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1010: Getting the Most Out of Generative AI at Work with Jeremy Utley

By | Podcasts | One Comment

Jeremy Utley reveals why many aren’t getting the results they want from AI—and how to fix that.

You’ll Learn

  1. The #1 mistake people are making with AI
  2. ChatGPT’s top advantage over other AI platforms (as of late 2024) 
  3. The simple adjustments that make AI vastly more useful 

About Jeremy 

Jeremy Utley is the director of executive education at Stanford’s d.school and an adjunct professor at Stanford’s School of Engineering. He is the host of the d.school’s widely popular program “Stanford’s Masters of Creativity.” 

Resources Mentioned

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Jeremy Utley Interview Transcript

Pete Mockaitis
Jeremy, welcome.

Jeremy Utley
Thanks for having me.

Pete Mockaitis
I’m so excited to chat, and I’d love it if you could kick us off by sharing one of maybe the most fascinating and surprising discoveries you’ve made about some of this AI stuff with all your poking and prodding and playing.

Jeremy Utley
I’ll poke the bear right from the get-go. My observation is most people are what I call prompt hoarders, which is that they’ve got a bunch of Twitter threads saved, and they’ve got a bunch of PDFs downloaded in a folder, marked, “Read someday,” but they aren’t actually using AI. They’re just hoarding prompts.

And I think of it as empty calories. It’s a sugar high. And what a lot of people are doing is they are accumulating, for themselves, prompts that they should try someday, but they’re never trying them, which is akin to somebody eating a bunch of calories and then never exercising.

And my recommendation, like, here, I’ll give one simple thing that somebody would probably want to write down. Hey, when you’re jumping into advanced voice mode, isn’t it annoying how ChatGPT interrupts you? Well, did you know that you can tell ChatGPT, “Hey, just say, ‘Mm-hmm’ anytime I stop talking, but don’t say anything else unless I ask you to”?

Everybody who’s played with advanced voice mode one time is like, “Oh, my gosh, I got to do that. That’s, oh, it is annoying.” And I guarantee you 95% plus, people who even think that, will never actually do it because they think it’s more important to listen to the next 35 minutes of this conversation than actually hit pause and go do that. And my recommendation would be, stop this podcast right now, go into ChatGPT and actually do that. That would be like going to the gym.

Pete Mockaitis
I’m thinking I’m doing that right now. Is that okay? Is that rude?

Jeremy Utley
Yes, of course. No, it’s great.

Pete Mockaitis
I think I’m following your suggestions. So, in ChatGPT, iPhone app, I’ve got Pete Mockaitis, I just issue the command, like, “Remember this”?

Jeremy Utley
I would open a new voice chat. So, from the home screen, on the bottom right, there’s kind of like a little four-line kind of a button. If you hit that, that’s going to open a new conversation in Advanced Voice mode. And the first thing I would say is, “Hey, I want to talk to you for a second, but I don’t really need you to say anything. So, unless I ask you otherwise, would you please just say, ‘Mmm-hmm,’ one word only and let me keep talking.”

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Hey, ChatGPT, here’s the thing. When I’m talking to you, what I need you to do, if I ever stop talking for a moment…there, he just did it.

Jeremy Utley
Isn’t that hysterical? Yeah, that’s hysterical.

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, Amber, when I’m talking, I need you to remember to only interrupt with just the briefest mm-hmm, or yes, or okay until I ask for you to begin speaking. Do you understand? And can you please remember this?

Amber
Be as brief as possible with confirmations and wait until prompted to speak further.

Pete Mockaitis
Thank you. It’s done.

Jeremy Utley
Now what you need to do is you actually need to continue the conversation. And you need to see, “Does ChatGPT respond with mm-hmm?”

Pete Mockaitis
You know, I like that. And I love those little tidbits in terms of, “Hey, remember this and do this forever.” Sometimes I like to say, well, I have. I have said, “Give me a number from zero to 100 at the end of every one of your responses, indicating how certain you are that what you’re saying is, in fact, true and accurate and right.”

Now, its estimates are not always perfectly correct, but I know, it’s like, “Okay, if he said 90, I’m going to maybe be more inclined to do some follow-up looks as opposed to if I get the 100.”

