like, so what’s the red alert, “Warning! Warning! Approaching pit of despair,” sudden redirections necessary?

Jeremie Kubicek
Each voice has stress behaviors, so we talk openly about it and we have a whole chapter on the stress behavior. So, for each voice, a nurturer is going to start withdrawing big time, and they’re going to start clamming up and they’re going to start, “You don’t need to hear from me. No one would need to hear from me.”  A lot of insecurity.

The creative is going to start Hulking out if people don’t get it, and there’ll be these moments where they just blew up and no one understood, or got really sarcastic and snarky. The guardian is going to start interrogating people, “Well, why didn’t you tell me? I didn’t know that. I thought that…Well, when did this report come out? How did we even…?” and they start this inquisition because they’re feeling like they need to prove themselves.

The connector will start cyberwarfaring and subtly slandering the boss, not to their face, but they’ll like, “Hey, Tom, how you doing, man?” And then behind the scenes, “Tom is a jerk. God, this guy, this is the worst leader I’ve ever seen. I’ve never seen anyone this…”

And then the pioneer, they’ll like bulldoze people. The pioneer are rarely in the pit of despair. But if they get in, the stress behavior is like, “Move out of the way. I got it. I got it.” And they just do it all. And they just bulldoze everybody. So, those are some examples of, you’ll know it by their stress behavior.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And you’ve got a tantalizing tidbit about how most leaders unintentionally silence their best people. How does that happen? How do we not do that?

Jeremie Kubicek
Because most leaders are so fixated on making the donuts, doing the work, the performance, on one side, that they might not be thinking like a Sherpa of getting everyone else. Their people are a nuisance, more than that’s their job to get everyone to the next level. So, they’ll then revert back to default setting is, “Do it my way or the highway. This is how I am. Why can’t you get it? Seriously, why don’t you figure this out?” Versus, taking time.

It’s like training a dog, right? Most people who have ever had a dog, it’s so hard the first three four or five months. And then if you do it well, you’re going to be so glad you did. It’s awesome in year two, three, four. But if you never took the time to train your dog, that dog is the dog from hell, and no one enjoys the dog, even people who come over, right?

So, it’s the same with employees. I’m not saying they’re dogs, but it’s simply the idea that we have to take the time to train them.

Pete Mockaitis

Okay. Well, tell me, anything else you want to make sure to mention before we hear about some of your favorite things?

Jeremie Kubicek

No, that’s good.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Now, can we hear about a favorite quote, something you find inspiring?

Jeremie Kubicek
Yeah, so I am a massive Will Rogers fan. And so, it’s actually not a quote, it’s his quotes. There’s such veiled wisdom inside the humor that it’s just really fun. So I’m a major Will Rogers fan.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And a favorite book?

Jeremie Kubicek
Heroic Leadership, Chris Lowney. He’s a friend, a good guy. It’s basically how the Jesuits changed the world for 450 years, how they changed the world in Asia and around the world. It is the most fascinating, without technology. And how did they stay aligned when they were all sent out and all around? And he does a brilliant job. So, if you’re a leadership nerd, it is a brilliant job to show how values actually work.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And a favorite tool?

Jeremie Kubicek
Favorite tool that I’m using right now, it’s my tool. It’s called “The Peace Index.” And it’s, basically, I use it almost every day, but it’s how to quantify peace and understand chaos and where you’re not at peace. And it dissects purpose, people, personal health, provision, and place. And it reveals chaos and it reveals whether you’re up or down. And it’s a fascinating process. That’s another book of mine, The Peace Index.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And a favorite habit?

Jeremie Kubicek
Every afternoon, I took the Jesuit examine model with “The Peace Index” and I basically do this habit at 5:30 every day. I do, “What was I grateful for today? What was awesome about today?” I just highlight it in my brain, “Where was I not at peace today? And where was I off?” And I dissect it so that I keep really small accounts. And then, “Am I ready for tomorrow?” And that’s it. That’s all I do.

And it’s a summary at the end of the day. But what it’s done for me, over the last five, six years now, is I don’t talk to my wife about negative things anymore because they just kind of dissipate because I keep such small accounts that I’m dealing with, like, when I’m not at peace and I’m working on it every afternoon. And it doesn’t build up anymore like it used to.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah. Cool. And is there a key nugget you share that folks really seem to connect with and quote back to you often?

Jeremie Kubicek
One, I say is, “Call people up, not out.” And if you want to get the best out of your people, learn how to call up, not out. And it makes a big difference.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And if folks want to learn more or get in touch, where would you point them?

Jeremie Kubicek
JeremieKubicek.com. You might have to put that in the show notes, Pete. It’s just Jeremie with an IE. And if you want to take the 5 Voices, just go to 5Voices.com. Take the assessment, it’s free. It’s really fascinating. Obviously, you can go deeper if you want to add the 5 Voices AI. You have to pay a little bit, but I think it’s dying $10 a month, not $20, and you get AI as well. So, if you actually want a cheaper AI, do the 5 Voices AI.

Pete Mockaitis

All right. Jeremie, thank you.

Jeremie Kubicek
Good to be with you, Pete. You’re amazing. Thanks, man.

1109: How to Find Great Mentors and Build Your Legacy with Dr. Deborah Heiser

By | Podcasts | No Comments

Dr. Deborah Heiser discusses how and why to find mentors from all directions.

You’ll Learn

  1. The fundamental human need that mentorship fulfills
  2. Why most struggle to find mentors—and the simple fix
  3. The unlikely places where you can find more mentors

About Deborah

Dr. Deborah Heiser (Ph.D.) is an applied developmental psychologist, the CEO/Founder of The Mentor Project, and author of The Mentorship Edge: Creating Maximum Impact Through Lateral and Hierarchical Mentoring. She is a TEDx speaker, member of Marshall Goldsmith 100 Coaches, Thinkers 50 Radar List, expert contributor to Psychology Today and is also an Adjunct Professor in the Psychology Department at SUNY Old Westbury.

Resources Mentioned

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Deborah Heiser Transcript

Pete Mockaitis
Debra, welcome.

Deborah Heiser
Thanks for having me. I’m delighted to be here.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, I’m excited to chat about mentorship, and I understand that you currently have a 21-year-old mentor. What’s the story here?

Deborah Heiser
So, I am 57. I’m a Gen Xer. And I decided that I wanted to try out social media for the next big thing that I’m working on, and to get some word out there. So, I asked if this person, who’s 21, could mentor me. I didn’t say, “Hey, can you be my mentor?”

But we talked. And he agreed. And so, he’s been mentoring me for two and a half months now. And it’s amazing to be in the position of a mentee. It made me have a whole new perspective.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s super. Well, could you share with us what’s a social media insight you’ve picked up from this 21-year-old phenom?

Deborah Heiser
That it is not as easy as it looks, that there’s a lot of work that goes into it. There’s a lot of thought that has to go into it. Even the things that are supposed to look really completely off the cuff, they’re generally not. So that was really a new insight for me.

Pete Mockaitis
Understood. Thank you. Yeah, I think I’d heard Mr. Beast, a top Youtuber, say, “People are surprised all the time when they learn just how much tremendous work and effort goes into these videos. We’re not just a bunch of folks goofing around. There’s huge sets and teams and productions.”

Deborah Heiser
You know, it wasn’t just the work, right? I had to learn from him the work. I had to learn the culture. So, the very first livestream he put me on TikTok, I was getting all of these comments that were coming into the feed, like, “UNC” was one of them. I was thinking the person was talking about the university. No, it’s “unc.” It means I’m old and outdated.

So, it was really funny to learn about how people perceived me in the Gen Z population, and how I needed to learn the culture and learn what was relevant to people that were outside of the Gen X age group.

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, shucks. Well, you know what, I guess I’m learning something too. I thought “unc,” I knew it was short for uncle, and it meant that this person is older, but I had sort of hoped and thought it might’ve had affectionate connotations, but you’re telling me it doesn’t, okay.

Deborah Heiser
No. And I learned that without knowing that. He had to explain that to me. And so, that was kind of funny.

Pete Mockaitis
I just remember Bryan Johnson is often called the “Immortal Unc” and I thought that was endearing, but I guess it’s not. Okay, I’m learning. Well, so I think that’s a nice little lesson in terms of mentorship, in terms of the things maybe you thought you know, maybe you don’t. And you get that wisdom from different perspectives and engaging in different kinds of folks.

So, you’ve been in this game for a while. We got the book, The Mentorship Edge, which we’re chatting about. You are the CEO and founder of The Mentor Project. So, could you maybe kick us off with anything that’s particularly striking or surprising for folks when you’re teaching about mentorship and they go, “Whoa, seriously, for real?”

Deborah Heiser
Everyone is a mentor and you just don’t realize it. So, most people think that mentorship is for work and it can be and is, and that’s a great place to look for mentorship or to become a mentor. But mentorship is something that’s in our families that we’ve been doing forever. If you subscribe to any religion, that’s passed down through mentorship, centuries.

We’re never going to remember Bob the accountant, but we remember what religion and the traditions and the values that we have in our family that get passed down. And we often take that for granted, but that’s mentorship, all of that is. The family traditions at every holiday that you engage in, that’s mentorship.

So, we’re doing all of this and we just don’t give credit to the grandmas and grandpas out there who are doing this every day, or to ourselves when we say, “This value means something to me. I’m going to pass it on.” So that’s a big surprise to a lot of people. They think that mentorship is saved for someone with an advanced degree or a specific title, and, really, it’s not. Everybody is always mentoring and they’re being mentored and we just don’t always realize that.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. So, we’re always mentoring and we’re always being mentored, and you mentioned some of those contexts. What exactly is your definition for mentorship then?

Deborah Heiser
Mentorship actually has five components to it. So, it has to start with the developmental… I just want to say that we’re developmentally, just like walking and talking is a developmental life stage. We are developmentally programmed to want to give back. And so we are, it’s like a developmental milestone. So, it’s something that we should be expecting to do.

So, it first starts with generativity. And generativity is where we have a desire to give a bit of ourselves to somebody else without expecting anything in return. We’re all doing that. If a friend calls and says, “Hey, can I pick your brain?” You don’t say, “Buzz off.” You say, “Of course.” We’re always doing this.

And the reason we do this, engage in generativity, is because we like that a little piece of us lives on in somebody else. We like that we’re valued enough, or something that we value is valued enough, that somebody else wants to carry that.

The next thing it needs is intrinsic motivation. So, if I’m being paid to mentor, I’m not a mentor. You have to be doing it simply because you want to do it. And the example I give is if I said, “Hey, Pete, would you like to go volunteer at a soup kitchen, giving out food and beverage to hungry, thirsty people?” You might say, “Yes.”

Now imagine you’re on your way to the soup kitchen to deliver food and beverage to hungry, thirsty people, and I say, “Hey, Pete, take a left. I want you to go to Starbucks and volunteer your time there instead.” Well, that’s going to have a whole different feeling, even though you’re giving food and beverage to hungry, thirsty people for free.

And that’s what we need with mentoring. And we do this all the time. We’re all very helpful to others. We want to be, we like it, we get a good feeling from it. We also need to have a meaningful connection. So, a lot of people will say to me, “Oh, my gosh, I have this toxic mentor, the person is horrible. How do I deal with it?” But that’s not a mentor. You have to like the person. They have to like you. It’s kind of like a friend.

If you have some friend who is mean to you, they’re not your friend. So, you need that meaningful connection. You also need trust. So, Pete, if you were a boss of mine and I had an issue where I didn’t know how to do something at work, I might wonder if I could go to you and say, “Hey, I don’t know what I’m doing. Can you guide me through this?” Because I might think, “Wow, he’s going to find out I don’t know what I’m doing and he’ll never give me a raise or a promotion.”

So, likewise, if I was your mentee and you said, “I’m not going to share my knowledge and expertise with her. She’s going to go start her own company with that.” You have to trust me, but that has to go in both directions. And, finally, there has to be a goal. A lot of people think, “I’m just going to meet with somebody for an hour every week, and I’m just going to meet with them, and somehow I’ll get mentorship.”

