Category

Podcasts

How to be Awesome at Your Job Podcasts

1177: The Seven Shifts Needed to Drive Results and Create Connection with Dr. Michelle Johnston

By Podcasts No Comments

Dr. Michelle Johnston reveals the powerful shifts that help leaders reengage their teams.

You’ll Learn

  1. How to become the leader people want to follow
  2. The two words to cut from your vocabulary
  3. Three simple steps to reenergize any meeting

About Michelle

Dr. Michelle K. Johnston is a globally recognized executive coach, bestselling author, podcast host, and speaker who is challenging outdated leadership methods and championing connection-driven leadership. Her work has earned her recognition as an ABC News Remarkable Woman, a Top Ten Executive Coach, and a frequent contributor on NBC News. 

Michelle is also a distinguished professor at Loyola University New Orleans where she combines decades of research with real-world experience to challenge outdated leadership methods. Her message is timely in today’s AI-driven world: leaders that prioritize human connection will be the ones that attract, engage, and retain top talent while driving bottom-line results.

Resources Mentioned

Thank you, Sponsors!

  • Shopify. Start your free trial at Shopify.com/awesomepod
  • Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees!
  • Fitnexa. Get $10 off the SomniPods3 with the link and code AWESOME

Pete Mockaitis
Michelle, welcome!

Dr. Michelle Johnston
Oh, thank you, Pete. Thank you so much for having me on this awesome podcast.

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, thank you. Well, I’m excited to be chatting about some seismic shifts. Can you tell us, perhaps, an extra surprising and fascinating discovery you’ve made while putting this stuff together?

Dr. Michelle Johnston
Oh, wow. Okay. So I was just on a virtual call with an organization and their leadership team, and I told them that when I first started writing this book, The Seismic Shift in You of how to be a more connected leader, I thought that it was going to be all about connecting with everybody else.

And what I learned, at the end of the day, is you’re not good at connecting with anybody unless you first connect with yourself. And the most important who is you. So to be a connected leader, you really have to have strict boundaries and to be good to yourself. So that was the biggest seismic shift.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, that’s intriguing. Could you share with us a cool story of a client who experienced such a seismic shift?

Dr. Michelle Johnston
So, a perfect example, I’d been working with this executive for a technology company for years, and he would talk about how, out in Silicon Valley, which is where he lives, they would wear, as a badge of honor, the nine-nine-six. And I said, “What is nine-nine-six?” And he said, “We work from 9:00 until 9:00, six days a week, West Coast time.” I said, “Okay.” I said, “How is that working for you?” He goes, “Well, that’s just what you do.”

And so in our coaching sessions, we’d look at his calendar because he was exhausted and totally, totally burned out, and he wouldn’t have time for lunch, or at least he didn’t think he had time. He wouldn’t take lunch. He rarely made time to have dinner with his family. He didn’t get up and exercise or stretch.

And so he was connecting with everybody who wanted to connect with him, but he wasn’t connecting with himself and safeguarding his time. So it took him going to the doctor and the doctor saying, “You are going to die within 10 years. I’m looking at your lab results, unless you get up and you’re good to yourself and you start exercising, you start having meals with actual people,” because his whole job was remote.

He said, “You’re giving away everything, your health, your energy, your relationships, everything that matters to you for what?” So that’s a huge seismic shift. The Seismic Shift in You is about this big mindset shift that if we continue down this long path, this wrong path, of addiction to our phone, addiction to just dopamine hits, addiction to saying, “Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!” it’s going to come at such a great cost.

So we have to shift from the “What?” the “What?” the “What?” “Next,” “Next,” “Next,” “Next,” and we have to shift to the “Who?” And the most important who is you.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Yeah, well, that is a powerful story. And not this is a health or biology podcast, but my curiosity wondered, “Hmm, if one works a lot and has bad labs, and the doctor says, ‘You’re going to die within a decade if you keep doing that,’ what is the mechanism by which that happens? Is it just cholesterol and heart disease or heart attack?” Or, how does that go down?

Dr. Michelle Johnston
So he did not share his lab results with me. I guess, as I’m his executive coach, we, instead, then looked at his calendar and we talked about, “What changes can you make?” And so the first exercise I did with him is, I said, “Write down the most important people in your life, both personally and professionally.” And so he wrote down.

I said, “Okay, now take out your phone and look at your calendar. Are those people on your calendar?” And he said, “No.” I said, “Well, then we have to start there, because everyone else is getting a piece of you except for the most important people in your life.”

So after the first shift from “What?” to “What?” to “What?” and making sure that you’re shifting to “Who are the most important people in your life? Making sure that you prioritize them. They’re on your calendar.”

So, for example, professionally, your direct reports. So a lot of leaders say, “Oh, my direct reports, I love them. They’re so important to me. “Oh, they’ll pick up the telephone and call. I don’t have a regular meeting with them.”

Well, that’s not connection. And that’s assuming that they’re going to pick up the telephone and call. So direct reports, your team are some of the most important people in your life, professionally, so make sure you have a rhythm for them on the calendar.

Your children, right? Your family members. I know when I launched this book last November, I had a big connection launch here in New Orleans. And so about 100, no, 220 leaders showed up and it was a party, it was really fantastic.

So my family was was there as well. My dad, my brother. And after I talked about how, “If your family is one of the most important people, one of the most important things in your life on your list, and your family is not on your calendar, then make sure it’s on your calendar.”

So we went to dinner afterwards, and my 81-year-old dad is like, “Oh, my gosh, Michelle, we need to take a family beach trip together.” We realized we weren’t even on each other’s calendars. We didn’t have a regular cadence.

So what I do when I work with organizations, I work with teams, I work with leaders is, besides having them write down the most important people and looking at their calendar and seeing if those most important people are on the calendar, we create what I call a connection cadence.

So we take the most important people and making sure that you are at the top of the list because the most important who is you. So you and then your most important relationships, making sure that they’re embedded on your calendar and you have a rhythm so that you see your direct reports once a month in a face-to-face meeting.

You go on a family beach trip once a year and it’s on the calendar. And so it’s figuring out who your priorities are, embedding them on your calendar, and making sure you have a cadence or a rhythm so that you have these recurring interactions. And that, to me, is the definition of true connection.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, so that seems like a fabulous practice, well worth doing. Okay. And you’ve actually outlined seven necessary shifts. Could you give us the rundown in terms of, “So this is the shift and here’s the one-to-two-sentence definition of what that means?”

Dr. Michelle Johnston
Yes, so I’ll begin with why in the world did I even write this book, right? So The Seismic Shift in You, We had talked about before we started recording, Marshall Goldsmith. And Marshall Goldsmith is my co-author.

And so he and I were in London at the Top Thinkers 50 Award. And Marshall was getting the Lifetime Achievement Award, and we’re listening to all the speakers talk about, “How in the world do we compete with AI? How is AI going to redefine us as leaders? What do we need to do differently? How do we show up differently?”

And every single one of these top speakers in the world said, “We have to lean in with our humanity. And we’re going to have to focus more on relationships when it comes to how technology is taking over the world.”

And so Marshall and I looked at each other, I said, “Well, if that’s not a seismic shift,” because that’s what I do for a living, right? I write about seismic shifts. I said, “This is the biggest seismic shift we’re going to see in our lifetime.” I said, “We need to write a book about it.”

So I ran, I’m a professor at Loyola, and so I ran back to New Orleans, I ran over the Atlantic Ocean, right, back to New Orleans, asked for a year sabbatical to write this book. And when I visited Marshall, and we really started thinking, “What are the seven seismic shifts that are necessary?” here’s what they are.

So number one, I just talked about, shift number one is shift your mindset. It’s shift your perspective so that you’re not waking up every day looking at your phone thinking, “What, what? What? What? What? What?”

Because what Marshall and I found is a lot of those leaders who just focus on transaction, transaction, the next job, the next title, more this, more that, if they just focus on that, they get to the very top of their organizations and then they tell us they’re empty. And they look around and they say, “Why did I do all of that? I don’t feel fulfilled.”

And so when they feel empty, it’s typically because they haven’t focused on what really is meaningful, which are the relationships. So that first shift is from what to who, focus on relationships.

The second shift is in your priorities. Show me your calendar and I’ll show you your priorities. And it might make you really uncomfortable because the most important people in your life are not on your calendar. And you’re not on your calendar.

So that shift three is making sure that you embed those relationships in your calendar. So that when you show me your calendar, you’re like, “Look, the most important relationships, my team, my direct reports, my boss, my family, my friends, all of the people professionally and personally are on my calendar in a rhythm,” then you know that you’ve shifted your calendar.

And then that brings us to the fourth shift, which is shift your meetings. The way that we’re running meetings now, even when we’re in an actual physical office, most likely you’re on a virtual meeting and we’re finding that you end up a Zoom zombie at the end of the day. You’re totally empty.

You’re like, “Wait, but I had eight meetings today with people, why do I feel like a zombie? Why do I feel so empty?” because we are conducting these meetings like we’re in person, but we’re not in person. We’re just talking at people and we’re not creating intentional ways to connect.

So that fourth shift in meetings is I give you advice in the book of what you can do when you’re running your meetings, your virtual meetings, to build more connection so that people walk away and say, “I not only want to put my camera on, but I want to participate. I not only want to participate, but I really feel good about this team I’m working with,” and then you’re going to do a better job.

And so then the fifth shift is shift your conversations. What we’re finding is people are just, they’re tired of being talked at. They’re being talked at, talked at, talked at. We need to figure out how to lean in and have delicate conversations, have real conversations. “To be clear is to be kind.” That’s one of my favorite quotes from Brene Brown.

And one of the guys, you probably know him, Pete, Michael Bungay Stainier. And he wrote a book called How to Work with Almost Anybody. And I’m asking him, “So what’s the key? How do you work with almost anybody?” He said, “You need to begin every relationship you have, every project you have, with a keystone conversation.” I said, “What’s a keystone conversation?”

He said, “Well, you got to talk about, ‘What are you good at? What does success look like for us on this project or in this relationship? What are we going to do when conflict arises? How will I make sure that I don’t show up as my worst?’” He said, “That’s a keystone conversation.” So we talk about it in the book. We’re not leaning in as much as we need to as humans, having substantial or delicate keystone conversations.

The sixth shift is shift your language. Because each human is different, we tend to use words that erode connection, like, “He’s on the kill list. Put him on the kill list,” or, “You did a really great job, Pete, moderating this podcast, but…” So words like “but,” words like “kill,” words like “stupid,” words like, “I just need five minutes of your time,” or, “Don’t do that. That’s never going to work.”

These sorts of words that we choose, they create this reality that does not promote connection. So I talk about the words to use, rather than saying, “Pete, you did such a great hosting this podcast, but…” Say, “Pete, you did such a great job hosting this podcast. And I’m going to make recommendations of some of my other colleagues who would love to be on. They would be wonderful guests.”

So no “but” use an “and.” Rather than, “That’s never going to work,” or, “No,” say, “Next time, why don’t we look at other possibilities?” So it’s being really intentional with your language.

And then the final seventh shift is shift your energy because, as you know, hosting a podcast, you see people come on all the time, and the best guests have the best energy. So it’s being really aware of your energy and what you bring into each conversation, because even if we’re 5,000 miles apart virtually, energy is contagious.

And so people will turn off their camera and they’ll start multitasking and bring out their phone if the energy is not there and they think it’s a waste of time. So those are the seven seismic shifts to create better connection for better results.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, kudos. Yeah, nice little marathon there, done succinctly. And I hear the flow in terms of, piece by piece, it feels pretty sequential or chronological because, like, you can’t bring the language, the energy, the language, the conversations, the meetings until we’ve got the right people on the calendar in the meetings, you know, in terms of like I’m seeing how that unfolds.

And so, as you lay it out there, it feels very tidy and sensible, and I go, “Yes, that does seem like an optimal means by which we could have some good things flowing in terms of life and purpose and meaning and the humans in it.” What gets in the way?

Dr. Michelle Johnston
What gets in the way is when we just are reacting. When we wake up every day and we’re not intentional. We’re not intentional with making sure that our most important relationships are on our calendar, when we’re not intentional with our health, when we’re not intentional with our energies, with the energy that we bring.

When we’re not intentional with how we run meetings, when you just show up and you react and you’re like an ape, you know, what is it called? You’re in a pinball machine and you’re just bouncing all over the place. That’s what’s not effective.

And so we can’t keep doing what we’ve already done because it’s not going to be effective in this new work. So work is no longer a noun. It’s not necessarily a place we go. It actually is a verb. It’s how we show up, how we interact, how we connect. And we, as leaders, must be much more intentional about how we show up.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, I’d be curious to go a little bit deeper into language and energy. I saw Sam Horn was one of your endorsers on your book, and I believe she had some fun turns of phrase, “words to use” or “words to choose” and “words to lose.” In your experience, what are some of the key words you love to choose and the key words you’d love to lose?

Dr. Michelle Johnston
Yes, Sam was on my podcast as well, and I highlight her in the book.

I love how she talks about how important our language is and how our language creates our reality. And the words that we use sometimes, really, it kills our connection with somebody else.

If we’re a “no person,” right, if we’re a “never,” if we’re a “don’t,” that’s all so negative. And leaders, we need to establish and set a tone of possibility and inspire and set a vision. And so we really have to be a bit more positive in the words that we use.

So one of the things that she says is when you use the word just. So if I were to say, “Pete, I just need five minutes of your time,” which is what I would say before I worked with Sam. I thought “just” was fine, “I just need a minute.” “I’m just this,” “I’m just that.” She said that diminishes and that minimizes.

Another thing that you don’t want to do, and you’re going to love this. So I’m a professor at Loyola, and during our last election, I ran over, I had two hours, and I ran down to the Superdome to vote.

And I teach at 6:20 every Monday night, my MBA class. And I was like, “Well, I’ll play. I have two hours.” Well, I didn’t realize, I didn’t expect that it would take two hours. And so I was late to class.

And so class started at 6:20. At 6:40, I’m running into the classroom and I said, “I am so sorry. I’m so sorry I’m late. I’m sorry to keep you all waiting,” thinking that was the right thing to do because I did keep them waiting, and I was late.

And one of my MBA students, a female, actually got up, it was presentation night, and she made a presentation, and she was talking about language that gives away our power. And she said, “Dr. Johnston, you didn’t have to say, ‘I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.’ Instead, say, ‘Thank you so much for waiting for me. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for understanding. The line was wrapped around twice around the Superdome. Thank you.’”

She said, “Rather than diminishing your power,” she said, “that sets you up for success.” So rather than saying “just,” rather than saying “but,” rather than saying “no,” “never,” and “I’m sorry,” you want to choose language that escalates and that elevates connection.

Pete Mockaitis
Yes, I hear that. And the “just,” it doesn’t seem to provide any benefits.

Dr. Michelle Johnston
Correct. It’s a filler word and it diminishes, it minimizes. You’re like, “Well, why do you just need five minutes of my time, Michelle? Am I not worth more of your time?”

Pete Mockaitis
Well, yeah. Or, I’m thinking, “You just need five minutes of my time?” It’s like, “Do you believe that five minutes of my time is not something valuable?” So it’s diminished with a “just.”

Dr. Michelle Johnston
Right, exactly. Exactly. Totally. That’s exactly right. And I never thought of it like that. I never thought that saying “I’m sorry” was a negative. I never thought using “just”… Do you know who really taught me about “but” and not to use the word “but” is Marshall Goldsmith.

So when I was being vetted for the 100 Coaches, I flew out to La Jolla, which is where he lived before moving to Nashville. And it was in the middle of various strains of COVID. And so we walked along the Pacific Ocean, and he just wanted to get to know me. And I just said the word “just.” He wanted to get to know me.

And so he first asked, “Well, tell me about yourself.” So I began with my professional accomplishments. I’ve been at Loyola for over 25 years. I’m a full professor. At that point, I had just finished my first book. And so I was talking about my professional accomplishments.

And he said, “Oh, well done.” He said, “Personally?” I said, “Personally,” I said, “But, personally, God, I didn’t think that I would be a single mom.” And he stopped me in his tracks, in my tracks, and he did this thing that he does to all of his clients. And he goes, “Nah, nah, nah.” And he actually charges his clients $10 anytime they use the word “no” or “but.”

He did not charge me. Instead, he stopped me in my tracks, and he went, “Nah, nah, nah.” I said, “I thought I was just being honest.” Again, I just said “just,” “I thought I was being honest. That’s why I shared that.” He goes, “Try again. And there’s no reason for you to use the word ‘but.’ You’ve had all of these accomplishments and you’re a single mom. And you’re doing the best you can. So let’s try that again.”

So I had to go through it again, “Professionally I’ve done all these things and I’m a single mom. I’ve got this 20-year-old. She was about to go to the University of Georgia, and I’m so proud of her.”

He said the language you use shapes your reality and it affects how others feel about you. Don’t play the victim, “Oh, you know, I never thought I’d be a single mom.” He’s like, “Look, you’re raising a great kid.” So changing that word from “but” to “and” is something that is so important.

Pete Mockaitis
I’m right with you there. I’m also quite the advocate for losing the word “obviously.”

Dr. Michelle Johnston
Oh, that’s a good one.

Pete Mockaitis
It doesn’t give you anything good. It might be neutral and it might be quite negative. And I read “obviously” as, “If you didn’t know this, you’re an idiot.” So it’s like, “Oh, it’s only hostile,” or people just disregard it entirely.

And so you might come away with a zero, you might come away with a negative, but you’re not going to come away with a positive, like, “Ooh, that person is so smart. This is obvious to them. Wow!” That never happens. Okay.

Dr. Michelle Johnston
Great addition. Great addition to the list. You’re right, “obviously” is not a positive addition to any sentence. It’s not. Well done.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, let’s hear about energy. How do we shift it?

Dr. Michelle Johnston

So I think a lot of leaders are burned out. That’s what I’m hearing, and, particularly, when they’re in charge of meeting after meeting after meeting. And so one of the ways that I tell them to shift their energy is if they’re feeling, at the end of the day, completely wiped out having to run all the meetings, “Why don’t you share the responsibility of running these meetings because that’s a great opportunity to develop your people?”

So, for example, if you meet with your team for a virtual meeting every Monday from 2:00 until 3:00, why don’t you, as the leader of the team, take the first Monday of the month so that you can set the vision, you can set the priorities, share the agenda and just kind of the the cadence of how the meeting is going to run?

And then maybe the second Monday you ask somebody else on your team to run it, and then they can be in charge of the agenda and the priorities. And that’s a way to develop your people. So that’s the first thing.

The second thing is begin with a connection question. So, typically, if you hop on a call and you just start talking at people, the energy goes down because you didn’t give them any chance to be a part of the conversation. You’re just talking at people, and that’s when people switch off their cameras and start multitasking.

So in order to keep the energy high, people want to be seen. To me, the definition of connection is five things. Connection is, “Are you seeing your people, making sure that they feel seen, heard, valued, respected, and appreciated?” You, typically, can hit on all five of those cylinders just by beginning with a connection question.

So in your weekly team meetings, just say, “Hey, I’m interested. And how are you all doing? On a scale of one to 10. Let’s go around.” Pete, on a scale of one to 10, how are you doing personally? How is your day going?

Pete Mockaitis
I’m doing a 9.3, Michelle. Thank you.

Dr. Michelle Johnston
A 9.3. Bravo! And you don’t have to go any deeper. I’m not advocating that any leader becomes anybody’s psychiatrist or therapist. I’m not advocating for oversharing at all. It’s just begin some sort of question that shows that, “Hey, I want to know how you’re doing.”

Especially, because in virtual, it’s hard to do that. You don’t have the coffee, you don’t have the water cooler, you’re not walking to the meeting together. You’re just, all of a sudden, popping into this virtual room. So just say, “Let’s go around.”

And that’s a way that your team feels that they’re a part of it. And then if you have a really big team, say you’ve got 50 people, 100 people, one of the ways to promote more energy in these meetings is use the breakout room. Do you use breakout rooms? I try to use them. I love them.

So whenever I’m teaching online, I’ll say, “Okay, here’s the topic. We’re talking about creativity and how to be innovative and share ideas. I’m going to put you all into breakout rooms of three people. I’m going to give you 10 minutes and I want you to generate as many ideas as you can of how to solve the housing crisis on campus,” say, if I’m working with students.

And so that gives them a way to actually share their opinion in a smaller group. It increases and improves their energy, right, because they actually have to participate. And then we come back into the big call, and then there’s a spokesperson and we do shout-outs, right?

So the goal is, in order to increase energy on these virtual calls, is you really want to be intentional with connection. You want to ask connection exercises. You want to put people in smaller breakout rooms where they can speak, their voices are heard.

And then, at the very end, one of the things that you can do is end your meetings with a shout out, like, “Who needs to be shouted out today?” or, “Who needs a shout out?” or , “What sort of gratitude or appreciation?”

We’re just not really taking time to celebrate wins, to celebrate, to show appreciation, to share gratitude. And if we, I believe that if we keep showing up more intentionally and trying to build more ways to connect with each other as humans, then the energy is going to be better in your organization.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Thank you. Well, Michelle, tell us, any top do’s and don’ts you want to make sure we lock in before we hear about some of your favorite things?

Dr. Michelle Johnston
I would strongly encourage you on these virtual calls to ask for people to turn their camera on and turn their phones off and try to be present. That’s definitely a do. You want to model the way, right? You want to ask or share your expectations of what you have for your people.

You want to recognize that if you’re having a bad day and your energy isn’t that good, you might just begin the call and say, “We’re going to go around, on a scale of one to 10, because I want to know how you’re doing.” And then you always answer, too, and you be honest.

So another do is be honest as a leader and say, “I’m having a really tough day. My dog is in the hospital. That’s like, I got this dog during COVID. This is my best friend, right? And this is just so, if I’m not on my A game, I just wanted you to know why.”

So being real, showing up real, being honest, sharing that, leaning in with connection, creating more space for connection, that’s where you’re really going to get these seismic shifts that we’re looking for.