Jeremy Utley
Yeah, I think that’s great. I think there’s all sorts of little things. The problem is, right now, people are accumulating, or they actually aren’t even accumulating, but they think they’re accumulating for themselves all these tips and tricks, but they aren’t using any of them. And so, to me, what I recommend folks do, I actually just wrote a newsletter about this just yesterday, it went out this morning.

What I recommend folks do is take 15 minutes per day and try one new thing. It requires two parts. Part one, a daily meeting on your calendar that says “AI, try this.” And that’s it. It’s just 15 minutes, “AI, try this.” And thing number two, you need an AI-try-this scratch pad, which is just a running list of things that you heard.

So, like everybody’s scratch pad right now, if they’re listening to this conversation, should include, one, tell ChatGPT to only say mm-hmm unless you want a further response. That’s not forever, but at least in a one interaction, right? And, two, they should tell ChatGPT to always end its responses with a number, an integer between zero and 100, to indicate its conviction of its response.

Everybody literally what? We’re 10 minutes into this conversation, not even, everyone should have two items on their scratch pad. The problem is most people are going to get to this, to the end of this interview and they aren’t going to have a scratch pad and they aren’t going to have any time blocked on their calendar to do it.

And the next time they use ChatGPT, it’s going to be mildly disappointing because they’re coming off a sugar high and they think the treadmill’s broken, basically. So, I mean, obviously, there’s a ton there that we can unpack, but I think for most people, what most people fail to understand is the key to use is use.

And just like a treadmill doesn’t help you combat heart disease unless you actually get on it, AI is not going to unleash your creativity or your productivity unless you use it and learn how to use it. And that, to me, that’s pretty much my obsession these days, is helping people be good collaborators to generative LLMs.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s lovely. And I suppose we could dork out about so many tips and tactics and fun things that you can do. But I’d love it if you could just orient us, first and foremost, in terms of, if there’s research or a powerful story that really makes the case that, “Hey, these things are really actually super useful for people becoming awesome at their jobs for reals as opposed to just a hype train or fad.”

Jeremy Utley
I’ll tell you about my good friend, let’s call him Michael. It’s not his name. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. But Michael was a lobbyist in Washington, D.C. and he and his family wanted to move back home to Tennessee.

And he was looking for a job, and he got a job offer from a firm. And he reached out to me and said, “Hey, I’m kind of bummed because I feel like this firm is low-balling me. But my wife really just wants me to take it because she wants to be back near family in Tennessee, and I’m really struggling with knowing ‘Should I push back?’ because I know that I deserve more, but I don’t want to screw up this opportunity to get close to family.”

And I said, “Well, have you role-played it with ChatGPT?” And he said, “What do you mean roleplay with ChatGPT?”

Pete Mockaitis
Of course, the question everyone asks.

Jeremy Utley
Right. And I said, “Well, you can roleplay the negotiation and just kind of get a sense for what the boundary conditions are.” And he’s like, “Okay, wait. What do you mean?” And I said, “Well, open ChatGPT and tell it you want to roleplay a conversation. But, first, you want ChatGPT to interview you about your conversation partner so that it can believably play the role of that conversation partner.”

“You want it to start as a psychological profiler and create a psychological profile of your counterpart. And then once it creates it, you want ChatGPT to play the role of that profile in a voice-only conversation until you say that you want to get feedback from its perspective and a negotiation expert’s perspective.” And he’s like, “Give me 15 minutes.”

So, he leaves, texts me in 15 minutes, “Dude, this is blowing my mind. What do I do next?” I said, “Well, Michael, the next thing I would do is tell your conversation partner that you want it to offer less concessions, and you want it to not be nearly as amenable to recommendations because it’s had a bad day or it’s slept poorly or something, okay? I want you to get a sense for what does it feel like if the conversation goes badly, right?”

He goes, “Okay, I’ll be right back.” Comes back, “Dude, this is blowing my mind.” And he did a series of these interviews, and I touched base with him. And a couple of days later, I said, “Michael, what’s up?” And he said, “Well, three things. One, I didn’t know what my leverage in the conversation was until I roleplayed it a handful of times. Two, I didn’t have clarity on what my arguments were until I roleplayed it a few times, what the sequence of my argument should be. And, three, and most importantly, I’m no longer nervous about going into this negotiation.”

And then a week later, he dropped me a note saying, “By the way, we’re moving back to Tennessee, and I got a much better salary than they had originally offered me.”