Mentorship is an exchange of something with a goal. So, it’d be like, “Can you tell me the lay of the land at work?” or, “I’m a hardware engineer. Can your software engineer help me solve a problem that I need to have that involved with it?” It’s combining that. As long as it has all five of those, it’s mentorship. If it’s missing one, it’s not. It’s like baking brownies without sugar. It’ll look like it, but won’t taste like it.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, so understood, those are the components that exist within that. And so, I’m hearing you that those five ingredients can be present in all sorts of relationships, interactions, as opposed to formal career professional, “I want to sharpen my skills in digital advertising, whatever, exchanges.”

Deborah Heiser
It can be in all of those. I’ll give you an example. Irene Yachbes, she worked for NASA. She pushed the launch button on the mission to Mercury. She’s an aerospace engineer. She’s smart. She went to work for IBM, and she walked in and she said it was like going to the first day of middle school, “Who do you eat with? Where do you go? What do you do?”

So, this very smart person was looking for, “I don’t even know where the bathroom is here.” And so, she said, “I just need to know the lay of the land here.” And so, somebody at her office was giving a talk in her first week, and said, “If anybody would like a mentor, reach out to me.”

So, Irene called me and she said, “I can’t reach out to her. I’m too intimidated. I’m brand new here.” And I was like, “What are you talking about? Just email her.” And she did, and she said, “I just need to know the lay of the land. Can you help me out with that?” And the person said, “Yes.” They met for 15 minutes and that led to a four-year mentorship.

So that does apply. The person liked Irene, Irene liked her. It ended up that all five of those components were met. We just don’t think about those components when we’re reaching out to somebody. But she didn’t say to her, “Hey, mentor me.” She came with a specific goal.

Pete Mockaitis
Understood. And I think that just going through those ingredients, I think, might spark some ideas for people here, it’s like, “Hey, you know what? I’ve got a sense of a meaningful connection and trust with this person who knows some stuff that I need to know. Why the heck don’t I just go ahead and reach out?”

Deborah Heiser
Yeah, it’s the same as when we make friends. You know you don’t have to go through your thing, and say, “Does that person share my values?” No, you could have 10 people that cross your path, and there’s one that you say, “Ooh, I like that person. I’m going to hang out with that person.”

If you were to dissect that, you’d find out that you have criteria that you’re checking off to see if it matched for that. So that’s all that I’m saying with this checklist that is for mentoring.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Now you’ve said that about half of young professionals say they feel kind of lost in their careers. What do we think is behind this and how does mentoring play in?

Deborah Heiser
I think that most people that I’ve talked to say they’re intimidated and they think that mentoring is only hierarchical. They have also said to me that they are looking for somebody who’s going to open the doors and lift them up into the new job they want. That’s too vague. If I said to somebody, “I want you to solve all the problems that I don’t even know I have,” there’s an issue.

So, people come to me and they’ll say, “Can you be my mentor?” And I’ll say, “Sure, what in? How? What would you like me to help you with?” And they say, “I don’t know.” And then I have to say, “Well, okay, what are some of your goals?” “I’m not sure.” And so, all I say to people who are starting out is have a tiny ask, one small ask.

So, if somebody like Irene said, “Can you show me the lay of the land?” A person could say yes or no. And that’s an accomplishable goal. And within that very first moment, you can determine, “Is this somebody I could mentor or be mentored by?” You can feel each other out. So, start with something super, super small.

You could ask a person, “Hey, I would love to learn an aspect of the job that you do in advertising. I think that I could learn from you. Can I just ask you a few questions?” And you just have something that could take maybe five minutes, and then you can take it from there. That person may or may not be the person that’s best for you.

And the other thing is I tell people is you do not have to look hierarchically up the ladder. That’s very limited. You only have a certain number of people who are directly above you. But if you look to your left and to your right, you have countless people who can help you. And if I look at all of the cases of the people who are like famous lateral mentors, that’s the founding fathers of the United States. Nobody was the boss.

Every entrepreneur who starts a company, they can’t look up. They have to look to their left or to their right. Steve Jobs looked to Steve Wozniak as a lateral mentor. All of these cases are people who didn’t look hierarchically for help. So, anybody who’s starting out, if you’re feeling vulnerable, insecure, look to your left or to your right, somebody in a different department.

And you can ask them questions. You can say, “Hey, from an outside perspective, what do you see is a path for me and my department? Do you have any tips or pointers for working within my department in this new job that I have?” That’s something that people can do very easily. And I’ll give you one more, quick example.

I was speaking with an Iowa federal judge, and he was saying, “Look, judges can’t be vulnerable. You can’t say, ‘Hey, I don’t know how to handle that case. Like, I don’t know what to do.’ That’s not going to work well.” So lateral mentoring was something that was really important to this group of federal judges.

So, what they did was they put in an informal lunch and everybody got to come in and sit next to somebody. So, somebody was able to say, “Hey, Bob, you handled that case. How did you do that?” Now, that’s not a person saying, “I don’t know what I’m doing.” That’s a person saying, “How did you handle something?” And then that person was able to start without showing a vulnerability, but they saw an incredible increase in mentorship that was happening laterally because it removed that vulnerability.

So, if you’re starting out, think about the power that is to the left or to the right of you where you’re not worried about somebody feeling like you’re stepping on their toes, they’re competing for your job, they’re not competing for a promotion from you. They’re going to share very readily with you.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, I like that a lot. And I’m thinking now about my podcast mastermind group, and they’re wonderful, they’ve all been guests on the show. And it’s interesting about the lateral piece is that I wouldn’t say any of us is like the top dog, you know? It’s sort of like it’s clear that all of us have our respective strengths and areas where we’re excelling and others can learn from each other there.

And it’s really quite lovely because, in the course of sharing, we discover stuff. It’s like, “Hey, you seem to know a lot about how these advertising is working. And you seem to have a really engaged growing program over here.” And we’re all able to share the goodies.

And especially, over time, when you talk about trust, you realize just how much of our hangups are emotionally-driven and irrational. It’s like, “Oh, I should maybe just chill out about that. Oh, okay. I’ll just stop worrying and give it a shot. How about that?” So many breakthroughs boil down to that.

Deborah Heiser
Absolutely. I love the example that you brought up because so many of us join groups. There are people who join book clubs. They join. We’re all joiners, right? People join all kinds of things. That’s a great place to find mentorship. Most of us think that if we’re in the job, we have to find our mentor in our job.

But I’m going to give you a quick example of a workplace where somebody who was new at their job came in and they said, “Uh-oh,” and they got mentorship. So, this guy, Steve, was at his job and he had a boss who gave him an impossible task with a super short deadline. And Steve didn’t know what he was doing. But Steve was like, “I got it,” when the boss came in and said, “Hey, can you get this done?”

So, the boss came in a couple of days later and was like, “Steve, you haven’t made any progress.” And Steve was like, “Don’t you worry. I got it. I got it.” He was afraid he was going to get fired. So, he didn’t ever tell his boss, “I don’t know what I’m doing.” When I talk to people, everybody’s been there at some point where you’re like, “Okay, I can do this.”

So, what happened was, the next day the boss came in, he’s like, “Listen, you either got this or you don’t. What’s the deal here?” So, Steve said, “I told you I got it. I do.” The boss left, and he immediately called his friend, Steve. And he’s like, “Steve, can you help me? I don’t know what I’m doing. I know that you know this different kind of engineering than I know. Can you come in and help?” And so, Steve said, “Yeah, I’ll come in after work. I got to finish my job. And then I’ll come in and help you.”

So, in he comes, everybody is gone in the workplace, but he comes in and they work together. And Steve’s like, “Oh, my gosh. Thank you, Steve, for coming. This is so helpful. I’m making progress here. Keep teaching me what you know.” So, they made a lot of progress.

The boss comes in the next day, and he’s like, “Steve, I can’t believe all the progress you made.” And he said, “I told you I knew what I was doing.” And long story short, they worked together and the project gets done a week earlier than expected.

And the boss came and said, “I can’t believe you did this a week earlier than was expected.” That job was Atari. The boss was Al Alcorn, the engineer that didn’t know what he was doing was Steve Jobs, and the person who helped him was Steve Wozniak. That very first project was Breakout, the first video game. And that was lateral mentoring.

Steve didn’t feel comfortable in his own job. He was brand new. He thought he was going to get fired if he didn’t do this. So, he called his friend, Steve, who worked in a completely different area. And that was lateral mentoring. And so, when you’re in the workplace, you do not have to think of the workplace as your only way to find a solution to what you need or the mentoring that you need to get.

Pete Mockaitis
I like that a lot. Thank you. So, let’s hear on the other side of things, you talked about generativity, and that is just sort of a human developmental thing. I don’t know if there’s a particular age or years in the career or threshold in which this kind of kicks into higher gear, but tell us a bit about that and where to proceed with it.

Deborah Heiser
So, generativity is a life stage just like walking, any physical life stage that we have. And it kicks in specifically at its highest point in midlife. So, between 40 and 65, you should really see people ramping up. You’ll see things like people say, “I’m going to start a blog,” “I’m going to start a podcast,” because that’s a form of mentorship. It’s a modern form of mentorship. So, you, Pete, are mentoring right now in a modern way.

So, people will start to kick in to doing that. They get an itch to give back. And so those are some of the ways that we see people doing that in midlife. But the reason we have that is because you reach midlife, all prior to midlife, you’ve had boxes to check off that other people put in front of you, “Finish school,” “Maybe go to college,” “Get a house,” “Buy a car,” “Get married,” “Have a family,” “Have a career,” “Get advanced in your career,” “Become an expert in something.”

All of these things are outside, external kind of boxes that we check. Then midlife hits and you’re like, “Huh, I get to pick my own boxes. What am I going to check?” And that’s when it hits us, and we say, “Do I matter in the world? What’s my footprint doing? How deep is it? And what do I want that footprint to look like?”

And it’s the first moment that we have the time to do that and we have the bandwidth to do this. So that’s why there’s a pretty big window for that. So, you could be 40, and say, “I am not there. I’m really busy.” It could be between 40 and 65 that it really hits for people. And that’s when people are looking to give back their expertise, their values, their traditions, their usefulness to others.

It makes them feel relevant. It makes them feel useful. It makes them feel like they matter in the world, like they didn’t just take up space. And so, that’s what generativity is all about. So, if you’re looking at somebody in midlife, that is a great person to look to, to mentor you, because they’re probably looking to mentor someone.

Pete Mockaitis
And if we are in that stage and we’re feeling those things, what do you recommend we go do?

Deborah Heiser
That you look within yourself and say, “What is it that I think is important to me?” Some people will say, “Well, it’s the things that are in my personal life.” Some people will say, “I want to pass on the traditions and values that I hold dear in my family.” And that could be religion, that could be your traditions that are in your family. It could be values.

It could be that you say, “I want to be remembered or known for this expertise that I had.” So, whatever that is, it could be different for every single person. And that expertise is all you have to tap into. And most people think, “Well, it has to be something really profound.” And it’s not. It’s the little things that we do.

So, the very first thing I say to people is show up. Just show up in places because that’s your opportunity to find out what you’d like to give back. And showing up is like the first beginning step of mentorship. So, you know, that can be a value. If someone is in need and they’re in the hospital, show up, go visit them. That’s a form of saying, ‘You matter, I care for you.”

If you make an appointment on somebody’s calendar, show up. If you’re going to go to a funeral, show up. All of these things that maybe we say to ourselves, “I don’t know if it really matters.” It does. That’s the very first thing that you can do that costs nothing and doesn’t require you to have a degree or anything else. It’s just showing up. And then that’s going to be the first step of making the mentorship happen.

Pete Mockaitis
And what’s next?

Deborah Heiser
So, once you’ve showed up, the next thing is that you want to see if you make a connection with somebody. Is there somebody who you can see who wants what you have? So, if I have an expertise in something, and I go to give it to you, let’s say my expertise is in, I don’t know, crocheting. I’m a master crocheter and I say, “Hey, Pete, I’d like to teach you how to crochet,” and you have no interest in crocheting. Well, that first step is, “Okay, we don’t have it.”

But if I meet somebody else and they say, “I’ve always been wanting to learn how to crochet,” then there we go. It’s the same with if you go into work and you’re looking for somebody or showing up to things, you go onto the big Zoom, you’re at the water cooler, you’re at the lunch, you’re at the grand rounds, if you’re in a hospital, wherever you are, you’re showing up.