Here’s what I don’t want you to do. Act like a jerk boss. I don’t want you to be a military drill sergeant. I don’t want you just to talk at people all day and not make them feel seen, heard, valued, respected, and appreciated, right? I don’t want you to have this toxic culture of fear where people are scared to speak up and give their ideas.

So, again, the opposite of jerk boss, drill sergeant, culture of fear, is to be super intentional by creating connection during your meetings, during your conversations, with the language you use, the language you lose, and then the energy that you bring when you show up.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. Well, now, Michelle, could you share with us a favorite quote, something you find inspiring?

Dr. Michelle Johnston
Stephen Covey, the most important part of communication is how somebody interprets what you say. So the quote goes something like, “The only message that counts is the one that’s received.”

And in this land of, in this era of text messages where tone gets misinterpreted, you can’t just assume that you’ve communicated effectively. So think about “The only message that counts is the one that’s received.”

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And could you share a favorite study or experiment or bit of research?

Dr. Michelle Johnston
I think the Hawthorne effect was something that I held on to when I was getting my PhD at LSU, and the Hawthorne effect was at the GE facility in the early 1900s. They really wanted to look at efficiency and they wanted to figure out the most efficient factories.

And they found that when researchers went to the Hawthorne facility and paid attention to the employees, their efficiency went up. So it really had nothing to do with what standards and procedures they were putting in place. It had to do with, “I’m being paid attention to and so I’m going to work harder.”

And so that really was the foundation of all of this research that I’ve been doing throughout my 25 years as a professor is, as a leader, you’ve got to pay attention to your people.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And a favorite book?

Dr. Michelle Johnston
One of my favorite books recently is by Garry Ridge, and it’s in my stack over here. And it’s Any Dumb-Ass Can Do It.

And Garry Ridge was the CEO of WD40. He did a phenomenal job as the CEO for 25 years at WD40, and he was a truly connected leader. And so when he retired and left them in great shape, he wrote a book called Any Dumb-Ass Can Do It, explaining how you need to be a people-first leader.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And a favorite habit?

Dr. Michelle Johnston
Asking other people about themselves.

Pete Mockaitis
Do you have any favorite ways you do that?

Dr. Michelle Johnston

Yeah, you got to stop talking about yourself.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And is there a key nugget you share that really seems to connect and resonate with folks, they quote it back to you often?

Dr. Michelle Johnston
Yeah, I’ve been so honored to be on NBC News twice talking about connection with Kate Snow and Vicky Nguyen. And it was the quote when I said, “Okay, y’all, pull out your phones, show me your calendar, and I will show you your priorities. And it might make you really uncomfortable.”

And you should have seen the look on their faces, and they both said, “Oh, my gosh, I need to do things differently because I’m not prioritizing the most important people in my life.”

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And if folks want to learn more or get in touch, where would you point them?

Dr. Michelle Johnston
My website, MichelleKJohnston.com. Please holler at me and stay in touch. Connect with me. I want to hear from you what’s working, what’s not working. And let’s build better connection for better results.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And do you have a final challenge or call to action for folks looking to be awesome at their jobs?

Dr. Michelle Johnston
Begin your meetings showing your people that you care about them.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. Michelle, thank you.

Dr. Michelle Johnston
Thank you so much. Thank you, Pete.

1176: How to Stay Effective Amidst Chaos with Melissa Swift

By Podcasts No Comments

Melissa Swift shares strategies for navigating the chaos of the modern workplace more effectively.

You’ll Learn

  1. The four trends making work feel more intense and chaotic
  2. How to hone in on what makes you effective
  3. Two critical questions to ask in the face of chaos

About Melissa

Melissa Swift is a leading voice on how organizations, teams, and individuals can succeed in an ever-more challenging world of work. As founder and CEO of Anthrome Insight, she is a practicing consultant and keynote speaker. She has held consulting leadership roles at Capgemini, Mercer, Korn Ferry, and Deloitte. She is also the author of Work Here Now: Think Like a Human and Build a Powerhouse Workplace (Wiley, 2023).

Her quarterly columns in MIT Sloan Management Review often rank among their most-read articles. Swift speaks regularly at events, including the MIT CIO Symposium, and has been quoted on the subject in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, NPR, Newsweek, The Economist, The Washington Post, Axios, and more.

Throughout her career, Swift has pioneered techniques to reshape organizations for digital and workforce transformation, leading breakthrough projects across industries ranging from manufacturing to professional services to biotech to consumer goods. She earned her B.A. from Harvard University and her MBA from Columbia Business School.

Resources Mentioned

Thank you, Sponsors!

  • Shopify. Start your free trial at Shopify.com/awesomepod
  • Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees!
  • Fitnexa. Get $10 off the SomniPods3 with the link and code AWESOME

Pete Mockaitis
Melissa, welcome!

Melissa Swift
It’s great to be here.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, I’m excited to talk about “Effective: How to Do Great Work,” you know, being awesome at your job, being effective at your job are kind of similar, and we could debate the distinction. But could you maybe kick us off with a definition of effectiveness here?

Melissa Swift
Yeah, so I think effectiveness is getting done the things you really need to get done. There’s a ton of literature on kind of productivity that you can do all the things. And I don’t think effectiveness is about doing all the things. It’s about doing the things you really want to do to the standard you really want to do them and to the standard that others are happy with as well.

Pete Mockaitis
And I guess I would imagine there’s also, perhaps, a dimension of, in a way, that doesn’t leave you bitter, burnt out, exhausted, furious, frustrated.

Melissa Swift
Absolutely. Because if it takes all of your energy to be effective for this period of time, what about the rest of the time?

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, so I’m eager to get into the particulars of the how this is done. But could you perhaps kick us off with a cool story of someone who thoughtfully applied some of your insights and really cranked up their effectiveness?

Melissa Swift

So one story that I absolutely love, that, actually, I talk about in the book is the CIO of a company called Ferrovial. They’re doing the, I don’t know if you’ve flown through JFK Airport in last, you know, a year, a couple years, right, but there’s this massive renovation of JFK going on. And Ferrovial’s doing it.

And Dimitrius Bountolos, who’s the CIO of Ferrovial, one of kind of sort of his key pillars for dealing with chaos, which is a topic I talk about in the book, and I talk about the strategy, is this idea of, “What activities do you need to protect in a chaotic environment, right? What can you let go and what must you absolutely protect?”

So, you know, for instance, right, it’s been getting fairly hot here in New York in the summers, one activity they need to protect is they absolutely have to make sure, they’ve got like little mini data centers running as part of this massive renovation project, they have to make sure the air conditioning stays on.

And I love that simplicity and clarity of, “Okay, crazy environment, 20 zillion things going on, large-scale capital project at a live airport, and you know what we need to do? Air conditioning.” That level of focus and that level of clarity, I think, is really powerful.

And that’s what’s enabled them to keep the lights on during, again, a project at a complexity and at a level of stakes that, I think, many of us would be very intimidated by.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, yes, I was intimidated just imagining, beginning such a process or program.

Melissa Swift

Exactly.

Pete Mockaitis

And that is a key thing, keep the air conditioning going. I suppose what might be harder for some is identifying, “Well, what can they really let go of?” “Yes, we have to have the air conditioning and the catering and the hydration station,” you know? So do you have any pro tips for how folks think through, well, what can they let go?

Melissa Swift
I think this is a good kind of role for scenario planning, to be honest, you start to just think about it, like, “Okay, that’s critical, that’s critical, that’s critical.” Okay, well, scenario plan it out.

Let’s say you let this piece drop. What’s going to happen? What might happen? What is not just what you think is going to happen, but what are a few different scenarios that might happen? If you really pressure-test all of this stuff, you might say, “Well, okay, if I don’t do that initiative, oh, my gosh, this very senior person is going to get angry at me.”

Or, scenario two, they might not notice. Or, scenario three, somebody else might notice that you appropriately prioritized the task they were advocating for, etc. So just doing that kind of pressure-testing on different scenarios of how things might play out, I think, sometimes helps us, like, overcome our anxious mind.

Pete Mockaitis
Certainly. So the scenarios you’re imagining are, “If this element just disappeared, got no love attention whatsoever, what are the consequences?” And sometimes you see, “Well, the consequences are absolutely catastrophic,” versus the consequences are, “Oh, someone is a little bit miffed.” It’s like, “Hmm, okay, well, that one is much more severe than the other.”

Melissa Swift
Absolutely. And our psychology plays tricks on us, right, especially if, you know, I talk about people having kind of different things that might make them effective, in the book. So if the thing that makes you effective is dealing with people, you might intuitively have this response about, “Oh, gosh, I cannot get people mad at me, right, because my human connections are so important.”

But you have to be able to take that step back and say, “Well, what are the actual other scenarios, and might there be some where it’s not just about people feeling bad, it’s like there are concrete bad events that might result?”

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, I think that’s great in terms of we go from the general to the specific. And I, too, really like my relationships and good agreeableness. And every once in a while, though, I encounter a situation where it’s like, “You know what? Even if this relationship were utterly destroyed in the course of this series of conversations, I would be okay with that if I got what I want. And even if they were to scream that they hate me every time my name is uttered in their presence.”

Now this is, again, is scenario planning. It’s extreme. I don’t think this has ever happened to anybody, and rare, but it’s good to take that stock of, in this particular circumstance, perhaps the people relationship-y matters are not the number one consideration.

Melissa Swift
Yeah, absolutely.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, so you’ve got four areas, and before we sort of tick into each of them, could you share with us kind of your big message of Effective? How do we do great work in a fast changing world?

Melissa Swift
I think it’s two things. I think, number one, understand what makes you good at your job. And those are the four things that we’ll get into in a second. But this fundamental thing of, “What actually makes me decent at the work I do?” I think it’s gotten really lost in our contemporary context that it’s all like, “You must have these 20 emerging skills and these 17 things,” and it’s exhausting, it’s overwhelming. It’s like, “No, basic, basic stuff. What makes you good at your job?”

And then, number two, I think you need to know what you’re up against in contemporary working contexts and just have some plans, have some strategies. So I talk about chaos, which we already spoke about.

Hyper transparency is an interesting one. There’s all this information floating around organizations and like, “What do you do?” Work intensification. Work has simply gotten more overloaded in recent years. And then also work has gotten very emotional as well. And I hear a lot from people who are really grappling with that.

And so if you know, “Okay, this is kind of the current set of stuff we’re up against,” and you know what makes you good at your job, a lot of the battle is fought, you know? It’s not everything, but day to day, you’re kind of like, “All right, this is what I got to amplify, and this is what I’ve got to combat.”

Pete Mockaitis
Well said in terms of fast-changing world chaos, yeah. And not to be the introduction to every business book ever, “But today, everything is different and it’s so hard.” And so, yeah, I mean, there’s certainly truth to that with new technologies and AI and yada, yada. Tell me about work becoming more emotional in recent times. What’s this about?

Melissa Swift
This is an interesting one. I think some of it is, and a big theme of the book, honestly, is that, I think work goes through cycles and we’re just at kind of like a tricky point in a cycle right now. And a lot of it relates to technology, and this is a good and a bad thing, you know?

And the good part is we have these amazing technologies and they, like, save people’s lives and they enable us to do all these incredible things, but technology, also, is gumming up the works in certain ways.

And a big part of where it’s gummed up the works is kind of in the communication realm. I mean, I quote some crazy stats in the book that something like 85% of emails contain some form of misunderstanding or miscommunication. And that’s nutty. That’s just absolutely cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

But what happens when we have all this sort of weird electronically intermediated communication, the emails and the Teams chats and the texts and the pings, and a lot of crossed wires and misunderstanding is it ends up, there’s this weird paradoxical thing where all of this flat electronic communication, people get really stirred up and emotional.

And then you combine that with, again, some stuff, like the world is at a weird cycle point, too. You know, we’ve got a lot of sort of political polarization, a lot of geopolitical conflict, a lot of, you know, again, the environment is going through kind of a weird moment by certain measures, we’re at a moment equivalent to like the late ‘60s or something. There’s a lot going on.

And put those two trends together, and you’ve just got these very emotionally stirred up workplaces. And it absolutely takes a toll on people. I mean, again, this is one I just hear about a lot. And I think it’s worth consciously taking a step back and saying, “Okay, well, I do feel like I walk into an emotional house on fire every day. What am I going to do about that?”

Pete Mockaitis
Well, tell us, what do we do about that and doing great work, in general, in this chaos?

Melissa Swift
So, number one, part of what we need to do to kind of minimize, like, the emotional load in the workplace is very, very simple. I interviewed a professor from UVA, Jim Detert, who’s an absolute guru to me, and he studies civility in the workplace, how we actually get along in sensible ways.

And one of the things he said was, by the time somebody’s upset or yelling or emotional or crying, they’ve usually tried to express that message before in a quiet and calm fashion. And you know what happened? When they did that originally, is nobody listened.

So if we can do a better job at listening to and picking up on even messages we don’t love to hear, right, or bad news, disconcerting stuff, stuff that you might want to brush away, that minimizes the number of people who will, then, end up coming to you really emotionally stirred up.

Again, it doesn’t solve for everything, but I think there are some of these little tips and tricks that if we took a step back, and the first time somebody tries to deliver a message, really heard them and said, “Okay, I hear you. I’m going to do X, Y, and Z,” didn’t dismiss them, then we get hit with those emotional aftershocks a lot less.

Pete Mockaitis
Yes, okay. That’s great for the emotional side of things, is if we are proactively listening hard, we are less likely to encounter subsequent blow-ups. That makes sense. Can you share with us the overarching approach you recommend for being effective in the fast-changing world?

Melissa Swift
So, number one, know your job. And it sounds silly, you know, okay? When you signed up whenever that was five minutes ago, five years ago, fifty years ago, you know, you got a job description. Those job descriptions, A, are usually not that fabulous in the way they’re written.

But, number two, they change in real life, in real time. And, again, especially with a lot of technological change in the equation a lot. And then you get things like mergers and acquisitions, company restructurings, re-orgs. Our jobs change.

So, number one, take a second and think through your job from the point of view of all the different people who encounter it. So what does your boss think your job is? What does your customer think your job is? If there are people who are your peers, what do they think your job is?

Are there people who are doing the same job as you completely differently? Which happens a ton, especially in large organizations, but honestly in every organization. So, number one, do some thinking about what your job is.

Number two, what makes you good at your job? So is it knowledge, right? Do you just have this amazing kind of storehouse of facts and insights in your head? Is it methods? Are you like a great operator? Are you just great at operationally putting all this stuff together and getting things done?

Are you great at relating to people, right? Are you good at managing people and navigating stakeholders, all that stuff? Or are you great with technology? And, you know, most of us are some combination of those four things, but you know, we pretty much all have one kind of bigger spike.

So once you know, “Okay, this is my job, this is what makes me good at it,” and then those four forces we talked about, the chaos and the emotion, blah, blah, blah, “What is potentially impeding my effectiveness?” And again, different workplaces, some workplaces might be very high on chaos. Some workplaces, honestly, hyper transparency might be more of a struggle.

And then you get effects between those, that sometimes hyper-transparency, if everyone talks about everything all the time and nobody knows the quality of each other’s information, that can cause chaos, for instance, but it’s kind of that multi-step.

And then, finally, the sort of the fourth step that I talk about in the book is there may be times when you cannot be effective at your job, and then you have to figure out what to do from there. And there are a zillion pathways there, starting with, talk to your boss about how your vision of your job might differ from theirs.

Talk to a mentor. Seek out other roles in the same organization. There’s a lot of different non-dramatic ways that, if your job is truly one you cannot be effective in, and I’ve list a whole set of criteria for that, that you can kind of change the game there.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, thank you. There’s so much goodness here. I’m intrigued by the notion of what makes you good at your job. And you’ve proposed four elements. I’m imagining, in so far as you have the, assuming, equal levels of enthusiasm, drive, motivation, hustle, like hours to pour into something, assuming that those are constant, you know, between two different people, yeah, I mean, it feels pretty good with regard to, “These are the four superstructure, macro categories by which we could be effective or ineffective.”

And I think, maybe, individual people come to mind with regard to, “Well, that person has high knowledge, they’ve got low knowledge. They’ve got high-people ability, they got low-people ability.” So could you elaborate upon, for a sentence or two or three, each of these elements what precisely do you mean by it? Like, how is knowledge different than methods, for example?

Melissa Swift
So knowledge, it’s really about the stuff behind the stuff. So I’ll use a concrete example, right? So you could have two chefs, and one has got this incredible knowledge of, like, the chemistry behind cooking, right, like molecular gastronomy and oil’s boiling points and stuff like that, right?

Another one is just really good at kind of intuitively figuring out when things need to sort of like shift off the burner, how to do kind of the mise en place, so like the timing is right. It’s all of these kind of very, like, operational elements. And they could both be great chefs, but their source of greatness is wildly different. And, oftentimes, great kitchens will have a mixture of those archetypes.

I quote in the book, I quote a scene from “The Breakfast Club” where it’s, I forget, it’s like the criminal guy and the nerdy guy. And they’re arguing, about the nerdy guy is complaining that he got an F in a shop class because his lamp wouldn’t, like, turn on, right? It’s the only bad grade he ever got, you know?

And so he’s explaining to, like, the criminal guy, he’s like, “Do you understand how much the theory of electricity and the trigonometry that, you know, blah, blah, blah goes behind, you know, that without all that, there would be no electricity?” And the criminal guy goes, “Well, without lamps, there would be no light.”

And those are kind of the two different archetypes, right, between knowledge and methods. The knowledge people understand the electricity and the atoms and all of that, and the methods people are good at making lamps, and you need both.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, while we’re talking about recipes, and I’m thinking about “Breaking Bad” as I often do, you know, and there’s one scene where – I won’t spoil it for anyone who hasn’t seen it, but it’s been a while for a while, I’d recommend it. It’s the best.

So our protagonist has deep, profound knowledge of chemistry, and he’s making meth. And then he thinks that he’s, like, irreplaceable because of his tremendous knowledge. And then this guy who’s just been watching them in the meth lab for a while just starts doing it. And he’s like, “It’s a recipe.”

So that’s what’s crystallizing for me – crystal, ha, ha – between knowledge, you know, Walter White versus method, “Hey, just follow the recipe,” that difference there. And, I guess, in some ways, to be effective or awesome, these things really do flow into each other. You know what I’m saying?

Like, your knowledge can be translated somewhat into methods, which can be transferred somewhat to people, and a portion of which could be transferred into software or technological incarnations of that. So there’s a bit of a fluidity interchange among them.

Melissa Swift
Absolutely. And some of it is, like, you don’t want to get too intellectualized about it. What I recommend in the book is, “How are people interfacing with you?”

So, for instance, there’s actually, this is hilarious because researchers have documented this. There’s a phenomenon of becoming the informal IT person for your office, right? You are not in the IT department, you are not the help desk, you are doing some totally other job, and you become the de facto IT person.

And it’s, oftentimes, in the research, they describe it as well, it’s like, you know, it’s that like Alaska, remote Alaska office, and there’s no one else. But it happens in a lot of, like, big complex offices, too, in far less remote locations. And so that’s when you got to say, take a step back, and say, “Okay, well, you know what? I might be good at technology.”

And it’s a funny one because, a lot of times, people will not describe themselves as being good at technology. And then you say, “Okay, well, have people ever treated you like IT support?” And they’re like, “Yeah, all the time. All day long, everyone’s bugging me, ‘How do you use this? How do you use that?’”

Well, you have some chops that you may not have given yourself credit for. And that’s why it’s important to kind of look at, “How is the world interfacing with you?”

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah. And I’m thinking that’s so true that, often, when it comes to strengths, we undervalue them just because they’re easy for us, it’s just like, “Well, I don’t know why everyone else is just such an idiot when it comes to their laptops?” It was like, “Hint. Hint. You have a strength, a gift, some talent in the zone of technology ability, and you didn’t even know it just because it seems pretty easy to you. You don’t even know if you would call it that.”

And what’s funny, I’m thinking about my buddy Kwame, who’s been on the podcast a couple of times, says, “I buy what Pete buys because I know Pete has done an outrageous amount of research on any purchase that he makes.”

And so it’s a joke, but he’s done it again and again and again. And so in that zone, I suppose it’s a bit of knowledge, it’s a bit of methods in terms of, my method is I obsessively research a thing in tremendous detail. And by doing so, I acquire knowledge and I say, “This is the thing I love.” And then Kwame just takes the shortcut, and says, “Okay, I’m buying it.”

Melissa Swift

That’s what my late father used to do that with ordering off the menu that I had. In general, I’m a knowledge person, but when it comes to menus, I’m very intuitive. I’m just, like, I can spot descriptions of things that are going to taste good. I don’t know, it’s in a different part of my brain.

But my dad used to just, yeah, whatever I would order, he would order the same thing. I think it was after, like, years of him just eating my food off my plate and me telling him, “You got to order your own thing,” and it evolved into that. But, yeah, same approach, right. The world is giving you feedback about something you’re doing well.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. So when we follow these broad steps, hey, we know our job and we know it, not just what the original job description said, but in terms of how our boss would describe it, how our peers would describe it, what it’s looking like right here and right now. I’m curious, do you have any pro tips on knowing better what your job is, if you have perhaps made some assumptions?

Melissa Swift
Yeah, so the interesting thing is the federal government actually maintains a database of all jobs called O*NET. And there’s, like, a certain fraction of, I’ll say O*NET to an audience and occasionally somebody will, like, sit up in their seat, right, because it’s a really cool database. It contains, basically, every job, you know, “What does this job do?”

So one thing you can do is go into O*NET and, literally, if you’re having one of those, “Am I losing my mind? I feel like this job is the weirdest version of this job possible,” you can actually look at, like, the government account of your job and say, “Okay, well, all right, this sounds nothing like that.”

I’m also a big fan of the talk to your peers, talk to the extent that you can do so without giving away trade secrets. Talk to your peers at other organizations. That can be very telling. Organizations can get super idiosyncratic about what it means to be a financial analyst or something that sounds completely generic.