It turns out one of generative AI’s unique capabilities is imitation and taking on different roles. As an example, you can go into any conversation you’ve ever had with ChatGPT and just say, “Hey, would you mind to recast your most recent response as if you’re Mr. T?” And, instantaneously, “Yo, fool, I can’t believe you didn’t believe the last thing I said,” just immediately starts doing it. It doesn’t take much.

And the power, actually, emotionally and psychologically, of having roleplayed with a very believable conversation partner has a profound psychological and confidence boost effect to the person who’s engaging the roleplay.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s perfect in terms of, yes, that is a top skill that the AI has, and about the most lucrative per minute use case I can think of a typical professional doing. And you’re right, that confidence, I have actually paid a real negotiation coach, and he suggested we do a roleplay. And I had the exact same experience, like, “Oh, you know what, I guess I don’t feel so silly asking for what I wanted to ask for now. It seems fairly reasonable for me to do so. And I’m going to go ahead and do so.” And it worked out rather nicely. And so, to know that you can do a decent job for near free with AI instead of hiring a phenomenal negotiation coach is pretty extraordinary.

Jeremy Utley
It’s remarkable. And so, we actually, my research partner, Kian Gohar and I wrote a weekend essay in The Wall Street Journal about this topic. But think about a salary negotiation as a flavor of a broader thing, which is difficult conversations. Maybe it’s a performance review. Maybe it’s a termination conversation. Maybe it’s talking to a loved one about the fact that you’re not going to come home for the holidays.

There’s all sorts of scenarios where roleplaying the interaction increases your confidence, strengthens your conviction, helps you, perhaps, exchange perspectives. Perspective taking is a really important thing, to understand, “How did this land to the perspective of my conversation partner?” That’s actually something that’s really hard for humans to do but an AI can read it back to you in a way that’s really reflective of your conversation partner, and, in a way, that you can understand.

So, we wrote a whole article about this but that’s just one class of activities. But the point is it really helps when you actually do it. Again, the tendency is for somebody right now to go, “Oh, cool, roleplay.” But if they don’t pull out their scratch pad, and say, “Ask ChatGPT to be a conversation partner in this upcoming salary negotiation, or my quarterly performance review, or my conversation with my loved one about our care for our kids,” or whatever it is, you just won’t do it.

I’ve even built, and you can link it in the show notes if you want, I built a profiler GPT, which is basically, it’s a version of ChatGPT which remembers who it is, unlike Drew Barrymore in “50 First Dates” where you have to remind ChatGPT who it is every time. A GPT is just like a Drew Barrymore who has memory, right, and like a real human being.

And what this GPT is instructed to do is interview a user about their conversation partner as a psychological profiler would, and then create an instruction set to give the user to copy-paste into a new ChatGPT window of instructions to GPT to perform the role of the psychological profile that it created. So, that’s totally free, but somebody can just open that up and you can say, “My significant other, Sherry,” and all of a sudden, this GPT will just interview you, ask you a bunch of questions, you answer them, and then it spits out an instruction set to a new GPT to play the role of Sherry in the scene that you have told it about.

Pete Mockaitis
I love that. And it also illustrates one of your core principles to effectively using AI is to flip the script a little bit and say, “No, no, you ask me questions.” Can you tell us a bit more about that?

Jeremy Utley
I mean, why is our default orientation that I’m the one with the questions and an LLM is the one with the answers? That’s how everybody approaches it, right? Because that’s how Google works, right? We never think, “Google, ask me a question.” It’s like, “Uh, what are you talking about?” A language model is not a technology, it’s an intelligence. That’s how I would invite people to think about it.

And you can get to know another intelligence, in a weird way, that sounds kind of crazy, but one of the things you can do is another intelligence can help you get to know yourself better. And the simple way to think about it is, here’s another thing for your AI-try-this scratch pad, folks. Get ready to write this down.

Think of a difficult decision you’re trying to make in your life, “Okay, should I take this job? Should we make this decision? Should we move? Should we put our kid in this other school?” whatever it might be, think of that decision, and then go to ChatGPT and say, “Hey, I’d like to talk about this. But before you give me any advice, would you please ask me three questions, one at a time, so that you better understand my perspective and my experience?”