Who is it that looks like they’re receptive to what you need? And then you’re basically finding that person, “Hey, does this interest you? No? Okay, next. Who’s out there looking for that?” It’s the same as when you’re podcasting and you’re putting something out there. Not everybody is going to resonate, but those that do and they say, “I’m going to come back over and over again.” Those are your meaningful connections.

So, the next step is really connecting with people, “Who, out here, is looking for what I have?” It’s developing the trust by continuing to show up and it’s engaging with that individual to see if you can make change for them.

Pete Mockaitis
Yes, and it really is beautiful. As I’m just imagining this and I’m reflecting on experiences I’ve had, it really is a beautiful, human, heartfelt, deep, emotional, good thing. You know, it’s like right up there. And I’m thinking about, I’ve heard in academic scholarship circles, and maybe you can comment on this, good doctor.

That sometimes, when folks retire, a beautiful gift they receive is sort of like the grand tree that shows their mentees, protegees, doctoral candidates that they brought up, who in turn brought up the next generation and the next generation. You can just sort of see the lineage flowing through and rippling out as just like a top retirement gift for folks in that zone.

I’ve heard of this as a thing that has happened on multiple occasions. So, it was like, that sounds like about the top thing you would want at your retirement party.

Deborah Heiser

Yes. We all want to feel a sense of legacy, and we start to build our legacy as early as we can think. We’re building how we’re going to be remembered by others. And that tree that you’re talking about is incredibly important. So, the term legacy tree was coined by Bob Lefkowitz. He’s a Nobel Prize winner in chemistry from 2012.

And he published, he wanted to know, “Why am I a Nobel Prize winner and not somebody else?” He was like, “I was born in the Bronx. What made me stand out from anybody else? I’m not smarter than other people. What is it?” So, he decided to make a legacy tree for himself that showed all the mentors above him, those that were on his level, and the mentees, very few, because most of us don’t even realize when we’re mentoring, that were below him. And he published it in a journal.

And two weeks later, he went to a conference, and somebody came up to him and he said, “Hey, Bob, I’m six degrees Lefkowitz.” And he was like, “What are you talking about?” And the guy said, “Hey, there are five people who’ve worked between you and me. And here I am continuing the work that you started.” Bob said, “What are you talking about? Tell me about your work.”

He told him about his work, and he was able to hear his own words spoken by this person he had never met, and he was able to see how his work had snowballed out six degrees away from him. And he said he’d never felt more profound emotion than the birth of his children and getting married than at that moment because he knew that he mattered and he knew he had a legacy.

So that academic legacy, the tree that you talk about, that’s what we’re trying to build. And if we are able to create our own legacy trees, we’re able to see what our impact is and see what our legacy actually is. And that’s very meaningful to us. Most of us aren’t able to harness that.

It’s kind of like when you donate and you don’t remember you donated anything until tax time and you have to like go through your tax return and say, “Oh, yeah, I know I donated this.” We forget all of the good things that we do, all the volunteering, all the philanthropy, all of the mentoring that we do throughout the year. And it just gets kind of folded into our everyday life.

So, if we can acknowledge the moments that we mentor, or we acknowledge the moments that we’ve been mentored and we thank the people that have mentored us, it makes us do it more and it ties it back to legacy so that we then can feel our impact. We can actually get that feeling that we want that’s kind of like the Grinch whose heart grew three times in size. That’s how we feel when we start to, you know, really acknowledge our legacy.

Pete Mockaitis
Ooh, yeah, you know, you’re right. That profound emotional thing, you’re bringing me back. This was years ago, but I remember when I was in college, I had a couple buddies and we started an accountability group where we just sort of challenged each other on a weekly regular basis, “Hey, did you do those things that you talked about?”

And in so doing, we built some really good habits and saw some cool results. And of them, his name is Jeremy, and I said, “You know what? I know Nike doesn’t recruit on our campus, but, like, you should just go for it and apply for an internship.” And so, he did, and he’s still working there. It’s a long career. Nike’s loving it.

And then I visited him out there in Oregon and I met people that he had formed another accountability group with. And I’d written down some of the principles that we were operating with. And so, they, too, were seeing really cool results and good habits and things in their world. And it really was tremendously powerful.

Like, “Huh, like some stuff I did has impacted Jeremy,” who is now in Oregon, partially because I said go for that internship. And then here’s more people that Jeremy is in the group with seeing awesome things. And it is among the top meaningful, feel good, emotional vibes around.

Deborah Heiser
It sure is because you know you mattered. And we need to know we mattered. That’s why, if we look at social media, those likes mean something to us. We need to feel like we matter. So even if those are throwaway things in certain things, in certain areas, it shows our craving for mattering, for relevancy, all of that.

So, what you just described is what we’re seeking from work. We want work validation. We want all of that. That all ties in together to how our emotions are. And just the acknowledging some of it, at least allows us. Like, you just told this story about somebody and how that made you feel. By doing that, it makes us want to do more. It makes us say, “Ooh, I’m either going to do what that person did or I’m going to translate that into something that I can do. I want that feeling again.” So that’s a bigger, better thing to strive for.

Pete Mockaitis
Beautiful. Well, Deborah, tell me, any other top things you want to make sure to mention before we hear about your favorite things?

Deborah Heiser
I would tell everyone, look to your left and look to your right, you’re probably looking at a mentor. And if they aren’t right now, you can either be mentoring them or they can be mentoring you at some point. So, think of every single person you meet as a potential mentor or mentee.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. Thank you. Well, now could you share your favorite quotes, something you find inspiring?

Deborah Heiser
I think the favorite quote is, “Mentors change lives. Mentors change the world.” And I think that it’s because that really is true.

Pete Mockaitis
And a favorite book?

Deborah Heiser
My favorite book has always been Marie Curie, her autobiography, because she was somebody who did something that was completely new and unique, and kept following her passion, even though it was at a time when it was very difficult and women weren’t in leadership positions and she just did it.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And a favorite tool, something you use to be awesome at your job?

Deborah Heiser
I’m old school, I use this.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay, a notebook.

Deborah Heiser
And that, I’ve never given up. I would suggest to anybody that, you know, structure is such an important part of our work day. Whatever modern tools you can use to get that, use it. It makes a difference because each one of these things that you can check off makes you feel like a winner throughout the day.

Pete Mockaitis
And a favorite habit?

Deborah Heiser
I think that my favorite habit is walking every single day.

Pete Mockaitis
Lovely. And is there a key nugget you share that really connects and resonates with folks, you hear them quoting it back to you often?

Deborah Heiser
I hear people talking about look to your left, look to your right. Lateral mentoring is something that has resonated with individuals, and I get that over and over again.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And if folks want to learn more or get in touch, where would you point them?

Deborah Heiser
I’d point them to my website, DeborahHeiser.com. I’m on LinkedIn. I write for Psychology Today. You can find me there. I have a Substack, “The Right Side of 40.” And you can find my book, The Mentorship Edge, anywhere you get books.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. Deborah, thank you.

Deborah Heiser
Thank you.

944: Becoming a Leader that People Want to Follow with Jon Rennie

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Former submarine officer Jon Rennie outlines the leadership principles that make people want to follow you.

You’ll Learn:

  1. How to deepen your connection with your team
  2. Why to let your colleagues fail more 
  3. Your fastest path to standing out 

About Jon

Jon is the Co-Founder, President & CEO of Peak Demand Inc., a components manufacturer for electrical utilities. He is a former U.S. Navy Nuclear Submarine Officer who made seven deployments during the end of the Cold War.

Before starting Peak Demand, he led eight manufacturing businesses for three global companies. He is the author of three best-selling leadership books and hosts the Deep Leadership podcast.

Resources Mentioned

Jon Rennie Interview Transcript

Pete Mockaitis

Jon, welcome.

Jon Rennie

It’s good to be here, Pete.

Pete Mockaitis

I am excited to have this conversation. I’d love for you to kick us off with a riveting tale from your days in a nuclear submarine during the Cold War. Bring us into the scene.

Jon Rennie

Well, can you imagine 155 guys getting on board a submarine, then locking the hatches for 100 days, where you deploy out in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean for 100 days, and you’re with the people that you deploy with, you have to get all these very difficult things done? We had 24 nuclear missiles, a nuclear reactor, and the average age was about 20 years old, and I did that seven different times in my life. So, it’s kind of an interesting experience. It’s certainly a great place to learn how to deal with people, how to get along with people.

Pete Mockaitis

Absolutely. And, jeez, you know, Jon, do people ever just go nuts down there? Like, how does that work? How do we prevent for that? Because that seems like there’s a reasonable probability that at least a couple of those folks would just mentally lose it. I don’t know if I could handle it. Like, how do you train for that?

Jon Rennie

I don’t know if they train for it, but they do screen, they do a lot of psychological evaluations, but here’s how they really test you. On your first deployment, they actually have you climb inside of a torpedo tube all the way with a grease pencil to write your name on the end, on the outer door of the torpedo tube, and then they shut the inner door while you’re in there. And that’s their test to see if you’re claustrophobic.

Pete Mockaitis

Okay. Well, so you’ve got a couple books here in terms of sharing what business professionals can learn from sailors and their experience in submarines.

Could you give us a cool example of a story, of a principle that you know you’re right, you teach about it, and how it really came to life and transformed someone in their profession, or, in particular, into a leader worth following?

Jon Rennie

So, one of the big things about being on a submarine is that there’s a shared level of responsibility, so every sailor is critical to the operation of a submarine at sea, and no person is more important than another. So, we have a shared responsibility to operate the submarine correctly, complete the mission and get home safely.

Now, the other side of it is we have a shared vulnerability, so if anything goes wrong, if your most junior sailor turns the wrong valve, everyone perishes. So, there’s not like one person dies, we all die. So, there’s a shared level of responsibility and vulnerability that is kind of unique to just about any other organization.

And you can imagine, when I came out of the military and went into the corporate environment, I didn’t get that same feeling.

There were certain people that had certain privileges and other people that had other privileges. And when things went bad, the people with the lower privileges are the ones that get laid off. So, the manufacturing workers or the call center people, they’re the ones that always got the brunt of whenever there were layoffs.

But when I started running manufacturing businesses after I got out of the Navy, I took that philosophy of “We’re all in it together and we need to have a shared level of responsibility and accountability to the business results.” In fact, my second belief, “All in the Same Boat,” because, literally, I learned leadership in a boat, all of us together working towards a common objective.

Pete Mockaitis

Okay. And could you share with us a tale of a time where you shared these principles with folks and someone really latched on and incorporated it, made it their own, and put it into practice, and saw some cool stuff happen?

Jon Rennie

Yeah, my first plant that I took over, I was young, 32 years old, I was the youngest plant manager in that plant’s history. And I came there and I noticed that there was an us-and-them attitude in the manufacturing plant. So, the hourly people kind of stuck to themselves, they had their own bathroom, they had their own areas where they congregated, and the salaried people had their own areas, too. And I kept thinking to myself, “How do we become one team?” We have sort of two separate areas, we live two separate lives, we didn’t have a lot of shared experiences.

And I wanted to get back to those days, like, for example, on a submarine, you stood long watches, six hours at a time, with your coworkers, and you really got to know them, they understood what your challenges, you understood their challenges. We just didn’t have that in the corporate world in this manufacturing plant.

So, I implemented this process called Fridays on the floor, where the first Friday of every month, I went out on the shop floor for four hours, and I work, and every month, I go to a different department and I work. And so, I’d actually operate the equipment, I would get to know the people, they would get to know me, and I learned that there was a tremendous amount of information on the shop floor that most of the salaried, most of the manager, they weren’t even aware of.

So, it was like there were two different worlds we live in. We weren’t one boat; we were two separate boats. And when I started doing that, I kept learning more and more about the way things operated, and the concerns that people have, tooling that was bad, procedures that were bad, all these things that I learned when I was doing it. And when I would come back and talked to the other managers, they didn’t understand my passion, they didn’t understand what I was talking about.

