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247: Thriving in High-Pressure Situations with Eddie Davila

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Eddie Davila says: "Pressure is a gift. You don't give pressure to somebody unless you trust them, unless they have a history of success."

Professor Eddie Davila discusses how to identify, view, handle, and thrive amidst pressure at work.

You’ll Learn:

  1. Why pressure is really an honor and a gift
  2. What to do when you get stressed in low-pressure situations
  3. How to use stress to prep for high-pressure situations

About Eddie 

Eddie Davila is a faculty member in Arizona State University’s highly ranked supply chain management program.  At ASU he teaches over 3000 students per year in person and online.  He has a 12-part intro to supply chain management series on Youtube that has over 3 million hits.  It is actually the top ranked item on youtube when you search supply chain.  And more recently he has developed multiple courses in business and stats for LinkedIn Learning.

Items Mentioned in this Show:

Eddie Davila Interview Transcript

Pete Mockaitis
Eddie, thanks so much for joining us here on the How To Be Awesome At Your Job podcast.

Eddie Davila
Thank you, Pete. Thanks for having me.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, could we start off by hearing a little bit about your theater background?

Eddie Davila
Okay. So, I’m a person that gets bored pretty easily. I was in engineering and I started off I liked it and got kind of bored, and I went to work for a little while. I got my Masters in Business. And by the time I got to my second year I was starting to get bored again. I really started to worry like, “What am I going to do with my life? What’s going to happen?”

And one of my friends was having sort of the same ridiculous existential crisis at 25 or whatever, and we started thinking like, “What would you be good at?” We’re kind of playing this off each other. And then somehow maybe we had one too many beers, we started playing the, “Well, what would you not be good at?”

And then my friend said to me, “Oh, one thing you’d be horrible at is you’d be really bad at theater.” And I said, “Really?” And it actually made sense. In general, I was a very quiet, a very shy person, very introverted. And so my friend said, “Yeah, you’d be horrible at that.” And something about the way he said it, and something inside of me said, “Would I be horrible at that? Is this something I could actually do?”

And, again, I was going back from my second year of graduate school and so I went and asked somebody, “Can I actually take classes with undergrads, an intro to theater class?” And they’re like, “Well, nobody has ever done that but I think you can. You paid your tuitions so you can take any additional classes you want.”

All right, I showed up, I looked relatively young for my age, and everybody just thought I was sort of a freshman or a sophomore. First of all, I realized, “Oh, I’m shy but I’m shy because it’s much more difficult for me to talk to one person at a time than it is to talk to lots of people.” And I didn’t really know that, I just thought, “Well, if you’re shy, you’re shy.”

And the theater training made me realized, “Oh, I’m actually okay with lots of people because it’s easier for me to just sort of concentrate on what I’m doing in that moment.” And the teacher actually came up to me after a couple of weeks and said, “You’re pretty good at this. You should consider making this your major.”

I remember telling her that because she looked at me in kind of horror. Well, I replied to her, “Look, I can’t. I’m not a freshman or a sophomore. I’m actually in graduate school and I’m getting a business degree.” And she said, “Oh, why are you doing that? You’re wasting your life.” She’s like, “You should be here with us.”

It was so kind of nice but extremely nice because she really felt like I might be able to do something in that area. Anyway, I kind of listened to her and I said, “I’m going to try out for a play.” I’d never tried out for a play. Never. Ever, ever. And I tried out and I actually got into a play on campus, actually two in that final semester, that I was here for my graduate degree.

And I learned a lot about myself, and I mean that plays very well into what we’re talking about here today, the high pressure, because I was really scared and I didn’t know if I was going to be any good, I didn’t know if I was going to be embarrassed, I didn’t know what my colleagues, my fellow students were going to say. I think I actually kept it from a number of them for a while. But that’s one of the most formative things I’ve ever done in my life.

When I look back at my life I realize, “So I have an engineering degree, I have a business degree, I have some theater training,” and I thought to myself, “Wow, that’s a weird combination.” And, in a way, I felt like I was never going to use all three of them, and now I lecture in front of students on supply chain management.

And what I realized, it’s like, “Holy cow, I’m using the business, the engineering, the problem-solving techniques and the theater every single day.” So it’s one of those things where you try things and you never know what’s going to be important and you never know how it’s going to sort of transform you.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, that’s cool. That’s cool. Thank you for sharing that. And I do want to get into it when we talk about high-pressure situations. And so, maybe to orient us a little bit, what do you mean by a high-pressure situation? And I think you have a useful distinction between stress and pressure to orient us here.

Eddie Davila
Okay. So, first thing is what is pressure? Again, sort of the engineer in me sort of looks at this and says, “Well, in physics what is pressure?” Pressure is when a force is applied on some object for some period of time. And very often there’s these connections between the physical world and the sort of the more intangible and abstract world, and that’s exactly sort of what’s happening in high-pressure situations.

There is pressure being applied, there is force being applied, and in this case, it’s a high-pressure situation. First of all, just a pressure situation is when there’s a desired outcome or some expected outcome and it’s actually applying pressure. It’s sitting on top of you. It’s asking, “Do you have enough time to do this? Do you have the resources to do this? Do you have the skills to do this?”

And if the expectations are extremely high, if the project’s desired outcomes are extremely difficult, well, then you know that you have a high-pressure situation. One thing that I do try and tell people at times is high-pressure situations are very often seen as sort of a negative thing. Pressure is a gift. Pressure is something. You don’t give pressure to somebody unless you trust them, unless they have a history of success, unless you see something very special in them.

So, when this pressure is being applied on you, it means that there’s something special about you, somebody believes in you, or you yourself believe in yourself enough to take something you on. So, I think, for me, that’s the very first part of this, the idea that, “What is a pressure situation?” A pressure situation is outcomes and desires pushing against you.

And the difference between pressure and stress, well, pressure is when, again, you have the situation of somebody else has outcomes that they want from you. Stress is internal pressure. It’s all of the outcomes and all the expectations but then you start to have fear and anger start coming in.

Job security, “Oh, if I don’t do this well I’m going to lose my job.” Confusion, “If I don’t get this done right, I don’t know what might happen. I don’t know if I can…” So, it’s when all the emotions start to creep in, that’s stress. And those things, a lot of that isn’t real, and if it is real then it’s a bigger situation and one that some of that stuff is just not manageable.

One of the kind of interesting things I’ve noticed over the last couple of years is I was lucky enough to get to teach a freshman class. Usually I teach big giant classes of juniors and seniors, but they let me teach a freshman class. And in that freshman class it was a group of honor students, so these were the top student coming out of high school, there was really nobody better than the ones taking this class, and the class was on competition.

So, the first day of class I bring them in. By the way, one thing I learned about these people is that they are the highest performers, the very best people that are coming to our university. I’ve never met so many people that are so afraid. I’ve never met people that are so fragile. These are supposed to be our best students, and they just couldn’t take it.

And the reason why was because they’d actually probably circumvented pressure situations. What I did in that class the very first day, I sit them down, and there’s only 10 or 15 of them, so I said, “Wait, wait, wait. We’re going to go around in a circle here. And what we usually do in a class, tell us who you are, tell us a little about yourself. You got 45 seconds or a minute to talk about these things.”

And they were all kind of a little bit bored, like, “Oh, we do this in every class.” And I said, “Well, we’re going to change the rules here. What we’re going to do is at the end of class we’re going to rank every person who introduced themselves from first to last.” And the look on their face was just, “Uh-oh, we’re in trouble.”

Pete Mockaitis
What about criteria? What makes you first versus last?

Eddie Davila
That’s the thing. They had to learn that there is no criteria, that every single person gets to make up their mind. Maybe somebody finds you friendly, somebody finds you cheery, somebody finds you intelligent. There is no way to figure this out. And, to me, the crazy thing about this was, “What were the stakes here?” Nothing.

I wasn’t giving them a grade. What’s the worst thing that’s going to happen? People are going to find out that you were 15 out of 15, and people are going to walk out of this room and nobody is going to care, and yet they were so broken and stressed by this. By the way, I did this every week. So, every week there was a new competition.

“Next week, bring me a resume, and we’re going to rank the resumes from first to last.” “Next week we’re going to interview the students in front of their peers and pick out which of the four people that day we were going to hire.” So, again, throwing them into high-pressure situations, or what they thought were high-pressure situations every day, the thing that they learned, believe me, the first time I did it, I didn’t know if it was going to be Lord of the Flies in there or if it was going to be something transformative.

Pete Mockaitis
“The chancellor gets a letter about you.”

Eddie Davila
Yes, believe me, I thought, I’m like in today’s environment, the way that parents are, I’m like, “I don’t know what’s going to happen here but let me make this my little experiment.” And so I did that. After like three weeks they were fine. They were fine. First of all, they realized, like, “Oh, losing is not a big deal.”

And actually nobody really focuses on the bottom end. People focus on the people that are good. So many time we think of everyone like, “People are stupid. People are stupid.” They start to realize, “Oh, people are smart.” “She’s really good at writing.” “He’s really good in front of the camera.” It was so nice for them to realize that these pressure situations were a gift, an opportunity for them to sort of get over themselves and maybe even learn something from other people.

So, I think, to me, again, the more often you can do something like that the better you’re going to be able to assess a high-pressure situation, figure out what’s real and not real, and then from there sort of prosper in that situation and maybe in situations that come afterwards.

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, I love that – what’s real, what’s not real – because I think that, in some ways the illusion or the myth, the phantom, really causes a lot of damage because, I guess, I’m thinking some people put unnecessary pressure on themselves maybe to answer emails like immediately. And then there’s a cost associated with your ability to focus and get in a good flow state and do some great, clever, creative deep work, and you sort of compromise it if that’s kind of how you’re rocking and rolling with your email inbox.

And so, then, you’re saying that you want to make that distinction by getting really clear on, “What are the stakes? Who are the stakeholders? The consequences, what really happens if we win or if we lose.” And so, then, I’m wondering, it sounds like one way to better make the distinction is just to have a few experiments and experiences of fake pressure and real pressure to draw the distinction. But if you find yourself kind of freaking out unnecessarily and stressing in a low-pressure situation, what are some pro tips to getting your head right?

Eddie Davila
First of all, it sounds so silly and so stupid, but take stock. Think it through, “What happens if I fail?” Really, like just think it out, “If this email doesn’t get sent right now, what’s going to happen?” When you think about it, you’re like, “Wow, my boss will probably be happy that they had one fewer email today,” or, “My boss is going to see me in the hall and say, ‘Hey, did you get that email out?’ ‘Oh, no, I’ll do that later today.’”

Unfortunately, we feel as though everybody thinks that we’re the most important part of everyone else’s life. And when you think about it, you go, “You know what? When somebody doesn’t send me an email, most of the time I don’t really care. When they make a little mistake in their email, it’s not a big deal. If they here five minutes late, well, you know, I wish they were here on time, but we move on.”

When we start to avoid even the smallest inconveniences, the things that maybe make us feel a little uncomfortable, we’re really weakening ourselves and we’re not allowing ourselves to sort of be the best versions of ourselves. The other thing is, and this isn’t easy for everybody. This idea of taking stock, sometimes the things that are so simple and they sound so common sense, it takes practice.

It takes practice because, first of all, you have to every single time you get into that situation you have to go, “Okay, time to take stock.” Second, you have to be available to give the obvious and maybe not so-obvious answers. And for some folks they might say, “Well, are we diminishing everything?” And I go, “You know what? Not caring is sometimes an important skill that you need to have. You can’t care about everything all the time in every moment.”

I really like what you said earlier that this begins to take away our focus from being the best versions of ourselves. It takes away the focus of, “What am I supposed to be doing in this moment and why am I doing it?” The other thing, one of my friends long ago, he said, “Think about your past failures.” So many of us, we stress about failing, and when we think about it, at the end of the day most of us haven’t experience any significant failures.

It’s often very hard to come up with a list of your two to five biggest failures. We move on from those things and so does everybody else. So, again, the more used you are to getting into high-pressure situations the more you’re going to sort of say, “Oh, this is just another little failure. I can move on.”

Another thing, though, to sort of deal with this, those are for simple things. Sometimes you’re on a bigger project, and how can you sort of begin to manage pressure for yourself? Sometimes you have to manage your manager. Remember, the pressure is coming from outcomes, desired outcomes and expectations. So, if you talk this out with your manager, and say, “These are the things that are causing me stress,” or, “Do you think if this doesn’t go well, how is this going to happen?”

So often, I think, we miscalculate the amount of pressure that’s actually on us. So, verbalizing these things, having a discussion with your manager, having a discussion with the people on your team, you start to go, “Oh, wait. I can do this,” or, “I was totally projecting expectations and desires that they weren’t even thinking about.” And it allows you to sort of scope your projects or you’re better able to handle it.

Pete Mockaitis
Excellent. Thank you. Well, so then, I’m curious, you have some of those perspectives when it comes to scoping things out and taking stock, so I’d like to get some of your pro tips on sort of when you have zeroed in, “Okay, we got a high-pressure situation unambiguously, legitimately, authentically it’s there.” What are some of the top things that we should do, and particularly when it comes to managing the expectations and setting your plans and those kinds of things?

Eddie Davila
A few things that I think are important to do. I think everything in business starts out with stakeholders and goals. So, even before we start doing any planning, I think sometimes we jump to planning even too early. Planning is vital. It’s maybe the most important thing that you’re going to do in tackling this. But before we even get there we have to know what we’re planning for.

So, identifying the stakeholders, identifying your goals for each stakeholder, that’s going to ground you. So, I think in one example that I’ve used before is let’s say that all of a sudden – and this is not a significantly high-pressure situation but for some people it might be – your spouse calls you up, and they say, “I’m bringing home five people for dinner tonight, and you have three or four hours to get the whole thing ready.”

We feel an immense amount of pressure because we don’t want to disappoint people, we want to make sure that things are done well. But you got to stop and say, “Alright. So, who are the stakeholders? There’s my spouse, there are the people that I’m bringing over, and, of course, I’m a stakeholder as well because I’m going to be part of this event.”

And then you say to yourself, “Well, what does each stakeholder want?” Again, sometimes we project too much. Everything needs to be perfect. Everything needs to be done. And you go, “You know what? When I go to somebody’s house, I just want to sit down, have a reasonable meal and have a good time.

I’m happy. Again, though, you have your spouse, they’re bringing people over, and they just want them to have a good time. Maybe your spouse is going to have their own things that they’re trying to accomplish, so you simply making that atmosphere positive is going to be a great thing.

And, for you, again, this is your spouse’s work friends, colleagues, and you’re not necessarily the most important person in that situation so just creating an atmosphere is important. And once you do that, you say, “All right. So, I understand my role, I understand my spouse’s role, I understand the guests who are coming over. And it seems, as though, the theme for tonight is relax, have reasonable food. If I can do those two things, then I’m a success.”

Not only have you sort of scoped your project, made it more reasonable and it doesn’t have to be perfect, you now have what I like to use as these comfort words. You have these words that allow you to sort of focus all the time. When things get tough in any project – projects are always looking for more resources, more time, more money, more people – and there’s going to come a point in a project, in a high-pressure situation where you say to yourself, “Okay, should I do A or should I do B? Should I go out and buy more ingredients, better ingredients? Should I stay at home and figure out what we have here?”

And in those moments, those comfort words, those words of focus are getting you to say, “You know what? If I go out, I’m just trying to create a comfortable and relaxing atmosphere this evening.” That’ll guide you to making the right decision in those pressure moments. Again, so often we blow this whole thing up, making it so big, unmanageable, “Oh, it’s all about comfort. It’s all about relaxing. It’s all about fun. I now know what to do.”

And I think the other thing that you want to do, that’s for something that some high-pressure situations just fall upon you in the moment and you’ve got to get them done in minutes or hours. When you have a long-term project, something that’s not going to happen for – you’re giving a big presentation in a few weeks, in a few months, you’re putting together a project, I think one thing that you need to do for those is practice with stress. And by stress, I mean give yourself some outline, “I got to do this presentation and I have to do it as fast as I can. I have to do it as slow as I can.”

What would happen if the technology stopped working on that day? What happens if the president of the company shows up that day? Playing through all those scenarios and your ability to cope with pressure, that goes right back to this idea of, “How much strength do you have to cope with the pressure?”

The more things you can do that are out of the ordinary that are difficult for you, it’s building up your strength. And by the time you get there, the day of the pressure situation will, hopefully, be the easiest day you had because you’ve practiced going slow, going fast, doing it with technology, with more people than you thought would show up, with fewer people, you’ve pretty much exhausted everything. And, hopefully, at that point you go, “You know what? This wasn’t too bad. I had a lot harder time on this a few weeks ago. Today was the easiest and the best day I’ve had so far.”

Pete Mockaitis
I like that when you say comfort words, and I really do feel comforted. And then I think that when you’re talking about perfection in the dinner gathering example, like I think there’s all sorts of pressure can come about just in terms of like cleaning, like everything must be spotless everywhere, that’s a way to drive yourself nuts.

But, really, I guess the standard for clean is way, way lower when you’ve got your comfort words associated with a comfortable calm, relaxing, fun evening. It’s like, “Well, as long as nothing is just disgustingly unsettlingly filthy we’re going to be okay.”

Eddie Davila
Yeah, and who wants to go to a house where the person that’s supposed to be entertaining you is so focused on these tiny details. You really take yourself out of the moment. You’re no longer in the moment, you’re now focused. You’re still preparing for the event while the event is actually taking place.

Again, all the preparations, everything should’ve been done before, now you’re just managing things and making sure that they go to completion. And, again, having those comfort words says, “Oh, what am I supposed to be doing right now? I’m supposed to be having fun. I’m supposed to be relaxed. That’s what you’re supposed to be doing.”

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, you’re bringing me back to some fond memories of just a few years I had some three awesome roommates at a place we called The Strat because it was on Stratford Place, and we had a nice run of doing some New Year’s Eve parties. And they were so much work in putting this together. We might like have a hundred people show up and it’s a three-bedroom, three-bathroom spacious. Good times, Chicago living.

And I remember it would often happen that folks, when they would start showing up, and it’s like, “Oh, my gosh, not everything is ready yet.” And then over after maybe three years of this, I just decided, “Okay. Well, my rule is as soon as I’m aware that a couple of my favorite people are going to appear, I’m going to take a shower like 20 minutes before that, and that’s when I’m done. I’m no longer a worker. I am now a party-er, and that’s that.”

Eddie Davila
Yeah, and I’m sure how many of those people right now are going, “You know what? I still remember that party, and there was that thing on the floor in the corner. Oh, it was horrible.” Nobody. Nobody cares. Again, we inflate the importance of everything so often, and sometimes you can be a little too casual and go, “Well, nothing really matters.” But at the end of the day there are not that many things that matter in the moment.

And so, if you can identify those one or two things and go, “This is about me having fun at my New Year’s Eve party,” then you’ve made life so much more relaxing for you, and actually you’re now a guide for all the people that are partaking. It’s like, “Oh, he’s the leader, he’s doing that, that’s what I should be doing at this moment as well.”

Pete Mockaitis
Perfect. Okay, so, excellent. Well, I’m glad we really spent the time there, thank you, in terms of zeroing in on stakeholders and goals, and what really, really matters, and just kind of chilling out about a lot of the rest. So, once that global worldview has been established, what’s sort of the next thing that we should be thinking through?

Eddie Davila
I think, for me, it’s about this idea of, one example I like to use when I talk about managing pressure situations is, “Who are some people that are in a pressure situation all the time?” And a surgeon, that’s high pressure. You have somebody’s life on the line every day, or you have their health on the line to a certain degree.

Let’s say that you’re the person getting operated on. Are you hoping that that surgeon comes in very stiff, very overcome with what’s going on at home? Are you hoping that they’ve practiced this so many times that they’re just going to be on autopilot? Well, no, we want that person to be, again, in the moment, happy, confident. We want to make sure that they’re ready to not just do this the way they’ve done it every time but to make sure that they understand that every situation is different and they’re open to things changing along the way.

So, I always tell people, “When you’re entering a high-pressure situation, you need to be the surgeon in the moment. Confident, happy, in the moment, ready to take on whatever is going to happen in that moment.” And the other thing I think that’s so important, as the high-pressure situation begins to come on, own it. Just own that moment.