Well, that is right there. If you say you were trying to figure out whether you’re going to send your kid to a new school, I have four children so it’s a very realistic kind of decision for me. I can Google and learn all about the school. But should I send my child to the school? I’m just going to get their marketing material and it’s not going to be contextualized to me at all. But if I go to ChatGPT, and say, “Hey, I’m thinking about sending my child to this school, I’d love to get your advice. But before you tell me anything, would you please ask me three questions?”

All of a sudden, well, it’ll… “Tell us about your child’s favorite subjects.” I’ll tell it. “Tell us about any weaknesses or difficulties that your child has had in school thus far.” I’ll tell it. “Tell us about your child’s favorite teachers.” I don’t know, but an LLM will ask questions like that. And then it will say, “Based on your answers, here’s how I would approach this conversation.”

That’s what I mean by turning the tables on an AI, is put it in the position of an expert that’s getting information from you rather than the default orientation, which is you’re the expert and you’re getting information from the AI.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Now, we’ve been saying the words ChatGPT a lot. I’m curious, in the world of LLMs, we got your ChatGPT, we got your Claude, we got your Perplexity, we got your Gemini, we got your Grok.

Jeremy Utley
Don’t forget Llama.

Pete Mockaitis
Do you think of them as having different strengths and weaknesses? Or are they kind of all interchangeable for whatever you want to use them for?

Jeremy Utley
I don’t think they’re interchangeable, but I don’t think it’s necessarily because of the underlying model. I think a lot of it is a UX thing. I think that the best AI is an AI that’s available to you that you will use. Again, the key to use is use. So, which is the best AI? Well, it’s the AI that you’re going to use. So, where are you? Most of the time you’re on your mobile. So, I would say it’s probably the AI that’s got the best mobile experience.

And what’s your default orientation? My belief is that the far better orientation towards AI is voice, not fingers. If you think about how you typically interact with a machine, you’re typically typing stuff into a machine. And I like to affectionately refer to my fingers, like as I wiggle them in front of the screen, as my bottlenecks. These are my communication rate limiters right now.

Notice you and I aren’t typing to each other. Like, that sounds absurd, right? And yet that’s how we talk to most machines. I’m typing into the terminal. Well, now, I mean, OpenAI, besides developing the world’s fastest growing consumer application, they created the world’s best voice-to-text technology. And furthermore, now they’ve got AIs that actually just process voice, don’t even go to transcription.

But the point is AIs are now capable of understanding natural language. We talk about this phrase, natural language processing. You probably hear that phrase, natural language processing. And that means something technically. I think to humans, the important thing about natural language processing isn’t what happens technically, but it’s actually you as a human being can now use your natural language, which is your spoken word with your mouth instead of your fingers.

And I would say to anyone who’s listening to this, if your default orientation to any AI, ChatGPT or otherwise, is fingers, you are limiting yourself. You’re trying to run with crutches. It’s, like, you’re in a sack race, okay? Use your voice, lose your thumbs, and watch the level of your interaction skyrocket.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, as we speak in late October of 2024, as far as I know, having played around with the apps, it seems like, indeed, OpenAI’s ChatGPT has got the voice natural interaction thing down the best, as far as I am aware of. Is that your experience?

Jeremy Utley
In my experience, it is. The only other comparison I would say is Meta’s Llama has voice as well, which you can access via WhatsApp or anything like that. The caveat, I would say, is, you know, I was doing a demo. I had a reporter at my place yesterday, kind of I was doing a demo of how I how I use AI in my personal workflow as a writer. And one of the things that I was showing was I’ll use OpenAI ChatGPT voice mode, but then I’ll often grab all the text with my cursor or with my mouse, and I’ll drop it into Claude, and I basically will parallel process ChatGPT and Claude.

So, the fact that Claude doesn’t take voice input isn’t a hindrance if I’m on my computer. When I’m on my mobile device, which, I’m probably on my mobile more than I’m at my computer actually, Claude doesn’t handle voice input, and it’s a little bit unwieldy to go back and forth in apps on your mobile relative to toggling between windows on your computer. So, it’s not to say that means ChatGPT is the best, but when you say, if you have to choose one, right now the model which is most optimized for voice interaction in a – intuitive interface. That, to me, is the way that you should prioritize, is, “What’s intuitive? What can handle the widest range of human input?” And ChatGPT’s got great vision and great voice recognition. And, therefore, I would use that. I’ll give you another example. I’m taking Spanish classes with my kids, okay, and we’re doing these lessons and we have a tutor talking to us on a bi-weekly basis.