Within a particular organization, they can end up with a strange version of that. So, again, don’t give away any trade secrets, but talk to people at other organizations. You can go back to the job description you were hired to.

Now, do I think that will be a useful conversation where you march into your boss’s office waving your job description? Like, no, of course not, but it can at least give you some language to say, “Okay, well, you know, is this aspect of the role being neglected or something like that?”

It’s just giving you, I think, the key thing is just have something to hold it up against. You need some alternate version of something to make the comparison, because that’s where we go wrong. We start to ruminate about, “Is this the right way to…oh, I just don’t even know.”

And the second you start comparing it, either you’ll say, “Okay, well, no, you know, the federal government, I don’t agree with this version of the job, right? I think the way my company does it is better.” Or, “OSomebody working for my competitor is working half the hours I’m working because they don’t have all this weird stuff loaded in, you know?”

But it gives you something to react to. Basically, you have to go out and find some account of your job, either through a person or in a documented way, to at least start just making comparisons. And to do that, by the way, you also have to be honest with yourself about what you do all day, which is something that many of us struggle with.

And to do that, you almost want to do your own little time and motion study, right? These are the famous, you know, from like the 1800s of like, “Okay, then the factory worker puts like the brick here,” or whatever. Just write down for a day what you do. Do that across a week.

I think many of us would be shocked, and there are some good effectiveness insights just from doing that, because you may say, “I thought my job was this, but actually, I’m spending my time on this, and I forget any other accounts of the job. I don’t think this is what I should be doing.”

Pete Mockaitis
Yes. Well, no, we love time diaries here. Laura Vanderkam has been on the show a couple of times talking about it, loving it. And so that’s good. So we had a really clear sense of what is the job, and I think within that, we want to get a sense of, thusly, “So what does good look like? And what does bad look like? And what does, like, okay look like in practice?”

Melissa Swift
Yeah, absolutely. And, again, separating that from our own emotional constructs around that, because I think sometimes what trips us up is the things that feel good to do aren’t necessarily the things that really hit outcomes properly.

So, for example, I think many folks in managerial roles, it feels good to overload yourself because you’re like, “I’m busy. I’m really busy. I’m doing all the things. I’m, like, in it to win it.” That feels good emotionally. I mean, of course, until it doesn’t, until you burn out, you’re exhausted, you can’t do anything. But until that point, right, to a lot of people that feels great, “I’m crushing it.”

Whereas, what would actually drive outcomes is to say, back to our discussion about, “What are the activities I absolutely must protect?” is to say, “Okay, well, you know, these three things are the core of what my next six months are about. And I’m just going to really lean into those. I’m going to let some other stuff drop.”

And you have to live through that moment of, “Ugh, that doesn’t intuitively feel good to me, but I’ve made this agreement with myself that these are the outcomes I’m seeking.”

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, that’s nice. Okay. Well, so in the midst of the fast-changing world, can you give us the quick rundown of work intensification, emotional inflection, hyper-transparency, sheer chaos? What’s the deal there? And what are your best tips on how we can keep our cool?

Melissa Swift
Well, I’ll start with work intensification because, probably, out of those terms, that’s one of the ones people will be less intuitively familiar with. Although, once I describe it, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.

So work intensification, there was a great study out of the EU a few years ago that defined it, and it defined it in three pillars. First pillar, too many tasks in too little time, right? We have all been there.

Second pillar, excess interdependence. And I love this one because I think it’s an addressable lever both for individuals and for the companies they work for. But we often don’t, we just sort of don’t think about it this way. This one was a big aha for me.

So interdependence is when you depend on too many other people to get any one thing done. And I did some research last year, and people actually feel more effective when they can work with a smaller circle of people on any given task. And sometimes that’s not always within your control. I don’t want to pretend that’s always within your control, but sometimes it is.

And it’s great to look for those opportunities where, if you set as your mental goal, “My goal is actually to work more independently,” which, again, that might feel weird or countercultural, or like we’ve all been beaten over the head to collaborate as much as you can.

You say, “Actually, I’m going to prioritize independent work because I know I’m already at a very high level of collaboration.” That can be really game-changing for that excess interdependence one.

And then the third pillar of work intensification, which I actually treat separately in the book because it’s got its own ball of wax, is just excess emotion at work. And that can show up a lot of different ways.

You could be at a tech company where teams regularly bicker with each other, or you could be a frontline worker in a healthcare environment where patients routinely yell at you, right? There’s a lot of different ways to be emotionally saturated. So that kind of covers those two.

I think chaos is fairly self-explanatory. In the book, I do talk about two types of chaos, that there’s just the natural chaos of the world, right, like, Komodo dragon exerts a breath and a volcano goes off halfway around the world, kind of stuff. That just is. That’s just a part of life.

And then there’s actually chaotic ways of operating, which you employ different strategies to defend against, right? So for the chaos of the world, you might say, “Okay, I’m going to figure out my activities to protect.”

When people are operating chaotically, you might say, “I actually need to protect my personal boundaries. So I’m going to do things like if I have a coworker who I know is totally chaotic, and meetings always go upside down with them. You know what? That coworker is no longer allowed to meet with me on Friday afternoons because I am emotionally exhausted at that point, I don’t have anything left to give. And, by the way, I need to, deal with family dinner at 5:30. So if the meeting goes on forever, right, that’s going to mess up my whole work-life integration.”

So that’s the chaos one. And then, finally, hyper-transparency is just an interesting consequence, again, of a more data and information-driven world. That if you think about it, if you were a CEO in 1955, a lot of how you sort of had control over your corporation was you had this giant information advantage. You knew so much that your workers didn’t know.

Today, not as much, that a lot of times, especially within a particular team, the workers on the team, like, will know more than our bosses know, because, you know, there’s 20 zillion data feeds coming in, 20 zillion dashboards, everyone’s on Teams pinging each other, everyone’s texting. We’re floating in information.

And, in general, a lot of that’s good. It’s good to have more information, except sometimes you learn things you didn’t want to know. So look at what’s happened with pay transparency, right, that you know, “Okay, oh, my gosh, they just posted for a job similar to mine, and the pay is twice what I make,” you know, things like that.

And so it’s emotionally tricky to live in a more transparent work world. You might find out things about your boss on social media. You don’t necessarily want to know all this stuff.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah. Well, no doubt there, it’s a tricky world and these things are happening. So tell us, what do we do about it?

Melissa Swift
Well, I think, for hyper-transparency, one of my big tips is just kind of be a fiend for the truth. And you can’t stay completely out of that information soup. It used to be, you know, it was like, “Well, I’ll stay out of office gossip.” And I would say, you know, to the extent possible, but also you might miss key information if you’re not communicating with people.

But being a little bit intense about, “Okay, you just told me something as if it was a fact. Where did you get your information from? Okay, where did that person get their information from, right? Is this written down anywhere?”

So just being a little bit obnoxious about whether the facts and data that are coming to you at work are actually facts and data, “Okay, well, look, this dashboard says you’re down 17%.” “Okay, well, what’s the source of that data?” I’ve been personally in situations.

I once had someone have to call me up and apologize and say, you know, “We just tried to hold you accountable for the entire performance of the Atlanta office, and you only have three team members there.” It’s like, “Okay, you know, fair enough. Thank you for that. But, you know, it was at the time in the meeting, it was, ‘This is the data, Melissa. What are you going to do about it?’” And I think we all have a lot of those moments.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, we can all see that. Okay, so when you say be a fiend for the truth, tell me more about that. Because at times, I find, for me as a super curious individual, that’s been suboptimal in moments of, for example, with the news.

I hear something that sounds not quite right. And, by golly, I’m going to get to the bottom of it. And I’ve done this many times. And so it’s like 40 minutes later, I feel like I have a deep, thorough, nuanced understanding of the matter.

But it’s like, “Wait, who cares? Why? Why did I invest that time in doing that?” So this, I’m a fiend for the truth at times indiscriminately, not a selective fiend. So tell us, how do we apply our truth fiend tendencies and how do we not?

Melissa Swift
I think some of it is just having kind of, if your standard basic question is, “Where did that information come from?” you know, a lot of times that’ll cover it, and you don’t have to, to your point, go down a 40-minute rabbit hole, you know?

Because the part of it is you’re trying to drown out some noise that organizations today, there’s the possibility to, like, really swirl on things because, again, of just the constant chatter that, if you’re in a group chat with dozens of people, which is not uncommon at this point in history, and people are constantly like coming at you with, “Ooh, this is going to happen, this is going to happen, and did you know this was going on?”

And some of it is you need to know what to just absolutely ignore and not think about again. And, to your point, save yourself some time with the rabbit hole. So just being able to pick your rabbit holes, you need kind of a screener question. And my screener question is always, “Where did that information come from?”

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, I like that a lot. And I’m finding that more and more. I am getting a bit more, shall I say, assertive in my decision-making even though no one else is around. I’m looking at, like, a headline or a YouTube title thumbnail, it’s like, “I definitively choose not to care about that at all. Next.”

Melissa Swift
Same. I do the same thing. I do the same thing, “I’m just going to scroll right on by that one, as triggering as it is.” But I think that’s what you have to do in that. Part of what what’s going on here is the world is designed to trigger us more.

And at work, we’re all kind of trying to get each other’s attention all the time, and we’re all trying to interrupt each other all the time. That’s one of the most interesting facets of, especially, modern knowledge work to me.

You don’t get this dynamic in a warehouse or a manufacturing plant. They’re not all trying to interrupt each other, right, because that would be actually physically dangerous. But in knowledge work, right, we are just constantly, “Ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, let me interrupt you. You interrupt me.”

And some of it is, in the book, I actually talk about, there’s an emergency room physician, Dr. Rebecca Parker, who I interviewed, and she talks about, she had to get good at being interrupted. That was an actual skill that she developed. And for her, it was just about knowing the points in a task when you can and can’t safely stop.

So if somebody interrupts her before she’s written down all the notes from the patient she just saw, she’s just like, “Nope! Whoop! Nope! Don’t talk to me yet,” finishes the notes, “Okay, now you can talk to me.”

And I love that because, you know, that’s sort of the nature of the modern workplace. And the more we have strategies like that, the more we can feel like we’re just in control of what’s happening with us.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, before we hear about some of your favorite things, could you give us your top most favorites, strategies, tactics, approaches that make a world of difference?

Melissa Swift
I think another strategy I really like, on the hyper-transparency front, is just being a bit simple about things. So think about a wall in your house. If it’s super minimalist, there’s one painting on it, it’s pretty easy to keep clean, right?

If you got shelves of knick-knacks, right, you’re dusting, you’re doing all this stuff, it’s the same with when transparency happens. So if you’ve got all this complex, weird stuff going on behind the scenes at work and you got all these little intrigues and office politics and you’re doing strange things, and then somebody finds out about it, because people find out about all kinds of stuff at this point in history, it’s a lot to explain.

So just having less to explain, I think, is a powerful strategy because it works well for hyper-transparency, but it also works well for chaos and work intensification and all that. Just being like sort of, “I’m going to Marie Kondo my work life.” That one, I just think, has a lot of power across a lot of situations.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Thank you. Well, now could you share a favorite quote, something you find inspiring?

Melissa Swift
So I’m not going to get it right verbatim, but there’s a quote from Dr. Richard Feynman, who is this illustrious physicist who was the part of the Manhattan Project, and he talks about the diabolical thing with computers. And remember, he’s talking about like punch card computers at this point, right? This is like mid-20th century type computers.

It’s like, “The diabolical thing about computers is you play with them, it’s intriguing with the ones and the zeros.” And what I like about that quote is he’s talking about enjoying technology, which is something we could stand to do more of at work.

And we would also just get a lot more done and be a lot more effective if we could get back to that place of, “I enjoy the technology I work with.”

Pete Mockaitis

Okay. And could you share a favorite study or experiment or bit of research?

Melissa Swift
There’s a study out of Germany that talks about different kinds of systems. So they talk about naturally occurring systems, and that’s, like, the water cycle, like actual things in nature. And those just work. They’re amazing.

And then they talk about engineered systems. Those are the systems that, you know, humans build, right, the interstate highway system, you know, something like that. And then they talk about, and this is very common in organizations, slipped systems. So you built the system to do this, but actually it’s kind of not doing that. It’s doing something else.

And so I always mash that up with the Stafford Beer systems thinking, you know, the purpose of a system is what it does, right? I think about how many organizations are dealing with slipped systems that, “Okay, performance management is supposed to operate this way and we’re all supposed to be doing this, but we end up doing this because it kind of pushed us in the wrong direction,” or something like that.

And I think it’s a great insight, again, to have as an individual is, “Okay, I’m dealing with a slipped system.” And that gives you that nice moment of awareness of, “I’m going to stop thinking that, like, I’m the problem in every possible way. And I’m going to start saying, ‘Okay, how do I better grapple with a system that’s not perfect?’”

Pete Mockaitis
And a favorite book?

Melissa Swift
I’m going to forget the author’s name, but The Warmth of Other Suns, which is about the Great Migration, and I love it because, in some ways, it’s about kind of individual worker agency because it completely reshaped the American economy. Completely. But it was a bunch of individuals saying, “I don’t like how I’m treated in this society. But a lot of times, I don’t like how I’m treated at my job. And I’m going to make changes that are going to make my life better.”

And, for me, that’s a big theme, and it doesn’t have to be that you leave that job and you move geographically. It can be really micro stuff, but having that moment of agency and saying, “I want my life at work to be different than it is exactly right now,” that’s awesome.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And if folks want to learn more or get in touch, where would you point them?

Melissa Swift
So you can find me on LinkedIn where I’m very active. You can find me at my company’s website, AnthromeInsight.com. I have a small presence on Instagram and a burgeoning presence on TikTok as well. But first line of contact, LinkedIn is always fabulous.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And do you have a final challenge or call to action for folks seeking to be awesome or effective at their jobs?

Melissa Swift
Figure out what you’re great at and lean in on that and ignore some of the rhetoric about kind of, like, “Oh, human workers are very endangered these days,” and just figure out what you’re amazing at and be in that space. That’s a great starting point for anyone.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. Melissa, thank you.

Melissa Swift
Thank you.

1175: Reclaiming Time through Effective Delegation to Humans and AI with Ari Meisel

By Podcasts 2 Comments

Ari Meisel shows you how to optimize, automate, and outsource your way into more time and freedom.

You’ll Learn

  1. How to build systems that don’t rely on you
  2. How to deploy AI agents to do work for you
  3. The rules of effective delegation

About Ari

Ari Meisel is a self-described, “Overwhelmologist” and founder of Less Doing. He helps entrepreneurs who have opportunity in excess of what their infrastructure can support, find focus, flexibility, and freedom in their business. His leadership skills, his coaching prowess, and his ability to inspire leaders to become more agile, have earned him the reputation as the preeminent Entrepreneurial Strategist. 

Resources Mentioned

Thank you, Sponsors!

Pete Mockaitis
Ari, welcome back!

Ari Meisel
Thanks, Pete. Good to see you.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, I’m excited to dig into your story and what you’ve been up to for the last seven years since your last appearance on How to be Awesome at Your Job. For starters, could you perhaps orient listeners who didn’t catch that one seven years ago, what is Less Doing and what’s that all about?

Ari Meisel

So Less Doing is the productivity methodology that I created, gosh, like 15 years ago now, and it is my company where I do productivity and business coaching for entrepreneurs, founders, executives, all over the world, and have been doing that for about a decade and a half now.

Pete Mockaitis

Yeah, beautiful. And so last time we talked about optimizing and automating and outsourcing. And so we’ll talk about some of that again with some new insights and tools and goodies. But, in your life, this notion of less doing took on a not just sort of a nice to have, but an absolutely critical must-do kind of a vibe. Can you tell us the story?

Ari Meisel
So when I got out of college, I was working in real estate development and construction, and built a big project in upstate New York. But I was really hands-on. I was working my butt off and not living a particularly healthy lifestyle and under a lot of stress, and ended up finding myself in quite a bit of debt when I was 23.

And I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. And Crohn’s is considered to be an incurable illness that affects the digestive tract. And I was able to overcome that illness and have been free of it for a long, long time now.

But the main constraint that I was faced with was I went from working 18-hour days to barely being able to get an hour of work done a given day. And that extreme restriction on my time is, honestly, what has led to everything that has come since then because, and it’s an exercise that I take people through, which is, “What would you do if you could only work an hour a day?”

And the question at that point, really, isn’t, “What would you do?” it’s, “What wouldn’t you do?” because if the things that you need to do have to get done by something or somebody, you’re going to have to figure that out so that that hour becomes a thing that only you can do.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, that’s powerful. And can you share with us, so you said you could only do one hour of work for those who are not as familiar with Crohn’s disease and its impact, like what would happen if you tried to push more than that?

Ari Meisel

So it was both a physical and, I’d say, a psychological barrier that I was dealing with because, first of all, any autoimmune disease, you’re, essentially, like at war with your own body, which is challenging in itself.

Crohn’s, again, it affects the digestive tracts. So not only is it difficult to eat and enjoy food and benefit from food, but there’s also like a nutrient deficiency thing that kind of happens because of it. And it just creates all sorts of problems.

So there was, literally, the physical weakness where there were days where I just didn’t even want to get out of bed. And then there were other days where, you’re diagnosed with a chronic and incurable illness, it’s like, “Well, what’s the point of doing any of this other stuff?” So it’s really challenging.

Pete Mockaitis
Absolutely. That’s brutal. So what did you do, precisely, in order to make work fit in an hour?

Ari Meisel
So, at the time, it was very different than things we can do now, of course, with AI. But the framework that I came up with was optimize, automate, outsource in that order. So we have to optimize and look at what we are actually doing and sort of do a bit of an audit, which sounds kind of basic, but most people just don’t do that.

The second step is, once we’ve done that, we look at automation. And, again, automation, the tools at our disposal have changed quite a bit over time, especially in the last year. But we automate what we can and then whatever that’s left over is the stuff that we give to a person that we might outsource or delegate to help with that, whether that’s a virtual assistant or a graphic designer or a coder or whatever it might be.

So it was really the sort of systematic approach to doing that, and that was the personal methodology, the Less Doing, More Living was what it was really called. And then over a few years, that morphed into a bit more of a business-focused methodology, which I would call the replaceable founder.

And the idea there is to make everybody in the business, including the founder, as replaceable as possible by creating systems and processes that stand in for the things that you do at a level that is not at your level of genius, essentially, everything else. And it, again, became this really systematic approach at making yourself more replaceable.

Pete Mockaitis

Okay. Well, could you walk us through some of those steps in terms of the questions, the prompts, the activities that you do when you are optimizing and automating and outsourcing, and maybe share some specific tasks that you, with the condition, ended up working through those three steps?

Ari Meisel
So I’ll give you an example that’s going to sound like a really weird one, but anybody who’s got a family, in addition to their work and their business, and kids might be able to appreciate this. So I have five kids, and I have five kids right now that are in different camps, and camp requires lots of forms to be filled out.

And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve encountered this where there’s entrepreneurs who are also parents and they feel like they have to be the one to fill out the form. Nobody else could possibly do that, “Oh, there are so many questions that I have to answer. And, also, like, it’s for my family, so I’m going to do it.” And there’s a lack of knowledge there and, first of all, in terms of like what actually could be done by somebody else. There’s also an ego thing and, like, a value thing, right?

And the problem with that is, if you’re working, and you’re efficient, you’re making money and you’re supporting your family, great, and then you come home and you have to spend an hour doing paperwork.

Like, there’s this weird stigma, it’s like, “Oh, I couldn’t outsource something like that. It’s personal. It’s for my family. And there’s also no ROI on it.” It’s like, well, there actually is because that hour is something that you could be doing with your family and having the human element there as opposed to sitting and filling out paperwork.

And I promise you, you’re not the best person on the planet to fill out paperwork. There are other people who can do that better than you. And now there’s, you know, AI agents that could do that as well or better.

So that, again, that sounds like a really trivial example, but you have things like that in business all the time where people feel like, “I have to be the one to do it. Nobody else could possibly check the boxes like I do.” And it sounds like I’m being facetious, but that is, literally, like the mindset.

I can’t tell you the number of companies I’ve dealt with where you have a COO of a multimillion dollar company booking travel for the CEO, because that’s the only person they trust to do it, right? Because you couldn’t possibly codify your seat preference and your, you know, the how many hours.

It’s true, though, and it’s crazy. Like, I actually just got off the phone with a client who runs an eight-figure company and he’s got a full-time executive assistant. He books his own travel. He’s got the apps on his phone. He just does it himself. And it’s like, “Okay, sure.” But it’s just so crazy. And that’s the one that comes up a lot.

And then you have the things where people have just been doing it a really long time, and they feel like the reason that they’re able to do it is because they know it better than anybody else. But if you know it that well, you should be able to teach it. It’s a really good sort of, you know, litmus test for how well you know something.

And if you can teach it, not only are you enabling yourself, you get to remove yourself as a bottleneck, but you’re doing something that a lot of people miss out on when they try to delegate something, which is empowerment.

A lot of delegation for people who do it is, “Here’s an annoying thing that I don’t want to deal with or I’m not good at, so I’m going to give it to somebody else who has less context, less information, and, at the same time, I’m expecting them to produce a superior result to what I was going to produce myself. So I’m literally just setting everybody up for failure and then I get to reinforce the idea that outsourcing and delegating doesn’t work for me.”

Pete Mockaitis
Well, I love that so much in terms of, one, getting over yourself. And we had Dave Kerpen on the show who talked about that concept, and has a book with a similar name, in terms of like, “No one could possibly do the camp forms or do the travel the way I like,” or there’s like a hang up, like, “Well, that’s just what a good dad or a good mom would do for their kids. They wouldn’t dream of outsourcing.”

And so you’re directly challenging these internal narratives, which I think is excellent, in terms of, “Well, no, if you took the time to really speak what it is you need in a seat…” because, in a way, I get it a little bit in terms of, like, when I’m choosing between three different flight options, there are trade-offs.