Remember, high-pressure situations, they are a gift. Not everybody gets the opportunity to actually do this difficult thing that you’ve been asked to do so you got to wear this as an honor, and you have to say to yourself, especially if it’s a presentation, if it’s a big giant interview that everybody would want, you got to say to yourself, “You know what? I owe this to myself, and I owe this to all of my friends, and I owe this to everybody to be excited about this. To look excited about this. I want to make sure that years from now I will think back on this and go, ‘That was a great moment in my life.’”

And it could be a great moment because you succeeded, but it could be a great moment because, again, a lot of us if we think back in our lives, the best things that happened to us were those moments of catastrophic failure where we said, “Oh, I need to change my ways, I need to change my behavior, I need to learn something.” So, take this as the honor that it is.

And another thing I think that folks need to think about in high-pressure situations, because everybody is different. You’ve got to know who you are. And different people are motivated by different things. Some people are motivated by money, some people are motivated by power. I’m not necessarily too ashamed to say this, I’m motivated by fear and shame. And I think a lot of people are. Fear and shame are the things that make you shower every day, dress well, be prepared for work.

I think owning a little bit of that and putting yourself in a situation where you’re scared, and putting yourself in a situation where you could be shamed, you’re a fighter, we’re humans, we want to survive. You’re going to find parts of yourself that you’ve never even knew existed when you open yourself up to taking on situations where you could have, where you could be really embarrassed. I think we should all be looking for opportunities to be a little embarrassed every once in a while because, again, you’re going to find parts of yourself that you didn’t know existed.

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, man. I love that perspective, and you’re bringing me back to, man, I’m thinking about high school. I participated in a club called Future Problem Solvers, and we put together a presentation to unveil the solution we had generated for the problem. And I remember it was just so lame, the presentation. Because, I mean, I don’t even know.

It was very uncomfortable and I think we were so red afterwards, but it didn’t really matter much, and I just had that sense even in high school. It’s like, “You know, that was pretty terrible of a performance and just kind of goofy and embarrassing and did not really land at all well like we had it hoped and imagined and thought of for the judges and the audience.” But even then, I had the sense that, “This is somehow good for us.”

And so I’m reassured that you have affirmed that because it creates, on the one hand, I guess humility being part of the same root word – humiliation – and as well as more kind of context associated with what is high pressure and what’s not, as well as resilience, I survived that and nothing terrible happened, as well as lessons learned like, “Oops, make sure to do this differently.” It’s win, win, win,

Eddie Davila
You know, I’ll give you an example. Here at work, we have an annual, and it’s crazy that we do this, we have an annual lip synch contest here in the College of Business at ASU. And one year, and this was in the weeks or months after Hamilton, the musical, came out, I decided I was going to do a Hamilton song. Now, at this point, nobody had heard of Hamilton, and nobody had heard of any of the songs. I’ve decided to do one.

And so, this is me, faculty member, most of the people who were doing this weren’t faculty. I decided to do it, and first of all it was terrifying and I knew I could be shamed because people are going to see me in a different way afterwards if I screwed this up. And it went well but not perfectly, and it was somewhat shameful and embarrassing.

But you know what? Here’s another thing that happens. People looked at me the next day like I had a superpower because they were looking at me like, “I can’t believe you actually decided to do this song that nobody had ever heard of, to go up there to make a fool of yourself, and to sort of survive it on the other end.” People didn’t care about the stupid things I did and how well or how poorly it went, they just sort of saw me in this completely different way.

It’s actually one of the coolest experiences I’ve had in the last few years where I just remember that and going, every time I walk into an office for the next two months people looked at me in a way I’d never seen before, and they were happier and they were excited. And I just thought, “Wow, that was a great experience and everything that came after was even better.”

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, that is powerful. Thank you. Eddie, tell me, is there anything else you really want to make sure to mention before we shift gears and talk about some of your favorite things real quick?

Eddie Davila
Just I’d say if you got to kind of sum it up here very quickly, every time you get into a pressure situation, see it as an opportunity. Don’t look at it as a burden. Make sure that you assess the situation because very often we miscalculate all the things that are, “Is this actually a lot of pressure on me? Or is it a little bit less than I thought?”

I think another thing I want to tell people is have a physical escape. When you’re in the middle of a pressure situation, what sometimes happens is – I always like to think that our brain has a big giant hand, and sometimes that hand grabs our entire body, makes it stiff, takes away our energy, takes away our breath.

And having some physical escape, something that in the days, in the moments, in the hours before your high-pressure situation do something extremely strenuous. It basically will exhaust the brain, it’ll release the body and you’ll be able to relax. And I guess the other thing is be a pressure junkie. So, I think those are my big things. Seek it out.

Pete Mockaitis
Now when you say strenuous, can you give us a couple examples?

Eddie Davila
Strenuous? Well, for me, I’m a yoga freak. I do the hardest yoga I can do, and the reason why is because, first of all, I was horrible at it, I’m still not great at it, and by going in there it pushes me to do things that my body really can handle sometimes and there’s something that’s kind of exciting about that, something frustrating.

Again, just I understand that I am a fear and shame, I’m motivated by those things. So, I’m looking for the hardest classes with the best people in them, and I always go to the front of the class because somewhere in my brain I’m thinking, and this is false, “Everybody is looking at me. When I screw up, everybody is going to laugh at me.”

And all of that, all the work, physical, all the mental work, it drains my brain of the 55 things that are supposed to be running through it in the moments before a big presentation or in the moments that I’m trying to make a big sale to some organization. It makes my brain stop and go, “Wait a second. You should be breathing right now. You shouldn’t be thinking about the 50 things that are going on in this brain. Let it go. Relax. You’re going to be fine.”

Pete Mockaitis
Awesome. Thank you. Well, now could you share with us a favorite quote, something you find inspiring?

Eddie Davila
All right. So, I’m the kind of person that likes to walk into a room and say the odd thing, again, even if it’s a little embarrassing. So, I always think back to General George Patton, “If everyone is thinking alike, then someone isn’t thinking.” So, the more I walk into a room and everybody is agreeing with something, the more it forces me. And sometimes even if I agree with it, it forces me to think, “Well, what are we not thinking about? It can’t be this simple. We must be missing something.”

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And how about a favorite book?

Eddie Davila
Favorite book. I love Complications. It’s a book by Atul Gawande. It’s actually called Complications: A Surgeon’s Notes on an Imperfect Science. And Gawande is a writer for The New Yorker. He’s also a surgeon himself, and he’s taught surgery, and he has a bunch of great stories in there about, “How do you train a surgeon?”

And some of the basic ideas of when a surgeon says that they’re practicing medicine and they’re practicing it on you, which is a little scary. I actually tell this to people all the time, I highly recommend this book to everyone unless you’re going to the hospital in the next month, then definitely don’t read this book because it’s about how science and medicine are imperfect.

How do you train somebody to do something that they’re not very good at and where lives are at stake? Again, when I read that book it makes me think, “You know what? You just got to keep moving along, trying new things. Some of them are going to work and some of them aren’t.” And the stakes of my life are significantly lower than they are for some other people.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And how about a favorite study or experiment or bit of research?

Eddie Davila
I think, for me, it’s kind of a silly one, and you probably had other people mention it before, or you may have heard of it before. It’s the Dunning-Krueger effect. There’s this study that said, “Unskilled and unaware of it. How difficulties in recognizing one’s own incompetence lead to inflated self-assessments.”

Again, for me, this is all about the less we know the smarter we think we are, well, and that’s what sort the study were saying. The less we know the more we don’t know what we don’t know. The smartest people I meet are the ones that are confident enough to tell us what they know, what they don’t know, and even the things they know they’re a little bit sort of like, “You know what? This may not be right. There’s a lot more knowledge out there, and I have a little bit of it. that’s my strength, but my weakness is that there’s so much more out there.”

Pete Mockaitis
And as I recall with the Dunning-Krueger effect, like not knowing that you don’t know things can cause you to act with more confidence and assertiveness and, thus, actually get better results than someone who knows more. Is that correct?

Eddie Davila
That is correct.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s frustrating to the hard workers out there.

Eddie Davila
Like the world is a crazy place. And we try so hard to make sense of it, and sometimes the things that should work don’t, and sometimes the things – they do. It’s just we’re in this random experiment every single day.

Pete Mockaitis
And how about a favorite tool, something you use to be awesome at your job?

Eddie Davila
Oh, my favorite thing to use in life, when I’m in the car, when I’m walking around campus, when I’m in my office, I am addicted to podcasts. I’m addicted to them. I love them because I can hear things that are entertaining, enlightening, funny, silly. There sometimes people that are just telling stories. I’m in a job where I teach supply chain management primarily, and I always think, “How can I make something that’s, to most people so, so boring, entertaining?”

And that’s the thing I love about podcasts. We’re hearing people talk about the things that they love, hearing people talk about the things that they’re passionate about, there’s nothing better than that. It gets you excited. Sometimes I hear people talk about things I don’t even like, but if they love it they make it sound interesting, and I can see why they love it.

And that’s kind of what I try to do when I’m in front of a crowd and when I’m speaking to an audience is, “How can I show them that I really care about this? I love it and I think about it and I live it.” And podcasts give you that sort of path into everybody’s brain.

Pete Mockaitis
Now, Eddie, how many podcasts have you appeared on?

Eddie Davila
Not many. Like maybe two or three, but I love, I’m a junkie when it comes to podcasts. I listen to them all the time to the point where my wife goes, “Did you hear that in a podcast? Did you hear that in a podcast?” I got started on it probably seven or eight years ago, and ever since I just consume them every moment I can.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, we appreciate that, the podcasters out there. And how about a favorite, well, I guess it’s kind of tool and a habit. But any additional habits that you have that help you in excellence?

Eddie Davila
Yeah, for me, it’s yoga. Yoga is my big giant habit. Again, it’s demoralizing, it stresses my body, it freezes brain. There’s this older guy in one my classes, and he said, he’s talking about how stiff and like out of shape he was. And he said, “Every time I do yoga,” he’d been doing it for years, “it feels like the first time because your body is changing all the time and there’s so many things to…”

It really allows you to both get better and to also realize there’s so much more work to do. Again, I like tying the idea of the similarities between our physical world and our sort of mental abstract world, and yoga seems to sort of tie those together very well for me.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And is there a particular nugget or sort of Eddie quotable original that you share that seems to really connect or resonate with folks getting them taking notes vigorously and quoting yourself back to you?

Eddie Davila
This came from a yoga class. As I started getting better at yoga, I started taking higher and higher-level classes. And I remember there was this one class I used to take, and don’t ask me how I had time for this. I guess I didn’t have kids at the time. I used to take a three-hour class, two days a week, and the people in that class were some of the most gifted yoga enthusiasts I’ve ever taken classes with, and I was always the worst one in there.

And then I realized, so I used this, again, in the work now, being the dumbest person in the room is a gift. I never got better at yoga. I never got better at just understanding myself than when I was in this room with practitioners who were significantly better than me. It made me focus. It made me nervous. It made me reach for things that I didn’t even know were possible.

So, again, one thing I tell my students, and I’ve had more than a few say, “That was my favorite thing that you said in class.” Being the dumbest person in the room is a gift. We should seek out those opportunities all the time.

Pete Mockaitis
And, Eddie, if folks want to learn more or get in touch, where would you point them?

Eddie Davila
I’d say LinkedIn is the best way to get me. Email, I have 1100 students presently in my class, so you’re probably not going to make it through that wall, there’s too many emails. But LinkedIn, connect with me there and I’m happy to add you onto the team and talk back to you there.

Pete Mockaitis
And do you have a final challenge or call to action you’d issue to folks seeking to be awesome at their jobs?

Eddie Davila
I’ve said it a couple of times already, but my biggest thing, and this goes back to my class with my freshmen where they weren’t used to pressure situations and they were running from themselves and they were running from fear. You’ve got to become a pressure junkie. Look for every opportunity to be embarrassed. Look for every opportunity to fail. Try things that you know you might not like.

You’re going to find parts of yourself that you didn’t know existed. And the more and more you get used to it, you become this adrenaline junkie, this pressure junkie where everything… first of all, stress will start to leave your life. You’ll be better able to calibrate every situation or understand, calculate each situation in terms of how much pressure is actually happening in that moment.

And the other thing is you’ll actually start to look around at work and say, “You know what? Things are a little boring. I want to try something new. I want something with more pressure.” Believe it or not, I know for a lot of you right now, you might say, “No, I don’t need anymore pressure in my life.” The more and more you put the stronger you’re going to get, and the more you’ll realize you’re living the exciting life right now. And the more you get of it the more you’ll want it.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, Eddie, thank you so much for taking this time and sharing your perspective. Super helpful. And I have a feeling we’ll have listeners returning to this when they’re freaked out time and time again.

Eddie Davila
Hopefully, they’re not too freaked out again. Just stop, think, you’re going to be alright. You’re going to be fine.

244: Behavioral Science Insights on How to Have a Good Day, Everyday with Caroline Webb

By | Podcasts | 2 Comments

 

 

Caroline Webb says: "Our attention is really the currency of our lives."

Caroline Webb reveals actionable insights from the latest science behind living our best days.

You’ll Learn:

  1. The power of micro-mindfulness
  2. Pro-tips for maintaining focus and motivation
  3. Best ways to keep up your energy throughout your day

About Caroline 

Caroline is CEO of Sevenshift, a firm that shows people how to use insights from behavioral science to improve their working life. Her book on that topic, How To Have A Good Day, is being published in 16 languages and more than 60 countries. She is also a Senior Advisor to McKinsey, where she was previously a Partner.

Items Mentioned in this Show:

Caroline Webb Interview Transcript

Pete Mockaitis
Caroline, thanks so much for joining us here on the How to be Awesome at Your Job podcast.

Caroline Webb

I’m delighted to be here, thank you.

Pete Mockaitis

Well, I think we’re going to have a lot of fun and run out of time far too soon, is my prediction, because I enjoy so much of what you have to share.  But for starters, I’d like to get your perspective on… So you did the consulting thing, you were at McKinsey, and now you are working in this space, talking about cognitive behavioral science and neuroscience and the good stuff that plays into effectiveness.  So I’d love to hear, in your own brain, how did the strategy consulting thought process translate into what you’re doing now?

Caroline Webb

Well, like a lot of people, when you go into consulting, you think maybe you’ll be there for a couple of years, but actually I really found my thing at McKinsey.  And my thing was actually behavioral change work.  So, I was there for 12 years doing this kind of work, where I’m helping people be at their best; sometimes it’s a whole company, sometimes it’s a team, sometimes it’s an individual.
And I think really in many ways I kind of grew up there; I definitely honed my style and figured out what it was that I could do to be most helpful in this space.  And I got an amazing opportunity to work with so many different types of organizations, that it was really a beautiful path for 12 years.  There came a point where I was ready to have a bit more of a portfolio life, so that I had more writing and speaking and so on in the mix.
And so that was the reason that I left five and a half years ago.  But it was a very formative experience.  I will say actually the first career that I had through the ‘90s as an economist also shaped me.  I’m sure that’s true for everybody, even when you do different types of work over your life, there’s something that you get from every job that you’ve had that you carry forward that makes you better and stronger at what you do next.

Pete Mockaitis

Absolutely.  And I’d love to get your take… I remember one of my first exposures to economics was my mom – she was taking some night classes to become the next CEO of the Teachers Credit Union in Danville, Illinois, where I grew up.  And I remember she was explaining to me these things called “utility functions” for people, and I thought, “Wow, that’s really interesting.  How did they figure out what a person’s utility function is and how could I know mine and how could I optimize it?”, were my immediate questions as a child.  And it became clear that it was kind of… I didn’t know the word “optimize” yet, but I was like, “I want the most of it.”

Caroline Webb

I was thinking, very precocious child.

Pete Mockaitis

So here you are, working in the space of economics, and then now here – the world of behavior.  So, tell me – the utility function – is it all bunk, or can I make any good, practical use of that?

Caroline Webb

Well, the reason I was interested in economics was because… I had actually always wanted to be a scientist, I wanted to be an astrophysicist, actually.  I wanted to work for NASA.  But then I took an economics class and I thought, “Wow, this is sort of head-explosive; I didn’t realize you could be rigorous and scientific about human stuff.”  And really at that point I thought, “No, this is actually what I want to do.  I want to focus on human performance and potential, and being structured and thoughtful about how to help people maximize that.”
And so I was absolutely interested in this idea of the utility function, which for those of you who haven’t done Economics 101 is essentially saying, “What are the things that you value and you care about?  What are the things that you get utility or use or pleasure or value from?”  And I was actually a pretty grumpy economist for most of my 20s, because a lot of what was going on in economics was saying that everybody was basically perfect maximizers of their financial situation, and nothing else really mattered.
And the behavioral revolution hadn’t really broken across a lot of the economics discipline in my 20s, and that was one of the reasons I decided to go into consulting, because I really wanted to get closer to the human side, the messiness.  What is it that we really care about day to day?  What is it that really allows us at the end of the day to feel like, “Yeah, that was great”?
And money – yes, we need money, but it’s also about relationships and connections, it’s also about feeling purposeful, that you’re spending time on the right things, and that you feel good about what you’re achieving, and that you feel like you’ve got the, I don’t know, the internal resources to handle whatever comes your way.  And that is what we value, that is in our utility function.  And so I will say that the years of consulting and coaching really took me closer and closer to the work I most love that I’m doing now.

Pete Mockaitis

Understood, excellent.  And so, I guess my snarkiness with regard to utility functions is…

Caroline Webb

No, I’m with you on that one.

Pete Mockaitis

It’s so pristinely quantified, like, “It’s equal to U to the third power minus 2U.”  And so, I was so intrigued and I guess naïve, because like, “Wouldn’t that be so cool to know that?”  It’s like, how do you measure someone’s experience of goodness?  Do they get a blood sample?  Well, maybe you could open us up there, it’s like…

Caroline Webb

I think that’s a good segue, because I will say that actually the thing that I took from all of those years working as an economist in public policy was that you could be rigorous about human stuff.  And I was fascinated by the growing body of research that was coming together on behavioral economics and actually explaining the real stuff, like how do we actually behave.  And then got very interested in behavioral neuroscience and behavioral psychology and did some additional training in those fields, and got certified as a coach, and really started to use the evidence base from behavioral science as a foundation for the work that I was doing with individuals and teams and organizations.
And I found over time that, first of all, there is really solid research that points to how we can feel better about every day and what we achieve at work.  And a lot of it isn’t getting translated into everyday advice that we can take easily.  And so, I became so fascinated by the fact that just using a little bit of insight on how the brain works would really help my clients see how it might help them to try something new in how they set up their day or how they handle a meeting or how they organize their to-do list.
And so, over time it became kind of my thing to use behavioral science and to be really rigorous and grounded in that way.  So, to the extent that we can quantify this stuff, I think that I have really kind of taken a position where I’m saying there’s a lot of really great research and evidence around this stuff, and wouldn’t it be amazing if we all knew a little bit more about it, because we could all be happier and more productive if we did?  And that’s what my work is all about.

Pete Mockaitis

Oh, fantastic.  And much of this is synthesized in your book How to Have a Good Day.  Could you orient us a bit to that, in terms of the key themes or central message?

Caroline Webb

Yeah.  So the central message is really that we have a lot more control than we think.  There’s a lot of stuff that we assume day to day we have to just put up with – other people’s moods, or boundaries set by other people, or the way that situations seem to play out around us, and so on.  Obviously it is true that there is luck involved – if your boss turns up and he or she is in a cranky mood, there’s a limit to how much you can control that.
But what I’ve become interested in is the fact that actually research points to small things that we can do that have an actually disproportionate impact on how both we feel and actually how the people around us are able to perform and behave.  And so, that’s the message – we have a lot more control than we think, and tiny, tiny shifts can have a big, big impact.
And I’m very pragmatic, because your listeners are all busy and we’ve all got a ton of stuff to do, and we often buy books and mean to read them and then we don’t, because we don’t have time.  So I really wanted to think about, what is the simplest way that someone could build these ideas into their lives, without being annoyingly directive about, “This is what you must do at 8:00 am”, because everyone’s different.  But what is the principle that people can apply in their own lives?  So it’s super practical; that was really what I was trying to get to, was not just another think piece or not just full of stories.  It’s got research and it’s got stories, but it’s really, really practical.  So yeah, that’s my labor of love, it’s my life’s work.

Pete Mockaitis

Oh, fantastic.  Well, I’m eager to dig into things and so, I’ve got a number of areas I want to explore.  But first thing’s first, just to make sure we don’t somehow miss the golden egg.  Those things that have a disproportionate impact – could you share with us maybe the top one or two super leveraged things that you think folks who want to have great days often really should do right off the bat?