And I get this assignment. I’ve got to conjugate a particular verb, and she wants us to write it down. We got to take pictures of it right now. Write it down in my notebook. I’m trying to conjugate this verb, and I kind of get stuck. And I’m thinking, in my mind, like, we only get her twice a week. I’m not going to be able to talk to her until Thursday. It’s Tuesday afternoon. And I thought, “I wonder if ChatGPT can help me.” And I just take a photo of my notebook and my crappy chicken-scratch handwriting, okay, in Spanish, by the way.

I take a photo, I say, “Hey, you’re my Spanish tutor. Can you tell me what I’m doing right now?” “Oh, it looks like you’re trying to conjugate the verb “estar,” and it looks like you’ve missed seven accent marks. If I were going to correct your paper, I would do this,” and rewrote all of the statements that I just made, but properly. “I made this change because of this. I made this change because of this. I made this change…”

And I go, “Dude, it read…” I mean, if you see my handwriting, it’s abysmal. But I did miss all the accent marks, it got that right, because I’m not an accent marker. But, anyway, the point is, the vision capabilities are spectacular too. And when you start to think, again, right now, write that down on your AI scratch pad, people.

Like, people are listening, and the thing is it’s like popcorn at a movie, and we’re just like, “Nom-nom, that’s so interesting. Oh, photos of AI should do that.” You will not do it if you don’t write it down. I’m obsessed with this idea. As you probably know, I’ve got this AI podcast called Beyond the Prompt, which we have amazing kind of experts and lead users and things like that.

We had a guy, who’s former dean at Harvard, 30 plus year learning scientist veteran named Stephen Kosslyn, recently. And he’s kind of the father of the school of thought called active learning. Maybe some folks have heard of it. Active learning, some people mistake as, you know, learning by doing, which isn’t exactly correct, but doing what you learn is an important step.

And what he says is he would contrast what’s typically known as passive learning, which is just consumption, but he would say it’s not actually learning at all. It just happens to you. It’s like you’re renting it. And that information has a very short shelf life and a very short expiration window. Any information that you consume but do not use, you effectively did not consume it.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Yes, well said. Well, I’d also love to get your pro take here. It seems like we’ve got a whole lot of cool things we can do that are very handy. What are some things you recommend that we not do, or some limitations like, “No, no, you’re not prompting it wrong. It’s just not going to do what you want it to do right now”?

Jeremy Utley
You know, I’m not a fanboy, I’m not a stockholder, I don’t have any secondary shares. I have yet to butt up against the limitations of use, to be honest with you. I think, right now, most people’s primary limitation is not the technology, it’s their imagination. I would say, like, one way that I’ve put it to students at Stanford is, “The answer is yes. What’s your question?” “Could it…?” The answer is yes. The problem is, for most people, they don’t actually have a question.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, Jeremy, if I could put you on the spot a little.

Jeremy Utley
Yeah, please, please, please, by all means, but the challenge is actually finding a question worth asking.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. One thing I’ve tried every which way I can to say, “Yo, here’s a transcript of a podcast interview. What I want from you is to give me 10 options for titles that would be great, that are kind of like these dozens of title options I’ve written for you right here, I previously selected, or teasers.” And then whenever I do that, I get 10 or 20 options, and I go, “Hmm, not one of them am I like, ‘Yes, that is intriguing. That is awesome. That’s a phenomenal title that I want to use.’”

Now, it can nudge or steer me in some good directions, like, “Okay, that was a good phrase there. That was a good word there.” And maybe that’s sort of good enough in what I should expect from it in terms of, yeah, you can have a back-and-forth dialogue, it’s not going to spit out the perfect thing the first time, and be grateful for that. But I don’t know, since you are the master, any pro tips on how I can make it do this thing it just doesn’t seem to be able to do?

Jeremy Utley
So, this is great. What I’m hearing you say is actually a great case study of what we observed in our study, which got published by Harvard Business Review and Financial Times and NPR. We studied teams trying to solve problems, and you could call “Titling this podcast” as a problem that you’re trying to solve. We studied teams and individuals trying to solve problems with generative AI and studied “What do they do?”

And one of the kinds of natural problems that people have is they treat an LLM like it’s an oracle. Like I give it a question and it just magically gives me the right answer right off the bat. And what we would say is teams that treat AI like an oracle tend to underperform. But that’s not to say that everyone who uses AI underperforms. There’s a small subset of folks we studied who actually outperform.