And how do I articulate to another person, “I’m willing to pay an extra $60 dollars if it means that I don’t have to hang with a two-hour layover. So what’s my layover minutes per dollar conversion rate?” Like, how do I algorithmically, contextually convey that? That’s kind of tricky. I don’t know. Ari, how do I do that?

Ari Meisel
So this is going to sound really reductivist, but a lot of times, people don’t convey the outcome that they’re trying to achieve.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay.

Ari Meisel
So I’ll give you a good example. Actually, it’s one of my favorite outsource, one of my favorite virtual assistant stories ever. I was going to Canada. I lived in New York at the time. I was going to Canada for the day to go to an event, that I had to be at the event, I think, at about 8:30 in the morning. And I go to this event somewhat regularly.

But I was sitting in the airport at 5:00 in the morning, or 5:15, whatever. And I get a text on my phone from my virtual assistants at the time that says, “Your flight is getting canceled, but we re-booked you on United Airways. Go over to gate B6.” And I’m like half awake. There’s a bunch of people around me. Nobody’s reacting or saying or doing anything. And I’m like looking around, “Okay.”

So I get up and I start walking, and I get about 100 feet away from the gate and they made the announcement that the flight was canceled and there was, like, pandemonium. And I just walked to the gate, got on the other flight.

And so the virtual assistants had booked the flight for me, and the outsource, what I had delegated was like, “I need to be there by, you know, 8:00 o’clock.” So because my flight got canceled, they didn’t stop and ask me, “Do you want to get on this seat or that?” No, they immediately, going with the goal, they re-booked me on a flight that would get me there and meet my requirements. And that was done.

So, that was amazing. That was like such an awesome experience. But, so, a lot of times we just say, “It’s like, oh, you know, update this spreadsheet with these 150 lines or, you know, sort this email.”  But we’re not conveying what the actual outcome is. Like, “Why are we doing this? What are we trying to achieve?”

And to some extent, yeah, sure, sometimes I just need something to get done and I can tell you that. But when there’s any variability and you need to create sort of this sandbox within which a person can feel like they have some autonomy and, actually, not even autonomy, agency to overcome problems and get to that outcome, people engage with that work much better, first of all, because, again, it’s empowering. It’s not just like sweeping crap under the rug.

But what’s really amazing is that, a lot of times, the people who are delegating, the leaders, don’t even have an idea consciously of what that outcome is. They’re just sort of going through the motions.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah. And with flights, you’re right, it’s, “So I want to appear no later than this time in this location, with the minimum amount of stress and fuss and headache and rush at a reasonable price point for the fare. That’s what I’m up to.” And I guess you can elaborate a little bit, “Here’s what I mean by reasonable. Here’s what I mean by fuss.” And then go at it.

And so, in your case, what I love about that is your delegation resulted in an outcome far better than you could have achieved on your own if you were like out of it in the morning, and then everyone else was in trouble because they didn’t get the memo quick enough because your folks were on top of it. They were watching it and they knew what you needed and, bam, that’s fantastic.

And I felt that in my own world with regard to, I’ve been reluctant to let go. And then when I did, I was like, “Oh, this is just so much better. I should have just done that earlier.” Very true.

Ari Meisel
Exactly. Yeah, and that’s truly the power of delegation, right? It’s really supposed to be a multiplier in that way when you do it correctly.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, okay. Well, let us know. So if someone is listening and they don’t want to fill out the camp forms, what’s the trick on this one, Ari?

Ari Meisel

Well, now it’s AI agents. So I’ve built an AI Chief of Staff framework that I share for free on my website, anybody can get it, that is based on my years and years of experience, not only working with hundreds of virtual assistants personally, but running my own VA company. And I really think this thing that I’ve built is better than any of the ones I’ve ever worked with.

And so, actually, I think it’s doing something right now. So this was another good story. So I was on a call yesterday, on a Zoom call, and a text message came in from camp and said, like, there was some waivers missing or something for two of my kids for some place they were going to go next week. And I saw it pop up, I was like, “Okay, whatever.” I got off the call about 20 minutes later and it was already taken care of.

So my iMessages are connected to my agent through a tool called BlueBubbles, and, basically, the agent saw the message and felt like an action needed to be taken, and it logged into the camp website, found the waivers, signed the waivers, which it had done before, so it wasn’t just going completely off the rails, like I had asked it to do that before, and then updated the camp with a text message back saying, like, “These waivers are done.” So that was all done before I even got off the call.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, that is stunning. Wow! Okay. So we just go to LessDoing.com and we can get ourselves Chief Staff Agent like this?

Ari Meisel
For that one, you go to LessDoing.ai.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, that’s wild. So many questions from that. It’s like, “How do I know it’s not going to go rogue and do something horrifically bad that I don’t want, that I can’t undo?” How do I do that?

Ari Meisel
And I’m not, like, gatekeeping here because it’s free, but there are actually, like, 18 foundational rules that I’ve developed that are in that AI Chief of Staff framework. So it’s actually not that hard to achieve. Everyone worries about, like, hallucinations, all this stuff.

One of the most basic things, there’s two really, really basic rules that I have for the AI agents, which, the fascinating thing about this for me is that you have all this stuff about like, “Oh, this is the 30-word prompt that’s going to turn your business into a billion-dollar company and, like, all these perfect prompts,” and it’s all total BS. There is no such thing as the perfect prompt. You need to have good structures and foundations in place, and then you don’t need prompts.

So, basically, two of those really important foundational rules, which are, well, so this is what I was going say. It’s not an AI skill. It’s delegation is the skill. It’s the same stuff I’ve been teaching forever. So two of those really important rules, which again, I would give these to a human also.

The first one is, anytime you do something, the next step is to verify that you did the thing that you were supposed to do. It sounds really silly, but most people, it’s like, “Have my AI send a whole bunch of emails.” And then the AI comes back and says, “I sent all the emails,” but it didn’t, or the emails were blank, or it wrote them but didn’t send them, or it sent them to the wrong address, you know, all these things.

So every single action that I have an AI agent do, the next step is now go, “You sent an email? Next step is go look in the sent messages and compare what was sent to what you were supposed to do. You’re supposed to put a Slack message? Now go read the Slack message. You’re supposed to write a document? Now go read the…” Again, it sounds basic, but people don’t do that.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, I think that, so people, when you give this duty to a human, I’d say people do it so automatically they don’t even realize that they’re doing it. Because I think about that with Slack, is like I type it, I push enter, you know, I do spend maybe a tenth of a second looking, “Oh, did that text show up in Slack such that it’s sent?”

Likewise, with my emails or attachment, “Did I attach the correct version to this email, and that’s the new updated, freshly saved version to this email? Oh, did this hyperlink that I pasted in, in fact, point to the URL I intended it to point to?” So, in a way, I think many of us are doing it so instantly, automatically, we forget that we are doing it.

Ari Meisel
Some of you are. I am not one of those people. I am not one of those people. Attention to detail is not one of my strong suits. And I’m aware of that. And that’s why I often hire for that when I would hire people. I’ll send it, and then I’ll move on to the next 16 things. And then someone is like, “Hey, you forgot the thing.” And I was like, “Oh, right. Okay.” So, yeah, you’re right.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, that’s great. Verify that you did the thing. Human or AI, verify that you did the thing. Cool. Next.

Ari Meisel
So that’s one. The other one is I do what’s called a nightly knowledge card. So you can do this kind of anywhere you want. It could be a Google Doc, it could be Notion, it could be Evernote. It doesn’t really matter. I use Trello just because I love Trello.

So every one of my agents, and I’ve got 32 active agents right now, every single night at 11:00 p.m., it updates a Trello card with a comment. And the comment is, “What you accomplished today, what automations ran, what blockers were encountered, what solutions were developed, and what is the plan for tomorrow,” every single night.

I have a couple agents that have been running nonstop for over 160 days now, and so there are over 160 comments on that card. So what that means is two things. One is it never, ever loses track because, every morning, it’s supposed to check that card and know where it’s off to.

So that’s first, like, that’s a very basic sort of cron job, you know, “Check your nightly knowledge card to see what you should be doing and where you’re at and compare that against the instructions that you already have.”

The other one is that, if I ever want to move to a different AI platform, agent platform, or I want to build that into another agent, or have a new agent spin up that’s based on another agent, that entire history is there. So it becomes really difficult, at that point, to sort of go off the rails. It’s not impossible, but it’s very difficult.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And so, we’ll drop by LessDoing.ai, but when you talk about an agent platform. For folks who just say, “I just know ChatGPT, I type some things, it’s like a better Google,” what do you even mean by an agent platform? Is that some software we go download or buy somewhere?

Ari Meisel
Yeah, so ChatGPT is an LLM, right, so that is a great resource for getting information, maybe compiling some documents, putting together an image or a presentation. It’s very much a push-pull, right, “I want something. You give me the thing.”

Agents are proactive, where it’s like, “Here’s the outcome. Here’s the goal. Now figure out and go do those things and run all day every day without having to bother me for things.” So a lot of the LLMs have agent platforms, but the most popular ones right now, I would say, are probably Claude Code and Hermes.

And the one that I use, which is Tasklet.ai. So Tasklet is a web-based platform. And, for example, you can take, if you go to that LessDoing.ai, you’re going to get a PDF with the whole framework of the whole Chief of Staff thing. You take that document, drop it into Tasklet and it will build it out for you and start asking you some questions of like, “Connect me to your GMail, and connect me to your calendar and let me get to work.”

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And you haven’t witnessed anything catastrophic happen to you or any of you the people you’ve hooked up to this?

Ari Meisel
Nothing.

Pete Mockaitis

Okay. Good news. All right. Well, that was a fun deep dive, a little treat. But zooming back out, optimizing, automating, outsourcing, so you’ve got two great rules that you shared with us with regard to when you’re delegating stuff to humans or robots. Any other powerful questions, guidelines, principles you’re using as you consider optimizing, automating, and outsourcing?

Ari Meisel
Yeah, so at a very fundamental level, sometimes we really need to ask why we do things the way that we do them, which again, sounds sort of basic, but they’re the most common answer to why in a business, you know, “Why do we use this accounting software? Why do we use this landscaper that mows the front lawn of our store? Why do we do anything?”

The answer most of the time is, “Well, that’s how we’ve always done it.” And that’s a really, really bad reason to keep doing something. Now, to be fair, a lot of smaller businesses, a lot of bigger businesses, simply don’t have the bandwidth to re-examine those relationships, those tools, consider the migrations. It becomes a very big headache very quickly.

But now with AI, we can do that in such a bandwidth, you know, unlimited way in some cases. So, for example, right now, I’m sitting in the Princeton First Aid & Rescue Squad. We are the EMS provider, the ambulance provider for the town of Princeton, New Jersey, and I am the executive director here. It’s one of my side passions. I’ve been an EMT for about 15 years, and I was a volunteer here for about five years, and now I’m the executive director.

So this is an 86-year-old organization and there were a lot of things in place where it’s like, “Well, that’s the software we always use. And this was how we did these. And this is when we had our meetings,” and every single thing I’m able to say, “Hold on, let me take that bill and give it to my AI agent. I have a
Chief of Staff Agent that I built here. I also have a bookkeeper agent that I built here. Go out and get three quotes. See if this is competitive.”

“Oh, it’s not? Great. Send an email to this person with a negotiation and see if they can match it. Otherwise, let’s switch. Cool.” And that’s been huge for us here. Billing. “We’ve been billing at this rate for about six years now. We probably should bill more, but can we justify that? Well, let’s take all that data and crunch it and see what number we really should be billing at. Here it is. Okay, that’s what we’re going to do now.”

Again, none of this is, like, rocket science. It’s so much easier to just keep going than to be like, “Hold on a minute. Let’s figure out if there’s actually a better way.” It takes more work initially to do that.

Pete Mockaitis
So when you say have an agent go get quotes, that sounds pretty sophisticated in terms of how much guidance do you have to offer? I mean, does that just consist of, “Look up vendor. Find email address for vendor. Email vendor. Describe situation. Ask for price,” and like that’s the series of tasks that they’re up to there?

Ari Meisel
Yeah, I mean, it’s not much more, but that’s the thing, right? Like, it’s not much more complicated than that. And, again, that’s just the thing where people are like, “I couldn’t possibly make that into a binary decision.” It’s like, “Yeah, you can.” “This is what we pay for this thing now. Do you offer this thing and how much do you charge for it? Is that number bigger or smaller than the number that I’m paying now?”

But, seriously, you have people that are like, “Nah, you know, you don’t know these guys and, like, I got to talk to them and explain the whole situation.” No, you don’t. You don’t. And you’re not the best person in the world to do that. No person that I’ve ever met is the best person at describing the situation that they’re in so that somebody else can give them a price for it.

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, I love it. Oh, man, these are some hot takes. Well, I guess, though, the flip side is, sometimes, it’s annoying. When you’re trying to purchase services and you want a price, sometimes the sales folks are trained, “Oh, we don’t give that away without a call. You got to hop on the phone or the Zoom to get that info.”

Ari Meisel

My AI agents can make phone calls.

Pete Mockaitis

Okay. It’s like, “Hello, Ari. What is the price for your coaching services?”

Ari Meisel
So, you know, it’s funny, they’re actually quite good now, because I’ve listened to the recordings of some of the calls, and this is just my anecdotal take. It’s kind of a known thing, I think, in the call center industry, this shouldn’t be shocking to anybody.

But a lot of times, for better or worse, when somebody picks up the phone, if they hear somebody say something with an accent, it’s like, “Well, it’s a telemarketer,” and they hang up. We know that that’s a thing. Same thing with agent. You have people like, “Human. Human. Human.”

So my anecdotal take on this, from my own personal experience, but also from hearing a bunch of these calls, is I don’t think people have a problem with the accent or with the AI, with the automation. I think they have a problem with bad ones where there’s a lack of understanding. There’s a delay. They have to repeat themselves.

The AI that I have right now work, and it’s not my technology. I use Bland.ai and RetailAI, they’re really, really good. And I’ve had people have full-on conversations with the AI where it’s, like, I really can’t tell if they can tell. And if they can tell, they don’t seem to mind.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. They’re not saying, “You stupid clanker.” You’re not hearing that on the other side?

Ari Meisel
No, I had my AI Chief of Staff call the vet to get, like, a bill. We needed a bill that they hadn’t sent me, whatever. And the AI voice agent spelled our cat’s name for the person at the reception, and it’s a French name.

So, like, they did it perfectly and did it clearly, and the person heard it and they didn’t have to repeat it. The person gave some information back, the AI understood it, didn’t have to repeat it back, like it was a very fluid conversation.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, this is pretty mind-blowing stuff in that I’ve heard, like, enthusiastic hyped tech bros claim that this is what the future is going to be, and you’re telling me, “Oh, no, I am doing it right now easily without worry or catastrophe or trouble, and it’s been a delight.” That’s what I’m picking up from you, Ari.

Ari Meisel
It’s been the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced in my entire career.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay.

Ari Meisel
Let me just give you just some context to this, right? So do you know what the Jevons Paradox is?

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, I’ve heard of it, but I forgot. Lay it on us.

Ari Meisel
So the original one was from the Industrial Revolution when there was coal production. And, basically, Jevons Paradox says that while we would assume that when something becomes more efficient – a process, an engine, whatever – you need less of it.

In a Jevons Paradox, the opposite happens, and we have this explosion. So coal production was an example of that, right? We could suddenly power all of America with a tenth of the factories, but now we quintupled the number of factories because we wanted to expand so fast. AI is another example of that. I am an example of that.

So I have, you know, famously, I mean, I’ve been quoted for this a bunch of times, but I spent several years where I was probably working 20 minutes a day doing all my coaching and everything, and that was legitimate.

Now I am busier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. And it’s amazing, though, because I think that I’m accomplishing more than a hundred people could accomplish. I have my company, so my coaching business. I am here as the executive director of the Princeton First Aid & Rescue Squad.

I have two other W-2 jobs because people now don’t want to just have me be a coach. They want to hire me on as an employee. For some reason, that’s been a new experience for me. I also sit on several boards. I’m on the school board here in Princeton, which is an elected position. I have five kids, three cats, two dogs, and I’m still able to sit here and have a really great conversation with you, Pete, because of all of this stuff. I have 32 agents working on stuff for me.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s wild. Well, thank you for giving us a taste and a glimpse of that whole world. I wanted to hear about your profound love for asynchronous voice or voicemails. Because if you’re on LessDoing.com, that shows up pretty front and center that you love these voicemails. Tell us what’s so great about them.

Ari Meisel
Okay, so there’s a number of platforms to this. A lot of people are probably familiar with Voxer. You can do this with WhatsApp and iMessage, but they just don’t work as well, in my opinion. So I use Carbon Voice now, that’s my platform of choice. And it is, primarily, a voice platform.

And what I like about that, it’s funny, this actually came out of a weird, specific thing to me, and now this is such a different issue entirely. For so many years, I was known for all the virtual assistant work, I was doing all the outsourcing stuff, so it was always a constant thing where I would have to convince people that they were actually talking to me.

So it would be like, “Hi, Ari, or Ari’s VA, or Ari’s automation.” I was like, “No, no, it’s really me. Like, here’s today’s newspaper, I swear.” And with voice coaching, particularly, I don’t have to say, “This is not a VA. It’s not an automation.” And, of course, now we have voice cloning, but it’s not quite there. People can still tell.

So I don’t know, five, six, no, maybe seven years ago now, I switched from the traditional coaching model of meeting with clients one hour a week, every week, and talking through stuff to fully asynchronous.

So now, instead of a client having to wait till next Wednesday for us to talk for 45 minutes and get the three-minute answer that they need, now they can walk out of a fight with their co-founder on a Friday afternoon, send me a voice message. A couple hours later, I can listen to it, think through my answer and respond to them with like that 90-second silver bullet answer that they need to get through their weekend and focus on other things.

And it’s such a more effective form of coaching, but it also allows me to never miss a soccer game and take my kids to school and pick them up every day because I’m never on someone else’s schedule. Everything is, I mean, 99% of my communication is asynchronous.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s cool. And so, as opposed to email or text message, I mean, you’ve got the richness of the voice and the emotion and the nuance and texture and tone. That’s cool. I guess you also do it faster than you type words. How else are you thinking about this versus email? And how do you deal with email, generally?

Ari Meisel

Yeah, so people, generally, speak four times faster than they type. I certainly do. I’m also a very audio-visual kind of person. So I’m not a great reader. I’ve never been my whole life. It just, I’m that person that reads a page and then they’ve been thinking about something else all the time and have to read the page again.

But, like, I can remember lines from movies that I saw when I was 15. Like, I don’t know that’s a good thing, but it’s just how my brain works. So I can listen and think through a problem with a client and then respond really well.

The other thing is, and this is another limitation I recognize in myself, my initial response sometimes is probably more aggressive than I want it to be because I can get annoyed very quickly because I’ve seen these problems so many times.

So having me have the ability to take a little space and be like, “Yeah, that’s not going to come off right. Let me think through that again.” And even, in some cases, record the voice message and then recall it because I was like, “Nah, that wasn’t what I wanted to say,” it ultimately ends up being a much better experience for the client, and it’s a really incredible, like, sort of learning experience for me as a coach. I get a do-over sometimes.

But I often will say that I can tell more about a situation from the way a client says something than what they actually say. And you just lose that in an email. Plus, at this point, so many, there are so many tools, so many AI tools for writing emails for you, imagine emails for you.

Like, when you’re dealing with voice stuff, you really know that you’re talking to the person. And, again, like, I have voice cloning on the app because it’s built in. So if I type something, it will speak it in my voice, but still, it’s more natural, but you know it’s not actually me. So there’s just something very intimate about that.

And also, one more thing about that, too, is it’s such a common practice, I feel like, for people to outsource their inboxes, which I have never ever been a fan of because I think it’s a real breach of trust, honestly.

And if somebody knows that they’re communicating with someone’s assistant through that person’s inbox, I think it just creates a very weird sort of scenario. This is always private and always like me and them, which is hard to achieve nowadays.

Pete Mockaitis
Right. Well, tell us, what do you have running on your own inbox? I like Superhuman as an app, although it’s still me, Pete Mockaitis, the person, typing out the things. What are you doing there?

Ari Meisel
Just good old Gmail and some good habits.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, but, I mean, so super automation, outsourcing, you know, optimizing, you’re just like tapping away in Gmail?

Ari Meisel
Yeah, yeah. Well, yes, with one caveat. So I actually, unfortunately, I have to use Outlook also for a couple of organizations I’m involved in. I hate Outlook. But, basically, well, yeah, mostly in Outlook. So for certain emails from certain people with certain topics, my AI Chief of Staff will draft emails for me in response. And then I’ll usually just go in.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay, so you review and then send.

Ari Meisel
Yeah, and they’ll send them. But there are also quite a few where it can autonomously just send it without having to draft first. So, like in Slack, for example, this has actually been so fun. So I use Slack with a few different companies, too.

And, for example, I have an AI agent that was building a website for the company because I don’t have the attention to detail. I put it into the Slack channel with six people on the team and like, “Hey everybody, can you check on the website and make any comments of things that you see that are wrong?”

And what was so fun was, so someone would make a comment, “Oh, this page doesn’t load, this link’s broken.” The AI is in Tasklet, the agent, sorry, Taslet is in Slack, so it would immediately be like, “Oh, thanks for catching that. I’ve already rolled that into the next version and deployed it.”

So then the next person is like, “Oh, well, I see this thing and this thing. It would be great if this was here.” “Oh, great idea. Thank you.” So what ends up happening is you go through, you get to like v7 within 20 minutes and each person, we don’t have six people looking at v1 and giving comments. Every person that looks at it is seeing a better version than the last person that looked at it.