Caroline Webb

That’s a really cruel question, because there are about 100 in the book.  And everybody’s different, so I did write the book so that you could dive in at any point.  If you’ve got a difficult conversation you could turn to Chapter 9 and read the chapter on managing tensions and so on.  So, that is a tough question.  I can tell you some of the things that I love that I use for myself all the time.  I can say that there’s one very existential one and then there’s one very practical one.
So one very existential one is that we actually only perceive part of what’s around us at any given time, and we don’t know that because we’re not aware of what we don’t know.  Your brain can only process a certain amount of information at any given time.  We’ve actually got quite of lot of control over what we tend to see and hear in a situation.  And the rule that our brains follow is that whatever’s already top of mind for us, it will take that as a signal that we should see or hear things that relate to that.
So, you get out of bed on the wrong side of the bed, as our grandmothers might’ve once said, and suddenly everybody is incredibly annoying.  Actually what’s happened here is your brain is using this mechanism of selective attention to say, “Well, you’re in a bad mood, Caroline.  So, I guess I’ll make sure that you see every instance of everyone being a really big pain in the back side today.”  And the thing is, it works the other way around too.  So if you decide to look out for signs of collaboration in a meeting you’re not looking forward to, you are radically more likely to see them because you’ve told your brain that that’s what’s important.
And that’s the science behind a lot of “la-la” kind of advice about, “Just put a smile on your face and everything will be great.”  And truth is, that’s not true.  Sometimes, some days are just not great, or some meetings are not great, or some colleagues are not great.  But the truth is that we can see more of the good stuff that’s around us, that we tend to miss because our brain just uses the selective attention mechanism.
That’s pretty deep, because it does mean that the reality that you experience is way more in your control than you think it is.  And that’s something which means that every morning I intend to sort of set intentions and say, “Okay, what is it I want to look out for today?  What is it I really want to prioritize?  If there is anything difficult coming out, how do I want to go into that?”
And then the super practical thing that I might mention is singletasking.  So, as well as your brain only being able to consciously process a certain amount of information at any given time, it can actually also do one thing consciously at any time.  Only one thing.  So as you’re checking your email and browsing and flicking through something on your desk, you are actually asking your brain to switch from one thing to another.  And it’s really tiring and it uses up time and mental energy.  So, when we multitask, we feel super busy, but we’re actually slowing ourselves down.  We’re making between two and four times as many mistakes.
So one of the biggest things you can do to kind of get your work done more quickly and do it more brilliantly is actually to do one thing at a time.  Again, it sounds like our grandma’s advice, but the truth is that science now is very clear on this.  So I’m really clear that if I want to think clearly and I want to do good work and I’m struggling with something, I have to close down all of my browser tabs and shut everything off and really kind of give myself, give my brain the chance to do what it actually is able to do, which is to do one thing at a time.

Pete Mockaitis

Okay, thank you.  So, I want to dig in a bit deeper here, when it comes to whatever’s top of mind, the rest of the stuff you encounter filters through that, and that includes your mood.  And it really is kind of fascinating for me, is sometimes I will wake up and I really do want to sing with joy at the beginning of a new day; it’s like some sort of a Disney animation situation, like birds are chirping or something.
Sometimes I really do wake up like that, and other times for no good reason I wake up sleeping less that I would’ve liked to, and can’t quite fall back asleep.  It’s like, “Well, it’s 4:30 and I had kind of planned to sleep until 7:00, but I guess we’re done now.”  And so then as a result I’m a little bit grumpier about any number of things.  And so, I’m curious, when you’re in that moment, what is the go-to approach to kind of grab the steering wheel and point your focus and your mood to where you want it to be?

Caroline Webb

Yeah, that was a good way of putting it.  I mean exactly that – it’s a question of noticing your state of mind and knowing that your starting point is going to color what you see.  You’ll notice in a sense, because if you’ve ever bought a new car, you’ll see every car on the road that’s the same model.  If you’ve ever decided to boldly wear a new color to work and you kind of feel a bit self-conscious and it’s very top of mind for you, then you’ll see everybody who wears anything that’s that color all day.
So we know that what’s top of mind shapes what our brain decides to see, and what it doesn’t, what it decides is not relevant enough for you to notice consciously.  And it gives us a hint that actually it’s not that hard to redirect and to reset our filters actually.  It really does take just noticing where you’re at and saying, “What do I want to notice?  What do I actually most want to notice?”  That’s my go-to question.
I actually have a little… I use alliteration to remember: What is my aim, what assumptions am I making, and what’s my attitude?  So if I have a little bit more time, then I actually think about it in a more structured way and I say, “Okay, what really matters most to me?  What’s my real aim here?”  Because if you drift into a conversation you’re not looking forward to, the person’s perhaps been a bit of a jerk to you in the past, you are going to see everything that confirms that they are a jerk.  Confirmation bias is one example of this larger phenomenon.
And so, they might be a jerk, to be perfectly honest.  But the thing is, if you decide, “Okay, my real aim here is not to prove myself right that they’re a jerk, but actually to get something, to find some way that we can collaborate.”  I used that word earlier on.  Then you are more likely to see that.  If you check your attitude and say, “Okay, I can’t just say, ‘Right, Pete, now I’m going to be super happy.’”  You can’t necessarily just click your fingers, but you can say, “Okay, what is it that I can think about today that I’m looking forward to?”  And just have that top of mind, and that’s going to shape then what you see.
And then in terms of your assumptions – yeah, what you assume about someone is going to totally shape what you perceive.  And you can’t always, again, say… Sometimes you have assumptions about someone being a jerk because you’ve actually seen them be a jerk in the past, right?  So I’m not saying your assumptions are wrong, but you can say, “Why might that not be true today?”  And then you give yourself just the chance to widen the aperture of your perception to see a bit more than you would otherwise.
And it doesn’t have to take a lot.  Your hand can be on the handle as you’re going into a meeting, a conversation.  You can say, “Okay, what do I really want to notice here?”  You notice in the middle of a conversation that’s going south and you’re feeling annoyed, you can catch yourself, take a breath and put your feet on the floor, and just say, “Okay, what is it I really want here?  What is my real aim?”, knowing that that will actually have an effect on what happens.  It’s like “Choose Your Own Adventure” – we’re all at any given time choosing our own adventure by what we decide to have top of mind.

Pete Mockaitis

Caroline, it’s funny that you bring up that “Take a breath, put both your feet on the floor.”  That was exactly the mechanism I stumbled into to calm myself down when I was a candidate doing case interviews to get into Bain.  And so, I’m curious, is there some behavioral science behind that particular practice, because it seems like we’ve both settled on that one?

Caroline Webb

Oh, sure.  The evidence around mindfulness is really mounting and is really compelling.  And mindfulness is essentially that practice of pausing, focusing your attention on one thing and not beating yourself up if your attention drifts.  And that’s really what’s at the heart of meditation practices and mindfulness practices of all sorts.
And the thing is that a lot of people have heard of mindfulness or they’ve heard of meditation, and maybe they tried to meditate for 20 minutes and it just felt so hard and so far from where they’re at.  I’ve always been really interested in, I suppose what I call “micro-mindfulness”, like what are the tiny moments of mindfulness that still seem to have an effect on the way that we feel and the way that we think?
And I’ve made it a mission of mine to dig out the research over the years that shows that smaller and smaller amounts of mindfulness still actually have an impact on your ability to regulate your emotions – stay calm, that is, and to think clearly about complex topics.  And sidebar – I’ve done the same with exercise; I’ve made it a mission to find all the research that shows that smaller and smaller amounts of exercise will boost your mood and your focus.  So, I’m really into the practicality of this.

Pete Mockaitis

Three seconds will do it.

Caroline Webb

Yeah, exactly.  And the smallest amount of mindfulness that you can do – absolutely.  Take one breath, notice one breath.  Put your feet on the floor, bring your attention to that.  It doesn’t have to be a lot to give you a bit of the bigger benefits that more mindfulness will give you.  And so, I use that sort of thing a lot in busy, difficult days.

Pete Mockaitis

Okay, great.  Thank you.  So now I’d like to sort of think through when it comes to those high leverage points that make the disproportionate difference.  I read a lot about how the environment that we are in has a world of influence on our little thoughts, decisions, behaviors, and what becomes relatively easier or harder, and we do more of or less of those things.  So, what are your pro tips for molding our environment to set us up for success?

Caroline Webb

Yeah.  The thing you want to know here is that your brain is an associative machine.  You kind of know that already, in that one idea is linked to another and it’s stored in your brain as a memory.  You hear a song that reminds you of an amazing night out with your friends, or maybe the night you met your loved one, and it gives you a boost.  And that is the memory of a song being connected, being associated with a certain mental state, a certain emotional state.  And that’s the way that our brain works.
And so, if you associate a certain thing with another thing, then exposing yourself to the cue has a reasonable chance of triggering the state of mind that you associate with that cue.  The thing is, it’s just helpful to be aware of what your cues are and what your associations are.  We’re not all the same, so this is definitely an area in science which is a little bit fraught at the moment because a lot of people have said, “If you give people a hot drink, then that makes them feel warm and therefore they behave in a warm way towards people.”  There was a study, a very famous study that was done, that was showing that.  And I remember I was thinking, “Well, what about in the Middle East, where it’s really hot?  Maybe a chilled drink could actually make you feel good.  How does that really work?”
So the trick here is to really understand yourself and your associations.  So I put in the book something which has been quoted back to me so many times that I almost, almost regret it – but there was a song that Donna Summer sang called I Feel Love.  And I associated it with a show that was done by the Blue Man Group that I saw years ago, and it was the finale and it was so great.  I was so loving the show and it was amazing and I was super excited by the artistry and the magic of the production.  And so, after that it became my song for before I go on stage to give a speech.  I don’t always make people play it, like I’m home, but it’s just the song that I hum to myself in the bathroom before I go on.  It triggers that association in my mind.  It may not do that for you. [laugh]
But isn’t it interesting to think about what other things you associate with, I don’t know, high performance or whatever you’re trying to create?  So I think a lot about my office, and I know light is really, really important to me and it kind of brightens my mood to actually turn on a light.  Last week I was doing a workshop with a top team, a senior team at a charity, a non-profit, and I was paying a lot of attention to the room and the environment.  I was playing music when they came in, I actually borrowed a space heater to make sure that the place felt warm, I made sure that there were snacks so it felt welcoming and kind of nurturing.  So I think we just can think a lot more about our environment and know that it actually does have an impact on our ability to think and be at our best.

Pete Mockaitis

And I really feel that.  I think also with clutter.  It’s interesting – I am not a super neat freak, but I do really feel and notice how much better I feel in a tidy, organized environment, as opposed to a cluttered one.  And yet, I somehow seem to keep see-sawing between the two, as supposed to having a consistent tidiness.

Caroline Webb

Yeah, and that is a beautiful example of how you want to know yourself, because there are some people who’ll say, “Oh my God, I hate a clinical environment.  It makes it really hard for me to be creative.  I don’t know how you could possibly have a clear desk.”  So, it really is important for you to know yourself and to think, “Okay, what is it that’s going to really help me be at my best?”  Because it’s not always going to be the same.
I had to take a guess last week in the workshop with those folks, because I know that food, warmth and music are kind of universal human things, but when you get to the finer details, actually you really just need to know yourself and think about, “Okay, if I want to be super productive, what do I associate with being super productive?”  Maybe it’s being in a particular place, booking a particular seat to go and sit, and so on.  So yeah, it’s really interesting when you start to think about it.

Pete Mockaitis

Well, and I guess I’ve been a little bit cautious.  I don’t know if this is scientifically held or not, so Caroline, you’ll set me straight once and for all.  When it comes to these cues and the triggers, I guess sometimes I’m worried that I might sort of, I don’t know, use it up, if you will.  So for example, let’s just say that Eye of the Tiger is a pump up song.  And so, if I am feeling sleepy and I think, “You know what?  I want to get pumped up, I should listen to Eye of the Tiger.”  And then I do that dozens of times, do I risk weakening the power of the Eye of the Tiger song cue because I keep playing it when I’m sleepy and I desire to be pumped up?

Caroline Webb

That’s interesting.  That’s a really great question.  What’s at the heart of what you’re saying is absolutely right – that if you start to associate Eye of the Tiger with feeling tired, then it may actually lose its power for you.  In general what we know is that the more that you repeat a connection, the stronger that connection gets.  That’s effectively the mechanism that sits behind learning – it’s the strengthening of the synapses between different neurons that relate to different cues, different activities, different thoughts and so on.
And so, what you want to be aware of is just notice the effect on you.  If it’s no longer working, rethink.  And I think you’re very smart to say actually you change over time.  We evolve as human beings, and the associations we have change.  If I started to associate I Feel Love with… If I were a terrible public speaker and I associated I Feel Love with feeling awful on the stage, that would probably not be great.  But as it is, I love speaking and it gives me such energy and I really adore it, so the positive connection is still there.

Pete Mockaitis

And this is bringing me back to a little bit of my teenage years, in which Tony Robbins was my hero – fun fact; as a teenager.  And I know he’s big on associations, whether it’s a “Yes!” or a power move or touching one finger to another.  Is it possible to make connections between kind of abstract or neutral cues so that you make them mean something for you by being in a particular state of mind, and then doing or saying or experiencing that which you desire to be a trigger cue?

Caroline Webb

Oh, sure, absolutely.  You’re in control of your own mind.  If you want to associate this thing with that thing, then absolutely.  It’s in your gift.  This is why rituals are so powerful, right?  I mean rituals on the face of it usually look a bit dumb, but if it means something to you and it helps you feel a certain way, then go for it.
I remember there was one time I was in a taxi, I was on my way to a concert that I was actually singing in.  So I was quite focused on the fact that I was about to perform.  And I didn’t really want to be having a big in-depth conversation with the driver at that particular… I’m quite a chatty person, but that was not what I wanted.  But anyway, never mind.  We were having a conversation and he was asking me what I do and I told him about the book and he said, “Oh, you know what?  You should issue a pebble with every book.”  I was like, “Oh my God.  What?”  And he said that whenever he has something that he’s working on for himself personally, he has a pebble in his pocket.  And so whenever he feels the pebble, it reminds him of the thing that he’s working on.
And that is an example of someone just deciding, “Okay, this is going to be my cue.”  It doesn’t matter – as long as it works for you, then it’s valid.  And the truth is there is no point me issuing a pebble with the book because pebbles might not do it for you.  But I do encourage people to think about what is the thing that’s going to remind you of the stuff that you genuinely want to do for yourself, and to be smart about putting those things around you.

Pete Mockaitis

Oh, that’s good.  And I’m already sort of brainstorming maybe it could be putting your phone upside down or the opposite way of what would be an intuitive means of picking up your phone.  And it’s like, “Why is my phone upside down?  Oh, because I want to remember to focus on this thing.”

Caroline Webb

Yeah.  And it doesn’t have to be too artful either.  It can be something as simple as just having a post-it note.  When I was writing the book, it was a kind of big undertaking to try and summarize all of neuroscience and psychology and behavioral economics and cover everything that anyone needed; make a kind of general book about how to have a good day.  And sometimes I did think, “Oh my God, what am I doing?  I can see why nobody’s done this before.”
And so, to help me stay focused and motivated, I had a post-it note which reminded me of the reader and the person who was going to use this.  And it just had the name of three clients – “This is for Sarah, for Nye and for Peter.”  And that was the thing that I went back to time and again.  I didn’t have to come up with an object to remind me of that.  I just had that written on a post-it note, visible, in a way that I could go back to when I needed to.
And it goes back to the fact that our attention is really the currency of our lives, and we don’t have an infinite amount of it.  In fact, we have a very limited amount of conscious attention, and we can choose where to put it.  And being smart about what is it that’s going to remind you of where you want to put it – that’s a large part of the game of figuring out how to be at your best and how to have a good day.

Pete Mockaitis

Oh, this is so good.  Thank you.  Now could you share with us a little bit, when it comes to energy – to keeping the levels high and available?  Because I think for me that’s another variable that makes all the difference day to day, in terms of some days are higher than others on the energy factor, and those days result in way more great output than the opposite.  So what could we do to get more good days there?

Caroline Webb

Well, there is a sort of motherly thing to say, first of all, I suppose, which is that it is true that getting enough sleep is probably the single biggest thing that any of us could do to live our best lives.  The research is really, really powerful on this, that the vast majority of us need eight hours – maybe a little less, maybe a little more – and that when we don’t get it, we really see our analytical capability slip – so your ability to solve puzzles and perform on tests and so on.  You can measure this.
And your ability to regulate your emotions.  There’s that phrase again that behavioral scientists often use, which is just to stay on an even keel when things happen that aren’t great.  And that’s quite apart from just your physical energy and your ability to just keep going.  And so, it really does matter to think about what it would take to prioritize that a bit more.  It’s one of the single biggest things you can do.
The other sort of motherly thing to say, I suppose, is that energy – we do associate it with perhaps physical activity, and there’s no doubt that when we’re more energetic we feel more like exercising, but it goes the other way too.  It really helps to figure out how can I get between 10 and 20 minutes of just slightly raised heart rate, knowing that that will then boost your sense of energy, not just physically but mentally and emotionally after that.  And so, I’m really thoughtful about how do I get just that little bit of exercise into the day, even when I’m feeling a bit tired.
And then there’s a bunch of stuff, which is just so interesting, about how you boost your mental and emotional energy, even on days which are really dragging you down.  A couple that I really like – it turns out that showing gratitude is really a powerful way of boosting your mental and emotional energy, and it’s actually quite a long-lasting intervention as well.  And I like to do that at the end of a day – to sit and say, “Okay, what were the good things that happened today?”  And sometimes it’s quite hard, because it was not a great day, believe it or not.  Sometimes there are things that are just, it’s a really tough day.
But as soon as you start to think about what were the good things – it’s again, focusing your attention.  You start to see the good things more readily and you start to remember things you would otherwise have forgotten.  And I sit on the couch with my husband and we do that at the end of the day, and it’s a really powerful intervention.
And then generosity – that’s the other thing that’s I think so fascinating.  Because when you feel worn down, it sort of counterintuitive, that being nice to someone else would give you a boost.  But actually it’s really, really reliable.  And you kind of know this – someone stops you on the street to ask for directions and for some reason you decide today you’re actually going to stop and help them.  You feel amazing; you feel so fantastic about your kind of bounteous-ness and your ability to give.  And it’s a very interesting little quirk to think about, “How can I do something nice for someone else?  How can I pay a compliment that’s totally unexpected?”  And to then notice how it gives you a boost.  Never mind them; I mean it’s nice for them too.

Pete Mockaitis

Oh, fantastic, thank you.  So, you mentioned that you had the research on the smallest amount of mindfulness or the smallest amount of exercise.  And so, there you have it – 10 to 20 minutes of slightly raised heart rate.  So you just mean like walking would make a huge difference.

Caroline Webb

Exactly.  I’m a huge fan of walking.  And I think it’s not always easy to get to the gym.  In fact, actually I’ve given up on gym memberships.  I bought an elliptical trainer years ago.  It was a really bad elliptical trainer, I will say, and it was in a sale.  But it was all I needed.  I just had it close by and so I could jump on that.  And so anytime I was getting a bit stuck on something or I was noticing I was a bit cranky, then I would get on that and just peddle away for sometimes as little as 10 minutes, and then I would notice my head clearing and an insight coming.  And the research is really clear on that being an effect of a small amount of cardiovascular exercise.
But yeah, the other thing that I do a lot is walk.  Going to a meeting, just figuring out what would it take for me to just walk to this meeting or walk to this appointment.  And I kind of have a rule that if it’s less than half an hour… It’s very rare if you take public transportation or you drive that you can get anywhere major within 20 minutes or so.  It’s usually 20 to 30 minutes, at least where I live in New York.
And so, if it’s less than 30 minutes walk, I will walk; I will take the walk.  And I’ve just got into the habit of doing that, and sometimes it’s just 10 minutes and then it’s a no-brainer.  Yeah, so I’m really, really looking out all the time for these tiny little opportunities – taking the stairs rather than the elevator if it’s less than five floors – that sort of thing.  Or less than three floors, depending on how energetic I’m feeling.