The difference is they didn’t treat AI like an oracle. They treated AI like a co-worker, like a collaborator, like a thought partner. And so, what that interaction might look like is you ask for, say, 10 or 20, “Make it like this.” And then you get the output, and what it looks like to…let me ask you this. If an intern gave you 10 titles that you thought were mediocre, what would you do? Would you fire the intern?

Pete Mockaitis
Well, no, I would say, “Oh, hey, thank you for this. This is my favorite. This is my least favorite. That kind of what I’m looking for is, generally, more actionable, more intriguing, based on the needs of our listeners,” da, da, da, da.

Jeremy Utley
Do you do that to ChatGPT?

Pete Mockaitis
I’ve tried it sometimes.

Jeremy Utley
Yeah, you got to kind of, you got to critique the model’s output. You got to give it feedback. And I had that experience, actually. I had a hero of mine, Ed Catmull on my show a while ago, founder of Pixar, and I wanted the perfect title, of course. It’s, like, got to be the best title ever, right? And I asked for 10 and then I immediately always asked for 10 more.

I don’t even read the first 10. I asked for 10 more and never had ChatGPT say, “Dude, come on, you didn’t read my first ones, you know.” And they’re mediocre, you know, they’re okay. And I said, “Hey, I like one and three in the first set. I like seven and nine in the second set. Can you give me 10 more like those?” What do you think, are they better or worse?

Perfectly the same. Like, not any better, not any worse. And I was like, “Huh, but why? Why didn’t I like one?” I said, “Huh, okay,” I had to think. And what’s funny is, in our study, people who underperformed, AI feels like magic to them. It’s, like, they don’t do as well, but they’re like, “Wow, it just happened so fast.” People who outperform, who use AI to get to better work, it doesn’t feel like magic. It feels like work.

And that’s actually, that’s kind of a fundamental tension. I think we expect it to feel like magic or it sucks. And the truth is it’s just like working with another collaborator, and you do get to better outcomes if you’re willing to put in the work. And in this case, for me at least, the work was, I like number one because I’m a nerd and it has like an obscure movie illusion. I like number three because there’s a pun, and I’m a punny guy. I like number seven because there’s a movie reference baked in and I like number nine, whatever it is.

Then I said to ChatGPT, “Would you leverage that rationale as design principles for another 10, please?” six of the 10 were better than anything I had thought of. But the point is, it does require that collaboration. Now, that being said, that’s as a one-off interaction, Pete. I think what you should do in this case, if that’s it, and what anybody should do is, if there’s a routine workflow, like, how often do you title a podcast?

Pete Mockaitis
At least, twice a week.

Jeremy Utley
Okay. So, to me, that’s kind of square in the crosshairs of a task that it’s kind of a creative challenge, probably takes some amount of time. There’s a potential, you know, so there’s, call it, there’s a two-by-two somewhere that you would hire BCG to spit out, right? But you got a two-by-two, and this probably falls in the top right corner in terms of, like, it’s in GPT’s wheel housing capabilities, and there’s enough regularity that it would meaningfully impact your life or productivity. Great. Okay, there’s your two-by-two. I think that that’s a prime candidate for making a GPT.

Pete Mockaitis
I’ll just make a full-blown GPT?

Jeremy Utley
Yeah, why would you not make a podcast-naming GPT? And then you would put in its knowledge documents, all of the titles and your rationale. And then, importantly, it’s not that you make a GPT and you’re done. You make a GPT, then you try it, and then you see where it’s deficient, and you work to get it right, and then you reprogram, you iterate the instructions to the GPT relative to the work that you had to do in addition.

And what’s the process for that? I would say probably you’re going to instruct the GPT, “I want you to analyze the transcript. I want you to find what are the key points of emphasis in the conversation. I define emphasis as we spent more than two minutes on it or whatever,” I don’t know, right? “I want you to find wherever there is more than five back and forth, that’s evidence that this was particularly engaging.”

Or, furthermore, you might develop a protocol where, after your calls, you have a two-minute Zoom call with yourself, where you say, “Hey, here are the four things I thought were interesting.” And you load that into the GPT as well. I don’t know, “Consult the transcript and the follow-up call transcript that I’ve provided for you. Look for these points, then distill these into these brand guidelines, perhaps, or whatever it is. Then do this, then do this.”