And so in a matter of 20 to 30 minutes, you’ve gotten this incredible iteration, and the website is fantastic now. And in that case, I’m not drafting anything. I’m not approving. It’s just going and it’s taking feedback, fixing it, and doing it again.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s really cool. So that was fun for that particular project, rather than we’re emailing a designer or a robot designer, and then waiting. And so, inside your Gmail or Outlook, you are just like a normal person, reading messages and replying to messages that don’t fit into the narrow AI autopiece. Well, you mentioned the AI is drafting kind of logistically, tactically. How does one get an AI up in their Outlook and/or Gmail reading and drafting replies?

Ari Meisel
So a lot of the agent platforms can just do that. You just say, like, “Connect to my Gmail,” and it’ll do that through whatever means it uses. But the key, of course, I would say, is to have it look back through a lot of the emails that you’ve sent to get your style and that sense of style.

The other thing that I’ll do, so I do manage my own inbox for the most part just because I have a whole methodology around this. I’ve been teaching forever called the 3Ds for Inbox Zero. But what I will do is, if I’m unavailable for some reason, like tomorrow, for example, I’m going to be at this event with one of my kids and I will not be on the phone at all for like six or seven hours.

What I’ll usually do in that case is if I get back on my phone and there’s like 60 emails, I’ll just go to my Chief of Staff and be like, you know, “Just triage the inbox.” And so then what it’ll start doing is it can draft, it can archive, it can answer things that it needs to.

And the example I gave of the camp waiver, like if it knows that an action needs to be taken and it knows that it can take that action, it is instructed to just do that and get it done.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. That’s cool. Well, Ari, tell me, anything else you want to make sure to mention before we hear about your favorite things?

Ari Meisel
People should go to LessDoing.ai. There’s a free, like, five-day boot camp thing. It’s not an upsell or anything. You get this document and you don’t do anything else with it. I think that’ll probably be really eye-opening for people.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. Thank you. Well, now could you share with us a favorite quote, something you find inspiring?

Ari Meisel
It’s a Robert Heinlein quote, and I look at it every year. So it’s, “A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, con a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.”

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And a favorite study or experiment or bit of research?

Ari Meisel
So I’ve been very interested in how environments affect our productivity, mood, all sorts of things, so whether it’s lighting or temperature, or even an interesting one. So I have a thermostat in my office here that doesn’t do anything. Actually, the building temperature is controlled centrally. So I’m not even sure why they set these up when they do this.

But if you give somebody a thermostat in their office and they think that they have control over their thermal environment, they will be more productive and actually happier. So I find a lot of that stuff very, very interesting, how you sort of set up your environment for greater productivity and happiness.

Pete Mockaitis

Okay. And a favorite book?

Ari Meisel
Emergency by Neil Strauss.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And a favorite tool?

Ari Meisel
Tasklet.ai probably would be my favorite tool.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And a favorite habit?

Ari Meisel
I’ve gone through so many different seasons of exercise in my life, but I’m 43 now and I’ve got kids and it’s busy. Every morning, I do a kettlebell workout before 6:00 in the morning, basically, and sometimes it’s five minutes. But every morning, I pick up that kettlebell and I do something. And I think that that has a really measurable effect on how the day goes for me and mobility and just how I feel.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And is there a key nugget you share that really seems to connect and resonate with folks, they quote back to you often?

Ari Meisel
“You can’t read the label from inside the jar.” In seven years, you can say that back to me.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, okay. Thank you. And if folks want to learn more or get in touch, where would you point them?

Ari Meisel
LessDoing.com.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And do you have a final challenge or call to action for folks looking to be awesome at their jobs?

Ari Meisel
Yeah, try to become more replaceable. So, try to take a list of the things you do on a regular basis, 10, 20 things, and then try to pick eight, or 80% of the things. So if it’s 20 things, 16 things from that list that, in six months, you will no longer do anymore. And then figure out if you’re going to optimize, automate, or outsource that thing so that you’re not doing it.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. Ari, thank you.

Ari Meisel
Thanks, Pete.

1174: How to Reshape Your Beliefs and Break Free From Your Inner Propaganda with Owen Fitzpatrick

By Podcasts No Comments

Owen Fitzpatrick talks about how your inner propaganda shapes your beliefs, decisions, and behavior–and how you can stop it from sabotaging your success.

You’ll Learn

  1. Why to be wary of the “temptations of certainty”
  2. The three reasons people form/change their beliefs
  3. The four steps to rewiring your beliefs

About Owen

Owen Fitzpatrick is a social psychologist. Owen has traveled to more than 100 countries and studied propaganda firsthand in places such as North Korea, Rwanda, and Afghanistan. Also an award-winning filmmaker and former television presenter, he brings the craft of storytelling to his work. He has worked with leaders at Google, LinkedIn, Pfizer, and Coca-Cola, studied at Harvard Business School and MIT, and is the author of nine books translated into 20+ languages. His TEDx talk “Mind Control” has reached more than 1.4 million viewers. Originally from Dublin, Ireland, he now lives in New York City.

Resources Mentioned

Thank you, Sponsors!

Pete Mockaitis
Owen, welcome!

Owen Fitzpatrick
Thank you so much, Pete. Delighted to be here.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, I’m excited to talk about Inner Propaganda. And, wow, I got to hand it to you for writing a heck of an introduction to this book. Introduction: “How to write a suicide note.” Can you take us into that story and share why you chose to open that way?

Owen Fitzpatrick
Sure. So when I was writing this book, this book is I think number 10 in terms of the books I’ve written so far, and it’s the most important one I’ve ever worked on because it’s all driven by an experience I had when I was 14.

So when I was 14, I was very depressed. I was suicidal. I didn’t have many friends. I struggled a lot with my mental health overall. And I had a moment where I was ready to end my life.

And so I started writing a suicide note. And the suicide note was to my parents just to apologize and to say, “I’m so sorry for doing this. I just can’t deal with it. I feel so alone, broken, etc.” And then as I was writing it down, I wrote a line to my parents saying, “I’m so, so sorry. I love you so, so much.”

And I can’t really put my finger on where it came from, but it’s almost like I found myself writing a question which is, “Is this how much you love them?” It was like a sort of sarcastic, edgy type of question back.

And it stopped me on my tracks at that moment. And then I started having a sort of internal war, but it kept coming back to that question. And every time I came across that question, something shifted in me. And by the end of that, I suppose, letter, I had stopped entirely the thought that that was what I was going to do.

And from that moment on, I never wrote another suicide note. I never considered suicide. Not that my life measurably improved the next day. I still struggled with the same situation outside and inside, but I knew that that was off the table. So my belief transformed in one moment.

And so I became, I suppose the cliche is, you know, you learn from your experiences as you get attracted to psychology. So as I started studying psychology, I was just everything I could about why we believe what we believe.

So I wanted to know about cults. I wanted to know about propaganda. I wanted to know about how did Nazi Germany influence so many people back then? How is it so powerful, this experience that I had? How come that changed everything for me? How do beliefs actually change? And why is it so difficult to change minds?

And then as I started working in corporations, working with thousands of people there, once more, the same things came about. Being right is not enough. You walk into a room, you’re trying to persuade your boss of something. It doesn’t matter if you’ve got all the data, it doesn’t matter if you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re still going to struggle to change that person’s mind if they’ve already cemented themselves in terms of certain belief.

So that’s kind of what drew me there. And the reason I started the book was that was the origin of the experience. And I want this book to arrest people and interrupt the pattern of thinking that they have and get them to go, “The stakes are higher than you might think. This isn’t just about influence. This is about something that can transform our lives.”

And so I felt that the gravity of the situation I went through is something that I needed to share. And, you know, pretending that everything is perfect, I think, sometimes is just an easy way out. I think we need to talk about real things, and that’s why I decided to start with that story.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, yes, and it is powerful. And thank God you’re here. We’re so glad that you’re with us, and that it is a powerful, powerful story that sets some things up. You say it’s not just influence. We had Bob Cialdini on the show. He’s an endorser of your book. Love him. He talks influence. You’re saying this is something kind of different. What do you mean?

Owen Fitzpatrick
So whenever we talk about influence, and again, Robert Cialdini is one of the most important mentors to me and whatnot, you’re talking about the ability you have to influence what another person believes or thinks or feels. And this is, I suppose, this book is also definitely about influence, but it’s also about mainly the influence that we have over ourselves.

So when I say inner propaganda, I’m talking about the fact that we convince ourselves of things all the time, and most persuasion happens within ourselves. So it’s not that other people automatically will persuade us if they use this tactic or this trick. It’s that they are creating the right conditions, whereby we convince ourselves.

And that matters because I think we walk around with this idea that we are seeing the world as it is. And if someone else doesn’t agree with us, well, that’s because they don’t get it, you know, like, “I see things correctly, Pete,” Well, you know what I mean. “He’s influenced by propaganda.” Like, there’s ways I can go inside my mind and convince myself. This is called naive realism where we see the world as we think we have it right and everyone else hasn’t.

And that matters not just from an influence standpoint, it matters from a decision-making standpoint in the corporate world, but it also matters from a polarization perspective, is in finding commonalities. If you’ve got to work on a team with someone that has a very different way of looking at the world, you have to try hard to be able to figure out, “How can I look at the world from their perspective such that we can understand each other better, such that we can work better and more effectively together?”

And so to me, while the book is largely about influence, it’s not the influence we kind of think of in terms of, you know, “Do this and this immediately will change for them.” That’s part of it, but a big part is, “How do we need to influence ourselves so that our mental health’s better, so we’re making smarter decisions?”

And then if we are going to influence someone, “What are the things that actually work as opposed to the myriad of things that we could do, the tried and tested tactics that we’ve applied before, but yet always seem to to fail to reach the mark?”

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, man, there’s about ten directions I want to go with this, Owen. Oh, so good. Well, for one, naive realism. Great term. I should have known that earlier, because I’ve been thinking about this concept a lot lately. And, great, there’s a name for it.

I would dare to guess, Owen, that just about all of us have this. We believe the way we see things is as they are and correct, and the way others see things is limited, incomplete, incorrect. I don’t know if you have any stats or research on this, but I think almost all of us have this in most contexts of our life.

Owen Fitzpatrick
I think one hundred percent agree with you. I think when it comes down to it, I mean, I think it’s common sense to know that. The problem is, is that, oftentimes, and there’s all sorts of different sort of quotes in time, the certainty is the poison of an intelligent mind, because whenever we are convinced about a particular perspective or point of view, that automatically means, unfortunately, sometimes the smartest people can have the dumbest takes.

Because just because you’re intelligent doesn’t necessarily mean you’re always seeing the world the way it is. And the smarter you are, often, the better you are at debating, the better you are at arguing. And so I can convince people who aren’t as sure as I am of what is true, even though necessarily it’s not.”

So the problem is that, oftentimes, we act as if we’ve got, what I call, the objective truth as opposed to, what I refer to, I think there’s five types of truth. I talk about desired truth, which is when we believe something is true because we want to; emotional truth, we believe something is true because we feel it is; past truth, we believe something is true because we remember it that way; or shared truth, we believe it’s true because me and Pete agree that it’s true.

And the reason I call those truths is because that’s how people describe it. It’s not like, you know, when we talk about all of these different forms, it’s not like, “Oh, I’m wishful thinking right now.” I’m saying it as if it’s an objective truth.

Everything is masquerading under this label objective truth. But objective truth is you’re there, you are able to test something and with prediction using, let’s say, in science or engineering, if you’re building a skyscraper or a plane, you need objective truth because if it doesn’t work, people die.

But in most other cases, in politics, in education, in business, there’s an awful lot of subjectivity to the truth or enough room for us to be able to get around it. And even if, for example, you have facts, there’s a difference between the facts and the truth, the facts are what data you have in front of you. The truth is the story you tell about what that data means.

And I think we need to start to get to grips with these ideas because, otherwise, we’re sabotaging ourselves, we’re sabotaging the decisions, and we’re failing to impact the very folks that we’re working with on an everyday basis.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, that’s heavy and it sounds true. Say it again, certainty is the poison of…?

Owen Fitzpatrick
Of intelligence. The speed to your anger is the depth of your programming. In other words, the quicker you get angry whenever your beliefs are challenged, the more than likely you’re programmed in that, like there is zero movement on that.

And we’re all that way. I’m not turning around pretending that I’ve got zero beliefs and I look at everything objectively. I definitely don’t, right? I have a very different, a very extreme sort of bias towards the things that I love and care about and who I am as a person. So I’m definitely not saying that, but I am saying I’m recognizing that more and more.

And I think the first step in any of the work we need to do on ourselves, well, just like self-awareness is a business skill, is something that will help us to be more awesome at a job, we need to recognize we also need to understand we’re not always right. And getting to grips with that means letting go of this need for certainty, which we often have. And there’s other reasons for that from a brain science point of view.

But letting go of this need to be certain about everything all the time, to jump to hot takes to go, “Oh, this is the way it is.” We love to do that because it gives us a feeling of comfort. It’s like a warm blanket of certainty. It’s like, “Ah, I understand how things are.” And the world is far too complicated. It’s not that simple. And I think recognizing that is crucial, especially in an age where there’s so much chaos going on.

There’s a concept called the need for cognitive closure. And a lot of people have this tendency where they really need to get closure on particular ideas. They love when, especially when they’re in a state of uncertainty, they love to get to a place where they go, “Oh, this is it.” They don’t like living in any form of ambiguity.

And so we tend to create these things. Nassim Nicholas Taleb called it the narrative fallacy where we come up with stories to explain the world. And if we just understand the world like this, then everything is okay because, “It fits into my narrative.” But the problem is they’re not accurate. And as a result of that, they can often create more problems than they can solve.

Pete Mockaitis
Owen, this is powerful, beautiful stuff. That quote, “Certainty is the poison of intelligence,” I’ve got a variant of my own, and it’s a joke in one that goes, “Obviously, overconfidence is the most destructive force in the history of the universe.”

Owen Fitzpatrick
Love it. Love it.

Pete Mockaitis
It’s like, I kind of believe it, and it’s kind of a joke at the same time. It’s like, you know, layers to it. But I’m right with you there. So the beliefs we have do make a tremendous impact for, I think about mental health and, boy, the placebo effect and the nocebo effect, and just the impact of visualization.

And Alia Crum with the milkshakes, and what your ghrelin is doing, if you believe it’s a caloric-rich milkshake versus like a low-cal milkshake, your body is changing. You just think about standing up. Your body is preparing itself with blood pressure and whatnot. And so it’s wild how the beliefs we hold have tremendous impact.

And I would love to hear, in terms of, fundamentally, how is it we come to believe things or not believe things?

Owen Fitzpatrick

So I would, first of all, say if I was to give that answer, we really could be on this for the rest of the year and longer because there are so many different factors, but I don’t want to give sort of just a “it depends” type answer.

So just to give you, I suppose, what my work and research showed is that in order for a belief to, let’s say, change, which is similar to a belief forming, it needs to, number one, feel right. Number two, it needs to fit in with our identity and who we are, and only then will we make it make sense.

The problem with most people, and this is not just in the business world, this is in everyday conversations you have with your partner, with your kids, with your friends, it’s that when you try to change minds, you go to the making sense piece first.

So you go, “Logically, this makes sense to me. Let me explain to you the logic, and then you’ll believe the same thing I do.” Now that will work if you feel open to it, if you’re really like me searching for what’s actually true.

But if you already have a point of view or perspective on something, let’s say, for example, we take AI, right? And we say, you’re trying to convince someone that you work with that AI is a good thing. And they believe that AI is the work of the devil, right?

If you turn around and you think, “Well, let me give you logical reasoning,” what Adam Grant would call logic bullying, “Let me give you all the logical reasons as to why AI is brilliant and why you’re wrong, that it’s dangerous and blah, blah, blah.”

Well, that’s going to fall flat in its face because, and typically the explanation there is, “Well, they’re going to kick in with some biases. They’re going to have confirmation bias where they’re going to look for evidence to prove that they’re right, and they’re going to dismiss evidence that contradicts them, etc.”

But to me, it all starts before that. It starts with, “How did they feel about this particular topic, about this argument?” There’s a concept in neuroscience called affective realism, which is that the way we see the world is filtered through our feelings.

So if, Pete, you’ve ever felt hangry, that’s angry when you’re hungry, or tangry, that’s angry because you haven’t got enough sleep, or tanxious, you’re spiraling a bit more than usual because you haven’t really gotten enough sleep or whatever.

If you’ve been in those states, you know what it’s like to physically feel a way that influences the way you perceive the world. And the problem is it doesn’t just start at the physical.

You could be, you know, doom-scrolling on your phone, you see a picture of your best friend in Greece and they’re swimming in the sea, and part of you is happy for them, but another part of you is really jealous. You’re going, “Oh, my goodness, that would be so nice there. Things are so heavy on me at the moment, work is so tough, my boss is annoyed with me,” and then you see your friend swimming and, therefore, you feel bad.

And then that feeling sticks in you a while. You put your phone down. And then whatever is going on in your life, you’re going to filter it through that feeling. So our feelings will influence how we interpret a situation.

Now, belief is a story that we not tell ourselves, but it’s a story we sell to ourselves. And so the stories we sell to ourselves become the beliefs we buy into. So how do we sell it to ourselves? Well, why do we buy anything, Pete? We buy it because, “I know if I buy this, this will make me feel good because it allows me to do what it is that I need to do.”

So you get a new gadget, for example, and you decide, “Right, if I only had that gadget, I would be able to use it in this situation, in that situation, the other situation.” And so it’s not just a logical purchase for most of the things we buy. It’s an emotional purchase.

The same is true of a belief. We feel a certain feeling as a direct result of whatever idea we have in there. And then that drives the decisions we make. And then the second piece is then it has to fit in with who we are. We tend to invest in things, but we also tend to invest in beliefs that align with either who we think we are or who we want to be.

And that’s why often groups can have an undue necessary influence. That’s why groupthink happens in organizations, why Siemens had a terrible experience with groupthink. You know, NASA, of course, in the experience of the Challenger space shuttle, the mistakes made because people didn’t want to be the person to be able to challenge back.

And I think that these are all examples of what it’s like to believe in something and almost the belief in something. It’s like the membership fee you pay to be part of the group, and that’s a problem. And so what I like to do is try to unpack, especially from my own limiting beliefs, “What are the feelings that are dictating what I’m believing right now, both the things I want to feel as well as the feelings that are associated with this idea?”

And then second of all, “What about my identity? How is this preserving my identity? What am I trying to protect here? And what’s going on?” And when I start to unpack that, that’s where change can happen.

Pete Mockaitis
So we talk about ‘fits in,’ that really connects strongly. I think about this documentary “Behind the Curve,” which is talking about Flat Earth folks. And at one point, he said, these hardcore Flat Earthers is like, “Boy, I’m so deep in flat earth now, I don’t know if I could leave it even if I didn’t believe it.” So I was like, “Whoa, like that’s very honest and it’s potent.”

And so the belief needs to kind of check these three boxes: feels right, fits in, makes sense. Could you maybe expand a little bit with some examples on how a belief could pass or fail, like how that might unfold as our brains are kind of trying something on or evaluating something?

Owen Fitzpatrick
Sure. So if we take the example I just started with, which is AI, so you’re trying to talk to your friend about AI and they’re, you know, they believe that it’s the work of the devil. When they talk about AI, the amount of data you put in front of them is not going to influence their decision one bit because it’s not a logical choice. It isn’t that they evaluated all the evidence and they’ve come to the conclusion.

The reason they don’t believe AI is a good thing is because it doesn’t feel like a good thing to them, first and foremost. And that might be because they’re terrified. They’re scared that AI is going to take their job. They’re scared that AI might take over the world. They’ve watched “Terminator 2” on repeat and they are genuinely looking at the future going, “We are in big trouble here.”

And so from that perspective, their feelings are the problem there. They are feeling this way about AI and, therefore, all the information or logic we give them is not going to change their feelings. Second of all, they have more than likely seen themselves as one of the defenders of humanity.

And I’m using a bit of hyperbole there. Obviously, it’s not exactly articulated like that by them, but they will see themselves as, “Look, I’m a human, I value human things, and we cannot let this artificial intelligence to overcome and take us and kick us out of our jobs. This is wrong. This is fueled by the billionaire class or whatever the narrative they are.”

And, by the way, I’m not saying that any of this is wrong. I’m just saying this is more than likely what a lot of people may well be thinking in terms of their identity. And so, as a result of that, all the information you give them, you’re already fighting a losing battle. You’re not actually arguing about the same thing. Because they have one reality in their world and they have their naive realism. You’ve a different reality in the world. You’ve your own naive realism.

And so what that means is that nothing that you say is going to penetrate their belief because anything you say feels wrong and doesn’t fit in with who they are. And so if you’re to have a shot at talking to them, the first step is to try to understand, “How do they feel about it?” and to be able to go, “I understand why AI is terrifying because of this, right, because of this.” And you let them know that, “I connect with exactly what you’re feeling right now.”

The second thing we do is, once we’ve demonstrated, “I get you, I understand the feeling,” is you go, “Here’s what I’m feeling as well.” And then you give stories, which are obviously one of the best ways to be able to… like the Trojan horse of messages. You use the stories to create the emotion of the kinds of reasons why you’re excited about some of the elements of AI. But, again, you keep bringing it back to, “But, of course, we have to be careful, we have to be mindful, we have to figure this out.”

And then when you talk about it from the identity perspective, you paint a picture, whereby, the way you see it is, “Yeah, I know that AI could take over my job.” Let’s say I’m a coder, right, “I went to university, I’m a master coder, I’m brilliant at doing this, and all of a sudden now you’re telling me that AI can code better than I can. What does that make me? I’ve lost my identity.”

And so if I’m trying to convince my friend that feels this way, I can share my vulnerability about my thoughts about it, but then I, again, tell them a different story. And the story that I would use for that would be, “Who could I be if I was able to be masterful at using AI?”

In other words, “If I adjusted so that I saw AI as an incredible tool that allows me to do the things that I can do to the best of my ability. And also because of my skills in coding, I have an an edge that nobody else has, or very few other people have, in terms of how I can use AI better than anyone else out there.”