Pete Mockaitis

Oh, that’s so good.  Well, Caroline, now could you share with us – maybe we’ve got the energy locked in, but that’s not always the same thing as motivation.  So, what’s your take on ways to get and stay motivated when you’re just not feeling it?

Caroline Webb

Yeah, it happens to us all, doesn’t it?  I have a lot of things that I throw at this, and I’ll share a couple of my favorites.  One thing that we know is we know that purpose, feeling a sense of purpose, feeling that what we’re doing has a point to it, is inherently motivating.  And then you say, “Okay, but the whole point is that what I’m doing seems useless, so I don’t feel motivated to do it.”  So there’s the first step, just to say, “It’s very rare than anything you’re doing is truly, truly, truly pointless.  What is it that actually is going to result?  What good thing is going to result of you doing this thing?”  And you sometimes have to push through a few layers of snark to get to something that actually feels good.
But it really is worth just, again, refocusing your attention on, “Okay, what is the ultimate payoff?”  Maybe it’s not to you; maybe it’s to someone else, but what is the real benefit of getting this done?  And if the payoff is to someone else, then the payoff effectively to you is to make them feel good and to actually do something useful for them.
And it really helps me to really picture it being done at the end of the day.  So if I’m really struggling with something I’ve been procrastinating on, then what you’re really trying to do is get your brain to put more weight on the future benefit that is going to result from you doing the work, and to have that offset the feeling of the immediate cost of getting something done.  Your brain is not very good at thinking about abstract future things.  It’s very good at focusing on the stuff that’s right in front of it.
And so, if something is just a bit difficult to get done – maybe it’s an email you’re putting off writing – I’m sure everybody has one of those – you’re really focused on the fact that you don’t want to write this email.  And it’s much harder to think about the relationship benefit that’s going to flow from you actually getting it done.  So really just picturing, “Okay, how great is it going to feel when I’ve done this?  How great is it going to be for the other person, who’s not going to be waiting anymore on this email?”  That really helps.
And the other thing that helps is actually the other side of the equation, which is not just amplifying your sense of the future benefits of getting it done, but actually reducing the feeling of the initial cost of putting in the effort.  And what do I mean by that?  I mean often there’s something we’re putting off because it just feels too hard or too complicated and we actually don’t know the way in, and we keep on coming back to the thing on the to-do list, because it just seems like so much of a pain.
So, I’m a big fan of asking, “What’s the smallest – very, very smallest first step you could take to get this task on the road?”  So maybe this email you’ve been putting off.  I can’t guess what you’re putting off, but if I think about an email that I’m putting off, I’ve got to decide on whether I’m going to do a particular piece of client work or not, and I keep on not being sure whether this is going to be the right piece of work for me, whether I’m going to be the right person for them.  And so, I keep on not answering.  And I will say I’m not being kind of completely egregious about this – I did tell them that I wouldn’t get back to them for a few weeks.
But the thing that’s getting in the way is that I know that there’s someone who knows a bit more about that client and I haven’t emailed her to ask her.  And that’s the simple first step that I could take, is just to drop her a line and say, “Hey, can we chat?  I just want to talk this through with you and see whether you think this is a good fit, both sides.”  So I did that, and it was great.  She wrote right back and now I’m having that conversation tomorrow, and then I know that I’ll be in a position to write the more difficult email.  And so the small first step, the tiny, tiny first step – sometimes you have to really think, “What is it that’s actually blocking this, and what is the first tiny thing I could do that is so small I can’t argue that I can’t do it?”

Pete Mockaitis

Oh, I love it.  That reminds me of David Allen, Episode 15, in terms of zeroing in on the next action, and when it’s so dead, dirt simple, you feel just silly, like, “Of course I could do that, that’s fine.”

Caroline Webb

Yeah.  And I’m such a big fan of the ridiculously small steps that you obviously can do.

Pete Mockaitis

Excellent.  Well, Caroline, tell me – is there anything else you want to make sure to mention before we shift gears and hear about a few of your favorite things?

Caroline Webb

Well, I don’t think so.  I hope I’m giving a bit of a sense of the kind of work that I do and how practical it is.  I will say that the work that I do really leaves people space to figure out how to apply this stuff in their own lives.  And I’m really pragmatic about that, and I’m always really delighted to hear people’s stories about how they’re using these principles and these ideas in their own lives, because there are so many different ways of applying them.  So, if any of your listeners happen to look at the book or try any of these ideas out, I’d love to hear how they work for you and what exactly you’re doing with them.

Pete Mockaitis

Oh, excellent, thank you.  And what would be the best place to contact you for that?

Caroline Webb

Well, I’ve got a website, which is CarolineWebb.co – that is .co, not .com actually, because it turns out there are millions of Caroline Webbs and I did not get CarolineWebb.com.  But CarolineWebb.co has all sort of resources and contact details and so on.  And I’m also on Facebook – Caroline Webb Author, and on Twitter – @Caroline_Webb_ – every day, sharing nuggets of science-based advice.  And I’m active on both, and respond to everybody on both of those platforms.

Pete Mockaitis

Oh, perfect.  Thank you.  Now could you share with us a favorite quote, something you find inspiring?

Caroline Webb

There is a quote that I used right at the beginning of my book, which is something that actually a lot of people have grabbed on to.  I just love it.  It’s from Annie Dillard in her book The Writing Life, and she says, “The way we spend our days is, of course, the way we spend our lives.”  And it’s just this beautiful sense of actually what we do every day really is the building blocks of our lives.  And if we can get those things right, then actually that is the way that we are living.  And so, it gives us back that sort of sense of actually this is something that’s under my control to some extent – the felling that the small stuff matters.

Pete Mockaitis

Oh, excellent, thank you.  And how about a favorite book?

Caroline Webb

Oh, man, I read about 600-700 books for the research of this book.  And I love them all, so what can I say?  I’ll tell you what I will say about this – I really, really value reading fiction.  So I obviously write non-fiction and I read a lot of non-fiction, but I find that I am a better human being when I’m reading some fiction.  It kind of takes me out of myself.  Talking about meditation and easy ways to kind of get some mindfulness – it kind of brings my focus to one thing and stops the chatter in my mind.  So I just finished reading Mohsin Hamid’s Exit West, which is a very interesting book about refugees.  And it was a beautiful, beautiful creation, so that was the last thing I read.

Pete Mockaitis

Thank you.  And how about a favorite tool?

Caroline Webb

Oh, man, a lot of those too.  Well, I do like tools that really help to lighten the cognitive load on my brain, because we can only ever hold three or four things in mind at any given time, as you know if you try and remember a list of seven things.  So, I really value software like Evernote, which allows you to not try and remember anything, but just to kind of dump it in and go back to it whenever you want, and to really just always outsource your memory, outsource the storage capacity of your brain.  So yeah, Evernote has been a big thing for me in these last few years.

Pete Mockaitis

And how about a favorite habit?

Caroline Webb

Well, I’ve shared a lot of my habits in this conversation.  Yeah, I don’t know what I would add to the habits I’ve described here.  I do have a habit which we haven’t talked about, which is to make sure that I treat seeing friends as important as having a meeting.  So, when you look at all the research on human connection, it turns out that one of the most powerful things you can do to boost your own sense of wellbeing is to pay attention to the quality of your relationships.
And so, I’ve done that for many years, even when I was at McKinsey, living the consultant life.  If I was seeing a friend, I just treated it as a meeting, and of course sometimes you move meetings, but not very often.  And so, I just give it that priority and know that it’s as important for my sense of self and my ability to be at my best as anything else that I’m doing.

Pete Mockaitis

And is there a particular nugget or piece that you share in your trainings or speaking or in your book that has a whole lot of Kindle book highlights or retweets or that comes back to you again and again?

Caroline Webb

It’s really interesting.  People just love different parts of the book, so there is no specific… There are loads of people who’ll say, “This thing that you say about what’s top of mind really shapes our perceptions of what seems to happen” – that gets retweeted a lot.  The Annie Dillard quote that I mentioned gets retweeted a lot.  I think one of the things that people say they like a lot is the summaries at the end of each chapter, which just summarize all of the advice that’s in the chapter.  I will say my brother actually recommends my book based on the fact that people don’t even have to read it in order to be able to use it.  So I think that aspect of my work seems to have resonated with people.

Pete Mockaitis

High praise from the family.

Caroline Webb

Yeah, yeah.

Pete Mockaitis

And do you have a final challenge or call to action that you’d issue to folks seeking to be awesome at their jobs?

Caroline Webb

That’s a good final question.  I think that the challenge, or the opportunity, let’s say, that I will put in front of people is just to notice when you are focused on what you can’t control and to remember that you are going to potentially miss the things that you can control, and that there’s an enormous amount of power in saying, “Okay, I know that this or this is not great right now, but what is there that I can control?”  There might be one of those smallest first steps that you can take that is in your control; there might be something that’s familiar to you or that you know for sure that enables you to take that step.
And it might be that you can control your attitude, even when everything around you is just incredibly annoying.  You can decide to control your attitude and decide what your attitude wants to be.  You can say, “Okay, this is all terrible, but what can I choose to learn from this?”  So I think it is that opportunity to focus on what we can control, rather than things we can’t.  And that makes a huge difference to how every day feels.

Pete Mockaitis

Okay.  Well, Caroline, thank you so much for taking this time and sharing these perspectives.  It’s so, so useful and I can’t wait to do some of them myself right away, from building the cues to ensuring that even if 10 to 20 minutes of slightly raised heart rate doesn’t make me feel like a macho man, it makes a huge impact for my energy.  And so, all this good stuff.

Caroline Webb

Wonderful, wonderful.  Thanks for the conversation, it’s been great.

241: How to Have More Fun While Achieving More with Dave Crenshaw

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Dave Crenshaw says: "'Busy' is a white flag of surrender... not a badge of honor."

Dave Crenshaw gives his expert insights on the importance of scheduling in fun, meaningful breaks, and shares practical tips on setting up your own personal oasis and managing your time.

You’ll Learn:

  1. Why having fun is critical to your success
  2. How to build your own oasis
  3. Perspectives to switch from a culture of now vs. the culture of when

About Dave 

Dave Crenshaw is the master of building productive leaders. He has appeared in Time magazine, USA Today, FastCompany, and the BBC News. His courses on LinkedIn Learning have received millions of views. He has written four books, including The Myth of Multitasking which was published in six languages and is a time management bestseller. As an author, keynote speaker, and online instructor, Dave has transformed hundreds of thousands of businesses leaders worldwide.

Items Mentioned in this Show:

Dave Crenshaw Interview Transcript

Pete Mockaitis
Dave, thanks so much for joining us here on the How To Be Awesome At Your Job podcast.

Dave Crenshaw
Thanks, Pete. Glad to be here.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, first and foremost, I think we need to hear a little bit about you and Chuck Norris. What’s the backstory?

Dave Crenshaw
Well, for those unfamiliar, Chuck Norris facts are jokes that have been making a round the internet for, gosh, close to 10 years now, and they’re just statements of just ridiculous strength and power that Chuck has, things like Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas, or Chuck Norris makes onions cry. And they’re fairly popular, and Chuck heard about these and put together The Official Chuck Norris Fact Book.

Well, in The Official Chuck Norris Fact Book he cites me and my book, The Myth of Multitasking, and it’s under the Chuck Norris fact, by the way, “Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.” So, that is the connection and there are lots of things that I’ve done. I’ve been on Time Magazine, BBC, all these different places, but there’s nothing that will ever be as cool as being mentioned by Chuck Norris in The Official Chuck Norris Fact Book.

Pete Mockaitis
That is cool. And so, I guess Chuck was on board with your perspective in that multitasking or switch-tasking, if you will, is a thief and suboptimal and etcetera.

Dave Crenshaw
Yes, he does not believe in multitasking, and he believes in focusing on one thing at a time.

Pete Mockaitis
Boy, it feels like there’s a Chuck Norris fact.

Dave Crenshaw
There is actually. So, when that happened, I sent that out to my social media followers, and said, “I’ll give my books and The Chuck Norris Fact Book to somebody who can come up with the best Chuck Norris fact about multitasking.” And the winner was, “Chuck Norris doesn’t multitask. It’s never taken him more than one punch.”

Pete Mockaitis
That’s good. That’s good.

Dave Crenshaw
Yeah.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, we’re having fun. And so, I want to talk about your latest book The Power of Having Fun which is a compelling title, and I’m so intrigued to get the details on this about what I read thus far. So, could you give us your view? What’s sort of the main idea behind this book and why is it important now?

Dave Crenshaw
Sure. The first thing that I want to say is that I am a productivity expert. I help build productive leaders. So, when I’m talking about The Power of Having Fun I’m coming at it primarily from a productivity standpoint. And what I’ve learned, it’s sort of the cousin to The Myth of Multitasking. The Myth of Multitasking is about what you shouldn’t do. You shouldn’t try to do multiple things at the same time.

Well, The Power of Having Fun is about what you should do. If you want to be more productive you must make having fun a top priority in your schedule. It is something that you should put in your calendar and protect just as much as you protect an appointment with your most important client, with your boss, with anyone who is critical to your success because it is critical to your success.

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, Dave, this is a message I love to hear because I’m subject to some of those, I don’t know, guilt things about not doing or achieving enough, or “should I be having fun in this moment” type things, so I love this thesis. So, could you back it up a little bit? Like it almost sounds too good to be true. Like, why? Why is having fun this important?

Dave Crenshaw
Sure. Well, I can back it up. The first thing that I want to say, though, before I go into any kind of studies or research or science behind it, is I am less interested in the research of others and more interested in the research or the experiment of you. What that means is sometimes we get all lathered up with all these studies and statistics.

And what really matters is, “Does this apply to you?” So, rather than taking my word for it, and going, “Well, that’s what everybody should do,” I would encourage people who are listening to this to test it, to put it into application into your life, maybe just for two weeks, and try that experiment because, ultimately, that is the most powerful proof that I can offer.

And what I believe you’ll find is what many of my leadership clients have found which is that when you make fun a priority you get more done, you’re more productive, you’re happier, and you’re more creative.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay, yeah, I’m with you there that, certainly, like that’s where the rubber meets the road and sort of the ultimate bottom line there is not so much that it worked for this population of people studied over at the University of such and such. But is it going to work for you?

Dave Crenshaw
Yes.

Pete Mockaitis
But just so that the listeners get fired up, and me fired up, about doing such a test, could you share some of that research or data that suggests it’s extremely probable that if we do this test we will like what we see?

Dave Crenshaw
Sure. Well, my favorite one is it comes from a study, and this is the actual study title, The Role of Dopamine in Learning, Memory and Performance in a Water Escape Task.

Pete Mockaitis
Water escape. I’m thinking of Harry Houdini right now.

Dave Crenshaw
Yeah, yeah. This was published by the University of Washington not too long ago. And what it was is a study to show the role of dopamine in how well a mouse could learn and perform over time. So, what they did was they had two different groups. They had a group that had naturally-occurring dopamine in their body, and then a group that was deprived artificially of dopamine occurring in their body.

Now, if you’re not familiar with what dopamine is, it is the motivation-inducing chemical that your body naturally creates when something enjoyable happens, like having fun, like taking a break, whatever is fun for you, reading a book, going for a walk, playing video games, whatever it is, your body releases a little dopamine into your system.

Pete Mockaitis
Like even the dark side of fun.

Dave Crenshaw
That’s a whole different topic though. Here’s the thing, when mice had dopamine in their system, naturally injected, they learned faster and better. In other words, their performance over time improved, they got better and better at escaping from this little water task that they had setup.

The mice, though, that had been deprived of naturally-occurring dopamine, their performance got worse over time. In other words, the more they did it the worse they got at it. They didn’t perform better, they got slower, they made more mistakes. Now, here’s where it comes into our world. We aren’t mice in a maze but many people treat ourselves as if we are.

We deprive ourselves of having fun which creates that naturally-occurring dopamine, which means that when we do that, we’re getting worse at our performance. Every single day that you persist at your desk with skipping those vacation days that you should’ve used, you’re not getting better. And, in fact, the research backs that up as well.

Project Time Off found that when people take more than 10 days of vacation a year they were more likely to receive a raise and get promoted than those who did not take all their vacation days.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. All right. That’s good stuff. That’s good stuff. And do you have maybe one more you can lay on us with regard to research or studies. I’m feeling it.

Dave Crenshaw
So, well, I’m going to shift gears just slightly because it does relate. One thing that I talk about in The Power of Having Fun is the need to not just have an oasis is what I call them. An oasis is this fun break that you schedule in your calendar. And one thing that I found was that when couples take time to go on a date once per week, and that is also part of having fun.

When a couple has that time, according to the National Marriage Project, they are 3.5 times more likely to report being very happy in their marriages compared to those who did not spend that time together. And additionally, if they just had one dedicated time per week, they reported higher satisfaction in communication and sexuality in the bedroom.

And that is so critical because of other studies that show, that talk about the work-home resources model. In other words, when you’re happy at home you are more likely to succeed at work. And if you have people in your life that you care about, if you want them to be successful at work or at school, spend time with them. Not only will you both feel better about your relationship but you both will succeed more in your career.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. I like it. I dig it. So, convinced. So, let’s jump in, then. When it comes to fun, I mean, fun is fun. We like it. We’d like to have some more of it. And so, I’d like to get maybe a bit of perspective when it comes the work time versus fun time, although, hopefully, work is fun but dedicated fun, rejuvenation, non-work time. Is there sort of like a sweet spot or a ratio? Or how do we think about kind of the relative application of precious time between the two?

Dave Crenshaw
Sure. So, I define an oasis as something that is brief and recurring in your schedule, and you want to have oases of different scales. You want to have a daily oasis, a weekly oasis, a monthly oasis and a yearly oasis. Let’s knock down the yearly first or cover it. That’s usually what people refer to as a vacation, all right?

So, we want to make sure that we’re keeping that and having that, but that’s not enough. It’s too far in between. We’re depriving ourselves for far too long a period of time. So, we also want to have once a month, perhaps a half-day or a day that we take that is reserved in advanced just for us to relax and enjoy ourselves, do something that’s fun.

Then once a week, you have something that’s a little shorter, maybe one to two hours once per week that you relax and enjoy this oasis. And then, finally, you have a daily oasis that’s occurring once every day that’s in the neighborhood of 30 minutes to an hour, and that can be anything from watching your favorite Netflix program to working on a hobby, whatever it is that you find enjoyable.

But all of these should not be something that you fit in the seams. The problem, the mistake that many people make with having fun is they do it after everything gets done. They say, “Well, once I do this then I will be able to have it.” But instead we want to have a clear commitment in our schedule of when that’s going to occur.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. So, when it comes to the scheduling, any pro tips for scheduling well?

Dave Crenshaw
Well, the first thing is just to do it.

Pete Mockaitis
All right.

Dave Crenshaw
That sounds so basic yet I’d worked with executives all around the world and I’ll tell you that people are not using their calendar the way that they should. There’s way too much – gosh, what I’d say? Just kind of going with the flow, and that’s not just a problem with having fun, it’s a problem with time management in general. So, you want to get in the habit of using that calendar as a time budget, a commitment in your calendar.

The next thing I would say is try to find natural ebbs and flows in your day. So, there are typically times in the day where you’re going to have more downtime, you’re going to be more relaxed, or not as many interruptions. That’s usually a good time to schedule one of these oases.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, I’m very intrigued by something you said there with regard to you see this with lots of your clients, there’s calendar misuse, there’s way too much going with the flow. Can you expand upon that a little bit? What do you mean by that? And what’s the superior alternative?

Dave Crenshaw
Well, what I mean by that is we are driven by the culture of now.

Pete Mockaitis
All right.

Dave Crenshaw
The culture of now says, “If someone asks me a question, I have to respond to it now. If I’m going to do something, I need to do it right now.” You know, I got a neighbor who does, just kind of as a side hobby, does T-shirts for people. And she said to me, this is almost before, she said, “If someone wants me to do it, I don’t want them to tell me the date by which it gets done. I want them to tell me, ‘I need this tomorrow.’”

Pete Mockaitis
They’d want that.

Dave Crenshaw
Yeah, they’re driven by the adrenaline. But the problem with the culture of now is that it contradicts itself. You cannot do it all now. And if you’re allowing all the inputs to come at you at once you are setting yourself up to try to multitask which is going to really screw things up. So, the superior method is to move to the culture of when.

