Gold Nugget #1172: How to Train Your Brain for More Peaceful Conflict Resolutions with Jeremy Pollack

By August 3, 2026Uncategorized

In episode 1172, Jeremy Pollack explains the critical role our nervous system plays in conflict resolution.

All humans are wired for peace. The neurochemicals that make us feel good result from cooperation and collaboration. By contrast, the ones that are released during conflict make us feel bad. Ideally, we should return to the baseline once a conflict is over. However, it’s easy to get stuck in stress because of how easy it is now to spot the conflicts around us.

Conflict is a nervous system problem as well. When we get into conflict, our brains perceive it as a threat and activate our fight-or-flight response. As a result, we aren’t always responding in ways that help resolve conflicts. Thus, if we want to learn how to solve conflicts, we have to start with recognizing our stress responses. That also goes hand-in-hand with building our toolkit for self-regulation.

Regain your composure in 60 seconds with five steps:

  1. Do long exhale breathing.
  2. Relax your body (e.g., face and shoulders). 
  3. Tell yourself messages/mantras of safety. 
  4. Slow down your speech to a normal level. 
  5. Lower your tone.

These fixes all tell your brain that it’s okay to calm down. Additionally, Jeremy recommends tying these to a cue, such as putting your fingers together. That way, you can remember to do them in the heat of the moment. 

Identify what needs are being threatened and create mantras around them. There are six needs at the heart of conflict:

  1. Safety (or security)
  2. Affiliation (or connection, belonging)
  3. Positive self-concept (or identity, status, esteem)
  4. Independence (or autonomy, choice, agency)
  5. Enabling or engaging activities
  6. Noble pursuits (or meaning, purpose)

So if you feel your safety is at risk, you could tell yourself, “I’m safe, and it’s okay to slow down.” In other cases, our unease with conflict comes from a deep-seated fear of not being okay the way we are now. Thus, you might also need to do some extra inner work to change that belief.

Practice the five Cs of conflict resolution:

  1. Stay curious. Curiosity comes from both humility and confidence. On the one hand, you’re humble enough to acknowledge that you aren’t always right. On the other hand, you’re confident enough that hearing another perspective won’t trigger you.
  2. Communicate well. Watch not only your words but your tone and body language as well. 
  3. Show care. Unlike trust, you don’t need to…
  4. Collaborate. Bring people in so you can find a solution together. Remember that you can’t impose solutions. 
  5. Creativity. Look for new or unexplored ways to solve your current conflict.

Stop expecting others to change to save yourself from resentment and disappointment. You can’t hold people accountable if they don’t know or outright reject your expectations. If you’re in that situation, first assess how much the relationship is worth to you. It might be that it’s time to make a peaceful exit. If you can’t do that, then consider how you can self-regulate and set boundaries to empower yourself.

Read/listen to the full conversation HERE.

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