And when I start to paint a picture of a desired potential identity for them to have, it, at least, gives me a shot at helping them to change their mind in that context. Because, again, they’re not making up their mind based on evidence. People don’t do that.

Instead, what they’re doing in that context is they’re holding on to their identity. So our goal is to be able to expand their identity so they’ve got more choices available to them. Just on this particular point, I’ll give you one sort of side example if that’s okay.

Years ago, I worked with a coach and it was at a coaching seminar. I was helping people to change habits. And this lady came up and she was a smoker. And she said, “Look, Owen, I know all the techniques. I know how to stop, but I will never stop.” And I said, “Why?” And she goes, “Because I’m just a smoker.”

And so I said to her, “How many cigarettes do you smoke a day?” She said, “About 20.” I said, “How long does it take you?” She said, “About three or four minutes.” I said, “So you spend about 80 minutes of your day smoking.” She said, “Yes.” I said, “How much time then do you spend not smoking?” She said, “About,” whatever, “22 hours and 40 minutes.” I said, “If you had two jobs, one of them you did for 22 hours and 40 minutes, and the other you did for 80 minutes a day, which one would you describe yourself of?”

And she said, “Well, the one I did 22 hours and 40 minutes.” I said, “So that would make you a non-smoker who smokes for 80 minutes a day.” And at that moment she sat back and she goes, “I never thought about it like that before.” But that opened up everything.

I saw her six years later at another conference. She came up to me and she said, since that day, she hadn’t touched a cigarette. And again, she had all the tools. But what made the difference for her in that context was opening her identity and realizing it doesn’t have to be this way.

We limit ourselves so much what’s possible at your job. One of the most important things, for example, this podcast does for so many people is it isn’t just about the skills that you give them, about presence or communication or relationship or productivity. It’s also the fact that they know, by listening to it, they hear the stories, the examples.

It opens up the possibilities and they go, “You know what? I think I could be more awesome at my job. I think I could communicate better.” You know, it’s the idea of this growth mindset that, “I think it is possible for me to be better.” And having your identity expanded like that gives you a real shot to be able to actually improve.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s really cool. And it makes sense. It’s just about like the logical stuff. which you know there’s a lot of and, in a way, it’s almost straightforward in terms of like facts, data, supporting evidence, you know. there’s that.

Owen Fitzpatrick
It’s table stakes. Yeah.

Pete Mockaitis

There’s that. Okay. So, you also make the point that certainty can be manufactured. How does that happen? And what have we got to be on the lookout for?

Owen Fitzpatrick
So I’ll answer the question by, first of all, saying, “Why does it happen?” and then, “How does it happen?” So why does it happen is because we want to feel certain. We have a desire. So our brains are basically prediction machines. And our brains look around the world, it’s trying to make the best possible predictions to keep us alive.

So our brains are optimized for safety more than anything. They want to keep us safe. And that’s why we have a negativity bias, why we’ll be more likely to overthink on the negative things than the positives as a natural tendency.

But we also have a desire for stability. Our brains like things simple and stable. They like to use as little energy as possible. Our brain, typically, uses 20% to 25% of the calories we take in, even though it only represents 2% of our body mass. So it’s constantly using shortcuts.

Now, with those shortcuts comes not just biases or whatever, you know, cognitive biases that are occurring, like confirmation bias, but also comes this desire to make everything certain and clear, “I love to jump to conclusions because once I have a conclusion, I can rest. I know the way it is.” And the problem is we don’t like the level of uncertainty.

In a world of uncertainty, which is this world is constantly becoming more and more, I suppose challenging our levels of certainty, more unclear, more uncertain. In a world like this, our brains need certainty more than ever. Therefore, people are jumping to conclusions more than they ever have.

So that’s why, in terms of how we manufacture certainty, by, first of all, demonstrating the certainty we want. So whenever you demonstrate a sense of certainty in something, people are craving that. And that’s why, oftentimes, in uncertain times, they will crave a strong leader with a definite point of view and a sense of certainty. It doesn’t make it right, it just means that that tends to be what people gravitate towards whenever there’s a lot of chaos moving around.

We love clear instructions. But also, once you have the person with the level of certainty, you want a clear, simple message. You want to make it as easy as possible for the person to buy into. And then you want to make sure that they’re on the right side of it.

So the reason conspiracy theories work, for example, is largely because the conspiracy theory makes me feel smarter than everybody else and it fulfills that for me. I know, like, “Pete, you know, he doesn’t realize this is actually the way the world works. The world is flat, it’s a conspiracy. And they don’t, all these smart people don’t know it.”

So it makes me feel smart. It makes me feel like the hero of the story. And the people in the story, they’re the victims. All these being villainized by the powers that be that are convincing you that the world is round.

And I think once we understand the mechanisms of this, we have to start to make it, especially in the business world, we have to start to make a better effort at being better specifically with the way in which we take on information.

And so there’s a number of techniques you can use to ensure that you’re not jumping to conclusions as quickly and you’re not falling for this sort of temptation of certainty that, again, the powers that be know only too well will give you exactly what it is that you want.

Pete Mockaitis
The temptation of certainty. Owen, you got a way with words. Yeah, we do want it. And I think it’s funny, sometimes, we’ll pay a lot of money to get it when, honestly, many things are just unknowable.

And so I think that’s a dangerous risk factor, and I think I found that on both sides of the coin as a client and as in a client service business. We help launch people’s podcasts and produce their episodes. They’re like, “So what’s the answer to get a huge audience?” It’s like, “Well, I mean, you can make something great that people love and value and it’s distinctive from other things.”

It’s like, “Okay, so then how long should the episode be?” It’s like, “I mean, as long as it needs to be, about two, four…” and it’s very unsatisfying in terms of the desire for certainty, it’s like, “You’re supposed to have all the answers.”

It’s like, “We have many answers but other things are unknowable. And, hey, man, Disney and Netflix don’t know how to crank out hit shows. They do their best and have plenty of flubs and foibles and cancellations after one season, so that’s just sort of how it is.”

The future is unknowable and yet we crave it. So give us some pro tips on how we can be wise and inoculated against the temptation of certainty to our peril.

Owen Fitzpatrick
I think the first step is to recognize when someone is trying to influence or manipulate us in terms of, let’s say, the way they communicate. There’s a fascinating study that was done by an ecologist, Marten Scheffer, and his colleagues. They did this in 2021.

And what they did was they analyzed millions of pages or millions of books, actually, that were written between 1850, and some newspapers as well, between 1850 and 2019. And they looked at rational language and emotional language.

And they found between 1850 and 1980, words like judgment, conclusion, and rational type of words was on the increase and was continuously increasing until the 1980s. Around about the 1980s or so, it changed and emotional language started to take over and more and more emotional language was used up to 2007 when it just went even more, like it accelerated even faster than ever, right?

Now, when you look at that data and you look at the study that was done, and I presented this on one of my Instagram reels a few weeks ago and it did very well. But the response in the comments, there’s thousands of comments, and the comments were all about, “This is why. Let me tell you why. It’s because of this, it’s because of that, it’s because of this, these people.”

And they were demonstrating the very phenomenon because all of the descriptions they were using were full of all of this emotional language. And so when we’re in a situation where we’re reading or consuming information, and this isn’t just in the news, this is also in the business world.

If you’ve got a colleague that uses a lot of hyperbole, uses a lot of emotional jargon, recognize it and understand it. And it doesn’t mean that they’re wrong, it just means using that particular term is influencing you in a particular way.

And the flip side is if you want to be more impactful in communication, what are the choice of words that you can use that would influence people in a more impactful way? How do you generate more emotion or more feeling through the words or through the language that you use and recognizing the power of emotion as an influence tool?

And then the other important technique I would have would be around our own thinking is that instead of looking at beliefs as being, “I believe this,” or, “I don’t,” start to see it on a sort of a continuum. There’s a great book called Thinking in Bets by Annie Duke about behavioral economics. It’s a wonderful book.

She talks about, if you are betting on your belief, how much money would you put that that belief is true? And as soon as people put money down, all of a sudden, they’re not quite as sure as they were beforehand.

And so I like the idea of asking the question, you know, “On a scale of zero to a hundred, how sure are you of this particular belief?” And there’s going to be certain things like, you know, “I believe I love my family.” Okay, that’s 100%. Great. But you’re not going to be challenging that anyway.

But for all of the other beliefs, especially in the business world, you start to evaluate and you go, “Okay, I’m 90.” And then you look at the evidence and you ask, “Whatever is going on, does that increase my percentage? Does it decrease?”

But the mere fact that you have it as a percentage, “I am 80% certain,” and we start to use that in the vocabulary, “I’m 80% certain that this is true. Or from my available evidence, I believe this with 80% certainty.”

The more we start to talk like this and think like this, the more we build flexibility into our beliefs, which means we’re less likely to fall into a trap where we have to defend with this level of certainty. Because as soon as you start to see it as, “My certainty can move,” now, all of a sudden, it’s not a case of a binary, “I believe,” versus “I don’t.” Now it’s, “Well, I have certain evidence that suggests this.”

And this is also based on something, I think, 300 years old, a guy called Thomas Bayes had what we call Bayesian reasoning, which is you walk in there with a prior, like a belief I have currently today. And then if information comes along or evidence comes along that challenges it, “Well, now I’m going to adjust it.”

And I think there’s a beautiful freedom we have when we stop playing the game of certainty versus, you know, chaos. We don’t always have to walk around certain about everything. We can focus on what we can control in the moment, but we can accept, “Look, this is how I’m feeling right now.” But a belief is an idea we feel certain about.

And so because the word feel is there, changing that feeling means not seeing it as this thing that’s stuck or this belief that it’s constructed or created by facts or logic, which often logic is the one that arrives last and takes all the credit, right? It’s just what our brains are good at using in order to be able to justify whatever it is that we believe.

And that’s also why it makes sense comes at the end, because you can find logic. I mean, there’s Flat Earthers believing in the flat earth. There’s people that believe all sorts of stuff. And when you listen to them talk, they sound convincing when they start to use all of their logical reasoning skills, but that doesn’t mean they’re right.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, it’s funny, when I watched the Flat Earth documentary, and maybe I’m just so suggestible, but I was like, “You know, they’re making some pretty good points.” And then I was like, “How do I really, really know the Earth is round?” But then some of the very claims they made about flights never going in a certain direction, I was like…

Owen Fitzpatrick
Debunk it, yeah.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, “No, I see the flights going in that direction you say they never go right now. What? Okay.”

Owen Fitzpatrick

Yeah. And, again, these things are, it’s easy for us to see, but again, to your point, they can sound so compelling and convincing. And that’s why I say, you know, there’s an arrogance, oftentimes, we’ll have where we think, “Oh, my goodness, I can’t believe they fall for this.” We’re falling for stuff all the time. We’ve all got our inner propaganda going on.

And again, this work didn’t come out of me going, “Oh, my goodness, I’ve figured out the way people are and lucky I don’t have that.” I have to challenge my inner propaganda every single day. I’ve got beliefs that change regularly because I’m constantly aware that just because I feel it’s true doesn’t necessarily make it true.

And, again, I’m not trying to lull us into a sense of epistemological uncertainty or subjectivity where it’s like, “Well, it depends on what you mean, and it’s everything’s up for interpretation.” It’s not. But we need to stop this, I suppose, again, the temptation that we have to be able to succumb to an easy explanation because it’s easy. Sometimes things need nuance, and to me nuance is needed more now than it ever has been in terms of human history.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah. Well, tell us about that inner game, the inner struggle there. If we identify some beliefs that we’d prefer to not be there, or we want to adopt a belief that seems true-ish and would sure be beneficial if we claimed it and owned it and had it installed into our operating system, how do we shape, build up, adopt, positive internal beliefs, or usurp, break down negative internal beliefs?

Owen Fitzpatrick

Sure. So, first of all, we have to cultivate what I call a belief growth mindset. So, obviously, Carol Dweck talked about the growth mindset. We have the ability to improve our ability or intelligence if we put in the effort, if we take feedback, if we challenge ourselves, right?

The belief growth mindset is simply an adaptation of that where my main message is we need to be more comfortable with changing our minds. We need to be more comfortable with changing our beliefs because currently we’re not.

Because if I change my mind, if I don’t buy in fully to this thing, people can catch me out. And I think we need to start to see the fact that I have changed my mind on something as a positive, as a benefit. It shows strength of character to be able to do that.

And the belief growth mindset is comfortably recognizing that you can update your priors as Bayesian theorists would say, you can update your beliefs, you can change your mind. Once we acknowledge that, once we sort of recognize that, then the next step is to be able to do what I call a belief audit.

And the belief audit has four steps. The first one is to identify what belief we have. Now, this is trickier than it sounds because, often, we will say, “Well, that’s not a belief, that’s a truth.” And so the reality is we don’t often distinguish between the two.

But the way in which you know it’s a belief is pretty much everything is a belief, and it’s only true if you’ve objectively witnessed it time and time again, and you can make accurate predictions 100% of the time. So we know gravity, for example, exists. That’s an example of an objective truth or a fact. Most other things are beliefs. And that doesn’t make them wrong. It just means they’re beliefs.

If it’s a belief that’s holding you back or causing you problems, that’s the one that we’re selecting. So if I believe that I’m useless at talking on camera or I’m no good in an interview and I have an interview coming up with Pete, that belief is not going to serve me well.

Now, what most people do then is they will go into the whole challenging for evidence, they’ll go, “How do you know you’re useless? Have you ever tried this before? What if you’re not useless? Are you useless every single time?” So these are all great questions that we would use in terms of a therapeutic setting to work on building and challenging the beliefs.

I go in a different direction because I think the big problem we have is that we’re looking at the belief as if it’s a truth that the person will change their mind based on evidence. And if it feels right to them or if they’re open to it or their identity is moving or changing as a result of a therapeutic endeavor, then that will help. But in most cases, that’s not the situation.

So in the moment, it’s not about whether it’s true, it’s about whether it’s useful, right? I can find evidence to prove I’m useless in lots of areas, but I can also find evidence of the opposite.

And so when I can find any evidence I like and I can make it fit like a Flat Earther, I can make it fit my argument. Then in this context, what I need to do is stop for a second and go, “Since I can pretty much prove anything, the question isn’t, ‘Is it true?’ The question, ‘Is it useful?’”

And so the first question is, “What is the belief that I’m holding?” And then let’s say I believe, “I’m not good enough as a speaker,” or let’s say, in terms of presentations, “I’m just not good with people, and that’s why I’ll never succeed in my job.” And then you go to the second question, which is, “What are you trying to achieve by believing this? Like, what is your goal in believing this?”

And, automatically, it’s like, “Well, I suppose it gives me a sense of certainty that this is who I am and it protects me from rejection and it protects me from trying and it protects me from putting myself out there.” Then you go, “How is that working for you? Like, is it successful?” “Well, it’s doing that, but it’s sabotaging my career and I’m not getting anywhere as a result of it. Like, it’s destroying my chances to be able to thrive in my career. And it means I’m missing out on so many opportunities.”

“Okay, so what’s a better belief that would help you, that would still protect you, but would help you to be able to get better and to do better?” “Well, I suppose if I believe that I could become really good at this, and even when I make mistakes or I don’t do a great job, that doesn’t mean I’m no good with people. It just means that I haven’t yet learned the skills and every negative experience I have could serve to be feedback to help me to become better and better and better, so I do become great eventually.”

Taleb talks about the concept of anti-fragility, things that gain from disorder. I like the idea of an anti-fragile identity, which is, instead of seeing yourself as how you want to be, you see yourself as the kind of person that, whatever happens to you also happens for you.

Whatever challenges you go through, whatever adversity, whatever uncertainty, whatever complexity, whatever mistakes you make, all of that can be transfused into lessons, learnings, feedback that helps you to get better next time.

And so, therefore, my belief about myself is, “I’m constantly updating my beliefs. I’m constantly getting better. And every time I make a mistake, it can just teach me a valuable lesson. But because I have that belief, nothing can get me down because whatever happens to me, again, can happen for me.”

And the more we start to see that as a potential new belief, that becomes a lot more useful than the old-school belief, which is, “You know, I’m useless with people,” which is just a narrative we’ve been spinning for years, just because we had two or three examples of it and it also is convenient. It means we don’t have to try. It means we can hide away from the world.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, so that’s a nice process there. It’s like, “Hey, let’s shift the focus dot from ‘Is it true?’ to ‘Is it useful?’ And then we kind of think through the implications of the different beliefs and where they go.”

I’m curious with regard to the ‘feels right’ and ‘fits in’ perspectives of that, I suppose, at the stage of what would be a more useful belief, there’s many to choose from. And so, perhaps, those that’ll be the most resonant will be the ones that best feel right and fit in. Can you speak to that?

Owen Fitzpatrick
Yeah, so if we take the same example, and we look at the ‘feels right’ and ‘fits in.’ If I go, “I’m great with people and everybody loves me,” well, that’s a nice belief, but, ultimately, when it comes face to face with reality, you’re probably going to notice it gets knocked down.

Because if you haven’t been great with people or if you haven’t spent much time with people, you probably haven’t cultivated the skills yet. So just believing in something positive is not necessarily going to hold mustard in that context. It’s not going to keep you safe because you’re going to get rejected and you’re going to have negative experiences.

And that’s the thing about just blind positive thinking is you always have to deal with reality eventually. And so my way of thinking is something that’s useful is something that is great whenever things are going well. But even when things aren’t going well, it’s all part of the story.

And that’s why I look to make, because in order for something to feel right, the person has to go, “Yes, I can get behind this. This feels right.” And whenever they have a negative experience, it fits nicely into that story because, again, the belief is a story.

So if something goes wrong, “Well, I knew that this might happen, and all it means is this. I knew that this might occur, and all it means is this.” So it maintains this feeling of rightness. So people are more open to it because it’s something more plausible, but also, when it’s tested, it works.

And then in terms of identity, again, if you see yourself as the kind of person that constantly improves and gets better, well, it doesn’t really matter what happens because it’s not like, again, the problem or the mistake we might make is we go, “I’m an amazing communicator and people always listen to me, and that’s who I am as an identity.”

But the challenge is that when people don’t listen to you, then that again creates a cognitive dissonance, a tension in your mind, because now, all of a sudden, “I believe that I’m this person, but yet reality is saying I’m not. Maybe I’m wrong.”

And what I believe is much more useful is to go create a version of yourself where whatever happens, it serves to make you better.

And that’s something I think all of our identities can get behind because, “I’m not pretending something’s true when it’s not.” I’m simply saying when you start to look at the negatives as the potential lessons or learnings that can help you to thrive in the future, that’s way easier to get behind and your brain is a lot less likely to push back on that because, well, what’s it pushing back on, right? There’s no real way to prove it wrong.

And I think that’s the problem. The flip side is when people say, “I’m not good enough,” there’s no real way to prove it wrong because you’re not even telling me what you’re not good enough to do. Some people go, “I’m not good enough.” “Good enough at what?” “Well, at work.” “In what way?” “Well, in terms of my performance.” “What do you mean by your performance?” “Well, well…”

Like, the more we start to knuckle down, good enough is just one of those empty statements that’s very hard to disprove because it just feels bad, but it doesn’t necessarily mean anything. And as a result of that, every time you’re in a bad state, it feels right to you, it goes, “Yeah, you know why this is? It’s because I’m useless, because I’m not good enough, right?” and that becomes part of your identity. And, therefore, you filter the world through it.

When you see yourself as constantly a work in progress, it changes the game because I think the reason people think of it in terms of, “I’m not good enough” is because they see this static identity. It’s like, “Do I have what it takes?” Well, you won’t know until you give what it takes. But that could be a long process.

But this speed that we have to get a sense of certainty as to whether or not I am this person, this isn’t the X factor. Life isn’t like that. You aren’t like, “I’m going to get the buzzer or I’m not.” This is real life. And real life means complexity and confusion and getting rejected when you should have been accepted, and getting accepted when you should have been rejected, and people not as good as you and doing better than you.

Like, this is life and we have to navigate this uncertain world the best we can. And to me, that means taking charge of the stories that we sell to ourselves.

Pete Mockaitis
I think that’s very handy in terms of there are many beliefs that are useful or unuseful to make sense of the reality in front of us and our experience of it and we really do get to choose what we’re going to grab and they’re going to be way stickier if it feels right, fits in, and makes sense.

Owen Fitzpatrick
Exactly. And I think we have to recognize we do have the ability to do that but, first, we have to acknowledge just because we believe it, it’s not necessarily true. And I think that’s the most important of all.

And the reason I call it the inner propaganda, and I talk about what I call the inner dictator, and I know there’s lots of terms, there’s like inner critic and there’s the different saboteurs, and I think all of that is great.

The reason I call it the inner dictator is because whenever I was depressed and whenever I struggle with my mental health, it didn’t feel like it was a negative thought. It wasn’t like a voice telling me negative and then I would push back with positive and we’d have a nice little debate. It felt like the truth. It felt like the reality. And so the dictator was organizing my attention and convincing me, “This is the way it is. There is no other reality. This is a fact,” and it’s me experiencing that.

And when I went to North Korea and I walked around there and learned what it was like to be inside a regime, completely blatant propaganda everywhere, I recognized what was going on inside my head because I was like, “The same thing that I’m doing inside my head is what’s happening out here. I’m being convinced by this voice that everything is wrong.” My inner state media showing me, only what maintains this negative feeling I feel.

And recognizing that and understanding this is propaganda, that was the saving piece. Because now I knew, whenever I was in this dark mode and I believed that this is what needed to happen, I’ve now learned that whenever I’m in that mode now, I’m recognizing I’m going, “I’m not in a good place to deal with this.”

Like, a few weeks ago, I had a big sort of setback. And immediately, my brain was like, “Why did you do this? This is the worse.” Like, it was just telling me all these things. But because of the work that I’ve done, I knew, “Okay, this is propaganda.” And it didn’t mean that it didn’t still hurt, but it meant I knew I was not in a place then and there to make any decisions, right?