The culture of when relies upon the calendar, and says, “I am going to work on this project, and this is when I’m going to do it. I’m going to respond to your quick questions, and this is when I’m going to do it. I’m going to make these T-shirts, and here’s the time that I have dedicated in my week to making T-shirts.” That is far superior, it helps you live a more relaxed and less stressful life, and creates opportunities for having fun as well.

Pete Mockaitis
You know, Dave, I’ve seen this in my own life, and I think that in some ways it’s just a matter of getting real about what are the commitments that are actually are you committed versus what resources or time do you really have available, and thus what is actually going to get done versus what is not going to get done.

And to be in the driver seat for actually making those decisions as opposed to, I don’t know, sometimes I feel like a crazy person just like, “Oh, the next thing. Oh, the next thing,” as opposed to getting real, like, “No. In fact, you’re overbooked, you’re overcommitted, overscheduled, and it’s an impossible fantasy to believe that all of those things will be done. And so, it’s sort of like endure the pain now of realizing it ain’t going to happen, and then just decide to schedule, budget the time in a way that is most aligned with your highest order of objectives.

And I know you’ve heard of this and I’ve shared it, but from time to time, you know, everything is sort of descends at once and it’s like, oops, it’s time to take a step back and recollect and get real about the time allocations.

Dave Crenshaw
Yeah, and when you talk about that one thing that really comes to mind is how so many people right now are wearing the busy badge as a badge of honor, “How are you doing?” “Well, I’m really busy,” as if that means that we’re being successful. And the reality is the busy is a white flag of surrender not a badge of honor.

It’s showing that you cannot control your time. What really matters is what results are you getting. In fact, I teach people, I teach my clients that if anyone says, “I’m busy,” to follow up by saying, “Great. What results are you getting?” And what you’re trying to do is shift your mind away from perpetual motion to productivity.

Productivity is not about perpetual motion. It’s about finding your rhythm, and The Power of Having Fun reinforces that, because so many people feel that taking a break to have fun is not productive but in fact it’s part of that rhythm. Taking that downtime is giving you the ability to really perform at maximum levels when you go back to work, and that’s really what rhythm is about.

If you think about rhythm in a song, there are periods of high intensity, there are middle periods that are sort of drifting along, and then there are silence, and all of those things come together to make a beautiful piece of music. It’s the same thing with our personal productivity.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. I dig that. Well, so then, yes, back to having fun, you know, and these oases. I’m curious then, it seems like we have our own intuitive sense for what we like to do, what we find to be fun. But I’d love to know are there some kind of particular components of these oases that make them extra-rejuvenatingly awesome?

Dave Crenshaw
Yeah. Well, and it’s interesting. You would think that people could figure out what’s fun for them yet, gosh, a lot of very successful executives that I worked with, when you ask them, “What do you do for fun?” there’s a very long pause.

Pete Mockaitis
It’s like, “I forgot. I haven’t done it much.”

Dave Crenshaw
Right. Right. So, one of the steps in The Power of Having Fun is discovery, is going through that process. And one of the things that I did in the book was kind of fun, was I surveyed 500 children from all across the US and asked them two questions. The first question, “What do you like to do for fun?” and number two, “What would you say to an adult who has forgotten how to have fun and be happy?”

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, nice.

Dave Crenshaw
And the list that was generated that I put in the book, of all the activities that kids like to do for fun had a purpose. It’s not just, “Oh, this is cute. Look at what kids say.” What I’m doing is asking adults to answer the question, “What did you used to do for fun?” When you were a kid you knew how to have fun. If someone says, “What do you do for fun?” there’s no hesitation. You got a list. My kids have a list of things that they can do to have fun.

And so, what you can do is you don’t have to act like a kid. Personally, I believe adults should like adults. I know some people have a different philosophy on that. But what you can do is find the adult equivalent of what you used to do as a child. So, for instance, I used to like to play with Legos, so perhaps building models is a way to do it. Or maybe doing more advanced Legos, or building something else, right?

Or if you like to play outside, you like to run around maybe you can start doing mountain biking, or walk the dog, or whatever it is that’s enjoyable to you. So, you call upon the wisdom that you had when you were a child to figure out what to do for fun as an adult.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. That’s good. That’s good. And so, then, so you’re reflecting back, “Okay, when I was a kid what did I like to do and what could be some grownup equivalence?” Any other sort of pro tips in the discovery phase?

Dave Crenshaw
Well, another thing that you want to do is make sure that you’re focusing on something that is constructive not destructive, and that goes back to your comment about sex and drugs and stuff like that. It’s important to recognize that when I talk about having fun I am talking about things that build you up and make you happier or don’t have negative consequences.

And one example of this is one female executive that I worked with. She determined that for her, one of her little moments of fun in the day was to enjoy a piece of chocolate, it was just to sit and savor that and enjoy that. And for her that’s not a problem but if somebody else has an eating disorder, using food as a potential reward is not what I’m talking about. So, in that case you’re going to want to find something else that builds you up.

You also want to find things that are well within your budget or free. We’re not talking about spending lots of money and it is not necessary to spend lots of money. Another female business owner that I worked with, for her, her daily oasis was to go for a walk, and she put it in these particular terms. She said, “I want to go for a walk down the hill, go see Bessie the cow,” which there’s a cow pasture near where her office was, “and pat Bessie on the nose and talk to her a little bit and then come back.” For her that was enough of an oasis.

So, let’s make sure that it’s constructive, that it’s cheap to free, and that it is, as I mentioned before, that it’s brief.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Very good. Well, so now, working through your stages here, we sort of naturally organically covered it, we got the permission to play because we’ve seen, “Hey, there’s real research that the dopamine is going to make you better. It’s powerful.” Getting to the bottom of what’s fun and scheduling it. When it comes to putting it on the calendar you said, “It’s key just to do it instead of going with the flow.”

Dave Crenshaw
Yes.

Pete Mockaitis
And to acknowledge the ebbs and flows and rhythms of when you can do that scheduling. I’m curious, are there any kind of patterns you see in terms of beginning the day, end of the day, lunch, or are just kind of tend to make a lot of good sense for a lot of people?

Dave Crenshaw
Usually, I see this right around lunch or at the end of the workday or in the evening. Those are kind of the three major places where most people put their oasis. Typically, in the morning people aren’t ready for it yet. They want to go to work, they’re ready to do work, but there’s nothing wrong with taking that break in addition to lunch.

And notice that I emphasized that it is not lunch. Lunch is what you need to fuel your body then the oasis is what you need to fuel your emotion and your energy. Two separate activities. But those are typically the three major places where people end up scheduling it.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And so then how about protecting that time you’ve scheduled. How do you do that effectively?

Dave Crenshaw
Yeah, so protection, stage four, that’s about looking at some of the things that could get in the way. So, the perspective that I come from as I say, “You want to think of these as different diseases that can creep into your life and you want to inoculate yourself against them. You want to have a strategy to prepare yourself against them.”

For instance, let’s talk about the busy bacteria, right? We talked about how busy is a problem. And so, one thing that we want to do is get in the habit of scheduling buffer time in our day. And buffer time is basically scheduling space for nothing. And that sounds like, “My gosh, who is this guy telling me to schedule time for nothing? How can that be productive?” And I will tell you that it’s one of the keys to being highly productive especially in our day, in the 21st century.

You know, back 34 years ago when people talk about time management and productivity, it was about maximizing every minute, every hour that you had on your schedule. In the 21st century, we have a radically different problem. Our problem is time protection and time reclamation. We are going to get interrupted because of the pace of technology, so we must have extra space in our schedule to accommodate for those interruptions not scheduling our calendar to a razor’s edge.

So, how does that relate to having fun? Well, if I’ve scheduled my calendar right to the minute and then fun comes up and I’m behind because I got interrupted earlier in the day, then what happens? “Oh, well, this doesn’t matter. I need to take care of work, right?” But if we have that buffer space, and if we’re living well within our means in terms of the schedule, we will feel that we have enough time to have fun which we should.

Pete Mockaitis
I hear you. And so then with the buffer space, so you schedule time for nothing. So, it’s interesting, I guess I’m thinking about my email inbox and how it lately has been expanding. And so, then when you say schedule time for nothing, it’s not even scheduling time for inbox clearing which I’ve been thinking, “Maybe this is what has to happen if this is ever going to go down,” but rather to just nothing-nothing.

And so, I’m wondering though do you have like a game plan in terms of, “Okay, if I schedule time for nothing, and then in fact nothing comes up, is there like the backup statement or is this just like, I will sit in silence?”

Dave Crenshaw
Oh, no. Of course, if that time comes up and you don’t have anything then you could use it to help check your inbox or do whatever you want to do. But the thing is when that happens then you feel like you’ve got extra time rather than feeling like, “I can’t keep up with all this. It’s too much.”

And, by the way, what you’re bringing up in terms of just getting your inbox to zero, again that’s a different topic I cover in my course Time Management Fundamentals on LinkedIn Learning. And in that I take people through the entire process of creating a time management system so that you’re bringing your inbox to zero on a regular basis.

And that sort of highlights something that I mentioned in the book which is having good time management, having solid principles that you’re living is an important component of making sure that you’re having this oasis in the day. Because if you’re completely out of control with your time management, if you can’t keep your desk organized, if you can’t keep up with the papers and the email and everything that’s coming at you, then, yes, what I’m asking people to do to have fun is going to become a very tall order.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And so, the final stage is just enjoying the oasis. How does one enjoy fun all the more?

Dave Crenshaw
Yeah, so this one is a really fun one. Whenever I think about this principle of enjoyment I think of one client that I had, and she told me how she was on vacation. She was at a beautiful tropical location, she’s sitting down enjoying the surf and, well, the surf and the sand is around her, she’s got a tropical drink next to her, and then she’s on her phone scheduling, planning her next vacation.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay.

Dave Crenshaw
And she said, “Holy crap, I have a disease.” And so many people have this disease. When fun things happen to us they’re unable to take them in. I’ve experienced this in the past where you have something wonderful happen to you and it just bounces right off of you, and that’s so much a symptom of the multitasking world that we’re living in, our inability to feel it yet we must take time to allow our body to take it in so that we can get that precious dopamine in a positive way.

So, here’s the three-step system that I talk about in the book I gave to this client, and it’s head, heart, mouth. And it’s always helpful to actually point to the body parts to reinforce this in your mind. You point to your head, you point to your heart, you point to your mouth, and here’s how it works.

Head. You intellectually acknowledge something great that happened. So, new instance of my daughter giving me this wonderful thank you card. I intellectually say, to my mind, “That was great to get a card from my daughter. That was enjoyable.” Now that sounds very clinical, and it is. It’s designed to be.

Pete Mockaitis
“I enjoy this experience.”

Dave Crenshaw
Yes, exactly. And it’s supposed to be like that because what you are doing is you’re stopping your brain and saying, “Whoa, don’t move to the next thing. This was good.” Okay? Then we go to the emotional aspect of the heart by asking a question, “How did this make me feel?” This creates an open loop that the brain must close.

So, now I have to think about, “Well, it made me feel really good. It made me feel like I’m a good dad that my daughter would take the time to write this card to me,” whatever it is that comes to your mind. And then we move to mouth which is an acknowledgement, a verbal or written, some sort of external acknowledgement.

So, you can say out loud, “This was great to go on this vacation.” Or, in the case of this card that my daughter gave me, I’ve made another card for her and gave it back to her, and said, “Thank you so much for doing this.” I’m a very practical guy. This isn’t touchy-feely stuff. This is brain science.

What you are doing is you’re strengthening the neural pathways of enjoyment. You’re strengthening your enjoyment muscle and you’re restarting your ability to actually feel good when good things happen to you. It’s a simple principle but it’s powerful. If you practice it over and over, it will completely change your perspective on what’s happening around you.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Awesome. Well, Dave, tell me, anything else you want to make sure to mention before we shift gears and hear about some of your favorite things?

Dave Crenshaw
Well, just if you’re curious about it and not sure if you want to buy the book, you can dive in by taking, there’s an assessment, a free assessment you can get at PowerofHavingFun.com. It’s a 21-question assessment called the Fun Scorecard and you can check your score and find out how well you’re doing in terms of having fun.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Cool. Thank you. So, now can you share with us a favorite quote, something you find inspiring?

Dave Crenshaw
It’s probably not going to be what you expect but I do mention this in the book, and the quote is, “Blessed is he who expects nothing for he shall never be disappointed.”

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Please elaborate.

Dave Crenshaw
Well, so much of happiness in life comes from a matter of expectations met or exceeded. And where people get themselves into trouble is they set expectations or even just kind of go with the flow and create expectations that other people have for them without really being conscious about it. And instead, if you go through life with saying, “You know what? I don’t know what’s going to happen. I can’t expect what’s going to happen,” then when great things occur, you are more likely to be happy and more likely to be successful.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. I dig that. So, now, at the same time, Dave, I’m wondering about like, you know, should we call them standards that we have for ourselves or colleagues that we work with?

Dave Crenshaw
Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Pete Mockaitis
So, in a way a standard is kind of like an expectation, like, “You have met my expectations or you have exceeded my expectations.”

Dave Crenshaw
I look at it a different way.

Pete Mockaitis
All right.

Dave Crenshaw
I use the word values. I use the word vision and values. A vision is where I’m trying to go           in my life, it’s a place that I’m trying to accomplish. And I do think that we should set our visions high. And values are the ways in which we live our life. But you said an interesting thing which is other people not meeting that standard, and if you make your happiness dependent upon other people meeting your expectations you will always be disappointed.

You cannot control the actions of others. Even if you’re a boss and people are getting paid to do stuff, you cannot control their actions. All you can do is get them excited about the result that you’re trying to get and get them on your side. There’s a very big difference, and a kind of – this is a whole other subject – of hinting at the difference between managing and micromanaging.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. Thank you. And how about a favorite book?

Dave Crenshaw
You mean besides mine?

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah.

Dave Crenshaw
You know, I’m a big fan of 7 Habits by Stephen Covey. That was probably the book that really inspired me to do what I do. So, yeah, I think there’s a lot of great wisdom in there that I lean on still to this day.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And how about a favorite tool?

Dave Crenshaw
You know, my favorite tool of the moment, there are lots of tools right now. I’m really enjoying my Google Home Mini and I use it in my office, and I’ve got all my lights setup to it and all sorts of things. And I’ve found that it saved me a ton of time.

Pete Mockaitis
Intriguing. What activities were you doing that have been displaced?

Dave Crenshaw
Well, if you do as much video as I do, you see I have a whole setup in my office. So, now, in fact let’s see if we can even get it to do it. If you can hear it in the background, say, “Okay, Google. Turn on everything.”

Pete Mockaitis
Neat things, huh?

Dave Crenshaw
Yeah, so it turned on my whole setup in my office, and I find myself asking it questions all the time, and it’s super convenient. So, again, I’ve got lots of tools that I love to use but right now that’s the one that I’m thrilled with.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Cool. And how about a favorite habit?

Dave Crenshaw
Well, it’s going to sound like it’s redundant but, honestly, my favorite habit is what we’re talking about, and I didn’t mention what my daily oasis is. I’m a geek and my daily oasis is to play video games for 30 minutes at the end of each day. And that habit, I cite as one of the reasons why I am successful and, perhaps more importantly, why at 5:00 o’clock each day when my children come into my office, I am able to focus on my family and be present with them for the rest of the night instead of continuing to think about work.

Pete Mockaitis
Beautiful. And is there a particular nugget you share in your courses or your trainings that seems to really connect and resonate, getting folks nodding their heads and taking notes and such?

Dave Crenshaw
Boy, I’ll just call the first thing that comes to mind, and it sort of dovetails with what we’ve been talking about. And here’s the principle: you can do anything you put your mind to doing just not all at the same time.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Cool. And, Dave, if folks want to learn more or get in touch, where would you point them?

Dave Crenshaw
Well, again, you can find out more about the book at PowerofHavingFun.com and you can also reach me, I’ve got my blog, I send out a new video every week at DaveCrenshaw.com

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And do you have a final challenge or call to action that you’d issue to folks seeking to be awesome at their jobs?

Dave Crenshaw
Yeah, try this, try The Power of Having Fun for two weeks. Measure where you’re at right now. On a scale of zero to ten, how much energy, how much focus you have at work? Then schedule a daily oasis every day, short ones, just 30 minutes for two weeks. Do it and then re-measure where you’re at, and let’s see whether or not the experiment works for you.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, Dave, thank you so much. This has been a real treat and it’s fun, and it’s license for more fun, so win-win. So, thanks for all that you’ve shared and good luck in all that you’re up to. I hope that you just keep rocking and rolling and spreading this good word.

Dave Crenshaw
Great. Thank you so much for the opportunity, Pete. Appreciate it.

238: The Ingredients of a Great First Impression with Ann Demarais

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Ann Demarais says: "Always try to find one thing to tweak, one way to be just slightly better, and be mindful of that."

Executive coach Ann Demarais highlights ways to become more socially generous and how to make an awesome first impression.

You’ll Learn:

  1. The most common interpersonal flaws–and how to fix them
  2. Four universally-appreciated social gifts that you can give
  3. How to bounce back from a bad first impression

About Ann 

 

Ann Demarais, the founder of First Impressions, has more than 20 years of experience in applied psychology, specializing in interpersonal communication, impression management, social skills, and executive coaching. She works with senior executives who want to enhance their leadership impact.  She was a consultant to the Social Intelligence Program at Columbia University Business School; her client list includes Verizon, Hilton Hotels, Disney, Bank of America, Xerox, CitiGroup, JPMorgan, and the FBI among many others.  Ann is co-author of First Impressions: What You Don’t Know About How Others See You, which was published by Random House and translated into 24 languages.  Ann holds a Ph.D. in Psychology from New York University.

Items Mentioned in this Show:

Ann Demarais Interview Transcript

Pete Mockaitis
Ann, thanks so much for joining us here on the How to be Awesome at Your Job podcast.

Ann Demarais
Oh, I’m so excited, Pete. Thanks for inviting me.

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, I think we’re going to have so much fun at the end of this. And I understand that there is an interesting backstory behind your company First Impressions. Can we hear it?

Ann Demarais
Well, I started First Impressions from doing a lot of executive coaching and leadership workshops in the corporate world, and I realized that the core skills that actually make you awesome at work and in life are interpersonal skills and self-presentation, so I took some of the corporate methodologies to the personal world as well, and give people feedback by how they come across not just in business settings but in job interviews and even simulated first states. And we do seminars on these topics, so it’s really a deep dive into self-presentation.

Pete Mockaitis
Now, simulated first states, is that something that you came up with as a means of helping folks improve their skills? Or how did that emerge?

Ann Demarais
Yes, we realized that this kind of methodology of giving people feedback about how they come across is really, really powerful but was only available to people in the corporate world or actually in the other end in like psychiatric hospitals, but for the average man on the street there wasn’t an opportunity to get feedback about how they come across socially and interpersonally.

So, my business partner at the time, Valerie White and I started this business where we would thought, “Who will be most interested?” and we thought people on the dating world, so we actually did create and launched the very first – others are doing it now – but we had the very first simulated first state business model.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s so cool. And so, then, I have some friends, we’ve talked about how some people could use some help and we’d be happy to give it to them, so that must’ve been interesting.

Ann Demarais
Yeah, and it’s awkward to give it to your friends so that’s why it’s helpful to go to a professional. So, yes, it was really interesting, met fabulous people, and people learned a real lot. They have blind spots they never knew before. They got that kind of feedback.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, so, yeah, that’s exactly what I’d like to go next in terms of these blind spots. What are some of things you see over and over again, that people, they just don’t even realize others are perceiving or inferring about them?

Ann Demarais
Well, there’s so many ways that we do some things, Pete, that are positive and send a positive message, and then there’s some things we do that send unintended negative messages, and so there’s a lot of ways that people kind of blind spots. We just don’t see ourselves the way others do. Like when we hear ourselves on audio or even video tape, it seems awkward, so there’s lots of these blind spots.

So, some of the common ones, which I can share a little bit of, is, well, one is called conversational narcissism, and that means talking a lot about yourself, using “I” statements, and talking about your world, your family, your work, etcetera. And it’s actually more common than you realize, and people just sometimes aren’t aware that they’re going on about themselves just because it’s interesting and top of mind.

But it’s an easy fix if you know you have this tendency or you find yourself speaking a little bit more, a little bit longer than you intended about yourself. You can just shift and say, “So, tell me, Pete, about you and tell me about your world. I was just talking about X. You share what you’re doing in that area.” So, it’s a common flaw with an easy fix.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. What else?