You’d kind of walk the GPT through, you would actually articulate and codify that workflow. And then you would test it, and then you’d iterate it, and you’d test it, and you’d iterate it. And you’d get to the point, I would say, probably, if you’re doing it twice a week, by the end of the month, you’ll probably get to the point where, if you really take it seriously to iterate the GPT’s instruction set, over the course of a month, you’ll have something that’s really great.

Now, the problem is most people aren’t really systems thinkers and they just want to do like a one-off kind of like band-aid solution, which is fine. I’m probably more that way myself, unfortunately. So, I’d rather just, it’s less painful on a one-off just to do the work again myself. Systematically, it’s much more painful to do it one-off every time by myself. And so, you kind of got to decide.

And to me, that becomes a function of “What is a task whose output you would refuse to settle for less than exceptional?” That’s a great task for a GPT because you’re not going to be okay with anything less than a really good GPT. And it summons the requisite activation energy required for you to continue to invest in iterating it.

Pete Mockaitis
Understood. Okay. So, it starts with a mindset of, “Okay, don’t talk to it like it’s an oracle. Expect we’re going to need some back and forth, some collaboration, some iteration, some refinement.” And then it’s your bullish take that, at the end of the day, it’s going to cut the mustard and deliver the goods.

Jeremy Utley
Unequivocally.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. Beautiful.

Jeremy Utley
That, to me, is it’s unfathomable that it can’t deliver on that use case.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. You heard it here first.

Jeremy Utley
I mean, really and truly, and I’d be happy to workshop with you if you’d like. But, to me, that is absolutely a use case that GPT can shine with.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, we talk about use cases. You’re real big on idea flow. It’s getting a whole lot of ideas, a whole lot of creative options generated. Tell me, how do you use AI in that endeavor well?

Jeremy Utley
Well, the easiest thing to do is, which you did well in your example, is request options. I think, for most people, they ask one question, they expect one answer. And with a probabilistic, non-deterministic model, which means LLMs are probabilistic in nature, every time you ask a question, you’re going to get a different answer.

And sometimes the answer is there’s a higher degree of overlap, sometimes they’re radically different, even within the same instruction sets. You could say it’s a bug. I actually think it’s a feature because I believe in variability of thinking is actually what drives creative outcomes. And so, when you realize that, then, “Wow, I could hit regenerate and it will reconsider the question again?” “Yeah.” “Well, why wouldn’t I hit regenerate five times?” Great question. Why wouldn’t you?

And most people go, “I’ve never hit regenerate.” I think it’s actually probably the most important button on the screen. Because you have a collaborator, you and I are going back and forth, and I say, “Hey, Pete, what do we do about this?” You go, “Well, here’s an idea.” And I go, “Okay. Well, what else?” And you’re like, “Okay, let me dig deeper,” and then you say something. I go, “Okay. Well, what, like five more ideas?” And after a while, you’d be like, “Dude, I gave you all my ideas.”

But ChatGPT is not like that. AI is not like that. And so, one of the simple tricks for idea flow with AI is recognizing you’re not going to tire itself out. In fact, you need to recognize your own cognitive bias. I mean, it’s one of my kind of nerd obsessions is what’s called the Einstellung effect, which is the tendency of a human being to settle on good enough as quickly as possible, demonstrated since the 1940s by Abraham and Edith Luchins, where they’ve kind of documented, very clearly how human beings kind of get in a cognitive rut, and they just want a good enough answer, and they don’t actually get the best answer. They just get a good enough answer.

And so, to me, the key to maximizing idea flow with an AI is recognizing that the creative problem in that collaboration is actually your human cognitive bias, not the AI’s bias.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Thank you. Oh, boy, Jeremy, I could talk about this forever. But before we hear about some of your favorite things, could you share any other top do’s and don’ts?

Jeremy Utley
One thing, I think, is a really simple thing that you can do, and it’s not unrelated to your idea of asking ChatGPT or whatever, for a number, kind of saying how confident it is. One thing that you can often do is ask it to evaluate its own work, “Scale of zero to 100, how great was the previous response? Be like a tough Russian ballet instructor, give me critical feedback.” And it’ll go, “Oh, it’s a 60 out of 100 for this reason.”