So, over time, we actually created Fridays on the floor for all of our management team, so we all would go out every Friday, we’d rotate different areas. And then after those four hours, we’d come back into one of the meeting rooms, and we would talk about what we learned. And what was interesting is that we basically started bridging that gap between the hourly and salaried people on that site, and we started fixing all these problems that have been going on for years and years that kind of have been ignored.

So, just by doing that, by getting out on the shop floor, and actually spending time with people, we actually built that bond, we built a connection, and we sort of built a common view of the businesses. And so, we ended up on that business, well, I was there for almost four years, and we were able to just improved our processes, reduced our scrap. We ended up having record-level of sales, record-levels of profitability, and a very high-performing operation, and we became sort of the top factory in our division.

But it was all about connecting the people. Instead of having two worlds, we brought them together into one world. And this came straight from the ideas from the military.

Pete Mockaitis

That is good. Back in episode 149, we had a guest S. Chris Edmonds, who said, “People in the organization see stuff that’s dumb all the time.” We see stuff that’s dumb, and then, whether or not that gets shared or implemented upon is, I guess, there’s all kinds of variables that might speak to it in terms of what’s the culture, what’s the psychologically safety in the organization.

And what’s fun about your approach there is we don’t actually have to rely on someone speaking up to get the information. And, hopefully, as you do that over some reps, we build some real trust and communication lines that go both ways so that people will just say, “Hey, our mallet is worn down.” “Oh, got you. Okay. Well, boom, here’s a new one.” So, you see these sorts of ongoing improvements in the communication, the culture, and the ability to fix the stuff they see that’s dumb all the more quickly and readily instead of waiting for years to get a fresh mallet.

Jon Rennie

Yeah, absolutely. And the other thing, too, is I think we built shared experiences, and that’s one thing that we had on the submarine, is we had all these shared experiences where I’d noticed, when I got to the corporate world, they had different experiences about what work life was like. A lot of people on the shop floor didn’t even know what the people in the office did, they’re like, “I don’t know. There’s just a bunch of people over there. I don’t know what they do.”

And so, part of it was them getting to know what we did every day. And I think that was one of the eye-opening things about this Fridays on the floor, is that the people were actually thankful, they were like, “I never knew what you guys did all day long. I never knew what marketing did. I didn’t know what accounting did. I just knew there’s a bunch of people in the office, they got to sit. I had to stand all day.” Really interesting, yeah.

Pete Mockaitis

Okay. Well, so I want to hear about you got a few books. The title I love the most was I Have the Watch: Becoming a Leader Worth Following. A fantastic subtitle. Generally speaking, how does one become a leader worth following?

Jon Rennie

Well, it comes with the title, which is “I Have the Watch.” I was a Naval officer, and part of that, when you took over the watch, you’re responsible for the mission and the people. So, if I was the officer of the deck, for example, I was responsible for six hours for the mission of that submarine and everybody inside of it.

So, in the case of, maybe, the midwatch, the captain was asleep in his rack down in his estate room, and I was responsible for that shift, everything that happened on that shift for those six hours. And so, it’s the idea of mission and people, and that’s really critical, because a lot of times people get promoted into management jobs, and they sort of go back to what they were used to doing, maybe as an individual contributor. They do emails, they go to meetings, and they forget that it’s about the mission and the people.

And so, the idea of “I Have the Watch” is that you have responsibility, you take ownership of the mission, you take ownership of the people, and that’s a really critical part of leadership. And a big part of this book I talk about is that leadership is a people business. It’s about people. So, if you are doing and not leading, then you’re really not doing your job as a leader. So, your job is to lead, your primary function is to lead.

And it’s different than when you’re an individual contributor, like maybe an engineer or an accountant. When you become the manager, you have leadership responsibilities, and sometimes we forget about that. Oftentimes, I saw it in corporate that people forgot their people responsibilities.

Pete Mockaitis

Could you share with us an example of a common people-responsibility that people forget?

Jon Rennie

So, the big thing I saw is busyness. So, we stay busy as managers, and in a lot of cases, it’s fear-based, where managers really don’t want to deal with people because people are messy. I always say that, too, people are messy so they don’t want to deal with it, so, “It’s easier to be in my comfort zone and answer emails, or be on the phone all day, or be in conference rooms all day than going out to the uncomfortable place where my people work, and they may have complaints, or they may have concerns.”

And maybe you’re overloaded, maybe you got a lot of things on your plate, and you don’t want to spend that time getting out and talking to the people so you isolate yourself. And I see a lot of managers, in my 22 years in corporate, I saw the managers isolating themselves, and mostly it was fear-based. They just didn’t want to take the time and listen to the challenges that their employees are having.

And so, I always challenge managers to get out, to go where your people are. It’s an essential part of what we do, is to get out of our offices and spend time to where our people are. So, I have a manufacturing company that I run, and in the afternoons, I always push myself away from my desk, and I go out. I pretty much can work any job on the shop floor, so I’ll just jump on the line and help out the employees. And I’m not there to help, I don’t really do a lot helping, but I’m there to listen, I’m there to talk, and I’m there to communicate because that’s really what’s important. We have to be present as leaders.

Pete Mockaitis

Now, Jon, I’m wondering, so manufacturing is really cool because, well, one, it’s just fun to watch how stuff gets built and it’s unfolding along the process. It’s a beautiful thing to witness.

If folks are in other industries that are a little bit less hands-on or tactile, how might we implement that with regard to that joining together on the frontline and observing? I’m just sort of imagining, I’m thinking about my audio people, like, “So, how do I hop in on that?” It’s like, “So, you’re many miles away from me, and you’re doing audio stuff and software, which I appreciate, I love it.” How might I apply some of these Jon principles in these contexts?

Jon Rennie

So, we’ve seen a lot with remote and hybrid work these days, and the concept, by the way, is not something that I developed. It’s called Gemba, it’s part of the Lean Manufacturing principles that come from Toyota. And the principle of Gemba is to go where the value is added. And, usually, in the case of any type of business where most of your people are, that’s where the value is added. So, you want to go to where your people are.

So, now the question is, “What do you do with hybrid and remote work?” Well, you have a normal check-in process. So, you have a check-in process where, in this case, I would say probably more like once a week where you check in on individuals, and you have a one-on-one, and you say, “How are things going? How are things going with this project?” And you have that chance to be able to touch base. It’s a little different than pushing yourself away from your desk and walking out to where your people are.

So, it’s the idea of Gemba where the value is added, go where the value is added, and it’s going to be different for every type of business.

Pete Mockaitis

All right. Thank you. I guess I’m also thinking about sort of screen-sharing type stuff, like, “Hey, here’s what’s up. Here’s a software I use, etc.” and they could just behold, “Oh, what’s going on there? Oh, wow, that’s really cool.” It’s like, “Wow.” But I think you could still learn some things, like, “Wow, it seems like you’re spending a lot of time dealing with this.” Like, “Yeah, man, we get the audio, it’s a mess.” It’s like, “Oh, I’m sorry. I had no idea. Maybe I should be sending guests microphones,” and we do.

Okay. Cool. You’ve got a number of interesting turns of phrase, which I like to dig into a little bit. What do you mean when you suggest that we let people fail?

Jon Rennie

Failure is a powerful teaching tool. We don’t like to fail, right? So, as humans, we don’t want to fail. We want to succeed in everything we do. One of the things the Navy taught us was that was the best way to learn was to fail. And the way they did it was they put you in a position as junior officer of the watch, so you would have like an officer of the deck, and you have a junior officer of the deck.

And so, when you were junior officer of the deck, you were under the supervision of a more senior watch stander. And so, typically, then you take that junior position, and they would throw all sorts of different casualties at you – flooding, fire, you name it, an incoming torpedo. And they wanted to see how you fought the ship as a junior watch stander. And, inevitably, they would throw everything at you, and you would fail because it was impossible. They threw too many things at you.

And then they would stop the drill, we’d get the ship safe, and they would start talking to you, “What do you think you did right? What do you think you did wrong?” And it was the teaching session, the coaching session, and through that, we became better watch standers because we failed, we learned, and we got better at each of these individual tasks.

Now, what do we do in corporate a lot of times? And one of the things I noticed, kind of coming into corporate, is that we take our really difficult jobs and we give them to our senior people because we don’t want any mistakes, we don’t want failure. We take our junior people and we give them grunt work, and we make them do grunt work until you’ve been around long enough to take on a more important task.

And I think we miss out on opportunities to give younger people challenging assignments and a mentor to help them through that process, so they get exposure to the difficult things in business instead of just doing grunt work. The problem when you give a junior employee grunt work for two years is that they get frustrated.

They might come into your company very excited, very happy to be there, with a lot of passion, and that goes away as they continue to just do stuff that’s beneath maybe their skillsets, or beneath the things that they trained for in college, or maybe they got a certification in something that they never got a chance to use.

So, I really do believe that we need to allow our employees to fail in a controlled manner if we want them to learn and develop and become better.

Pete Mockaitis

Can you give us some examples in practice of folks failing in controlled manner, specifically in terms of what’s a person’s normal responsibilities versus new stretch responsibilities? And how is that controlled manner executed?

Jon Rennie
So, in my case, I’m always looking for leadership potential in employees, like someone that can maybe step up to the next level. And so, one of the things I like to do is to give them a stretch assignment. So, this might be anything from, “Develop a marketing literature for this new product that we’re coming out,” or, “Give me a market study for this particular region for this product,” or, “Lead this effort to setup pricing for this new product.”

So, I’ll give them a stretch assignment that might be outside, which is almost always outside their comfort zone, and then I want to get a chance to meet with them and assess how they do with that, so how did they with the project that was outside their comfort zone. And you learn a lot from those sessions, so you get a lot of feedback. A lot of times, the employee is excited, they get an opportunity to do something different. They’re going to mess up and it’s a great chance for coaching.

You find some employees aren’t ready to step up, and they even say that, like, “Wow, that was way beyond what I want to do. I’m maybe not interested in that.” And others are just energized by it, “Can I do it again? This was fun. This was what I want to do in my career.” So, I think finding great employees and giving them stretch assignments is a great way to evaluate their skills and give them a chance to do something kind of exciting and different.

Pete Mockaitis

All right. So, then with the marketing study, for example, I suppose if they give you a terrible study, nothing disastrous has happened there, it’s just like, “Okay, we’re not going to use this information to make any decisions,” like nobody has died, injured, or millions of dollars have been destroyed. Like, they just said, “Okay, you’ve produced a document that is of no value,” so that is a failure, but it’s controlled in the sense that no major damage has been done. Is that how you think about it?

Jon Rennie

Yeah, I think so. And, again, the more you get a chance to see somebody in action, the more you’re going to give them more responsibility that may have higher risks associated with it. But, yeah, so you do where failure is not going to be fatal.

Pete Mockaitis

Okay, so failure is not going to be fatal. And then you’re sharing with them great feedback associated with, “Hey, thanks for taking a crack at this marketing study. Here are some ways you can make that useful for us, etc.”

Jon Rennie

And also, too, is the feedback of learning from them, like, “How did it go? Where did you struggle? Where did you have a hard time finding information? How do you think you did on this?” Just hearing their experience helps you understand kind of their mindset going into it and coming out of it, and how you can coach them to even be better.

Pete Mockaitis

All right. And do you have pro tips for how you do deliver that coaching?

Jon Rennie

I think it’s kind of being honest. I think being honest is really important. Obviously, you’ve got to be sensitive to people’s feelings. I’m maybe a little more sensitive to that. I don’t want to be too harsh but I do think we need to give them the honest feedback. And I would tell you, I’ve had people where I’d given them stretch assignments, and they have failed, and when I say to them, “This isn’t really working out,” and they know it’s not working out, they’re like, “Yeah, I recognize that, and it’s probably not something I want to do more of.” So, I think both parties recognize when this is not a good fit.

Pete Mockaitis

Well, Jon, just for thought, I’d love to zoom in. Let’s say I handed you a marketing study, which clearly appeared to be assembled in 45 minutes with Google and ChatGPT and had factual inaccuracies but a couple of cool-looking charts, and so it’s no good. How do you share that with me?

Jon Rennie

Yeah, I would ask the process, “So, how did you develop this? Where did it come from?”

Pete Mockaitis

“Oh, I did some research across the internet.”

Jon Rennie

“Yeah. Well, what kind of research?”

