In episode 1172, Jeremy Pollack explains the critical role our nervous system plays in conflict resolution.
All humans are wired for peace. The neurochemicals that make us feel good result from cooperation and collaboration. By contrast, the ones that are released during conflict make us feel bad. Ideally, we should return to the baseline once a conflict is over. However, it’s easy to get stuck in stress because of how easy it is now to spot the conflicts around us.
Conflict is a nervous system problem as well. When we get into conflict, our brains perceive it as a threat and activate our fight-or-flight response. As a result, we aren’t always responding in ways that help resolve conflicts. Thus, if we want to learn how to solve conflicts, we have to start with recognizing our stress responses. That also goes hand-in-hand with building our toolkit for self-regulation.
Regain your composure in 60 seconds with five steps:
- Do long exhale breathing.
- Relax your body (e.g., face and shoulders).
- Tell yourself messages/mantras of safety.
- Slow down your speech to a normal level.
- Lower your tone.
These fixes all tell your brain that it’s okay to calm down. Additionally, Jeremy recommends tying these to a cue, such as putting your fingers together. That way, you can remember to do them in the heat of the moment.
Identify what needs are being threatened and create mantras around them. There are six needs at the heart of conflict:
- Safety (or security)
- Affiliation (or connection, belonging)
- Positive self-concept (or identity, status, esteem)
- Independence (or autonomy, choice, agency)
- Enabling or engaging activities
- Noble pursuits (or meaning, purpose)
So if you feel your safety is at risk, you could tell yourself, “I’m safe, and it’s okay to slow down.” In other cases, our unease with conflict comes from a deep-seated fear of not being okay the way we are now. Thus, you might also need to do some extra inner work to change that belief.
Practice the five Cs of conflict resolution:
- Stay curious. Curiosity comes from both humility and confidence. On the one hand, you’re humble enough to acknowledge that you aren’t always right. On the other hand, you’re confident enough that hearing another perspective won’t trigger you.
- Communicate well. Watch not only your words but your tone and body language as well.
- Show care. Unlike trust, you don’t need to…
- Collaborate. Bring people in so you can find a solution together. Remember that you can’t impose solutions.
- Creativity. Look for new or unexplored ways to solve your current conflict.
Stop expecting others to change to save yourself from resentment and disappointment. You can’t hold people accountable if they don’t know or outright reject your expectations. If you’re in that situation, first assess how much the relationship is worth to you. It might be that it’s time to make a peaceful exit. If you can’t do that, then consider how you can self-regulate and set boundaries to empower yourself.
Read/listen to the full conversation HERE.
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In episode 1171, Dr. Marilee Adams shows you how to ask the questions that drive improvement and innovation.
Don’t underestimate the power of questions. Most of us are actually unaware that we think with questions all the time. Moreover, the questions we ask ourselves shape the way we think, feel, and behave. A well-crafted question helps lead us to make better decisions because it opens our thinking to ideas we might not have considered before.
Make the shift from a judger mindset to a learner mindset:
- Judger – Think of these as our automatic reactions, questions that seek to place blame or pass judgment.
- Learner – These are questions that seek to understand our biases and to find a solution. It’s from the learner mindset that we generate new ideas.
While it’s normal for us to have both mindsets, we can often make more headway when we think like learners. Moreover, a learner mindset also helps us build emotional intelligence. To make the shift, ask yourself:
- Am I in a judger mindset?
- Is this what I want to be thinking or doing?
- How else can I think about this?
- Regardless of the circumstances, who do I choose to be at this moment?
Use Q-storming to generate new ideas. Brainstorming isn’t actually as effective as people think, and Q-storming is better at opening up your thinking. If we want to have different results, we need to change the questions we’re asking ourselves. To that end, Marilee shares the three phases of q-storming:
- Phase one – Ask “What are we going for?” It’s important to establish the goal so that we know what we’re working towards.
- Phase two – Start generating and capturing questions. If we want new solutions, we first need to learn to ask new questions.
- Phase three – Collaborate with your team and ask them to analyze the new questions. Sort them into buckets, then narrow it down further to the top 5 questions that bring you closer to your goal.
Be careful of your assumptions because they can block off possibilities. We’re often unaware of the assumptions, biases, and blind spots that are embedded in our questions. As you engage in question thinking, ask yourself:
- Are there other options?
- What assumptions am I making?
- What biases are making me a little blind?
- Am I missing something?
Read/listen to the full conversation HERE.
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