Ann Demarais
Well, another one, there’s people that do research, interestingly, about topics and which are the most appealing and least appealing. The least appealing topic is what they called negative egocentrism. That’s complaining about one’s problems. Again, these top of minds, like the big ones, “My computer glitched.” “My iPhone has this problem.” These kinds of things are really, really boring to other people, especially people you’ve just met.

Pete Mockaitis
You know, Ann, I really appreciate you saying this because sometimes people do this, and I’m thinking, “I don’t care,” and then I feel like, “Oh, Pete, you should be more compassionate. You should be more kind in listening.” But you’re telling me, “No, Pete, it’s universally people don’t really want to hear it.”

Ann Demarais
We could talk about how to turn that more positively but it is a universally-unappealing topic, and you’re reacting the way most people do.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. I’m not jerk.

Ann Demarais
But sometimes we all might fall into a pattern of whining about this so it’s a good thing to have a little self-check about, “I’ve complained about a problem I might have.” It’s good to remember that it’s really an unappealing and it’s a real downer.

Pete Mockaitis
All right.

Ann Demarais
So, another thing that research has shown is, again, this negativity thing. speaking negatively about other, so if you describe someone as being like lazy and tedious, or boring or something, we have this mental modeling, they call it, where we sometimes leave the conversation confused, and sometimes remember you as the person with those negative traits.

So, if on the other hand you describe someone, your colleague that’s like really creative and strategic and fun and all these things, after the conversation, people might project those qualities on you, so it’s in your self-interest. First of all, it’s more interesting and not as boring as this negative, but it’s in your self-interest to speak positively about other people. It creates a good vibe and it actually makes you seem more awesome.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Oh, I like that. So very, very helpful stuff there in terms of narcissism as me, me, me, me, me, complaining about a problem that I’m experiencing, speaking negatively about others are all sort of, it sounds like are some universal things that are not a winning approach. And so, then, I’d love to get your take then when it comes to some of the particulars that we have, our own blind spots, by definition, I guess we don’t know about them. So, how can we know how we’re making other people feel? I understand you got a framework associated with four ways to focus.

Ann Demarais
Yeah. So, at any conversation with, say, two people, there’s different ways we focus. The first is how I’m feeling. So, if I’m meeting a new client I might be feeling nervous or confident or uncomfortable or whatever, just pops to my awareness. It’s a natural focus. But then, after a little while, I might think, “Okay. Well, how do I think about this other person? What are my thoughts or feelings about them?”

And then the third way is, eventually if I know I’m being evaluated like I’m on a client pitch or a job interview, I might think, “What’s this person? What’s Pete thinking about me? I’m kind of curious about that.” But the one way we don’t typically focus is on how is that person feeling about him or herself, and how is my interaction with them impacting them, with the aim to like be more socially generous.

So, if you use it as a framework to be socially generous, make other people feel better about themselves, you’ll make a more awesome impression.

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, Ann, I dig that because I was chucking along, I was like, “Okay, this is like a little two-by-two we’re talking about here in terms of us and them and then the feelings.” And you’re right, how are they feeling about themselves is not active question that I’m pursuing in my internal dialogue very much. And so, I guess I’m wondering, how could we even know how they’re feeling about themselves? And what are some key things that we can do to, I guess, help them feel better if they’re feeling bad in certain ways?

Ann Demarais
Well, it’s a good question. Yeah, it’s a really good question. People are saying, like, “Well, I’d like to be more socially generous. I give money to charity but I don’t think about giving to other people.” And people have different things they like out of interactions but there some universals. We call them social gifts, things that most people like.

So, there’s four of them. The first one is feeling appreciated. So, if you have a colleague that said something that you think is interesting or does something creative, and you point that out rather than remaining quiet, then that people feel good and they feel like you respect their talents or accomplishments. It’s just a universally positive thing to feel respected in that regard.

The next one is feeling connected. We all like to feel part of a larger, connected, interdependent group. So, if you say something, and I say, “I feel the same way, too,” or, “I share that value,” or, “I have that experience,” or, “I agree with you.” That makes that, that’s a gift of connection.

The third one is just making people feel a sense of elevation, a little levity. We probably all know people that when you talk to them, they put a smile on your face, you’re happy. Most people it’s kind of neutral, and then there’s kind of the Debbie-downers, so it’s good to think about, “What about you? Do you like…?” It doesn’t mean you have to be a jokester, but just having more kind of uplifting manner and mood about you is a gift. Most people like to feel elevated.

And the last is what we call enlightenment, like providing information, sharing your ideas, or having new information, or putting things out on the table there. It makes you more interesting, and it’s enlightening them with more fun facts and things. So, having these four things, if maybe you know someone offhand that kind of provides you with these things, makes you feel smart and puts you in a fun mood, and they’re interesting, very charismatic, really strong leadership qualities.

But if you’re like most people, you may have a stronger suit like you might be really informative but you don’t get out of your way to make people feel appreciated, so you might be depriving them of that kind of feeling and warmth, and you’re not as generous in that area. If you think about maybe where you are strong and weak you can tweak that and go out of your way to say, “Gee, I don’t really go out.” Think about complimenting people, and, “Maybe I should, in a genuine way, and that will make them feel better, and so they’ll feel better from having interacted with me.”

Pete Mockaitis
Well, it’s funny, I’m right now thinking about my former roommate, Dave, who just everybody loves, and I think he very much does some of these things in terms of appreciating and respecting, feeling connected, and then the levity and enlightenment. And sometimes I’m just thinking about a time where I was playing some old-school dorky computer game that I love in my childhood called Master of Orion, and I was all fired up because you’re trying to take over the galaxy and that’s the idea, it’s like, “nobody really cares if you start talking about this to people.”

So, I was playing the game and I went back to the kitchen, and he’s like, “Hey, how are you doing?” And I was like, “Oh, I’m awesome because I’ve got all these missile bases, they can’t touch me and I’m just smoking the other guys.” And he’s like, “Well, how many missile bases do you have?” I was like, “Well, I’ve got like 120.” He’s like, “How many do they have?” And I was like, “Forty.” And he’s like, “Wow! You’re going to destroy them.”

Ann Demarais
So, he was like generally interested and totally engaged in your world.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, I don’t think he was really interested, but in a way there was that levity in that he’s going to appreciate and respect me in so far as he’s like, “I know you’re excited about this right now, and I think that’s cool. I like that you’re excited and we can sort of connect about that a little bit.” And then we can just have a little bit of a laugh associated with, “Well, what if those missile bases have some crazy shields. What do I do?”

[00:12:12]

And so, I thought that was just noteworthy because, well, everyone loves Dave, and Dave engaged me in that conversation in a way that most people really don’t. It’s like, “All right. Good luck, dude.” So, they just conclude it pretty quickly.

Ann Demarais
Right. So, he was connecting and elevating and actually respecting how many bases you had or whatever, right?

Pete Mockaitis
Right. And I think the levity in particular is just like I don’t know how you teach or to deliver that, but I guess part of it is smiles and laughs and eye contact and a vocal intonation, that’s like, “Oh,” that sounds a little kind of interested. But what are some of the key ways or practices, I should say, that folks who bring that?

Ann Demarais
Part of it is being in the moment. I mean, he was in the moment. He was listening intently. He was engaging and really exploring that, so that’s a really good thing. And also finding fun in something, like sort of the positive, “Hey, this is so great. Pete is having a great time.” Like you said, he’s like just feeding off of that positive mood and giving you back more of it.

Pete Mockaitis
Yes, that’s great way to say it, feeding off the positive mood and giving back more of it. And I think when it comes to the appreciation, sometimes, I recall once I was on a date and it wasn’t so great, and I was wondering, “Why is that?” And maybe one or both of us could’ve used your services to have improved it. And I think it was like I would say something and she just sort of said, “Okay.” It’s almost like the opposite of improv, “Yes, and…” instead of entering my world. Maybe it was silly. Maybe it was different. I don’t know. Maybe it was odd. I don’t know.

But instead of entering that world, she just sort of put the kibosh on it as opposed to even just acknowledging something that someone said and then taking another step into it, I think, it feels like you’re being appreciated.

Ann Demarais
Yes, it’s a strong feeling, right? It feels really good. And, back to that, asking open-ended questions, which was what your roommate was doing, like, “How many?” and just exploring. And rather than having this sort of superficial conversations where it just ends or asking a close-ended question, that shows a genuine curiosity. And cultivating that actually yields unexpected results.

Like sometimes we don’t think this person is going to be interesting. And if you explore a little below the surface you find really interesting things in people. And so, if you can let go of our self-focus, really explore, discover other people, you can find lots of fun.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, can you share, maybe in terms of that curiosity, I guess maybe some of the questions that you ask yourself to stoke the curiosity, as well as questions you ask your conversation partner to get into more intriguing realms of conversation?

Ann Demarais
Yes, so showing interests is one of the most important fundamentals of making a positive impression. And if you remember nothing else from this, this is one of the most powerful techniques to use, is to show interests. There’s a physical focus in the eye contact, these open-ended questions, and then one of the easiest things to do is to say, “Oh, that reminds me of me. I used to play this other video game, and let me tell you about that, and this fantastic time when I blew up all the galaxies.” It’s very easy to segue back to our own world and steal the spotlight away.

So, it’s one thing to be super mindful of even if you’re dying to share your story to try to keep the spotlight on the other person, and that means really managing your distractions and being able to stay in the moment with that person and relate to what they’re saying. It’s not that hard to do. It just takes a little bit of practice and a little bit of checking some tendencies of segueing.

Pete Mockaitis
I hear you.

Ann Demarais
Sometimes people even segue back to themselves as a way to showcase some positive qualities about themselves, so they sometimes do it deliberately to like talk about themselves.

Pete Mockaitis
“One time I conquered the galaxy when I was outnumbered five-to-one.”

Ann Demarais
Exactly. So, that’s a really, really important fundamental of making an awesome impression. So, part of what we do – and, by the way, we have a book called First Impressions – What You Don’t Know About How Others See You – is break it down into what are the key things that make people have a strong impression and come across awesomely, that’s one of the big ones. Making yourself accessible with your body language and mood, being more proactive in introducing yourself rather than passive, is it allows people to kind of connect with you and feel more comfort around you.

Pete Mockaitis
So, that’s just a matter of walking right up to folks and saying hello and shaking hands. Or any particulars to note there?

Ann Demarais
Oh, you know, we’ve all walked into a party or a conference where we really don’t know anyone, and there’s a sort of the choice between sort of standing in the corner with your cocktail or going up and introducing yourself, and it’s a discomfort that lot of us have to overcome. So, having that, you’ll look better and you’ll look more confident and you’ll feel better if you take the active versus the passive approach. Go up to a person that’s standing alone who’s probably dying to talk to someone.

Be okay with going up to other people. Invite other people to join you. It makes other people feel more comfortable around you. You’re easy to connect with. Now, obviously, in some situations people are going to be having an intense conversation that you can’t bust into. But if you practice more often, just going up and saying, “I’m Pete. I’m with this organization, blah, blah, blah,” it just makes everyone more comfortable around you and then they could see you in that light.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. So, we got that showing interests, we got the accessibility. What are some of the other key fundamentals?

Ann Demarais
All right. So, then, you’re at a conference and you’d have to figure out what to talk about, your mutual blank slates. What do you talk about? Do you jump into your position on gun control or politics? So, generally, you want to like sort of ease in. You want to like establish trust and comfort with someone before you jump into like more heady things that are even more interesting but it really sounds kind of banal but talking about just the moment, the weather, the situation, the music that’s playing, that just makes people feel like you’re a nice and normal person and we’re sharing the same space.

Then talk about the facts, like, “Hey, what’s going on in the company?” or, “What’s going on in this conference?” and just sharing those kinds of things. And then, if you have that kind of trust and rapport, then you can talk more about opinions, “Hey, what do you think about that speaker?” or, “What do you think about what’s going on in the office politics, etcetera?” You can go into that. Then if you disagree you still have such a foundation of maybe connection that you can work through those things and really enjoy that person rather than jumping into things.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s’ why I like that segmentation there in terms of a) the situation, b) facts, and c) opinions, because opinions, even if they’re not like, I don’t know, gun control, abortion, Donald Trump, insert high-controversy matter. Even if the opinion is like the speaker, that does feel a little bit, well, I guess maybe significantly more sensitive in so far as, “Well, I don’t know, is that speaker like your cousin? I thought they’re really boring,” that might be offensive to you.

Or, if this is a high point of passion for you, and I say that, “I thought it was dumb and completely unnecessary,” that could be destructive. So, you’re right, like the opinion, even if it’s maybe potentially innocuous, like the speaker or the food, that is more sensitive than facts or the situation.

Ann Demarais
So, it’s just easing in and establishing trust and connection, and then you can go a little bit further. And it’s important in the beginning to kind of be brief and then make sure that you’re not talking at people and you’re talking with them. Sometimes people fall into a pattern of sermonizing, trying to convince people of their way of thinking, Lecturing. Men tend to do a little bit of this. They know something out of topic and they like to talk about it, male-pattern lecturing.

When I talk to men after they do this, they often say it makes them feel good. They feel like they’re informing people. They feel smart. And so, it’s just you have to remember that you’re pinning someone as an audience member, depriving them, again, of those other social gifts. Women have a tendency to tell long stories about people that other people don’t know, “My friend is having this relationship problem, blah, blah, blah,” that is unappealing in a lot of situations.

So, you want to be careful not to go into kind of talking at people, not getting too heavy or banal. So those are some ways to sort of think about topics of the world. Then another thing that’s helpful to know is to self-disclose. We all sort of know that we should share basic demographics about ourselves. The more you do, I mean, there’s this whole movement towards being authentic at work, right? So, you want to be like a whole person and be honest.

And then, if you do share parts of yourself, then people feel more trust and psychological safety with you, they’re easier to collaborate with you. Of course, there are some guardrails. You want to keep it, again, having some levity and you don’t want to go into something that’s too deep and personal and making people feel awkward. But if you can give people portals to talk to you about things other than work they feel more comfortable around you.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s good. That’s good.

Ann Demarais
So, things that are good to share are like your passions, what really sparks you, what galaxies you like to go to, etcetera, vulnerabilities are humanizing, “You know, I screwed up on this. I feel like such a dope or whatever.” It just makes you feel – it makes people feel comfortable around you.

Pete Mockaitis
And so, then, I’d love a couple of guidelines there with regard to how much is too much. It seems like my hunch is you could probably disclose a bit more vulnerability than you feel like you can disclose, hence the word vulnerable and what it means. But do you have any kind of clear don’ts with regard to your self-disclosure?

Ann Demarais
I don’t know if there’s any hard or fast rules, but you might want to sort of match. So, if you share something, and someone shares something back, that’s giving you kind of the green light, but if people seem uncomfortable then you might be oversharing. And, again, a lot of like negative stuff, you had this knockdown dragged out fight with your significant other the night before might be uncomfortable for people to hear so you might want to be kind of careful about that. But that said, the more people feel complimented if you share things about yourself than they wouldn’t know unless you share with them. It says, “I like you.” It says, “I trust you.”

Pete Mockaitis
You know, it’s really true. I’m thinking about some people, and it’s like, “Man, you know what? I feel like I’m really close with that guy.” And then I come to learn, “Wait a minute, he discloses that with everybody.” So, I guess I’m still close with that guy but I guess I’m not like special.

Ann Demarais
You thought he was your closest buddy.

Pete Mockaitis
Right. But I had inferred that we had a pretty privilege relationship based upon, “Well, he really just sort of shared what was going on with that girl and her moving and all the implications of how it’s tough.” It’s like, “Man, me and this guy, we’re tight.” And then it’s like, “Oh, I guess he’s shared that with many people.”

Ann Demarais
But you had that experience, right?

Pete Mockaitis
Totally, yes.

Ann Demarais
The compliment, “He likes me enough,” right?

Pete Mockaitis
Absolutely.

Ann Demarais
So, I mean, I think the more better, you have to sort of understand that the culture of the workplace that you’re in, which is going to vary, but, yes, it makes people feel more comfortable around you.

So, the next fundamental is kind of the dynamics of the conversation, like the rhythm, the speed, the intensity, who talks more, etcetera. You’ve probably all been in meetings where you notice that some people talk a lot more than other people. The natural extroverts are going to just narrate their thoughts and ramble, and the natural introverts maybe need a little bit more time to speak and will speak less.

So, these things really affect how people show up and how much that they share and how they make other people feel, so it’s really helpful to think about yourself. Like if you’re in a meeting of four people, you should probably be speaking, on average, a quarter of the time. Are you someone that typically speaks more than your quarter or less than your quarter, kind of thing? And so, being able to synchronize with the other person will really increase the quality of your interaction and how they feel around you.

So, some tips for this. If you’re an over-talker, before you go into a meeting, give yourself a budget, “I only get X number of minutes,” whatever the math gives you, and kind of like highlight the key things you want to speak to. If you’re someone that kind of under-speaks, make sure that you think in advance of some things you want to introduce so that you’ve kind of teed them up, and try to speak earlier in the meeting, try to say something even procedural, like, “Hey, thanks for the agenda, Pete,” and just get yourself kind of as a presence at the table.

And so, it’s about the speed, intensity, whether you pause for others, how you synchronize. Another key thing, it’s almost inevitable that two people will speak at the same time in some interaction, I think you and I already have, and it’s just part of life. And then whether you yield typically or regain the floor sends a message. If you yield, it’s like saying, “Pete, whatever you have to say it’s way more interesting than what I wanted to share.” But if I over-talk you it sends the opposite message.

Pete Mockaitis
Right. And I’d be very careful not to talk at the same time. But if I did I would yield to you, Ann. I would yield. I’ve learned. I’m learning.

Ann Demarais
It’s okay. It’s part of nature to speak at the same time. All right, my next fundamental is perspective. That’s kind of the psychological self-presentation you make, whether you show flexibility, how positive or negative, whether you present yourself as a victim, blame your boss for things or superior or inferior. All these things can come out and may or may not serve you well.

In general, as you probably would guess, it’s better to be flexible and positive and sort of equal with people rather than blameful or negative. But some people have a blind spot, they think, “Well, I’m not complaining. I’m just explaining. It doesn’t mean that I’m being negative about this.” So, it might be something to be aware of if your patterns are sending a message you didn’t intend.

And the last one is your physical presentation, and that’s really about how you kind of show up physically. And regardless of how you look or your age, whether you show pride versus shame in your body really affects kind of the confidence that you project and whether you have impact.

Pete Mockaitis
Pride versus shame.

Ann Demarais
Yeah.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. So, can you give us some examples of what a prideful versus shameful presentation looks like?

Ann Demarais
Well, the classic example is Superman or Clark Kent, right? Same body. And you can see women that would be considered like large or not sexy, like Queen Latifah, shows up like, “I am the queen.” She has this incredible confidence, wears form-fitting things, and she’s just magnetic, right? So, there’s people that can just show up and have all the confidence in the world, and there’s some people that can be fabulous-looking and just sort of recoil. So, there is an expansiveness about pride, and a sort of recoiling about shame.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, what I’m thinking about power posing, Amy Cuddy, like you say expansive poses. And what are some of the other ingredients there?

Ann Demarais
Yes, so Amy Cuddy’s work, as you may know, has gotten some scrutiny but I’m actually an advocate and find it personally to be beneficial. So, if the listening audience doesn’t know, she proposes expanding your body for two minutes before you have a presentation in like a starfish or like a Wonder Woman, and it can give you more confidence and you feel stronger and less nervous in new situations.

But there is data that I’ve read before she came out with hers, that when you naturally assign people to superior versus inferior role just randomly like with subjects in and experiment, the teacher or the superior roles naturally spreads their arms further and takes up more physical space. It’s almost ingrained in our behavior, in our role-taking, and the subordinate would be more kind of smaller, make one’s self smaller.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. So, that’s one sort of ingredient or dimension associated with presentation, is do you feel like, “Oh, I don’t deserve to take up this space”? You’re very timid versus, “I am the queen,” or just sort of occupying that Superman and Clark Kent. What are some of the other dimensions or ingredients associated with sort of a strong presentation?

Ann Demarais
So, strong body language, and there’s a lot of research that are unfounded but there are some things that are really strong and are supported with projecting power. So, having a good physical posture. So, you can notice, and actually before you give a presentation, use your little devices and videotape yourself. Do you have a strong, you know, your shoulders out? Or do you slouch it all? That makes a really big difference.