Pete Mockaitis
“Oh, I was looking to see different competitors and their potential revenue associated with these offerings.”

Jon Rennie

“Did you talk to anyone else as you went through the research? Did you talk to anyone in the marketing department or anybody in our sales department?”

Pete Mockaitis

“Oh, no, I didn’t talk to anybody.”

Jon Rennie

“Okay. Why not?”

Pete Mockaitis

“Oh, it didn’t occur to me.”

Jon Rennie

“Hmm,” so I think there’s the discussion, there’s the sort of finding out what and where that they could do…where they see the aha moments, like, “Maybe I should’ve talked to more people.”

Pete Mockaitis

Okay. And so, I’m wondering, how do you also convey kind of the standard or what good is?

Jon Rennie

Does it answer all the questions we’re looking for? Typically, with an assignment like this, we have things that we want to get out of it, and if they fall short, then we’re going to have those discussions.

Pete Mockaitis

Okay, there you go in terms of, “Okay, the study to go into a little bit more detail, these are the particular questions we were looking to get answers for, and this deliverable does not presently answer those questions, or has false answers to those questions.”

Jon Rennie
Right. Exactly, yeah.

Pete Mockaitis

Okay. You also have the turn of a phrase “earn your oxygen.” What does that mean and how do we apply it?

Jon Rennie

So, we have an expression on the submarine that was, how do I say it, it’s a little controversial because there was a high level of positive peer pressure on a submarine. I mentioned earlier, every sailor has to have, “We have to trust you with our lives.” And so, when you first come on a submarine, we call you a nob. A nob is a non-useful body. Until you could earn your oxygen, until you could be responsible for some area of the submarine, then you were a useful body.

So, you were taking in the oxygen and the food from people that were useful, and so there was a high level of positive peer pressure to get qualified, to become a qualified operator. And so, what qualification meant on a submarine was for the sailors, junior sailors, to work with more senior sailors to prove their competencies in various operations, procedures, watch standing.

And so, as they prove their proficiency, they would actually have, what’s called, a qualification card, a qual card, and they would get signatures that, “Okay, a senior watch stander says this person understands how to use the torpedo launch system. This person knows how to repair a steam fitting.” So, you would get qualified over time and become qualified.

So, earn your oxygen means that everywhere you go, not even in the Navy, but in the civilian world, “What are you doing to earn your oxygen? What are you doing to add value to the business that you work for, the organization that you work for?” So, I often talk to high school students, and that’s one of the messages I say, is, “Don’t be a nob.”

And so, the concept there is that there are so many people in our world that are consumers and not creators. They’re consumers and they’re not builders. And so, I really encourage high school students to “Not be a consumer, not spend your time online just entertaining yourself. What are you doing to build? What are you doing to grow? What are you doing to add value?” So, the idea of earning your oxygen is becoming valuable to your organization, whoever you work for or whatever you’re doing in the world.

Pete Mockaitis

And I think that’s important to consider. And I think about in business-y terms, there’s the value you consume associated with there are costs, associated with keeping you employed with a salary and benefits, equipment, office space, etc. and then there’s value you, hopefully, are creating through your work. And so, I guess if you talk about oxygen versus dollars, it’s interesting that in some fields it’s very clear, like sales, like, “Okay, man, this is what you sold, this is what I’m paying you,” or a fundraising, it’s very clear.

And then it gets a little fuzzier the farther away it gets from that in terms of, it’s like, “Oh, well, I am doing accounting or finance work.” And so, it’s like, “Okay, well, that needs to be done, we have to stay compliant, that’s valuable.” And so, it’s tricky to precisely assess that, and yet I think, it’s my belief, as we see layoffs and such, that the more clear and massive the value you’re contributing is, the safer your job and the more likely you’re going to be on an upward trajectory there.

Jon Rennie

Yeah, absolutely. And I would say a lot of people will kind of come into a job, and they say, “Well, this is your job responsibilities,” and people will do the bare minimum, or they would just do that job responsibility. And I also say look for the extras that you can add value to in the organization. So, I started out in corporate world as an associate design engineer in a cubicle. And five years later, I was running a manufacturing plant.

Well, it didn’t happen that I just magically got there. It was through earning my oxygen and adding value in everything that I did. And, in my case, going from a cubicle to the corner office was all about volunteering, learning new skills, being there when the company needed me, and doing anything I could to support the organizational objectives. And that eventually got me the opportunity to lead a plant.

But I think if you haven’t put the extra work in, you say, “Well, I want to be promoted, I want to move up the corporate ladder but I’m not willing to put the work in,” you’re not going to get there. It does take extra effort if you want to get noticed, if you want to achieve goals that you have in your career. I didn’t necessarily have a goal to run a manufacturing plant at 32 but it happened because I was adding a lot of value in everything I did.

Pete Mockaitis

And, Jon, I’d love to hear the counterpoint to that in terms of if employees are doing that and have seen, “Hmm, the meritocratic forces do not seem to be operational here. My added value appears to amount to squat and it feels like I’m just sort of burning the midnight oil for no extra compensation, and it feels like a raw deal,” how do you speak to that perspective? And how do we assess whether extra efforts are likely to result in extra goodies?

Jon Rennie

Well, it doesn’t always work out that way, does it? So, I have a good friend, John Brubacher, who always said, “Go where you’re celebrated, not where you’re tolerated.” And I think a lot of times that we are in positions, or in organizations, that don’t recognize that kind of extra effort, you have bosses that don’t care necessarily, or they’re looking out for themselves and not looking out for their team, so there are times when you can do a lot of extra work and not get noticed, and maybe that’s not the right organization that you should be in.

But I think it’s good to have a discussion. You’re always going to have those opportunities to have a one-on-one with your boss, and a lot of companies it’s once a year. During annual performance review, you get a chance to sit down with your boss. And at that point, you can have that discussion, “Hey, I’ve been trying to do this. I’ve got this dream, or this desire, or this goal, to get to this level. I’ve been doing a lot of extra work. What else could I be doing to try to earn or move into the position I’m looking to do?” Have that frank conversation. But I would also say is be willing to move to find those opportunities.

Pete Mockaitis

Okay. Thank you. Well, Jon, tell me, anything else you want to make sure to mention before we shift gears and hear about some of your favorite things?

Jon Rennie

I think the one thing I would say to this, when it comes to like a similar analogy from the Navy to the businesses is that without a crew, the ship is just a hunk of steel sitting in the harbor. It takes a crew to bring a ship to life. It takes people to bring our businesses to life, our plans to life, the things we’re trying to do. So, I think people are very critical to our business, and without them, we’re not going to go anywhere. So, I think we sometimes overlook the importance of people in our organizations.

Pete Mockaitis

Okay. Well, now, Jon, could you share with us a favorite quote, something you find inspiring?

Jon Rennie

Well, I like Teddy Roosevelt just as many of the things he said, but “The Man in the Arena” quote is probably been best for me. So, the idea of being in the arena is where I want to be, not a critic in the stands. And I always say be a builder, not a critic. It’s hard to be a builder. It’s easy to be a critic.

Pete Mockaitis

All right. And could we hear a favorite study or experiment or bit of research?

Jon Rennie

I’ve been doing a lot of work right now in my Ph.D. program on perseverance and grit, and, especially, in small teams, “How do you develop grit in a team?” So, Angela Duckworth did a lot of work on grit. I love her work. So, yeah, perseverance has been something I’ve been into lately.

Pete Mockaitis

Okay. And a favorite book?

Jon Rennie

First, Break All the Rules by Marcus Buckingham. It’s the one book that sort of changed my outlook for how leaders can lead.

Pete Mockaitis

And a favorite habit?

Jon Rennie

I get up at 4:00 a.m. every morning. So, I write until 5:00, and I work out from 5:00 to 6:00. So, I’ve been doing that for about 10 years, and so I feel like I get a lot done in the early morning.

Pete Mockaitis

All right. And is there a key nugget you share that really seems to connect and resonate with folks; you hear them quote it back to you often?

Jon Rennie

The big one is leadership is a people business. I see that quite a lot.

Pete Mockaitis

All right. And if folks want to learn more or get in touch, where would you point them?

Jon Rennie

My website JonSRennie.com, and I’m on every social media @jonsrennie. I’m pretty active on Twitter, so. X, I guess, now.

Pete Mockaitis

All right. And do you have a final challenge or call to action for folks looking to be awesome at their jobs?

Jon Rennie

Hey, you want to be awesome at your job, don’t be a nob, don’t be a non-useful body. Be useful in everything you do.

Pete Mockaitis

All right, Jon, thank you and good luck.

Jon Rennie

Thank you, Pete.

932: How to Have Breakthrough Conversations with Dr. Marcia Reynolds

By | Podcasts | One Comment

 

 

Master coach Dr. Marcia Reynolds reveals how to prompt more lightbulb moments through reflective inquiry.

You’ll Learn:

  1. Why coaching is simpler than you think 
  2. How to shift into the ideal state of mind 
  3. Your most powerful coaching tool 

About Marcia

Dr. Marcia Reynolds is passionate about researching, writing about, and teaching people around the world how to engage in powerful conversations that connect, influence, and activate change.

She was the 5th global president of the International Coaching Federation and is recognized by Global Gurus as one of the top five coaches in the world. She is also the creator of the renowned WBECS program, Breakthrough Coaching.

Interviews and excerpts from her books have appeared in many places including Fast Company, Forbes.com, CNN.com, Psychology Today, The Globe and Mail, and The Wall Street Journal and she has appeared in business magazines in Europe, Asia and on ABC World News.

Resources Mentioned

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Dr. Marcia Reynolds Interview Transcript

Pete Mockaitis

Marcia, welcome back.

Marcia Reynolds
Yeah, thanks for having me.

Pete Mockaitis

Well, I’m excited to dig into your wisdom, and we’re talking about creating little lightbulb moments within coaching conversations. Could you kick us off by sharing a couple of your most memorable lightbulb moments in such conversations?

Marcia Reynolds

It’s amazing to me how people always wanted to make coaching so complex that, oftentimes, that lightbulb moment can come with just some of the initial questions. I’ve been spending a lot more time when people start to talk about their issues, what they’re frustrated about, just the keywords that really stand out, asking them, “Well, what do you mean by that? When you say you’re really disappointed, tell me more about what are you disappointed about?”

That just asking them to explain what they just spouted off, often when they just start to think about, “Well, I did say that. What did I mean?” that that creates an aha, an insight. So, just even that, or, “So, what are the things that led you to believe that?” asking that question. Or, “If somebody were to argue with you, what might they say?” Sometimes it’s just those initial questions that kind of open people’s eyes and their minds. And so, I’m finding, even how I get into the conversation is just as important as what comes after.

Pete Mockaitis

That’s beautiful. Well, can you share with us how such a conversation unfolded and the lightbulb moment that emerged?

Marcia Reynolds

I was actually coaching this woman on how she shows up in her leadership meetings, and she says, “I just want to be more confident.” And I said, “So, tell me what confidence means to you. What does it look like?” And it’s such a throwaway term, and she was like, “Oh, oh. Well, I guess what I really want is to be able to disagree with someone, and to be comfortable with that.” Well, see, that’s a little different than just “Feeling good about myself, building my self-esteem.”

So, starting to move down that path, “So, tell me more about these times where you feel that your disagreement could be useful but you hesitated.” And it was just amazing when she started to lay out those moments and what she could’ve contributed, that that really led to easily, “So, what do you think got in the way? Let’s look at resolving that.” But it was defining what she really wanted to do, specifically, instead of this vague term confidence was so important to her to knowing what she really wanted to create for herself.

So, I often really push you’ve got to both have a very significant picture of what the person wants to create instead of what they have now. It can’t be a vague term. It can’t be, “I need to make a decision,” or it can’t even be an emotion, “I want to be happier.” It’s got to be a picture you and I can both see. And working to even just create that picture is so powerful for people to recognize this in their own head, that it makes the rest of the coaching easier.

And you can do this in any conversation. It doesn’t have to be a coach to a client, but a leader, a parent, that just asking those questions, “What do you mean by that? Can you expound on that a little bit? What would it look like if it were different for you?” That alone makes such a difference for people not just in their own understanding but they feel like, “Oh, you care enough about me that you want to help me walk through this.” It’s very engaging, so.