Whatever I would decide there was going to be dictated to by this absolute convincing vibe that I had inside my head that was like, “Owen, you are wrong or you are bad or the future is hopeless.” Knowing that, as soon as you spot the propaganda, and you recognize you’re experiencing it, that’s the freedom.

When I realized that, it stopped me from making stupid decisions in those states, but also gave me a distinction that I needed, which is just because you believe it doesn’t make it so. And in order for me to be able to make smarter decisions, to be able to perform better, to be able to be happier, I need to recognize when the propaganda is trying to sabotage myself and my life.

It’s like a double agent. It pretends it’s always working for you and it does amazing things. But it also sells you a reality that you don’t always have to buy.

Pete Mockaitis
And I’m intrigued. So Kim Jong Un, North Korea, so we know what he’s trying to achieve via the propaganda. What’s our brain up to when it gives us this nonsense propaganda?

Owen Fitzpatrick
It’s up to those two things. It’s up to feeling safe and it’s up to feeling certain, right? It wants to keep things stable and it wants to make sure it has nice, easy ways of seeing the world. And whenever we feel bad, we don’t always attribute that bad feeling to what it belongs.

So you could have a problem or crisis in one area of your life and then you take it out in another area. So you’re struggling with your job and you take it out on your partner, and then you start to create problems in your relationship, or vice versa. You have problem in your relationships, you start to take it out in terms of your job.

So we aren’t always aware as to why something feels wrong in the moment. But our feelings aren’t categorized like that. We don’t just switch into different human beings in different parts of our life. And that also happens through time as well.

So as we grow up, we develop certain habits or certain patterns, and they affect us later on in our relationships. So you’re cheated on by one person. That doesn’t just affect you with that person or create a negative feeling. It changes the way you think about that type of person, right, a partner. And, therefore, the next partner you meet, the same feelings are dictating what your attention is putting on. So it’s harder for you to trust that person in that situation or scenario.

In the business world as well, you’ve had a boss that’s treated you really badly. The next boss that you have, almost anything that they say, you might look into or overanalyze or worry more about because your brain is focusing on what could go wrong as well as going, “Okay, what’s the story here? I need a sense of certainty. I need to know why this boss is treating me this way.”

And so we will grab onto any story that fits. And that’s the problem. We make up our minds too quickly. I believe we need to doubt ourselves more in order to believe in ourselves more.

Pete Mockaitis
So much good stuff. Owen, let’s hear in rapid fire about a few of your favorite things. Can we hear a favorite quote?

Owen Fitzpatrick
Sure. Favorite quote is actually by Rainer Maria Rilke, which is, “The purpose in life is to be defeated by greater and greater things.” And to me, it’s kind of like the epitome of this anti-fragile sort of identity. It’s like whatever hell hits me, it’s just going to help me get even better as a result.

Pete Mockaitis
And a favorite study or experiment or bit of research?

Owen Fitzpatrick
My favorite research, I mentioned earlier, Martin Schaefer, and that study. I absolutely love it. I found it fascinating. There’s also some really cool AI studies that have been coming out in the last couple of years about the impact of, I think, they had 900 people arguing against ChatGPT 4.0. And ChatGPT 4.0 was like 60% more persuasive, but it was more persuasive for two main reasons.

Number one, it knew how to pick the right kind of ethos so it knew what character to pretend itself to be. So it gave itself the right qualities to make it as persuasive as possible. And, number two, it was able to analyze the actual profiles of the person they were arguing against in real time. And they were able to use their moral framing and use their language against them.

So when that was taken away from them and they’re just using logic, there was no discernible differences between the humans and the AI. So I found that was really fascinating, stuff like that.

Pete Mockaitis
And a favorite book?

Owen Fitzpatrick

There’s obviously Influence with Cialdini, there’s Think Again, which is Adam Grant. But my favorite over the last few years has been a fictional book called Address Unknown, and it’s set in the 1930s. I think it’s Kathrine, I think it’s Kessler, I think. But it’s just a fascinating book. It’s a short enough book, but it blew my mind.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And a favorite tool?

Owen Fitzpatrick
It’s going to seem nerdy, but whenever I have a new thing I want to learn about, what I’ll do is I’ll do deep research on Claude and ChatGPT. I’ll put the two deep researches together, then I’ll have an argument with, you know, both, get all of that, and then I’ll put it into Notebook LM and have a podcast created for it, and then I’ll listen to it on my runs.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And is there a key nugget you share that really seems to connect and resonate with folks, they quote it back to you often?

Owen Fitzpatrick
It’s the stories that we sell to ourselves become the beliefs we buy into is the thing I hear the most.

Pete Mockaitis

Yeah. And if folks want to learn more or get in touch, where would you point them?

Owen Fitzpatrick

OwenFitzpatrick.com. I’m also on LinkedIn, Instagram and whatnot. And InnerPropaganda.com is its own website, but OwenFitzpatrick.com is the best place to learn more.

Pete Mockaitis
And do you have a final challenge or call to action for folks looking to be awesome at their jobs?

Owen Fitzpatrick

Think about the beliefs that you hold and evaluate the level of the percentage of certainty, like we said, and start trying to be more flexible with your beliefs because the more flexibility you build into it, the better your thinking, the better your decision-making, the better your relationships.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. Owen, thank you.

Owen Fitzpatrick
Thank you very much, Pete. A pleasure.

1173: The Tools for Greater Mental Strength with Amy Morin

By Podcasts No Comments

Amy Morin shares practical tools to stay calm, confident, and resilient under pressure.

You’ll Learn

  1. How to quickly shift your mood and energy
  2. How to defuse dread and make your workday easier
  3. The simple tool to keep worry from taking over your day

About Amy

Amy Morin, LCSW is a psychotherapist, mental strength trainer, internationally bestselling author, and the award-winning host of the Mentally Stronger With Therapist Amy Morin podcast. Her books on mental strength, including 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, have sold more than 1 million copies and been translated into more than 50 languages. 

She’s practiced therapy for over 20 years, and she’s a sought-after speaker whose TEDx talk, “The Secret of Becoming Mentally Strong,” is one of the most viewed talks of all time with more than 25 million views. Her new book is The Mental Strength Playbook: 50 Tools to Cope with Stress, Thrive Under Pressure, and Gain a Competitive Edge in the Workplace. Amy lives on a sailboat in the Florida Keys.

Resources Mentioned

Thank you, Sponsors!

Pete Mockaitis
Amy, welcome back!

Amy Morin
Thank you so much for having me, Pete.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, I’m excited to get mentally strong with you here today. You’ve got 50 whole tools for us at The Mental Strength Playbook. We’re probably not going to talk about all 50, I’m guessing. But give us the big picture in terms of a big discovery that you had when putting this all together.

Amy Morin
Well, you know, I’ve been writing books about mental strength for years, but most of them are about what not to do. And the biggest thing I realized was the skills and tools that work at home don’t always work in the office.

I can’t put off something that I’m anxious about at work. If I want to keep my job, I might have to figure out how to work through my anxiety, or if I’m bored, I can’t just be like, “I know, I’m going to wait till that report is feeling a little more fun.” But we can do those things at home.

So I wanted to write a book that was about what do you do when you’re sitting at your desk at 2:00 p.m. and you’re struggling with something, and the tools and skills that you might use at your house aren’t available to you.

And also when you’re struggling maybe with something in your personal life, how do you keep showing up at work? For me it was when my mother died, my husband died, like my 20s were like a bad country song. Everything that could have gone wrong did, and I was a therapist and I had to keep going to work.

And there was no playbook back then for, “How do you keep showing up when your own life is in shambles and how do you get through the day?” And one of the big pieces of this was like, if you’re going through grief or you’re going through stress or a hard time, you don’t want to push it down.

We know that suppressing things tends to make it pop up even worse. But at the same time, you probably can’t cry in the middle of a business meeting. You have to figure out, “How do I put it on the shelf and save it until later?”

And that’s really what I wanted this book to be about is, “How do you get through tough times, difficult emotions, maybe just temporary anxiety, maybe get anxiety from sales calls? But what are some tricks you can have up your sleeve so that you can still think, feel, and do your best, despite whatever your boss throws your way?”

Pete Mockaitis
Well, that’s super handy, and, yes, I want to talk through a few of those. For starters, though, could you share with us a cool story about someone who made use of some of these tools and saw some great results?

Amy Morin
Well, I will share my own story because, I will say, I used all 50 of these strategies in my and they’re what has gotten me through some of my toughest times. But when I first wrote my first book, I was a social worker in rural Maine.

I wrote an article that went viral, got invited to get on a big stage and I accepted without even really knowing what I was walking into. It was like this huge conference where pretty much everybody else on the stage was a household name.

So the day I got there, I’m watching Gary Vee up on this giant stage, and I’m thinking, “Oh, good, and I, like, have to give a presentation tomorrow. I literally have no idea what I’m doing.” So I had, like, 24 hours, and I thought, “What do I do? Do I go cram my notes? Do I call in sick tomorrow? How am I going to get through this?” because I knew I just really didn’t have, like, the skills and expertise to be there.

But I decided my best strategy at that moment was to act as if. I’m going to act as if I feel confident. So I watched other people that day to figure out like, “What do you do? Where do you step on stage? What do you do when you come out? How do you stand there? How do you look at the audience when you have this massive audience in front of you?”

And that’s what I spent the evening doing is saying, “If I stepped out on stage feeling completely confident, what would that look like, as opposed to the sheer terror that I knew that I was actually going to feel when I stepped out there?” But got it all down, okay, “If I were really confident, I’d step out there like this, I’d hold my head like this, I’d look at the audience this way.”

And I knew if I just did those things, then somehow my brain would be like, “Oh, I don’t know, maybe we are confident.” And I could at least get through it that day. And it worked. I felt like, “Okay, it’s not quite the same as like fake it till you make it, where people think you’re just going to get out there and act like somebody you’re not.”

That wasn’t my goal, but it was like, “How do I step into this as the most confident version of myself, even though I don’t feel confident?” And that strategy got me through it that day and, fortunately, they invited me back to speak and I still get to speak now, but I feel much better about it because I’ve had a lot more practice.

But sometimes, that’s the best strategy you can have is when you get on a sales call and you’re nervous or you’re filled with self-doubt, just ask yourself, “If I felt completely confident, what would I look like and how would I pull it off?” And then try to step into that persona even when you don’t feel it.

Pete Mockaitis
And so, what’s on the other side of those questions? Like, what would it look like in terms of, are you talking about, specifically, how you’re holding your body, how you’re talking to yourself? What are some of the bullet points that come as the answers to that question?

Amy Morin
So if I had stepped out there and allowed myself to just act like I felt, which would have been terrified, scared that I was going to bomb, worried that I was going to stumble over my words, I probably would have done all of those things, right? And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So when I watched the other speakers, I was like, “All right, they stepped out into the middle of that stage like they own the place. So how do I do that?” Or, when I saw, like, how they made eye contact and interacted with the audience, like, “Okay, how do I do that to make sure that when I get up there, I literally make sure that I’m standing up straight, I’m making eye contact, I’m trying to take up space while I’m up there?”

As opposed to what I felt like, which would have been like stand in the very back corner of the stage, speak as fast as you can to get out of there and try to exit before something horrible happens.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, okay. And then I’m curious about some of the other acts as if that have been transformational for you.

Amy Morin
Well, you know, as a therapist, it’s a play that I’ve run with lots of clients over the years. So, for example, I had a woman who said, “I need you to give me some confidence. I really want to go back to college, but I’m not sure I can do it later in life. I wasn’t the best student before, and now I’ve taken all these years off. How do I make sure that I feel like I’m confident?”

Well, the answer was, “Let’s act as if you feel confident now. Like, call the college, sign up for a class, and it’s really about the experience so that you can finally feel confident, but you have to take the action first.”

“So what would happen if you felt confident in yourself, what might that first phone call look like when you call the school? You might be asking for information, you might be really clear on, ‘This is what I’d like to do. How do I sign up?’ as opposed to giving them your whole spiel of, ‘I don’t know if I can get through school. I’m not really sure I’m meant to be there.’ If you do all of that, you’re less likely to get what you want.”

Pete Mockaitis
Certainly. All right. Well, let’s maybe zoom out and talk about mental strength, generally. First, what is it and is it learnable, build-able, doable for all of us, as opposed to like a trait like, “Oh, they’ve just got it”?

Amy Morin
Right. So, yeah, mental strength has got three parts to it: the way you think, the way you feel, and the way you behave. And the thinking part is your brain lies to you a lot. It will tell you that you can’t do something. It will overestimate how bad something is going to be, underestimates your ability to cope with it, and it will try to keep you safe.

So it will talk you out of doing anything where you might embarrass yourself or where things might not turn out well. So part of being mentally strong is knowing you don’t have to believe everything you think, and you can be in charge of talking back to the thoughts that aren’t helpful.

And then the other part is your feelings, and again knowing that whatever you feel is okay, but there’s times when your feelings don’t serve you well. If I’m incredibly sad, the last thing I want to do is ask for a raise, because research shows, if I try to negotiate when I’m sad, I’ll take a pretty bad deal and I won’t offer a counteroffer or anything because I’ll be like, “Ugh, my self-esteem can’t handle it.”

So just knowing, “How do I feel today? How might that affect my decisions? And what can I do about it? Maybe I woke up sad, but I don’t have to stay sad. I could choose to do something to boost my mood.” And then the third part is about the action that we take. It’s one thing to say, “Okay, I think positive,” but what are you going to do about it?

And at work, we don’t get paid for thinking positively. Most people get paid for what you produce or what you do. So how do you get through a day when you just don’t feel like doing anything? Or how do you take the positive action when it’s scary?

And I do believe everybody has the ability to build mental strength. Just like you could choose to go to the gym and build bigger biceps, you can certainly choose to build your mental muscle. It’s all about the little choices that you make every single day. And we always have opportunities to build strength when we want to. And I think no matter how strong people are, there’s always room for improvement.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, so how you think, how you feel, and what you do, those three components. What’s intriguing about how you feel is it seems like, also maybe it’s just my own experience, the amount of influence/control I have over how I feel seems to be quite variable.

In that some days, it’s like, “Oh, I’m not motivated. Well, I’ll just do this, and now I’m motivated. That was easy.” And other days, it’s just like, “I’m not motivated.” And I do the things like I remain unmotivated.

And so help us with that. If we’re mentally strong in the dimension of how we feel, just what’s possible for humanity with regard to how much influence we could wield over our feelings?

Amy Morin
Yeah, so I think the first question is to ask, “Is what I’m feeling right now helpful or hurtful?” Or some people say, “Is it a friend or an enemy?” Because we talk so much about emotions as if they’re positive or negative, people will be like, “Well, anger is a negative emotion.” But it’s not.

Like, anger can really help you. Like, it gives you the courage sometimes to speak up for yourself or somebody else. Or, people might think sadness is a negative emotion, but sadness helps you honor something that you’ve lost. So you don’t want to get rid of it.

But again, at the same time, if you’re about to walk into your boss’s office, or you’re about to lead a team meeting and you’re so sad that you have no energy, like, by all means, it’s important to pull yourself out of it so you can do your best.

And we have choices of how we respond to our feelings. Sometimes it makes sense to just sit in them. If I’m sitting on my couch at home on a Friday night and I’m sad, maybe I just allow myself to be sad. But if I’m about to walk into my boss’s office and ask an important question, maybe I need to boost my mood.

And there’s two ways that we can do that. It’s about the way you think or about the actions that you take. So if I’m thinking about all the sad things that have happened in my life, I’ll probably feel sad. So maybe I do something like visit my smile file.

That’s a play from the book, where you just have some like positive pictures, maybe some pictures of what you did last fall, some pictures of your kids, your latest vacation, any pictures that bring a little smile to your face can give you a boost in your mood.

So then it would be my job to know, “Hey, I’m about to lead this team meeting, feeling really low energy and sad. Let me just pull this out for a minute.” I pull out a funny photo of my dog and I start to laugh for a minute, my mood gets a little bit better. We’re not going from a zero to a 10, but maybe I go from like a 2 to at least a 4. So then I feel a little bit better before I walk into that meeting.

And then it’s about what we do as well. So I could spend my lunch break being stressed out about something, staring at my computer and not doing anything, or I could say, “You know what? I’m going to take 15 minutes to go for a walk around the block because I know being in nature and moving my body helps. So that’s what I’m going to do to try to shift my energy before I come back for the rest of the afternoon.”

And I think when we decide that, when an emotion isn’t helpful, we can either change what we think, change what we do, or sometimes a combination of both to make it so that we take a little more charge of our feelings.

And you won’t get rid of those emotions altogether. If you’re anxious about something going on at home, or you’re waiting for a call back from your doctor about some test results and you’re pretty anxious about it, you probably aren’t going to make it disappear, but you might bring it down to a level where you can say, “Okay, I can concentrate on this task right in front of me right now.”

Pete Mockaitis
Understood. Okay, well, we got 50 tools here. Can you share with us what are some faves to shift how we feel? We got the ‘act as if,’ we got the ‘smile file.’ Any other just wildly effective ones that your clients just love?

Amy Morin
So another one is to visit your ‘victory vault.’ We know that when we get rejected for something, it stings. And the problem is, suddenly, your brain will bring up all the other times that you felt that emotion. So maybe I apply for a promotion and I don’t get it.

Suddenly I’m like, “Oh, gosh, I also didn’t get picked for the basketball team in the seventh grade. Three years ago, I applied for a different job. I didn’t get that.” Like, it’ll just bring up all the rejection in your life. And before you know it, you might feel like a loser because you’re remembering every single time in your life you’ve been turned down or passed over or rejected.

So the strategy then is to have a list of some of the biggest victories you have in life. And they don’t even have to be just be professional ones. They can be the personal ones, too. Maybe you advocated for your mom at a doctor’s appointment once and got her the medication that she needed. Like, that is a huge victory in life.

And then you say, “Well, what did you learn from that? Well, I learned I could speak up when it’s important.” Great. That’s a wonderful victory to put in your victory vault list. Or, think of the time when maybe the odds were stacked against you.

Maybe in college, there was a test that you didn’t think you could pass, and maybe nobody else thought you could, too, but you stayed up all night cramming, and, lo and behold, you passed the class, and you learned not to give up.

Or, maybe there was a job that you went for at some point and you knew it was a long shot, but because you showed and you nailed the interview, you got the job. Like, these are all amazing things. But we don’t remember those. We tend to kind of tuck those away and forget about them.

So I think we should all have a written list. It might be a written list on a piece of paper, maybe you keep it on your phone, that you can visit when you’re feeling down, when you’re filled with self-doubt, or when you’ve been rejected, just pull out that list and read it. And there’s something really powerful about seeing this list of, “Here’s the things I’ve actually done in life.”

And it’s written in my own words, because it’s one thing when you have a friend who says, “Oh, no, you can do anything. You’ll get the next job.” This doesn’t quite sit the same as if I look at this list of things that I’ve created and reminded myself, “There’s been times when the odds were against me, or times when the chips were down, times when I really wasn’t expected to rise to the occasion, and look what I did.” Just reminding yourself of that in some of your lowest moments can give you a huge boost.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, I also want to hear, you’ve got some specific tools in the universe of dread. Walk us through some of these.

Amy Morin
So dread is one of those things, right? Like, you dread the meeting on Thursday, and it’s only Tuesday and you’re already thinking about it, and it’s already ruining your Tuesday afternoon because you’re like, “Ugh, it’s going to be terrible, horrible, and awful.”

Or, maybe you dread working with a particular coworker and you spend six hours dreading the meeting, and it’s only a 30-minute meeting. So I think we all need some dread diffusers to make sure that that emotion doesn’t take over the whole day.

Pete Mockaitis
Give us some.

Amy Morin
So sometimes we’ll take, like, the 10-minute rule. That’s one of my favorites. So let’s say I have a report I have to write and it’s really boring. And I don’t want to do it because I know it’s going to be boring. And so in my head I’m like, “Ugh, I have to write that report.” Maybe I put it off for two more days and I’m procrastinating because it just seems like it’s going to be too boring and painful to do.

Use the 10-minute rule, which means I’m going to tell myself, “I’m going to spend the next 10 minutes writing this report. If at the end of 10 minutes, I don’t feel like doing it anymore, I’ll give myself permission to quit.”

And, like, 99% of the time, once you do something for 10 minutes, you’ll be like, “Oh, I’ll keep going now,” because getting started is the hardest part. And we realize it’s not as bad as we thought it was. And we start to build some momentum. And once you start to build some momentum, it’s easy enough to keep going.

And this works with stuff outside the office, too. Maybe you’re like, “Ugh, I should work out today, but I don’t feel like it.” Just decide you’re going to do it for 10 minutes. And then if you get to 10 minutes and it’s really as bad as you expect, quit. But I don’t think you’ll find that very often. Most of the time you’ll say, “I could do it with this for another 10 minutes,” and you keep going.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, I want to hear more of them. You’ve got ‘create the mood,’ ‘behavior bingo,’ ‘curiosity quest.’ Can we hear about them?

Amy Morin
Yeah, well, I’m going to give you one of my other favorites, which is ‘text to motivation buddy.’ This one is, again, for like a task that you’re struggling to do. Maybe you’re procrastinating or you’re just staring at the blank page. You send a message to somebody that you know will hold you accountable.

So maybe you have a friend who will understand or a coworker, or maybe it’s your grandmother. It really doesn’t matter, but you just send a text message and say, “Hey, I’m working on my slide deck. Check in with me in an hour and ask me how it’s going.”

And as soon as you send that message and somebody says, “Hey, I got you,” all of a sudden, you’ve just created a deadline for yourself and some social pressure, but some positive social pressure, because you’re like, “Okay, I really want to have some progress to report back in an hour.”