Leaning in slightly versus leaning back, even in a meeting, shows interest and power and engagement. Eye contact really matters a lot. So, there’s data showing that most people make eye contact about 50%-60% of the time. If you go above that it’s still even better because it shows really like you’re focused and all that charismatic kind of attention on someone.

If you go below that, you can look distrustful or uncomfortable. And when I work with people that don’t make the average amount of eye contact, they often don’t know because they look away before others so they don’t really get the data, so to speak. So, if you have any sense that you might be like that, or you’re not sure, it’s really helpful to ask somebody to give you some feedback on that because it really makes a difference and it’s something that you can train yourself over time to just go past your comfort point and just in eye contact with someone.

And then smiling.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, okay, just because we’re on the eye contact point. When it comes to that, I would love your take on should you look right at the person’s eyeball or pupil or eyebrow, their nose, the left eye, the right eye? Is there an optimal means of making eye contact?

Ann Demarais
Most of the studies I’ve seen shown that people actually sort of scan around that space. They don’t necessarily lock left eye to right eye, etcetera. But looking around that person’s facial area constitutes eye contact. It’s when people look at the walls. People kind of feel that they need a blank visual to think, and that like a face is sort of like visually noisy. So, you don’t have to worry about the percentage of time you’re looking at the brow versus the eyes, but looking in that general area would do, would give that impression.

And then the smiling one, which we talked about before, it’s so powerful that it affects people’s behavior, that the study that they have people smile upon people, or not smile upon them on the street, and then later have someone drop something. The smiled-upon people are more likely to pick something up for the person than the ones that didn’t get smiled upon. A very like brief, like one-second smile affects people’s mood and their actual behavior.

So, when you smile, you’re kind of projecting that physical confidence, and you’re projecting that presence, that pride, that you’re happy, that you’re safe, and that you’re a positive person, and it affects the world around you in this really nice way.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s nice. Thank you. All right. Well, so then, I’m wondering now, these are a nice sort of set of great ingredients for making a solid first impression. Any particular tweaks or emphasis you’d put on this when it comes to in the work environment so that it’s really coming across in great ways with the people you see not just once but again and again and again?

Ann Demarais
Sure, I have some tips. Well, one thing that’s so fabulous about being in the workplace compared to the social is you can get feedback from these things. Your boss’ job is to give you feedback, and if you solicit the feedback it even makes you look really proactive and development-oriented. So, if you have any suspicion that maybe you could be better at any of these things we talked about, you can go to your boss and say, “Hey, I’d love to know how I come across when I’m presenting. Do you have any feedback about my body language? How about my communication style in meetings? Do you think I speak the right amount? Should I speak more or less, etcetera?”

In the social world, no one will give you this. And when you were on the date that didn’t go well, no one gave you any feedback, right?

Pete Mockaitis
Right.

Ann Demarais
So, it’s so wonderful that it actually affects the bottom line, and your manager would probably love to tell you this, or you could get a mentor, or ask a trusted colleague. But the key things you want to do that really are going to make you awesome is making yourself accessible. There’s something about this now, this big movement towards psychological safety so that you can make people feel comfortable around you, comfortable to raise ideas, to maybe debate things.

So, when you make, by disclosing things and making people feel good around you, you create that kind of feeling of trust and safety, and that fosters much better collaboration and much better workflow in environment, so that’s an easy and really helpful thing you can do. Again, being interested and coming in to meetings with, yes, you’ve got some ideas, but really opening your heart, being other-oriented exploring.

If someone says something that you think is really a bad idea, challenge yourself to say, “Hey, I never thought of that way. Can you tell me more about that point of view?” That can help you to cultivate that curiosity that will make you actually available to more ideas and are more comfortable as a collaborator.

And then, again, being careful to present yourself as a whole person and making sure that people feel that they know you – this is why they do a lot of team building – that you’re someone that they can go to and trust and feel that you care about them. So, going back to being like my social generosity framework, being generous to people so that they feel good about themselves from interacting with you.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, and it’s interesting, even as we’re chatting, I’ve heard you used the word awesome several times, and I don’t know if that’s just part of your common vernacular or if this is a conscientious choice on your part with the name of the show How To Be Awesome At Your Job, and word choice. Is there something to that when it comes to using a social gift and being endearing using the words that the person you’re speaking with uses?

Ann Demarais
Yes, very good catch there, Pete. Yes, if you use other people’s vocabulary, if they call something and it’s as not the word you normally choose to use, adapt to the other person’s vocabulary, so that does make people feel more connected to you. Try to make it easier for them, use their words. So, I was using the word awesome, I like the word awesome a lot but I was adapting it to your awesomeness in your podcast.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, it’s like I’m endeared each time you say it, so it’s working. Well, so then, I’m wondering if, let’s say, the first impression is not so good, and we’ve made some mistakes, failed to be generous, violating some of the fundamentals of a good first impression. What can we do if we have a suboptimal first impression? Is it possible to overcome it?

Ann Demarais
Yes, and it happens to the best of us. So, it’s, again, part of life. Yes, you can, if you’re going to see the person again, if they’re going to be a new colleague or client. If they’re someone you’re not going to see again it would be inappropriate to track them down to try to correct it. But if it’s someone that you’re going to see, you can sort of do a little bit of a correction. You can send them an email.

I prefer sending an email rather than calling them and putting them on the spot, and say, “Hey, you know, I was really tired when we met the other day, and sometimes when that happens I do acts, it’s like I talk a lot more. And I apologize, that’s not how I really am, and I’m really want to get to know you, so I look forward to learning more about you in our next interaction.” People often feel endeared by an apology, and it can help to reset things more quickly.

Like, of course, you have to correct your behavior the next time or you dig yourself deeper. But you can do that and I think not putting them on the spot is more comfortable than saying that directly and having them having to react to it in the moment. If you’re uncomfortable doing that, over time your future positive behaviors will tip the scale and they’ll see you as this really great person that you really are and not that one annoying-style person that you were that first time.

It takes working kind of uphill. As I said in the beginning, we form impressions kind of quickly and unconsciously, and people expect us to behave in the same kind of way all the time, so you’re fighting that but you can overcome it. Or you can be using the social generosity framework. If you know that person likes a lot of levity or they like lots of information, you can adapt yourself to what they like and give them more of the kind of the social gifts that they like, and then you might tip the scales more quickly. So, it is very possible to recover.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Thank you. Well, Ann, this has been so much good stuff. Now, tell me, is there anything else you want to make sure to mention before we shift gears and hear about some of your favorite things?

Ann Demarais
No, I think those are the key things, there’s a lot here. Of course, we have this book that I mentioned. And on our website, we have these tables that are a great tool that are like positive behaviors that you do with positive impact, and then some that you do that have an unintended negative impact, and you can print them out and kind of self-evaluate, “Do I do that? Do I do that sometimes? Often? Rarely?” It’s kind of a little self-awareness tool that’s really helpful and then it can inspire you to try to experiment so that you come across more positively.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Thank you. Well, so now, can you share with us a favorite quote, something you find inspiring?

Ann Demarais
Oh, I have this. It’s actually on the end of our book. It’s Goethe, and I don’t know if I’m pronouncing his name correctly.

Pete Mockaitis
Goth?

Ann Demarais
Goth? Yes, Goth.

Pete Mockaitis
I never know either. Goethe?

Ann Demarais
Something like that. I’ll use your word. Goethe or Goth? And he wrote this, it says, “I’ve come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It’s my personal approach that creates the climate. It’s my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations it’s my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or deescalated, and a person is humanized or dehumanized.” So, I think it’s really helpful to realize how much power we have to impact other people around us.

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, that’s excellent. Thank you. And how about a favorite book?

Ann Demarais
A favorite book. Well, I’m a huge fan of Dale Carnegie’s How to.Win Friends and Influence People       which I think is just a great classic. If you haven’t read it, it’s like 100 years old or something but it’s brilliant. There’s been so many great writers on this topic and it is something that which I find interesting is it’s not complicated or hard to understand, but it’s just not intuitive. So, there’s many, many people that have spoken about it in really interesting ways.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Thank you. And how about a favorite tool?

Ann Demarais
So, I think this tool that I mentioned of using self-analysis on how you behave, and I also am a huge fan of asking for feedback. And it’s something you can do with people and you have to practice, saying thank you and not debating it, and just processing it and taking note of it, so that’s a really great tool.

Another tool I use with my coach-ees is think about how much you respect people, like in your heart of hearts. I call it a respect matrix. All the people, some of them are eight, some of them are twos, some of them are fives, with ten being high. Then thinking about how transparent are you. To the people that are eights, they probably know that you like them because you behave so positively to them. But to the people that are like twos and fives, do they know that? Do you show how much you truly respect people? Or do you aim to show a higher respect than you really feel?

And then my next kind of question on that is, “What’s your goal?” And I would argue that if you try to make everyone feel like a ten in your eyes, like they’re your favorite child, that you see something really positive and that you respect them for who they are and where they’re coming from, that you have a really positive impact on people.

And so, sometimes with people that you just naturally aren’t drawn to or don’t like is just part of human nature, seek to learn more about them, try to find something that you really would genuinely find interesting about them, and there’s people that have lots of depth.

Pete Mockaitis
Beautiful. Thank you. And how about a favorite habit?

Ann Demarais
So, I think that – and since I’m in the personal improvement industry – if you try to think about just one thing that you want to improve on yourself and make it kind of like a goal, it could be something as simple as smiling a couple more times per day, and focus on that for a while until you make it a new habit.

And so, make it something like you put down in your calendar or your to-do list or whatever it is, and challenge yourself, because these little tiny things that you do, even if you do them, especially if you do them early in your career, will pay you huge dividends. And sometimes a slight effort or a little bit out of your comfort zone that really not only is good for you but think again with the pay-it-forward. The more you do these things and make other people happy around you, the more you spread like really positive vibes, so think about the people around you as much as yourself.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Thank you. And is there a particular nugget or articulation of your message you share that seems to really connect with folks in terms of they’re taking notes and nodding their heads all the more vigorously when you say it?

Ann Demarais
Well, I think I go back to my generosity thing in thinking about that you can give money, and you can donate your time, and you can walk your walks for different medical conditions. We all do all these things all the time, but we sometimes forget to just be enlightening and make someone feel happier, and that it’s such an easy thing to do. And that, again, it can sort of spread and there’s this like contagion of it. And that, if we all were more socially generous, it would be a happier and warmer world.

Pete Mockaitis
Beautiful. And is there a place you’d like to point people if they want to learn more or get in touch?

Ann Demarais
Sure. We have a website, of course. It’s www.FirstImpressionsConsulting.com, and we offer coaching, we have those tables, we have seminars, other information, etcetera.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And do you have a final challenge or call to action you’d issue to folks seeking to be awesome at their jobs?

Ann Demarais
Call to action is to find that one thing that they want to work on and commit to it and ask for feedback and make it part of your everyday life or throughout your career. Always try to find one thing to tweak, one way to be just slightly better, and be mindful of that.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. Well, Ann, thank you so much for taking this time. This has been very informative and I appreciate it and I hope you have tremendous first impressions with whomever you meet.

Ann Demarais
All right. Thanks so much, Pete. It was a lot of fun.

235: The Power of Finding Your Why with David Mead

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David Mead says: "Show up to give."

Author and Simon Sinek colleague David Mead shares the importance of starting with why you do what you do–and how to find that why.

You’ll Learn:

  1. The benefits of starting with why
  2. Examples of effective and ineffective “whys”
  3. The process to find your why

About David 

David is committed to a world in which the vast majority of people wake up inspired to go to work, feel safe while they’re there and go home at the end of the day fulfilled by the work they do. David co-authored Find Your Why, with Simon Sinek. The book provides a step-by-step, practical guide on how to discover the Why for any individual, team or organization. David has presented these simple, inspiring ideas on 5 continents to over 150 organizations in a wide range of industries.

Items Mentioned in this Show:

David Mead Interview Transcript

Pete Mockaitis
David, thanks so much for joining us here on the How to be Awesome at Your Job podcast.

David Mead
You’re welcome. Thanks for having me.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, I think we’re going to have such a fun chat because I’m really into what it is you do. But in doing a little bit of digging in your background I saw that you were once an Apple Store associate. Any fun tales from that time? And are you getting the iPhone X?

David Mead
The thing that sticks out in my memory about that is I don’t know what I was thinking but I showed up to my interview, it was a group interview, and I showed up in a shirt and tie, and they literally laughed at me. And so, I learned very quickly that we were going to be a little bit more casual there which worked out great. But I loved it, loved working there.

To answer the other question, absolutely, yes. Funny story about that, I woke up like 15 minutes before midnight on November 2, I think, or November 3 when it was released, and I was like, “Ah, I’ll go back to sleep. It’ll be fine. I’ll be able to order it when I wake up next time,” because I’m 40 and now I wake up multiple times at night.

And so, I happen to wake up at like 12:45 and I got on and I completed my purchase, and they said, “Your delivery date is December 5 to the 15,” and I was like, “What? Are you kidding me? This is supposed to come out like next Friday.” And so, on the actual release date, when it was going to be available in stores, I didn’t want to wait that long so I was planning to wake up at like 4:00 o’clock in the morning and go stand in line like an idiot at the Apple Store so that I could get it before December.

And so, I woke up and I checked my email and I happen to have an email from Apple saying that my delivery date had bee n moved up to November 13, so I was like, “Oh, I can wait for 10 days.” But absolutely, yes, I am getting the iPhone X.

Pete Mockaitis
So, we are recording this just before it’s entered your hands. And how are you feeling?

David Mead
I’m feeling anxious and I have a great deal of anticipation. I can’t wait for next Monday.

Pete Mockaitis
I think I also have one coming my way, and I’m excited partially just because I’ve been on the 6, and I feel such a whiny, entitled, you know, impatient, I guess I’m just barely a millennial at 34. I think I’m on the threshold there. And I guess I’ve been on the iPhone 6 for a while, and it seems like maybe there’s something wrong with it, but sometimes I’ll like push the camera, and I have to wait four seconds   for the camera, and I can’t live like this, David. I can’t live like this so I need an upgrade and the 10 was there, so I said, “We’ll take it.” Plus, the dual camera, I’ll be shooting some important business videos with that, so this is necessary.

David Mead
Of course. That’s a right off, of course.

Pete Mockaitis
It is essential that I have this outrageously expensive toy for my business.

David Mead
Indeed.

Pete Mockaitis
Cool. Well, so, anyway, I want to talk. So, you’re in Simon Sinek’s organization, and so you co-authored with him the book Find Your Why which is great. And so, if anyone hasn’t already seen Simon’s famous, infamous TED Talk about finding your why, it’s well worth it, and we’ll link to it in the show notes. But for those who aren’t going to do that, can you give us the real quick summary on kind of what’s the primary concept that you’re working with here?

David Mead
Sure. So, the concept of Start With Why is very simple. It basically outlines that every organization, and even our own careers, operate on three levels, which is what we do, how we do it, and why we do it. And everybody knows what they do. This is the product you sell, the service that you offer, the title that you hold. Some people know how they do what they do which means how are you different or special, how do you set yourself apart, what are sort of the guiding principles, or how you run your business that’s different than anybody else.

But very few organizations and very few individuals understand and, more importantly, can clearly articulate why they do what they do. And by why, we don’t mean to make more money or to increase market share, or sell more stuff. By why, we mean, “What’s your purpose? What’s your cause? What’s your belief? What’s the human reason that you do the work that you do? Really, why does your organization exist and do the things that it does?”

And so, the premise here is that most individuals, most organizations start with what. They tell you what they do. They might tell how they’re different or special or better, and that’s usually where it stops. But the most inspired organizations, the most inspiring leaders, those that we look up to, those that have more loyalty, those that are more profitable over time, those that have great cultures, they all do it backwards.

They think, act and communicate starting with why first. They tell you why they exist. They tell you the vision of the world that they have. They tell you the human reason that they’re doing the work that they’re doing. And, as human beings, we naturally respond to that feeling. We are more loyal. We are drawn to these organizations or these people who have common values and beliefs to us.

And so, it’s not that we’re necessarily drawn to everybody or every organization that articulates why they do what they do. We’re drawn to the ones that share common values and beliefs with us. And so, that’s really the key. That’s where loyalty and trust and relationship comes in. And the opportunity that we have is to shift our thinking, shift our communication, and shift our cultures to be more why-based. And as a result, see more success financially, see more loyalty and more growth rather than having those things be the goal which is really not that inspiring to anybody.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Thank you. So, now, could you maybe give us a couple examples of a why that you’re not talking about profit, shareholder value, market share from an organization perspective, nor are you talking about just making a ton of cash, money, as an individual’s perspective? So, could you maybe give us a couple of examples, articulations of, “Oh, here’s what I mean by a why”?

David Mead
Sure. So, first of all, before I give you those, just to the point you made, there’s nothing wrong with all those things. There’s nothing wrong with growth or nothing wrong with making a ton of money. I think the challenge comes in or the danger comes in when we place an unbalanced amount of focus on those things because, ultimately, that’s not what drives fulfillment and meaning which is what we, as human beings, ultimately seek.

So, I’ll give you an example of an organization’s why and then I’ll give you an example of an individual’s why or I’ll use my own. So, an example that we like to use a lot is Lego because everybody knows Lego. Right there, a pretty popular brand, and they happen to be the most profitable, excuse me, toy company on the planet, and I don’t think that’s an accident. I think it’s because they have learned to be very clear about why they do what they do. They weren’t always that clear historically.

And it’s funny, as they sort of – if you follow their history, as they have been more aligned with why they do what they do, they’ve done better. And as if they worried more about, “Let’s just beat the competition. Let’s come out with all these different products because our competitors are doing the same thing,” when they compete on what and how their profitability goes down, loyalty goes down, so it was really interesting to see what has happened just with Lego. But Lego’s why, essentially, is everything they do is to inspire and develop the builders of tomorrow.

Pete Mockaitis
All right.

David Mead
So, in their why – and this is true for any individual or any organization – we have no idea what the product or service is. For an individual, we should not know what you do for a living by your why. Essentially, we don’t want any “whats” in the why. Those have their place but they’re just not supposed to be in the why. So, that’s an example of an organization’s why.

I’ll give you another one just for a little added flavor here. I’ll give you the why of our organization. Let’s start with why. In everything that we do is to inspire people to do the things that inspire them so that, together, we can change our world.

Pete Mockaitis
All right.

David Mead
On an individual example, again I’ll use my own. My why, the way that I articulate it, is to propel people forward so that they can make their mark on the world. So, what that means for me is every day, no matter what situation I show up, whether it’s at work, or at home, or with my friends, or in the community, at church, wherever I am, if I can just help propel people forward, help them take that one extra step forward so that they can be a little better than they were before, so they can go on to do the amazing things they’re meant to do in the world, that’s what really fills me up and inspires me.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And so, then, you laid out some of the benefits in terms of zeroing in on your why. That’s so meta, why does the why matter? So, in terms of inspiring organizations, leaders, and then also just tends to lead to the great sort of, I guess, immediate financial or more short-term type results like profits and whatnot in the case of Lego there. So, I guess I’m intrigued then.

Now the book is called Finding Your Why. How does one arrive at that why statements? And could you sort of walk us through a bit of the process? And maybe even before we do that, say, how do you know when you’ve hit it? It’s like, “That’s it,” versus, “That’s not it.”

David Mead
That’s a great question. The why is a feeling. It is a belief. It is something that is borne from inside of us. I’ll explain that a little bit more when I explain the process. But to your question of, “How do you know that that’s it?” Essentially, it feels right, and so you come up with this why statement, and even though the words might not be perfect at first because we’re kind of dealing with sort of imperfect medium of language to describe a feeling that we have or a belief or a driving force in our lives, and language is a tough thing to use to describe that feeling, but essentially when you look at that why statement it should feel like, “Yeah, that’s me.”

And what we find is a lot of times when we help individuals specifically find their own why, it’s not like it’s a huge revelation where they’ve got fireworks going off and it’s this whole like, “Oh, my gosh, I can’t believe it. I never even thought that this was it.” It’s more of a, “Oh, yeah, like that’s me.” That’s now just put into words, right? And it shouldn’t be a huge surprise for an organization or for an individual because a why is not something aspirational, it’s not something that we hope to become someday. It’s borne from who we are.