Pete Mockaitis

Well, I was going to ask just that in terms of what do you suppose is the magic at work here, Marcia? Why do we suppose this works the way it does? And it sounds like there’s one skeleton key right there is folks really feel heard, appreciated, listened to, validated, cared about, and that’s powerful in our humanity.

Marcia Reynolds

Right. Right. So, I’m going to step into the conversation with you. I’m going to be willing. I feel safe to share what my fears are, what my doubts are, and that’s a big thing. The other part of it, on the science side of it, is that I’m using a different part of the brain when I ask you these questions instead of telling you what I think. If I tell you what I think, you’re using your cognitive brain. I’m actually pacifying your brain. You don’t have to think other than, “Oh, that’s a good idea,” or, “That’s stupid.”

But when I start to ask you these questions, you start to use the middle brain, which is the creative part of your brain, and you start having to really think things through, and it makes new connections, and that’s how we have a lightbulb moment, is that we see something we had not seen before. And that actually creates new connections that are sustainable. You don’t go back to what you were doing and how you were seeing things.

Which, when I tell you what to do, if it feels kind of awkward, you’re going to say, “Well, that was dumb. I’m not going to do that anymore.” But when you come up with it on your own, and you change your perspective, you’re likely to commit with more confidence to making a change.

Pete Mockaitis

Certainly, as opposed to just passively judging, “That’s cool,” “That’s dumb.”

Marcia Reynolds

Exactly, which is what we tend to do, right?

Pete Mockaitis

So, I’d love it if we could zoom into the context of professionals talking to other professionals, as opposed to a full-blown executive coach working with a coaching client. I’m wondering, how the context shifts and what things we should keep in mind when we are working with one of our direct reports, or even just a peer and a colleague?

Marcia Reynolds

Well, like I said, this can work in any conversation, but the main thing is that you’re very clear on your intent. I I go into the conversation with my intent is that I’m going to make you do something, then your questions are going to come out like judgmental or condescending, and they won’t engage.

So, I can ask, “Okay, so you used the word confidence. Explain to me a little bit more what confidence in this context means to you.” That’s different than, “What do you mean by confidence?” So, your intention will often shape the conversation. So, when I teach leaders a coaching approach, because I don’t make them into coaches. I can’t do that in a short workshop, but I say, “You start with intent.”

“Are you there to really help them achieve something they want, not just want you want? But you’ve got to know what they want. So, if you don’t know, start there. What would be important now for you to make a change? Do they want to be a leader? Do they want to have better relationships on their team? Do they want less stress? What’s important to them, because you need to tie the conversation into something they want, the what’s-in-it-for-me? And they need to know that you care enough about what they want.” So, it starts there.

And that no matter where you are with them, you might be disappointed, you might be angry, you have to also manage and actually set the emotional tone, whether you’re a leader or a colleague. You go into the conversation with, “I care about this relationship and I want to really have a good ending.” If you go in disappointed, angry, then, again, your emotion is going to impact the result of the conversation, even more than the words you choose.

So, you have to choose your emotional state, know what the intention is, and always respect the person you’re with, the human you’re with, they’re on a journey. And whatever they did, most people are trying to do the best they can with what they know, and they’ll get better. They may not have the experience you have, but just telling them what they should do, that doesn’t help either.

So, having a conversation where we can explore their thinking, and then even asking that question, “If someone were to argue with you, what might they say? Are there some things in their argument you might want to consider?” It’s better than saying, “Well, there are some things you should think about. You didn’t about this, this, and this,” but to ask the questions instead will help them to sort through their thinking and to see other possibilities. So, it’s intention, emotional state, and respect, that’s really critical to all these conversations.

Pete Mockaitis

Now I’m curious. When you say choose your emotional state, that sounds like a prudent thing to do but, in practice, I think my experience is that it can be a little bit tricky to just select from the menu of emotional states, it’s like, “Yes, this is the one I’d like. I’m currently feeling tired and crabby and irritable. But what I would like to feel is compassionate and loving and curious. Ah, yes, punch in those buttons and I’m now experiencing that emotional state.”

It usually doesn’t quite work out that way for me, even if I make my power moves and do all the things Tony Robbins told me to do. How do you recommend we…?

Marcia Reynolds

Well, it can be a cognitive process, and that’s what you’re saying, “Okay, I’m going to choose this, then I want to be this.” So, like you’re driving in your car, and the traffic is awful, and you’re tense, and it’s crazy, and you say to yourself, “I should feel patient. I should feel patient.” It lasts for about how long? So, you have to do something that’s going to help you to actually embody patience, so maybe turn on some music.

What I used to do when I used to make this long drive, the traffic was so jammed up, that I would just look in the sky and look for hawks because there was always a lot of hawks in the area, and I wouldn’t see them if I didn’t look for them. So, by looking for the hawks, and remembering I’m in this beautiful place, and turning on some music, I can start to feel a different state.

So, you have to feel it in order to shift. So, do you know what compassion feels like? What would it take? What do you have to feel about this person in order to feel compassion? And if you go into a conversation, and you’re just so kind of disappointed with them that you can’t, then at least say that, “I really want to be here in this conversation, and I’m disappointed because you promised this three times and haven’t done it, so I’m having a little hard time getting over that.”

So, explain it, don’t fake it, and then see what happens but that’s what emotional intelligence is. The word intelligence, the root of the word is choice between, that I have choice if I want to. If I don’t want to, I want to stay angry with you, then I’m going to stay angry, but at least choose anger. You do have the power to choose but you have to feel it. It’s a biological state, not just a cognitive state.

Pete Mockaitis

And when it comes to these lightbulb moments, I think these are fantastic principles and controlling what’s within our control, in terms of choosing the emotional state, and the intention, and such. At the same time, I wonder, it seems like a good part of it is really not up to us, even if we show up at our maximum.

And lightbulb moments, it almost feels like something…well, that’s what’s so intriguing about your book, it’s like, “Oh, lightbulb moments, huh? Like, can those just be engineered, we just make, push the button, make that happen? That seems impossible.” So, tell us, what are the conditions in terms of the environment or the person that we’re engaging with that also need to be present or boost the probability of us having some of these lightbulb moments?

Marcia Reynolds

So, first, I want to say that when I coach people, and their result is going to be based on somebody else, like, “Oh, okay, I’m going to go have a conversation with so and so,” I always, then, ask the question, “Well, if it doesn’t turn out like you wanted to, what will you then do?” because we’re not in full control of where they’re willing to go. So, to know that. But even then, if I sense resistance, then I’m going to say, “When you said that you were going to make this change, you didn’t seem to have commitment in your words. So, what’s the hesitation?” And so, I will ask about it.

What a lot of people don’t understand about coaching is that it’s not just asking questions. A lot of it is just reflecting. And I have found even far more power in the reflection than the question. So, if I said, like with the confidence example, “You used the term confidence. Tell me more about that.” I would have to use that. I wouldn’t just say, “Tell me more about what you just said.” I would use the word she said.

Or, with the hesitation, “You seem to be hesitating. It’s like you said it but you sighed before you said it. That doesn’t seem like a real commitment.” So, I would share what I noticed, and ask the questions. So, it’s that, that sharing back of what I hear, what I notice, what I witness that they then take in their whole experience, and then speak to it. And that then helps them to see beyond that.

And maybe they’ll say, “Yeah, I don’t really want to do this.” And that happened to me once, I said, “Okay, so we’ve had this whole conversation but you don’t really want to make a change.” “Well, no, not really.” I said, “Okay, so can we back up a little bit and take a look at what is it that you really want out of this situation?”

So, I think that really getting good at recognizing what needs to be shared back, and that’s all a part of being really present, to hear, “What are the key things? Or, what did you just notice that was significant, and share that back?” That’s really what being a thinking partner is, and that’s what we are when we’re doing even a coaching approach to the conversation. And that’s what creates those creative insights. A lightbulb moment is really just a creative insight that I have.

And then I help you articulate that because it doesn’t mean anything if you just go, “Oh, okay, great. I get it now.” It’s like, “Well, what did you get? Would you be willing to share that?” They must articulate the insight before they can act on it.

Pete Mockaitis
And you mentioned staying present, I think that distractions are omnipresent in our world, externally and internally. Do you have some best practices or favorite approaches you use when you find yourself drifting to get right back in the groove?

Marcia Reynolds

Well, Pete, there’s two things. Drifting before the conversation and drifting in the conversation are two different things. So, before the conversation, you can do some mental preparation, “What is my intention? What is it I’m feeling? Can I make the shift? Or, if I can, how will I address it? Do I respect this person?” You can mentally prepare.

During the conversation, that’s just a discipline of starting to notice. There’s something out my window distracting me, which I had to move, actually, my computer because I was getting, like, all kinds of wildlife out my window, it’s very distracting. So, I have to create this space where I’ll have less external distractions that will pull me away.

But staying, if I’m listening to share back with you what I’m hearing, what I noticed, the reflection, then I have to stay present to that, otherwise I’ll miss it. And I can see it. When I mentor coaches, and I’m watching this, and I see the key moment that they missed, I can tell that they got stuck on something that was said before, and they’re just waiting to ask this question. It’s like, “I’ll wait till this person shuts up so I can ask this question.” That’s a distraction because, then, maybe what they said after you noticed that was even more important.

So, “Can I stay with this person to really hear what’s going on with them so I can pick up the key elements that I want to share back?” That requires me to stay present in this moment, and it is a practice. It’s more important to practice, that being present in the conversation than even what I’m going to say.

Pete Mockaitis

And I guess, this is practical note, if someone said something you really want to follow up on, should you just write it down so that it’s there for you later?

Marcia Reynolds

I may write down one word. I don’t want to write a whole bunch because then they’re looking at the top of your head. But I might write down just one word, especially if I’ve got a verbal processor that’s like all over the place. Like, even just an hour ago, I had a client, and she tends to do that to me. She’s like, “Well, I want to talk about this,” and then she’ll drift off down this path, down this path, down this path.

And so, I will even say, “So, you kind of gone down some different paths. Do you want to go back to the original path? Or, is there’s something now that’s coming up for you that’s more important?”

So, I will indicate to them that there was something that seemed to be important. And I invite them to choose, “So, where do you want to focus on now?” and pull them back down. And most of the verbal processors that I worked with appreciate it because they know they are all over the place, and they’re always like, “Thank you for making me just drill down to what it is I really want.”

Pete Mockaitis

Okay. Well, Marcia, tell me, anything else you really want to make sure to mention before we hear about some of your favorite things?

Marcia Reynolds

This comes back to what you were saying at how important it is that people feel engaged. To remember why we’re there, I always say, “I’m not there to make people feel better.” We often think our conversations have to be, “Rah, rah, you’re so great, blah, blah.” We’re there to help people see better. And even if it’s a little painful for me to see some reality I had not seen before, I appreciate that you took the time to help me with that so I can move forward.

So, don’t ever think people can’t handle it because that’s truly what they see of value is, “You helped me to see things in a way I couldn’t, that helped me learn and grow.” So, I always say you aren’t there to help them feel better. You’re there to help them see better. And I think that’s a significant thing, a role that we can play for other people in our lives.

Pete Mockaitis

Oh, lovely. Thank you. Now, could you share with us a favorite quote, something you find inspiring?

Marcia Reynolds

I have a quote on my wall that just says, “It doesn’t really matter that which I’m afraid if I’m acting in the service of my vision.”

Pete Mockaitis

All right. And a favorite study or experiment or bit of research?

Marcia Reynolds

So, there was a study done last year, where it was just 16 people, but that’s how studies start. They start with a sample.

And they talked to these people to find out something that was important for them to work on, as we would in coaching. So, each one had their own personal dilemma, issue, decision, that they wanted to work on. So, they then, each person, first off, they gave them a really nice room, a comfortable room, quiet, no distractions, to where they can start thinking this through.

Now, all of them had on brain monitors, so they were monitoring brain activity. And then, afterwards, they talked to them about, “So, what did you discover? What were your insights?” So, they put them in the room, and they did this, and then they took them out, and gave them a mentor, somebody who would share their experiences, their suggestions, their ideas. Again, monitored the brain.