You will probably get more done in that hour than maybe you did all week because, suddenly, you’re motivated to get to work. And then if the person checks in with you in an hour, you might be like, “Hey, I’m half done,” or, “I got three-quarters of the way through this. I’m going to finish it up.”

It is an amazing strategy that works a lot better than just this vague idea of, “Well, I have an accountability buddy, and we check in every Friday.” That doesn’t work. Most of us need a really short-term objective of, “I have one hour, 60 minutes. The clock is ticking.” You can get way more done in that hour than you probably expect that you can.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s really cool. And having that ticking clock, I really do think is transformational because I’ve had accountability groups and people and experiences and it’s been swell and, you know, meeting weekly or whatnot, and we had these spreadsheets of all these things we were going to do, and say, “Hey, so what happened with your sheet?” But, yeah, zooming way in on one hour amplifies that a whole lot.

Amy Morin
It does. I use this. I’ve used it when I’m writing on the days where I’m like, “Oh, gosh, I got a lot of words to write. Here we are. It’s already 11:00 a.m. and I pretty much haven’t written anything.” I swear if I text somebody, my friend who’s also a writer, and say, ‘Check in with me in an hour,’” suddenly, that next hour, I will get so much more done. It’s amazing what that does to us.

And when it’s somebody that we like to, it’s not like your boss looking over your shoulder to ask what you got done, it’s like, “Hey, I want my friend to be proud of me,” or, “I want this person to congratulate me.” So it’s a different kind of pressure and it can be a really positive way to say, “Yeah, I’m going to get some work done.”

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, that’s cool. And what’s the ‘curiosity quest’?

Amy Morin
So that one is just really when we’re doing something boring, maybe I’m working on a spreadsheet, maybe I’ve done these spreadsheets every week and it’s just one of those things that I hate doing. We know that curiosity is the antidote to dread.

If I decide, “All right, even though I’ve done eight million of these spreadsheets before, and I don’t really learn much when I do it, but what could I learn? Maybe I just learn something about myself. Like, maybe every three minutes, I actually just pick up my phone.”

But I didn’t know that until I got curious to be like, “Well, what do I do? What am I feeling while I’m writing this spreadsheet? How do I handle that emotion? Maybe while I’m doing the spreadsheet, it’s that every 20 minutes, I get up and I take a break and I don’t come back for an hour.”

Sometimes when we get curious about, “What is it I’m doing?” that we then see these patterns that start to break out. Or, you can give yourself a challenge to get curious, too, like, “All right, if it weren’t an option to use my computer, how would I get a spreadsheet like this done?”

You don’t really have to do it on paper, but just in thinking about it, sometimes that opens up new neural pathways and, suddenly, you’re like, “Oh, you know what? I actually found a shortcut or a way that would make this better, or something I hadn’t even thought about.”

Because when we have repetitive tasks, we tend to just do them the same way today as I did yesterday and the day before that, without really looking at any other opportunities or ways to make it easier or even more fun. But if you start asking yourself some questions that help you to get curious, you might find it opens up some new strategies you hadn’t thought of before.

I think any way that we can add curiosity to our lives is going to help us to be more patient and help us to see things just a little bit different than we did before.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Thank you. Well, on to the action side of things, can you tell us about ‘calibrating your state’?

Amy Morin
Yeah, when we are going to do something at a certain task, knowing what state you do it best in is important, but often we have no idea. So we’re talking about our energy level. So if I’m going to lead a team meeting, I kind of want to have some energy for that.

But if I’m going to sit down and, say, edit a boring report, I probably need to be in a bit of a calmer state. Otherwise, if I have tons of energy, I’m just not going to sit still and concentrate. So this one is all about knowing, “What state do I need to be in to do something?”

So we’ll take public speaking. Some people I know like to calm themselves down. They’re backstage meditating and listening to really calming music so that they step out on stage and they feel like they can be present.

But other people, myself included, I’m going to do better if I pump myself up. If I walk out there feeling all calm and zen, one of two things is going to happen. I’m either just going to kind of mumble through my speech.

Or, if I were to get anxiety, then I’m like, “Ah, my anxiety doesn’t quite match that meditation I was just doing. This is terrible, horrible, and awful.” So I do better when I pump myself up. So I’m going to listen to more upbeat music, or I might be the person who’s moving around behind the stage. I’m not going to sit still and meditate.

But if I were to sit down and do a spreadsheet, that’s when I want to say, “Okay, how do I calm my brain and my body a bit so I can focus?” And any task we face, I think we should know like, “What’s the best energy state to be in?” You’re about to make a sales call, like, “What’s the best state? And then how do I get myself in that?”

So for some people, it’s, you know, “I do a couple laps around the office before I make an important sales call.” Or somebody else might say, “You know, I listen to some calming music before I get on a sales call, so I can just really feel like I’m present.” But you don’t know these things until you do some trial and error. But when you do, you figure out what state you perform best in for each task.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, and as you describe state, I’m hearing mostly sort of a level of energy or arousal that’s ideal. But now in my mind’s eye, I’m seeing the How We Feel app with those like 144 beautiful bubbles. It’s totally free. I recommend it, How We Feel app, so good.

So are you thinking about a state primarily in terms of just like energy level low, medium, high, or more precise in terms of, “I want to be curious. I want to be enthusiastic. I want to be thoughtful”?

Amy Morin
For this one, I’m thinking more about your energy state, and so the state of mind. So again, sometimes, clients will be like, “You know, if I do three laps around the building before I make a call, that, like, gets out a little bit of energy, but also makes sure that I’m still, the blood’s still flowing and I’m in a good state for that phone call.”

Somebody else might be like, “You know, I’m actually better off to, like, I water my plants, kind of take a few minutes to myself to get my thoughts together. And then I walk into that meeting and I feel like, ‘Okay, I can be present right now because my desk is cleaned off and I’ve taken care of a few things.’” So it’s really about, I guess, the mental state that you’re in and your energy and arousal level.

Pete Mockaitis

Okie-dokie. And what is a power phrase and how do we activate one?

Amy Morin
So a lot of us have negative thoughts before we walk into a situation. So it might be like, “Ugh, here we go again,” or, “Another performance review, it’s not going to go well.” But if you just have some short power phrase that you give yourself and you put it on repeat in your head, not only does it drown out the negative thoughts, but it can remind you, “It’s okay. Like, I’ve got this.”

And making it in the present is important. So let’s say I’m going to walk into a performance review. I don’t feel all that hopeful. I assume my boss is going to point out lots of transgressions and things that I don’t want to hear. Maybe they’re mean during performance reviews, and I’m thinking, “The last five years have gone terrible, this is going to go bad, too.”

But the more I keep dwelling on that, the worse I feel. The worse I feel, the less likely I am to walk into that performance review and objectively point out, “Here’s the value I’ve added.” So I might be better off to have a power phrase that says something like, “I’ve done amazing things for the company. I can continue to do hard things.” Some sort of a phrase that really empowers me. And I just keep repeating it in my head before I walk into the room.

And then if I’m in the room, my boss is like, “Hey, Amy, we need to talk about these 72 things you did wrong last week,” and I’m about to come out swinging in terms of, like, getting defensive or I’m going to start crying or doing something that’s not helpful in the moment, I just go back to that power phrase, repeat it to myself, remind myself like, “Hey, you’ve got this. It’s okay.” Drown out the negativity and give myself a little boost right when I need it.

Pete Mockaitis
So I’m hearing you say you’ve got this. What are some choice power phrases that have come up for a lot of people?

Amy Morin
So for some people, it’ll be like “I can be brave.” So for people who say, “Ugh, I can’t really ask my boss for a raise,” just telling themselves, “I can be brave,” repeating that over and over as you walk in the room can give them the courage to do it.

Or, for people who are on a sales call and their anxiety is going through the roof, just saying to themselves, “I have value. Things I’m going to say are helpful to them.” Maybe you repeat a phrase like that just as a reminder of, “I’m not a bother. I’m not trying to convince them to do something they don’t want to do, but I’m offering a valuable product,” can remind somebody, “Okay, stay in the present and do your best.”

Pete Mockaitis
And I imagine you want to believe the phrase, like it to be true as opposed to, “I’m a money magnet. Wealth flows to me effortlessly,” style affirmations.

Amy Morin
Yeah, you’re absolutely right. If I, like, wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and I’m like, “Oh, you’re the greatest human being on the planet,” we know from the research that doing that, like coming up with something that seems really far fetched, actually backfires.

It makes us feel worse because repeating something like that over and over feels like a lie, and then I’m like, “Ugh, I don’t really measure up. I’m not actually the best human on the planet.” So you don’t want to do that. You want to come up with something that feels more believable, something actionable and something doable that you can buy into.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, you know, it’s funny, this phrase is so believable and tame. I don’t even know if I can call it a power phrase, and yet, it has been quite powerful for me. Lately, especially when you sort of have a series of losses, you can start to think or believe, like, “Eh, why bother? What’s the point?” in terms of like, “This will just be another thing that doesn’t work out, you know?” which is not a great place to be. My power phrase was, “Sometimes things work out better than you think.”

Amy Morin
Ooh, I like that.

Pete Mockaitis
And I actually wrote down a lot of occasions, like, “Hey, remember when you bought this thing, you didn’t know, you thought maybe I’m going to return it, and you’re like, and you used it almost every day?”

Or, “Hey, remember when you emailed this guy totally out of the blue, and then that turned into, you know, hundreds of thousands of dollars of business over the course of years? So, hey, sometimes things work out better than you think. And it’s just true, and look at all that evidence.” It’s like, “All right. Well, I guess we’ll try this, too. Maybe this will be one of those things.”

And when I’m not fired up. I don’t have high hopes, and yet sometimes things work out better than you think.

Amy Morin
I like that because it’s realistic, right? And then you have the evidence that shows, “Yeah, a lot of times, things I think about aren’t necessarily going to happen or they do work out better.” And I’ve used one for a while, too, which is just like, “I can make it happen.”

And the reason is, like, if I want to complain about something, well, like, “Gee, Amy, do you want to do something about that or do you just want to complain about it?” Or, when I see a problem, like, “Ooh, boy, I don’t think I could do that.” Like, “No, I could make it happen.”

Like, there’s things I could do. Sometimes I choose not to, but just reminds me like, “No, like, there’s action you could take if you wanted to make this better. Maybe it’s not worth it, but if you do want to make it better, make it happen.”

Pete Mockaitis
I’ve been trying to run some judo, if you will, mentally, on dread, resistance, not feeling like it, kinds of things. And I was chatting with AI while watching my children’s karate class because they had a long, very long mission statement about building determination, like, “How does one build determination, Gemini?” So we’re pondering this.

We talked about the anterior mid-singular cortex as a portion of the brain. And when this is stimulated, if people tend to have a feeling, like there’s a growing storm that they’re going to rise to it. And so then I think about your David Goggins-type characters of the world who kind of sort of lean in and embrace the adversity, suffering, unpleasantness of a thing, as a benefit unto itself. Like they are being strengthened by the engaging in the very thing they can’t stand.

And so sometimes, I try to hype myself up with the power phrase in that zone, but it’s more of a power paragraph and it’s clunky. Do you have any advice or experience in this kind of a judo move of, “Yes, you hate that, and that’s why it’s great. So let’s go do it”?

Amy Morin
So there’s another play in the book about give yourself a pep talk. So, whereas, a power phrase is just going to be one sentence, sometimes you need the pep talk, right? And we know from the research that a coach’s halftime speech makes a big difference in how players do in the second half of a game.

If their pep talk is motivational and aspirational, they’re going to do much better than if the coach were to point out all of the mistakes that they made in the first half, they tend to come out and they do worse.

And so we can create our own pep talk and it’s kind of like it doesn’t have to be worthy of, say, a TED Talk, but maybe you do have a longer speech that you give yourself. And I’m not a huge fan of the ones that put you down, like, “Hey, loser, you did it again. Quit messing up,” because I don’t think in the long term that the speeches like that tend to help us.

And I think when that happens, when people say no, like, “A lot of the negativity motivates me,” sometimes it’s more of a deeper rooted self-worth issue. But for most of us, I think, “Yeah, if I just asked myself, like, what would my coach say right now? If I had the world’s best coach sitting next to me, they were to give me a motivational speech, what would they remind me of?”

And if you just give to yourself those same words, that same speech of like, “Okay, this is, you have two hours left to get this report done and you’re four pages shy of where you need to be,” are you going to do it? Like, what would this coach say to you?

And if you really do best with a coach that’s going to, like, yell and scream and motivate, like great. But some of us do better with a coach that would be a little more positive. But to know, “What kind of a coach would motivate me the most?” and then you just give yourself that speech. It can do wonders in how you’re going to perform in the next short-term period.

Pete Mockaitis
Have you seen the Chris Hemsworth video “You Need,” which is like a one-minute of him just saying, “Hey, you’re beautiful, you’ve got this, you’re amazing,” just unabashedly bringing it. It’s a treat. We’ll link it in the show notes.

Amy Morin
Okay, because I haven’t seen it, but I’ll have to check it out, too.

Pete Mockaitis
And, yeah, it’s a fun one. But, you’re right, when it’s coming from you to you, like in a reality way with your own words, it’s not silly. It’s not, you know, Disney Sports Movie magic. It’s like, “Hey, you know what, yeah, that kind of, yeah, kind of you’re making some sense here, Pete, yeah.

Amy Morin
And there’s some research, too, if you were to write it down. So let’s say I’m just going to, like, write a kind letter to myself. I could do this exercise today. So for the next time I’m feeling kind of low in life, I just write maybe a paragraph that’s all, “Okay, Amy, chips have been down before, but you’ve been able to rise to the occasion. You’ve been through hard times. It’s okay, you’ll get through this, too.”

And this paragraph, I write it down on a piece of paper, maybe I just tuck it in my purse or I put it in my pocket, put it in my desk drawer. I’m training my brain, “Hey, this way of thinking actually matters and it’s important to me. Like, the self-compassion or the kind words that I’m giving myself, those matter and they’re important to me.”

And then I’m more likely to think in a more self-compassionate and kind way. Because there’s another play in the book that’s the opposite of it, which is ‘take out the mental trash.’ So in a day when I’m like, “Ah, I am such a loser. I can never do anything right. Things are going horribly,” all of those thoughts are going to drag me down. But to tell myself, “Well, just don’t think about that,” actually doesn’t help.

But if you get it out of your head and you write it down on a piece of paper, and then you literally throw the piece of paper away, or if you’re in an open office, maybe you just cross it out with a Sharpie, and instead of crumpling it up, but you throw it away, you’re teaching your brain, “I actually don’t value this way of thinking,” and you’re less likely to continue to have those same negative and unhelpful thoughts.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s good. Well, Amy, tell us, is there any tool which is just too good to not mention?

Amy Morin
If I were to bring up one more, I would say, if you are a worrier, one of the most important things you could do to reduce your worrying is to actually schedule time to worry. And it sounds so far-fetched, but there’s research behind it that if you set aside 20 minutes a day to worry, and you actually put it in your calendar, so maybe I worry during my lunch break, 12:00 to 12:20, or maybe I worry from 7:00 to 7:20 in the evening.

And whenever I worry outside of that window, I’m going to tell myself, “It’s not time to worry about that yet. I’ll worry about that later.” And at first, your brain is going to keep pinging you about these things, “No, no, worry, worry, worry.”

But the more that it does that, that’s just more proof that this is a great play for you, “I’m going to worry about that later.” And then when your worry time comes around, you sit down, maybe you write down your worries, maybe you just sit and think. But the goal is to worry as much as you can for 20 minutes. And then you get up and you go do something else. Distract yourself to get your mind off of it.

The therapy clients I do this with will often look like the weight of the world has literally been lifted off of their shoulders within about two weeks. And they’ll say, “You know, gosh, I used to worry like 24/7. Or, even when I was working on a task, I had these worries that were always in the background, kind of nagging at my attention or pinging me all the time.”

“And now my brain trusts me, like, ‘Hey, I’m going to worry about it, I just can’t do it right now.’ And it stopped like trying to get my attention all the time, because before I was trying to push those worries down or I was entertaining them constantly, thinking if I worried enough that I’d make it go away.”

So for anybody that worries a lot, and maybe it’s about something specific, maybe you have something in your life, and maybe it’s a real problem, maybe your spouse has a health issue and you find yourself worrying about it all the time. Or maybe you just worry, in general, about everything, the economy, your kids, the family, whatever else is going on.

Either way, this strategy can work and it can work wonders. It’ll take a little while. The first couple of days you’re going to think, “This doesn’t work” but that probably means it is working. If you stick with it, you can literally contain your worrying to 15 or 20 minutes a day.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s so cool, and I’ve heard this advice before, and I’m making a connection here. I’m thinking about David Allen, a guest of the show, awesome dude, of “Getting Things Done.” He mentions that when we’ve got a lot of stuff to do, our brain keeps popping that, pinging us with that in terms of, “Oh, you got to do thing.” It’s like, “Yeah, I can’t do anything about that right now.”

And yet when you have a trusted external system where you’ve listed your projects, your next action that’s out there, it’s up to date, you trust it, and you review it regularly, there’s this tremendous peace that comes like that’s just handled.

And so, in a way, this seems like a similar phenomenon, specifically in the zone of worries. And I guess maybe “How am I going to get all my things done?” isn’t one large category of worries, if you will. So that’s intriguing.

And I’d like to know, during this scheduled worry time, because many of us have never actually proactively worried, it just sort of pops up, it’s like, “Okay, now is my worry time. I’m sitting down. All right.” What do I do when I’m proactively worrying?

Amy Morin
So for some people, they’ll have a journal, and they’ll just jot everything down, “I’m worried about the economy. I’m worried about whether I have enough money. I’m worried about my mother,” and that helps them.

Other people just want to like sit and be like, “Let me just put my head in my hands and just think.” And people that do that, it’s often about one thing. Like, maybe you’ve got an adult child with a substance abuse problem and you want to worry about it, “I can’t fix it, but let’s just worry about it for 20 minutes.”

And they might find that they worry about the same things every single evening. That’s fine. Other people say, “You know, my brain kind of drifts. Maybe I’m worried about that, but then I start to worry about money or my own health or something like that, too.” So I think you can either write it down or just sit and worry.

Occasionally, I have somebody who says that they have somebody in their life that they’ll just speak their worries to out loud, but they’ll make a deal, like, with the other person, “I don’t want you to fix it. I don’t want you to validate it. I don’t even want you to say anything. I just want you to sit there for 15 minutes, and I’m going to basically spill all my worries on you, and then we’re going to move on.” And I’ve had people that will say that works, too.

Pete Mockaitis
Cool. All right. Well, Amy, now could you share with us a favorite quote, something you find inspiring?

Amy Morin

I would say one of my favorites is probably from my women’s book is, “Be the kind of woman who fixes another woman’s crown without ever telling the world that it was crooked.”

Pete Mockaitis
Lovely. And a favorite study or experiment or bit of research?

Amy Morin
So I really like the research study that shows – it’s probably because I’m becoming middle aged myself – the research that showed that when they took people who were aging, older men, and they put them in a house together and they kind of reset time, like they rewound the clock to make all the decorations and everything to like the ‘50s, and they had them just talking, like, news stories and everything like they were back years ago, all of a sudden, their physical health improved.

People didn’t need canes. They were like tossing a football around and, like, life changed all because they no longer started treating themselves like they were older. And for some reason, I just love that study. That a lot of, I think, our aging and our thoughts about what happens to us as we age has a lot to do with our state of mind.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And a favorite book?

Amy Morin
I just read the book Platonic and I absolutely loved it.

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, yeah. She was on the show. She’s great.

Amy Morin
Yeah, I love her.

Pete Mockaitis
And a favorite tool? We’ve been through a lot of them.

Amy Morin
Yeah, if I were to pick, say, just one more tool from the book, I’m going to say ‘go for the gold.’ You know, when you walk into a room, you can either think, “Ugh, I hope I don’t embarrass myself,” or you walk in and say, “I hope I crush this.” So if I were to pick a tool, I’d say, ‘go for the gold.’ Walk in the room and say, “I’m going to crush this.”

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And do you have a favorite habit?

Amy Morin
So I run almost every day, but I don’t run, like, long distance. I run a timed mile as fast as I can, and then my goal is to do it even faster tomorrow.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s cool. Do you warm up first?

Amy Morin
You know, I don’t. I just go from walking outside to a dead sprint. Probably not recommended, but here we are.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, it’s so fun. Well, when it comes to exercise, I don’t know. I don’t want to, you know, shame or advise anyone on anything because, for me, it’s like, “Oh, I finally found a groove. Don’t touch it. Don’t. This is working. Don’t do a thing different. I’ve been doing exactly this because it’s working. And a lot of things have not worked.” A lot of gym memberships, not made good use of financially, etc. So do the thing.

Amy Morin
The best exercise is the one you will stick with.

Pete Mockaitis
Certainly. And is there a key nugget you share that people really dig, they retweet at conferences and such?

Amy Morin
So there’s, I guess, from my first book, I said that we make our best decisions when our emotions and our logic are in check. And that one seemed to resonate with people that, yeah, you can either reduce your emotional intensity, you can raise your logic, but to make sure that they’re in some kind of balance if you want to make a good choice.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And if folks want to learn more or get in touch, where would you point them?

Amy Morin
My website, which is called AmyMorinLCSW, as in Licensed Clinical Social Worker, dot com. And on it, you’ll find info on all seven of my books, my TEDx Talk, and my podcast, which is called Mentally Stronger with therapist Amy Morin.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And do you have a final challenge or call to action for folks looking to be awesome at their jobs?

Amy Morin
You know, I think, at the end of the day, there’s a lot of things you can’t control about your job, about what your boss did, about the economy, but the one thing you can control is if you grew mentally stronger.

So if we just asked ourselves, at the end of the day, “What did I do today to grow mentally stronger?” you’ll be able to pinpoint something that you did, and it will give you hope for tomorrow and remind you of what you do have control over.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. Amy, thank you.

Amy Morin
Ah, thanks for having me. It’s been a pleasure.