And so, when we help individuals or organizations discover their why it’s really a discovery process of looking to their past and pinpointing specific experiences, stories, events that have been particularly significant, that have really stuck out in their minds for all the right reasons, right? “This is a time where we’ve been proud to work for this organization,” or, “This is an experience that I had that really helped me, that made me feel like I was doing something meaningful and it really filled me up. It was really fulfilling for me.”

And so, again, in both cases, organizationally or individually, it’s through storytelling of the specific times when we have felt at our best, when we felt like we’ve been doing the things that we’re meant to do or that we’ve been acting in ways that really represent who we are at our natural best. And then we look for the patterns, or the themes, the things that keep coming up over and over and over again in each of those stories, and that sort of begins to put together what we call the golden thread, the thing, the commonality the thing that ties all of those stories together.

And, essentially, what we’re looking for is in each of these stories, “What is the overall contribution? What is it that we give? What is the piece of ourselves or the piece of our organization that we contribute to the world? And as a result of that contribution, what’s the impact? What happens when we show up and we make that contribution?”

And so, you’ll notice, just comparing back to my own why statement, to propel people forward is my contribution, that’s what I can show up and have control over so that people can make their mark on the world. That’s the impact. So, when I show up and I make that contribution of propelling people forward, of helping them with the knowledge that I have, or the experience that I’ve gained, or I can help coach them through something so they can be a little better than they were yesterday, the impact of that is that they can then go on with that knowledge or that experience or that encouragement or inspiration, from me hopefully, and make their mark on the world. That’s the impact of the why.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. That’s cool. And so, I guess I’m curious then, in terms of if it’s down there, it’s just a matter of sort of discovering it as opposed to inventing it. I know it’s a turn of phrase you use which I think is a nice distinction there. So, if it’s down there and you’re discovering it, kind of once you have it articulated, what changes or transforms for people or organizations? Just like, “Oh, yeah, that’s it. Now we are consciously aware that that is the articulation.” Sort of how is life or organizations different afterwards?

David Mead
Sure. So, I think a big part of a why discovery is, obviously first, articulating it and figuring out what it is, and that is just the first step. A couple of follow-on things to that that can really help you to bring that why to life or to sort of make it actionable within the organization or on an individual basis as well is to articulate your hows. And during the process of the why discovery there’s a lot of output, there’s a lot of themes and patterns and words and phrases and things that are really meaningful and important that pop out.

And a couple of those ideas, the ones that are sort of the overarching, you know, seem to be the biggest things, the ones that we love the most or the things that really resonate with us the most, that seem to sort of encapsulate everything else are what ends up in the why statement. The rest of those themes don’t go away. Those become really candidates for our hows which are more the sort of day-to-day behaviors and actions and guiding principles that direct our behavior every day, that when we live in those ways, when we operate in those ways, either individually or as an organization, that’s what allows us to bring that why, that contribution of impact to life.

And so, I think for a person or an organization who is really interested in applying this and making it actionable, it’s really important to articulate those hows as well. And so, every decision that you make, every strategy that you plan, every partner that you partner with, every person that you hire, every job that you look at taking is going to, then, flow through the filter of your why and your hows, “If I move forward with this opportunity, is it going to allow me to live my why? Am I going to be able to behave according to my guiding principles?”

I’ll give you a sort of an example. Like if one of my hows were to “do it together,” I need to have a team around me, and a company calls me up, and they say, “David, we’d love to have you put together a training curriculum throughout the next 12 months, a series of four workshops where you’re going to put all of our middle managers through this leadership training. We’re going to lock you up in a room for six weeks, and at the end of it, I want you to come out with a perfectly-articulated plan of how this is going to happen.”

I know right then, because one of my hows – I’m postulating, this is not one of my hows but this is just an example – one of my hows is “do it together” which means I need to have a team around me. I can’t work well alone. I know that that opportunity is going to turn out badly for me. And so, I can use that as a filter that I know that if this seems like a great opportunity and this organization seems like one that we share common values and beliefs, they’re going in the right direction, I believe in what they’re doing.

I might just simply say, “You know what, I work much better when I have a team of people to bounce my ideas off of or gain some other insight from. Are there a couple of other people that I could have access to that could help me understand the inner workings of the organization and who these middle managers are and what they need and all this kind of other stuff?” If I can have those people around me and I can do it together then we’re going to end up with a much better result at the end than if I have to do it on my own.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. I’m with you there and so that’s great, having gone through that process, you’ve zeroed in on it. And so, I’m thinking as you engaged in these questions, you’re zeroing in on experiences that you’re proud of and that are meaningful to you as opposed to – is this fair to say – just experiences that you thought were just a ton of fun, like, “That was really cool.” You’re saying, like, “What kind of like emotion feeling are we targeting where we look at these experiences?” When you say meaningful, does that also like that’s really fun? Or kind of what’s in scope and out of scope for why leading experience reflecting?

David Mead
That’s a great question. And I would say no story is a wrong story necessarily but I like the sort of the fine point that you put on this which is we’re looking for events and stories and experience that have some sort of lasting significance. And so, it’s not like, “Oh, my gosh, I rode the biggest rollercoaster in the world, and it was a total rush. That was so much fun.” Like that’s great but it didn’t really mean anything.

So, we’re looking for things, experiences where you have learned something that was really valuable too in your life, and these don’t have to be huge monumental things like you won first prize in whatever. They can be the tiniest little thing, like you stopped by the side of the road and helped an older guy change a flat tire and you had a bonding moment with that person.

Like it can be seemingly really insignificant things, but as long as you took something away from it, and you learned something, or it impacted you in some way, helped you see the world in a different way, or sort of helped you consider your role in life in a little different way, something that just sort of you’ve kept with you and taken something from or learned something from. Does that make sense?

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. I’m with you. And I think, maybe, to make it come to life all the more, I’d love it if you could spend, oh, three, four, five minutes of you just doing what you do in terms of if we are kind of dialogue partners and you’re helping me get to my why, what would you ask me? And maybe we’ll just do that live real time. I’ll give you some responses and you’ll do some follow-ups and we’ll kind of get a flavor for how this unfolds.

David Mead
Sure. So, I mean, in three, four, five minutes we’re not going to get to your why but I’ll give you an essence of kind of what the process looks like. So, I would just ask you to start out by telling me an experience in your life that has been significant or meaningful to you.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Sure thing. I’ll say coordinating the speed dating event at church just because I got an email about that this morning. It reminded me, I’m like, “Oh, yeah, that was pretty awesome.”

David Mead
Cool. All right. Tell me more about that.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, it was really cool. We had a 152 people each year that goes down and I’ve met some cool folks myself in terms of friends and girlfriends at the event myself, and there’d been a number of people who have gotten married as a result of having met each other there, and it was just really cool to just see an event come together and go live as well as just like the beautiful clockwork of blow the whistle and everyone rotates in just like an elegant system.

David Mead
Interesting imagery of a beautiful clockwork, and I’m curious. It seems like that’s part of the story that you really love. Talk more about that. What’s so amazing or so beautiful about that for you?

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, you just put so much time and effort into the thing and then it’s alive, you know. And then it’s a little bit chaotic, like, “What’s going on? Where am I going? Is this the right table? Where actually am I going?” And then it’s just a cool, efficiency in terms of, “Okay, three minutes.” The whistle blows and everyone moves in the direction, coordination, and it’s like in that moment, it’s like, “All right. You know, 76 pairs of people are getting acquainted all at once, and then it happens repeatedly again and then again.” And it’s just really cool to watch as it unfolds.

David Mead
Is this the first, this one that you’re talking about, is this the first event like this that you’ve put on?

Pete Mockaitis
No, I’ve put on a number of like leadership conferences and retreats, and so there’d been several events.

David Mead
Okay. So, I’m interested because you could’ve told me about anyone of those but you chose this particular speed dating event. Tell me what it is about this particular event that really sticks out in your mind if you had to pick one thing.

Pete Mockaitis
I think it’s that there’s just so many people I care about in one place at one time whether they’re volunteers or buddies looking for romance. It’s like, “Hey, I know you people, and good luck. It’s fun creating this with you.”

David Mead
You used the word create. What do you feel like you’re creating?

Pete Mockaitis
Well, I would say it’s an experience, it’s some moments that are just a ton of fun in terms of whether folks find their spouse or not, it’s like that was great. I got plugged into meeting a lot of really great people that I’ll likely remain in touch with. And we’re just having just kind of like a magical few hours in terms of people and food and beverage and enjoyment.

David Mead
And, again, curious on that, the word magical. If you had to describe, what is magical about that?

Pete Mockaitis
It’s exhilarating and fun in a way that it’s stimulating on numerous human dimensions at once, you know, I guess emotionally, intellectually, relationally, food and beverage in the belly. It’s enjoyable on multiple sides of your human experience all at the same time.

David Mead
Sure. And if you had to sort of zero in on, what’s the part that you feel like you played? What was the thing that you gave of yourself? What did you contribute in that?

Pete Mockaitis
I thought I brought like a coordinating mastermind type element. It’s like, “These are how all the pieces of the system and processes are going to work from the signup to the table placement, to the software that then does the matching and the email notifications. It was fun to kind of tie all of these things together in a cool combination that worked.

David Mead
And because of this contribution that you made, this coordinating, this arranging, this orchestrating that you took care of, what was the result of that? What do you think you made possible for people?

Pete Mockaitis
Well, I think that, well, for some people it is their spouse, you know, it’s the person they’re married to right now, and their whole family life, so that’s just so exciting. Like, “There you are.” For others it was kind of introduction to a cool community, it’s like, “I like these guys. These will be my friends now.” And so, kind of the main place they find fellowship, camaraderie, good times, and then just maybe even on a small scale, just folks and all the feedback forms, saying, “This was a fantastic night. Thank you.”

David Mead
Yeah, and you said that you just received an email – was it this morning – about this event?

Pete Mockaitis
That’s right. They said, “Oh, hey, Pete. You know we’re putting this together. We need…” So, I’m not as directly involved now, “We need all of your quick tips and tricks and documents. Hook it up.”

David Mead
Yeah. And, I mean, do you see the result of these people who some of them have gotten married, others maybe not, but you said that you keep in touch with all of these people, or a lot of these people. Do you any or are there any specific people that stick out from this one event that the impact of what happened for them, whether marriage or something else, really just inspires you or really fulfills you, and you thought, “Man, if for nothing else, that was worth it”?

Pete Mockaitis
Well, yeah, I’m thinking about Megan, my friend, who did meet her spouse there, and I think I just remember how we were talking and it seemed like, for no good reason, she’s a great gal. It seems like she’s having some trouble meeting a good dude, and at the same time the event sort of fills out so quickly for women more so than men. That’s a whole another conversation.

And so, it was cool that it was through a volunteer capacity where one was bartending, the other was participating that they got to make a connection there. So, I just thought that was pretty cool, that here’s someone I know and then there’s value kind of flowing not just if you’re a participant but also as a volunteer. It’s like you’re a part of what it can be.

David Mead
That’s great. So, just pausing for a minute, I think at this point I’ve taken down just a bunch of notes on a little sticky pad, but if we were continuing this process, we would go on to another story and I would just say, “Hey, Pete, go ahead and tell me another time in your life when you felt fulfilled or when you’ve done something that was really significant or meaningful for you.”

And what I would watch for is any of the same type of themes or words or ideas or phrases that would’ve come up in these first stories. So, if you’re curious, I’m happy to share some of the things that I jotted down.

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, sure. Thanks.

David Mead
So, I wrote a thing. You know, in the process when we talk about how to take somebody through it, when you hear these stories there are two components of the story. There’s sort of the logistic of it, like what happened, when it was, how many people were there, all that kind of stuff. And then we separate those from the feelings, the emotions, the meaning behind the story, and so keeping those sort of separated out, helps us as we’re filtering through three, four, five, six different stories that somebody might tell. We can go back and we have one section that’s just for the meanings and the emotions and so we don’t have to filter through and look through all the logistical stuff at the same time.

So, I separated those things out a little bit. I’ll focus more on the meaning and the significance part. But some of the things that I jotted down were creating a moment, and I love that, which is what you said. This idea of bringing people together, of connection, relationship, coordinating, arranging, orchestrating, giving people a sense of belonging, fellowship. And so, again, just a couple of those things that I would want to watch for as the next few stories unfold, because the idea is that your why is who you are at your best no matter where you are.

And so, you should be able to live your why at church, at work, at home, with your friends, it’s all the same. And so, this is why we want stories and experiences from every different part of your life because all those things tie together, because it doesn’t matter where you are because we are who we are wherever we are.

Pete Mockaitis
Right on. Well, thank you. Well, yeah, that’s fun. Cool. And so, then, so you got those course on StartWithWhy.com.

David Mead
Yup, that’s right.

Pete Mockaitis
And so, how’s that go down?

David Mead
So if you go to StartWithWhy.com there’s an online course which is in the very final stages of being revamped. And so, basically, Peter and I, who co-authored Find Your Why with Simon, basically guide you through with videos and online exercises to take you through this process of discovering your personal why.

So, the online course is right now mainly designed for individuals, also entrepreneurs, solopreneurs as well, not so much yet designed for businesses. That’s where Find Your Why the book comes in. And we have at least half of that book dedicated to teams and organizations to discover their why.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And so, then, it sounds like you’re going to want to have a partner engaged in the why discovery course in order to really make it pop.

David Mead
Absolutely. We’ve had a lot of people in the past try to do it themselves, and they think, “Ah, I got this. I can figure it out.” But it’s sort of like, I mean, this is why we have to go to therapy, right? We cannot analyze ourselves. And so, it’s really, really difficult, I would say impossible, for an individual to identify their own themes and patterns, and it’s very important to have that third party sort of outside perspective.

And one of the kind of fun things that I do when I do an individual discovery with somebody is, before I sort of repeat back to them after they’re done telling me all their stories, before I read back, repeat back to them any of the themes or the patterns that I’ve noticed, I ask them, especially if there are some that are really, really strong, I say, “Do you see any of the patterns that keep coming up over and over in these stories?” and, usually, they say, “No, not really. They all seem pretty disparate and separate to me.”

And then I lay out what their themes are, and I point back to each story that those came from, and they’re like, “Oh, my gosh, you’re right. Like I never would’ve seen them myself.” And so, having a partner, or in an organization’s case, having a facilitator, preferably from the outside if you can do it, who does not have that – the biases and the sort of preconceived notions and the things that make us subjective versus objective – is really, really important.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. That’s good. Well, so then, thanks for making that all the more real now. And so, I want to get your take, then, so the show is for professionals and we got folks in different workplaces. So, how does one individual’s why kind of interplay or map to the workplace or the team or the company in terms of like how do those jive together? Maybe sometimes they don’t. Like how do we think about those interplaying?

David Mead
Yeah, so the idea is that our individual why will align with and contribute to the why of the organization that we work for. Now, most organizations don’t have a clearly-articulated why and so that becomes a little tough. However, a lot of us work in places that we love our jobs, we love to go to work, it’s a great culture, it feels great, we love the people that we work with, we enjoy our jobs, and so the culture and the feeling is there, even though the words aren’t necessarily clearly articulated and put on the wall in the form of a why.

So as long as we’re in an environment where we feel comfortable, where we feel like we’re doing meaningful work, our own individual why can still play into that because if you think about it, really, anybody’s why is about the contribution and the impact that we make on the lives of people. And so, we have the opportunity to show up and be that person for our colleagues, for our team members, for our customers, for our partners, for our vendors, and so there’s nothing really keeping us from living our own personal why even if the organization doesn’t have a clearly-articulated one.

Where the beauty is, and where really the inspiration and fulfillment comes in, is when our organizations do have a clearly-articulated why, and we can see how our own why really feeds in and contributes directly to that bigger picture of the organization, and that just gives us that extra drive to get to work and to help this organization achieve this great vision.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. I like that. Well, now I’m kind of going back and forth in terms of they all have the common ingredients of are all contributions so that an impact is created. So, then, I guess I’m wondering, just how diverse or varied can why statements be? Could you maybe give us, I don’t know, three more quick individual examples so I could see, “Oh, I see how they’re the same and yet different”?

David Mead
Sure. So, let me see if I can pull out a couple. Are you talking about individual or organization examples?

Pete Mockaitis
Let’s go individual, yeah.

David Mead
Okay. So, I’ll give you a couple, the why statements of a couple of people on our team. One is to support and encourage others so that they can revel in who they are, and that one is really around just helping people find the beauty in themselves and reveling in that, so that’s one. Another one is to help people connect in meaningful ways so that we could live in a more fulfilled world.

And so, you’ll notice, I mean, the pattern, the commonality among everybody’s why is that it is, in some way, in service to somebody else. It’s our way of helping other people. And, you know, you talk to so many people and they say, “Oh, I feel so good when I help other people. My why is to help others.” You’re right, it is, but the power of going through an exercise like this is that we can get into a more detailed articulation of what your version of help means, right?

So, when I help somebody, I might do it in a little different way than you do it. Our whys will be slightly different even though, ultimately, they’re both about helping other people but it’s just the way that we articulate them that can make them really authentic and feel genuine to us.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s good. Thank you. Well, David, tell me, is there anything else you want to make sure to mention before we shift gears and hear about some of your favorite things?

David Mead
Again, if anybody is interested in learning more about this StartWithWhy.com is a great place to go. We’ve got links to Simon’s TED Talk if you haven’t seen it, a lot of other free resources, and you can Google Simon Sinek, you’ll find endless pages of videos and talks and that kind of stuff which is all great.

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, cool. Thank you. Well, now, could you share with us a favorite quote, something you find inspiring?

David Mead
Yes, I have a few but one that pops to mind, and I actually have it on my desk, and it feels a little bit of a cop-out, but it’s a Simon quote, but it ties directly to what we’ve been talking about here, which is, “If you’re a different person at work than you are at home, then in one of those two places you’re lying.” The idea behind that is we should be who we are at our natural best everywhere that we are, and that includes being who we are at work and who we are at home, and we should not be two different people in both of those places.

Pete Mockaitis
Excellent. Thank you. And how about a favorite book?

David Mead
I love, love, love, and again, call it a cop-out if you want, but Leaders Eat Last, Simon’s second book, is so incredibly good. Like I don’t know what not to underline. So, from a leadership book perspective, I think that is one of the most influential and impactful books that I have ever read.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. Thank you. And how about a favorite tool, something that helps you be awesome at your job?

David Mead
Can I give you a habit?

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, let’s take it.

David Mead
Yeah, so a habit that I have is every time right before I get on stage to do a talk or a workshop or something, I remind myself that I’m there to give. And so, I say to myself out loud, “Show up to give.” And it puts me in a mindset of, essentially, I’m getting out on that stage, I’m putting my arms around all those people and I’m giving them the knowledge or the experience or the things that I’ve learned, and I’m not there to get paid – of course, I do get paid – but that’s not what’s going on in my mind.

I’m not thinking about, “Well, jeez, I hope they like it so that they hire me again or they can refer me to somebody else,” or, “Who am I going to meet here that can be influential in my career?” I don’t think about any of that stuff. I just put myself in the mindset of show up to give, and that is a habit that has served me very well, and just keeps my head in the right place.

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, thanks. And do you have a final challenge or call to action you’d issue to folks seeking to be awesome at their jobs?

David Mead
I think, again, it ties to what we’ve been talking about here, about whether you go through the online course or the book or something completely different or nothing at all, at least think to yourself and consider, “Why do you actually get out of bed every day?” And if you really want to be awesome at your job there’s got to be passion, there’s got to be drive, there’s got to be love there.

Human beings are not inspired to make a huge paycheck or to hit a number or a metric, those are all motivating things. But, like we said before, it’s like that experience of taking a rollercoaster, it’s like, “Yeah, it was fun. That was awesome,” and then it wears off. Knowing your why and living based on that and finding an organization where we can bring that to life brings lasting fulfillment, and that’s something that we all deserve to have.

It shouldn’t be like, we shouldn’t feel lucky that we love our jobs. It’s something that should be available to everybody. And so, it simply just starts with considering, “Why do we actually do this?” And if we don’t feel like what we’re doing is a good fit, what changes do we need to make? Where might we be able to go that does feel a little bit better where we can bring our best selves to work every day?

Pete Mockaitis
All right. Well, David, this has been a real treat. Thanks so much for sharing and questioning and getting some wheels turning both for myself and for everyone who’s listening here. So, I wish you tons of luck and keep on rocking.

David Mead
Thanks, Pete. You, too.