And then both things, both situations, it was actually similar brain movement, not spiky, it had some movements, they came up with some ideas. But then the third scenario, they had them sit down with a coach that used reflective inquiry, what I was talking about. The brain monitors went off the charts, they were like, “Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah” all over the place.

So, when I said to you it pacifies people’s brains when you tell them what to do, but even self-analyzing, we don’t do this well on our own. And so, the third, with the activity, and then afterwards, they came up with all these different things that they hadn’t thought about before. And so, it just demonstrated for the 16 different people, with 16 different issues, had similar responses on their brain monitoring, that it was the coaching that had such a huge response in their brain.

Now, of course, they need to expand this out with other people, other scenarios, cultural differences, but, to me, that was just like, “Well, there it is, there’s the chart.” And I loved that research.

Pete Mockaitis

Well, that is good. And I’m curious, either from your own experience or from the study, are there any particular prompts, or patterns, that you can just tell, “Wow, when you prompt somebody with this, those wheels get turning”? Anything leaping to mind there?

Marcia Reynolds

Yeah, just asking someone, “So, how do you know that to be true?”

Pete Mockaitis

All right, that’s awesome.

Marcia Reynolds

Sometimes it’s as simple as that, but always after a reflection, “So, you told me that you think everybody is out to get you, you don’t have any allies in this company. How do you know that to be true? I’m just looking for the evidence.” And you know what so interesting, Pete? There are so many times I’ve had leaders start by saying, “Well, the team is resistant, and they don’t want to make changes.”

And I’ll say, “The entire team?” “Well, no, not the entire team. It’s just a handful of people.” “Okay, so you’re telling me that there’s a handful of people that are really resistant to this?” “Well, it’s actually just this one person that’s kind of really stirring, rocking the boat.” And it’s so interesting that, again, so I’m just looking at, “So, this is what you’re telling me, is that true? This is what you’re telling me, is that true?”

And how that brings forth, again, their thinking that they really narrow down their general statements to specific that makes the difference.

Pete Mockaitis

And could you share a favorite book?

Marcia Reynolds

I’ve been a follower of Robert Sapolsky for years, and he has a new book out on free will. And it comes back to what you were saying earlier, “Can we really change in that moment?” And a lot of the neurosciences say, “We don’t have a lot of free will. The more you are flooding with an emotion, the more difficult it is to actually choose. Your brain chooses it for you.”

Pete Mockaitis

All right. And could you share a favorite tool, something you use that helps you be awesome at your job?

Marcia Reynolds

Well, actually, I’ve been using, for email, a thing called Sanebox. You know Sanebox?

Pete Mockaitis

I do.

Marcia Reynolds

I absolutely love it because it sorts all my mail into what I should be reading right now, what maybe I might want to read, what I can totally throw away, and it does that quickly. And I just need to do that. We’re so inundated with email. So, that’s my favorite.

Pete Mockaitis

Okay. And now it’s time for a Marcia quote, something you share that folks quote back to you again and again.

Marcia Reynolds

“They really want you to be present more than they need you to be perfect.”

Pete Mockaitis

Okay. And, Marcia, if folks want to reach out to you or learn more about your book, Breakthrough Coaching: Creating Lightbulb Moments in Your Coaching Conversations, where would you point them?

Marcia Reynolds

To my website. It’s CoVisioning.com. There’s a book page that has all the books, but also there’s a link if you do purchase the book, you can get a whole e-book of tools and tips and exercises. So, there’s a link on the book page on my website.

Pete Mockaitis

All right. And do you have a final challenge or call to action for folks looking to be awesome at their jobs?

Marcia Reynolds

Work on letting go so you can receive, not just listen, but fully receive what people are saying and what they’re expressing. If we can do that, it makes them feel you’re there with them, as well as you actually hear them.

Pete Mockaitis

All right. Well, Marcia, thank you. This has been a treat. I wish you many lightbulb moments.

Marcia Reynolds

Thank you. Thank you, Pete.

927: Fixing One-on-One Meetings Improves (almost) Everything with Dr. Steven Rogelberg

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Dr. Steven Rogelberg explains why one-on-one meetings are so critical—and shares best practices for both managers and employees.

You’ll Learn:

  1. Why having more one-on-ones actually saves time
  2. How to create a meeting agenda that works
  3. The right way to ask your manager for help 

About Steven

Dr. Steven G. Rogelberg, an organizational psychologist, holds the title of Chancellor’s Professor at UNC Charlotte for distinguished national, international and interdisciplinary contributions. He is an award-winning teacher and recipient of the very prestigious Humboldt Award for his research on meetings. Adam Grant has called Steven the “world’s leading expert on how to fix meetings”.

Dr. Rogelberg’s previous book, The Surprising Science of Meetings: How You Can Lead Your Team to Peak Performance (Oxford) has been on over 25 “best of” lists including being recognized by the Washington Post as the #1 leadership book to watch for.

He was the inaugural winner of the Society for Industrial and Organizational Psychology (SIOP) Humanitarian Award and just finished his term as President of SIOP, the largest professional organization in the world for I-O psychology.

Resources Mentioned

Dr. Steven Rogelberg Interview Transcript

Pete Mockaitis

Steven, welcome to How to be Awesome at Your Job.

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

Thank you. It’s really great to be here.

Pete Mockaitis

Well, I’m stoked to be chatting about your book Glad We Met: The Art and Science of 1:1 Meetings. But first, I have to hear from you, can you think of a particularly transformational or consequential one-on-one meeting in your own life and what made it so special?

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

Yeah, it was really the experience of leading one with one of my directs, and just seeing how it impacted her. So, she came into the one-on-one in a really bad place, and then, by the end of it, she was in a different place. She was kind of charged up to address the challenges that she was confronting, and I was just grateful. It feels great to help one of your directs who is struggling.

Pete Mockaitis

Totally. And can you tell us, broadly speaking, and not just in your own experience there but in your research and across workplaces, really what’s at stake if we have one-on-one meetings go amazingly versus okay?

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

Well, the research is clear and powerful. Leaders who do one-on-one meetings well, the gains are tremendous. We see it positively affecting employee experience, employee engagement, even retention of your top talent. From a team perspective, there’s a strong linkage between good one-on-ones and team performance, inclusion efforts are enhanced, and the sweet composite of all this is, is that this is really good for the manager. Because as your people, and as the team thrives, it only reflects well on you. So, one-on-ones are one of these activities that everyone benefits from.

Pete Mockaitis

All right. Well, as you did your research, tell me, did anything really surprised you, or strike you, or seem shocking?

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

I thought it was really interesting that when we surveyed employees about how often they’d want a one-on-one meeting with their manager, well, let me throw it back at you, Pete. What do you think? What do you think the typical responses? How often do people want one-on-ones with their manager?

Pete Mockaitis

More than they’re getting is the theme, I would say.

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

That’s a really good response. So, the typical response was, “Weekly.” And what was so interesting is that more senior employees actually desired even more one-on-ones than more junior employees. So, counter to generational stereotypes, we see a reverse of that.

Pete Mockaitis

Oh, that’s right. That is a great reversal of generational stereotypes

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

I think that everyone wants to be seen, and one-on-one meetings are that opportunity to be seen. And I think with the senior-level folks, they know with their experience how critical it is to have this contact with their manager that really focuses on success, alignment, removing barriers and obstacles, so they get it. And because they get it, they want it.

Pete Mockaitis

Okay. So, they know it matters and they want it all the more. So, that’s what we want. Well, what are we getting?

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

Well, the cadence out there is very variable, some managers are meeting with their people once a week. Many others are doing it once a month. That’s very common. Still, others do it quarterly, which is basically a no-meeting cadence. But more concerning is our research generally shows that around 50% of one-on-ones are rated sub-optimally, so we’re not realizing their full potential.

And then, Pete, the thing that’s crazy is that if you surveyed these two individuals leaving the meeting room, the manager thinks it went much better than the direct. They seem to have a little bit of a blind spot.

Pete Mockaitis

Well, that’s quite a confluence of forces, a perfect storm here. People want lots of one-on-one meetings, they’re not getting those one-on-one meetings. When they happen, they’re usually disappointing, and yet, the manager thinks that things are going just fine and dandy all at the same time.

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

Exactly. Pete, you literally just nailed why I wrote this book, it was to address that statement exactly.

Pete Mockaitis

Okay. So, lay it on us then, Steven, if we are hurting on this dimension, what are the tops things we can do to improve it?

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

So, some of the common mistakes is people don’t prepare, they don’t try to find this connective tissue between one-on-ones, and that’s really the wonderful value of one-on-ones is that you can create this connective tissue and to build momentum.

They’re not doing them at the right cadence. They are making the meeting more about the manager and less about the direct. They can’t help themselves. They talk more than the direct, which is one of the greatest predictors of one-on-one ineffectiveness. They don’t have a plan of action. They don’t involve the direct in creating that plan of action. They don’t kind of create an environment that’s psychologically safe, so the directs don’t come in there and actually share what’s important to them. They don’t, at the end of the one-on-one, recap what was agreed upon. And they don’t follow through on the various commitments.

So, those are some of the plagues that happen, but there are so many more. We could go into cancellations, for example. One of the biggest mistakes that managers do is they cancel these one-on-ones frequently. And think about what a signal that is to your employees, that basically you have this activity that’s about them, but if something else comes up that’s pressing, you cancel. You immediately lower the importance of your employees.

And what we found in the research is a much better practice is if you have to cancel, move up the meeting as opposed to move it back even if you only meet with that person for 10 minutes. But that type of a behavior, as opposed to being a negative signal, it becomes a positive signal, that no matter what, you’re going to find that time for your people.

Pete Mockaitis

That’s huge. And it’s so funny because it does happen all the time, I’ve seen it, and I’ve been guilty, I guess, on both sides. And it’s so interesting, I think the manager’s perspective is maybe something like, “Ah, well, this is something within my control, my people. I have some flexibility and leeway to move this around,” versus, “Super big deal client. That? Oh, no, I have to bend over backwards and deal with them, pronto. Like, I have no choice in that matter,” versus this meeting with my people, “Hey, man, we’re cool. Yeah, we’ll could shift that around. No problem.”

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

That’s right.

Pete Mockaitis

But that’s not so cool.

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

It’s not. It’s one of those things. People go through their workdays, they’re looking at signals, signals about their values, signals of their importance, signals about who their manager really is, and we have to be careful. Like, sometimes we say one thing but our signals and behavior suggests something very different.

And so, one of the things I really get into in the book is that this is not an optional activity. This is a core requirement of leadership, and the alternative title for the book that I played with is “This is the one meeting that should not be an email,” because this is a stage for leadership. This is where leadership really happens.

Now, we’ve all heard the old adage that people don’t leave bad jobs, they leave bad bosses. And one-on-ones are this opportunity to display awesome leadership, to foster these meaningful relationships with your people, to help them on their path and on their journey. And by doing so, all boats are raised.

Pete Mockaitis

All right. Now, previously, you used the term connective tissue. Just to make sure we don’t lose that, what precisely does that mean?

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

So, basically, one-on-ones really move to the next level when each one-on-one kind of connects with a past one-on-one. So, let’s say that you and I are having a one-on-one, Pete, and as part of it, it emerges that you are struggling with conflict management types of tasks, that it really brings you down, it drains you, it just takes this really big toll. So, we spend some time talking about it, we share some resources, what have you.

Well, at our next one-on-one, if I start the one-on-one by saying, “Hey, Pete, I know you’re working on some of the conflict management stuff. How’s that been going for you?” that conveys that I’ve been listening, that I care, that I’m tracking these things. So, to the extent that the story, the story of your career, the story of your success continues, it just becomes a much more powerful conversation. It’s like imagine a relationship with a friend who completely forgets everything that you both talked about last time. That friendship would not thrive.

Pete Mockaitis

All right. Well, Steven, it seems like a huge part of this value and goodness can be unlocked simply by deciding, “Okay, this is a priority. I’m going to make the time. I’m not going to shift the meetings around. I’m going to take the time to thoughtfully prepare. I’m going to listen.” So, let’s say that someone is committed, they’ve got the will. What are some of the practices that even then they might overlook?

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

So, one of the things is that I found it pretty surprising. When we were looking at some of the design factors around these, and I wasn’t sure about the importance of an agenda for one-on-ones. And it only happens around 50% of the time, but what the research showed is that when there was an agenda, but a lightweight agenda, those one-on-ones seem to excel much greater.

And so, when we think about what that agenda could look like, I want to share a couple approaches that seem to be most well received. One is the listing approach where you tell your direct, “Come to the one-on-one with a list of topics that you want to talk about. I’ll create a list as well but, please, know my list is secondary. I’m only going to bring up my list if it measures with yours or if we have time.”

“Also, when you’re creating your list, I want you to think big, small, long term, short term, you, your team, your organization,” because we want the employee to do a broader scale when they’re creating their list. So, that’s the listing approach, and that would be a great thing for a manager to facilitate. And the more you involve the direct in creating this process, the better.

The second approach is called the core-question approach, and this is where, with your direct, you basically identify four or five core questions that form the foundation of the one-on-one. For example, “What obstacles are you experiencing and how can I help you?” So, you create these questions together, and then the direct has the ability to really guide the meeting in lots of different ways.

Now, in both of these approaches, there’s a few things to keep in mind. One is we don’t want these meetings to turn into a status update, fall into a status update trap where all we talk about is, “What’s going on in that project? What’s going on in that project? What’s going on in that project?” because that is not truly a meeting for the direct. So, therefore, we want to make sure that we rotate questions over time.

It might be the case that we even dedicate certain amounts of time each one of these one-on-ones for a longer horizon career-based discussion. That’s totally fine. So, we want to make sure we’re flexible. We want to ask good questions but we even want to think about the response options associated with them, and let me give you an example, and maybe this might also fall into your category of surprise.

So, a very common question is, “How are you?” Well, it sounds like a reasonably good question. Sadly, it doesn’t work. When you ask someone “How are you?” they typically have automatic responses, “I’m fine,” “Pretty good,” “Great.” It doesn’t really tell you much. But if we changed the response options, if we asked the individual, “I’m interested in how you are but I want you to let me know, on a scale from one to ten, with one being horrible, ten being great, how are you showing up today?”

Now, you get responses of fives, of sixes, of sevens. Now, you have something to work with. You can explore it. You can understand it. So, we need to think about these questions. We want to have really interesting, important, relevant questions that your direct is really strongly informing. And then it’s about good facilitation, good engagement, asking lots of questions, “Tell me more about this,” “What are your thoughts about it?” because we, ultimately, want to give the gift of communication to the direct.

But I will say this and then I’ll pause, is that it is hard. The research has shown that people talk a lot because it activates the same parts of the brain as good food. So, we talk a lot because it feels kind of good, and we need to give that gift to someone else, namely the direct, for this one-on-one to truly shine.

Pete Mockaitis

Great perspectives here. And I love it we jumped right into some very precise practices. Maybe take a step back. What should be our mindset, our underlying goal, our approach, like, “I am doing this one-on-one in order to blank. Therefore, I will do it in the following style or way”?

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

When rolling out one-on-ones, it’s really important to tie it to values, and we did this. If you ask managers about what they value, and you look at organization value statements, they are basically shouting one-on-ones. You invariably will see value such as helping others, supporting, leveraging team, all these things. Well, one-on-one is a manifestation of those values.

So, when you’re rolling this out to your folks, you want it to be about values, and that you are committed to their growth and their success, and you’re engaging in one-on-ones to basically live these values. And you’re going to be nimble, you’re going to keep changing these up based on their feedback, their ideas because you want them to have this large shaping influence for this to truly work.

And it’s constantly reminding yourself that this meeting is not for you. This is that one time where you are just fully focused on what’s on the mind of the directs. As a manager, you have power, you can meet with your direct anytime you want. You can send an email asking, “Hey, what’s going on with this project?” You can do that in an asynchronous document. There’s lots of mechanisms for you to have your needs met. This is just your mechanism to make sure their needs are being met.

And when we think about their needs, it’s not just their practical and tactical needs, but it’s their personal needs, the need to feel respected and trusted. These are fundamental kind of human needs. And when the one-on-one can address both of those sets of needs, then the direct leaves the one-on-one feeling pretty good. It doesn’t mean that they’re going to leave there with a big smile on their face because, who knows, maybe you talked about really hard stuff but at least they’ll feel truly seen.

Pete Mockaitis

Can you share, with these needs, is there a sort of taxonomy, or set of key categories, or top needs that should really be top of mind as we’re trying to deliver on these in the one-on-ones?

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

Love it. I provide a taxonomy in the book, and I lined up questions for each one of them, because you’re raising such a key issue. Really, the types of needs could be around the individual’s work, it could be the obstacles to their success. So, if we want to think about it as levels, so they have needs around their individual work, there could be needs around the team, there could be needs around the organization, better understanding organizational strategy, organizational priorities, organizational communications.

So, you have this individual, team, organization, and then you have the time horizon associated with each of them, they’re short term and long term. And in each of those boxes, that’s where you have those practical needs, and then underlying that are those personal needs, those psychological experience of the conversation. And those things together is really what a complete one-on-one is.

Now, with that said, you can’t do everything in these one-on-ones. You can only do so much. If your one-on-one is 20-25 minutes, which is okay if that’s what you need to do, we want quality over quantity. And if it turns out that the direct just wants to focus on one particular issue or one particular need, so be it. If that’s what’s on their mind, we want to go with it. We will remind them that, “Hey, I know you want to talk about some other things. It looks like we’re not going to get to them. Is that okay with you?”

So, again, we’re constantly signaling, “This is your meeting.” And because it’s their meeting, they can choose to spend as much time on any particular topic that they so desire.

Pete Mockaitis

Well, let’s shift gears for a moment, and let’s say you’re not the manager. You are the direct report who would like to have one-on-ones with more frequency, or you’re having the one-on-ones and they’re not hitting the mark. How do you recommend we show some initiative, some proactive shaping to get what we’re after here?

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

So, how I frame it in my content is really it takes two to tango, each party does have responsibilities. While the manager has the most responsibilities, the direct does, too. And in our research, we’ve identified 10 key behaviors that directs have, and we don’t have time to go into all of them but let me share a few.

So, first of all, you can’t get what you need unless you know what you need. And so, before that one-on-one, the direct actually has to really think, really, really think about what their challenges, issues, problems are, needs are. And that takes a little bit of thought. And so many times, directs go into these one-on-ones not doing that. And by doing so, they’re violating the spirit of the one-on-one, and the void, the gap will be filled but with managers’ needs. So, know what you need, that’s first.

Second, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Asking for help is critical to human success but the research generally shows that there’s two types of help-seeking behavior. There’s autonomous help-seeking behavior and dependent. Now, dependent help-seeking is really where you ask the other party to solve your problem. Autonomous help-seeking is really about acquiring information or insights so you can solve your problem yourself.

An autonomous help-seeking is associated with long-term success; dependent is not. So, when you go in there, you know what you need, you’re asking for help in an autonomous way, you’re getting ideas, you’re listening to feedback, you’re checking yourself to not be defensive, you’re engaging in really good rapport behaviors because, who knows, maybe your manager is not good at establishing rapport so you’re jumping in to make sure there is good rapport, and you’re expressing gratitude.

You might even offer help to your manager because one of the things we know about help behavior is when you offer help to other people, they tend to offer help back to you. So, the direct has an active role to making these things truly work. But in so many regards, the direct is going to look at the signals, the signals of what the manager is doing and not doing, and those signals are really going to drive how seriously they enter into that one-on-one.

Pete Mockaitis

All right. Steven, tell me, anything else critical you want to make sure to cover before we shift gears and hear about some of your favorite things?

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

I think there’s a few things that I’ll just kind of throw out there. One-on-ones are truly an essential activity, especially in a more distributive workforce. Everyone is craving feeling seen, and one-on-ones are the mechanism. I also want to put out there that one-on-ones are an investment of time that actually saves you time.

Namely, what has generally been found is that when you have these regular one-on-ones with your folks, you tend to get less spontaneous interruptions because people seem to save their issues. Furthermore, because one-on-ones elevate the direct’s performance, there’s less time spent on rework. Furthermore, because when one-on-ones are done well, employees are more engaged and they’re less likely to leave the organization.

So, the point being is that you have many managers who say, “I just don’t have time.” Well, the fact is this truly is going to make time. And one of the things I do in the book is I talk about other areas where you can drop activities to find time but this is just not one of them. This is a core activity of being a leader.

And then I want to say one other thing, which I think you might get a kick out of. The core elements of the book really lays out, it gives the manager choices. So, I’ve identified all these evidence-based techniques that can make these better, but I don’t prescribe. I don’t say, “Do A then B, then C,” because the science doesn’t align with that. This is also why I stress both the art and the science.

So, you know your values, you know your people, so you have choices, and you could take these choices and make them work for you. And there’s another interesting application of all this. One-on-ones could actually be done with your children. And I know that sounds crazy, and I’m not at all suggesting you have these rigid calendar holds with your kids, but the fact is a lot of the core elements of one-on-ones do apply to these familial relationships.

It’s so often that parents don’t actually truly talk to their child on the child’s terms, really exploring what’s on their minds, and just finding that dedicated space. And clinicians have been talking about this for a long time that when a parent does a lot of these same practices with their kids, it builds better relationships, more self-efficacy for them, and they thrive. So, I think that what’s cool about the book is that it’s not only good for your career, whether you’re a leader or a direct, but you can apply it to these other contexts.

Pete Mockaitis

You know, Steven, that’s powerful. And I recently asked my five-year-old son, “What do I do with you that makes you feel the most loved by me?” And he said, “When we have Dada-Johnny time, one-on-one.” And that’s powerful because it’s just like for the manager, it’s very easy to not do that in the midst of “This house is a mess, and there’s two other siblings crying out for attention.” So, it’s like you really got to conscientiously have to stop the world, and say, “No, this is what we’re doing right now.”

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

That’s right.

Pete Mockaitis

“And me and Johnny are chatting, and no one else is allowed in the room. That’s what we’re doing now.”

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

Oh, man, Pete, that is a beautiful story, by the way, and you just nailed it. That’s just a great example. It’s just as a young human to an old human, we all just want to feel seen. The thought of people taking an interest in us is so incredibly meaningful. And if we want to elevate work, people, teams, and humanity more broadly, we need to make time for these conversations.

Pete Mockaitis

Beautiful. Well, now could you share with us a favorite quote, something you find inspiring?

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

I like the quote, “Living well is the best revenge.”

Pete Mockaitis

All right. And a favorite book?

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

There’s this book, and I don’t know the author, it’s called Postmortal. And, basically, it’s this dystopian novel that gets to a point where all humans can live forever, assuming they don’t fall off a building. And what is so cool about it is it just talks about the implications of a society that doesn’t die. And, clearly, that’s not sustainable.

But, at the same time, when people don’t die, it creates great challenges to institutions that we kind of take for granted. For example, what’s marriage if you don’t die? So, I just really liked the story and I liked some of the more intellectual kind of dilemmas that it created.

Pete Mockaitis

All right. And, Steven, is there a particular quote that you share, a Steven original, that seems to really connect and resonate with folks?

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

It might be something around the notion of stewardship. So, this is something I talk about a lot, that the best meeting leaders recognize that they’re inherently a steward of others’ time.

Pete Mockaitis

And, Steven, do you have a final challenge or call to action for folks looking to be awesome at their jobs?

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

Make meaningful time available to those on your team, in your network, and do as much good as you can do, elevate as many lives as you can. And, ultimately, through both of those, the wonderful benefit is that you will thrive as well. And I always go back to one of the greatest predictors of life satisfaction is helping of others. And one-on-ones, that opportunity, sincerely and truly help others.

Pete Mockaitis

All right. Steven, thank you for this. I wish you many transformational one-on-ones.

Dr. Steven Rogelberg

Thank you very much. And, definitely, folks can check out my website, StevenRogelberg.com. I have a ton of resources there for people, lots of things, checklists that they can download. I obviously have links to the book. The neat thing is I just want to get this book out there. I’m donating all my royalties to the American Cancer Society, every penny of them. So, check out the book if you want to have transformative one-on-ones, or check out the book if you want to help eradicate cancer.