Well, then you could say, “Okay, based on that feedback, can you rewrite it as 100 out of 100? Rewrite it as 110 out of 100. Now, regenerate it. Now, regenerate it again. Now, grade that one. Is it really 100? Bring in another Russian judge. What does the second Russian judge think?” So, one thing that you should definitely do is get AI to evaluate its own work. It’s far better at being objective.

Like, as a simple example for me, and then I also want to mention chain of thought reasoning, so make sure I come back to that. But one thing I’ll do is I’ll do kind of parallel processing between ChatGPT and Claude, and I’m having both work on something. I take their output and I feed it to the other, and I ask, “Which one is better? Is Claude’s work better or ChatGPT’s work better?”

You would think that they both advocate for themselves. They don’t, but they almost always agree. It’s fascinating, actually. There are times where ChatGPT is like, “I actually prefer Claude’s response for this reason, this reason.” And if I go to Claude, it goes, “I think my response is stronger for this, this, this.” And half the time, it’s the other way.

But it’s actually exceedingly rare that they disagree. They often will say the other’s is better, but they almost always agree with the other’s assessment too, which is fascinating, which is to say you can have models evaluate one another’s work. The other thing, the other huge do, probably the single greatest empirically validated finding is that the best way to get better output from an LLM. is to prompt it with what’s known as chain of thought reasoning, which is to say, tell the language model to articulate its thought process before answering.

And so, humans have this tendency, so do AIs, of what we all know as ex post rationalizing. So, if I ask you, “What’s your favorite color?” You say, “It’s blue.” “Well, why did you say blue?” You go, “Oh, well, I like the sky, and I like the ocean, and da, da.” But if instead, I say, “Hey, tell me how you think about what your favorite color is,” and you go, “Well, I probably think about my favorite things.”

And then I go, “Well, what are your favorite things?” You go, “Well, my wife, obviously, and I think about her eye color, and they’re green. You know, green’s my favorite color.” “Well, is it blue or is it green?” Actually, and for me, even as I think through that thought exercise, green, emphatically. I take my wife’s eyes any day over the sunset. That’s a no-brainer, right?

Well, similarly, language models do the same thing. If you ask it for an answer, and it says blue, and then you go, “Why did you say blue, ChatGPT?” it will ex post rationalize. And blue is very subjective, but even with things that are objective, more objective, it will ex post rationalize its answer. If, however, you say, “Hey, before you answer the question, would you walk me through how you’re going to think about solving this problem?” It will articulate its answer and it arrives at, from a research perspective, empirically better, more valid, more cogent, etc. responses.

And the reason it does so is because of how language models work. They aren’t premeditating their answers. So, what it’s not doing, as Pete asks a question, and then it thinks of its answer and writes it out. That’s not what happens. What happens is Pete asks a question and it reads the question and says, “What’s the first word of the answer?” and it says it.

And then it reads your question, and the first word it thought of, and says, “What’s the second word?” And then it reads your question and its first and second word, and thinks, “What’s the third word?” So, it’s not premeditating responses. It’s, literally, only predicting the next token. And so, when you ask it for an answer, the only thing it’s predicting is its answer.

If, however, you ask for reasoning and then answer, it first next token predicts reasoning, and then it incorporates the reasoning that it has articulated in its response, which results in a much better response because it’s not only considered your question, but it’s also considered reasoning first. And as a user on the other side of the collaboration, what that enables you to do is not only, one, get better responses, but, two, you can interrogate its reasoning too.

And you can say, “Actually, it’s not that I have a problem with your answer. I have a problem with how you approach the question. I actually think you should do this.” And then you can guide its reasoning path because you’ve asked it to make its reasoning explicit. Those are the two probably biggest do’s, I would say, when you ask for do’s and don’ts.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s cool. And it sounds like the key is that you ask for it in advance as opposed to, “How did you come up with that?”

Jeremy Utley
Yeah, exactly. That’s ex post rationalizing. It will give you a great answer. It’s a sycophant. LLMs have been programmed to be helpful assistants. And when you realize what that means, it’s a euphemism for suck up. So, if you ask it what it thinks, it’s going to say, “I think that’s a really great idea, Peter.” But if you say, “I don’t want you to compliment me. I want you to be brutally honest. Don’t pull any punches,” like, you got to really ask an AI to level with you to get honest feedback.

When you’re aware of that, it influences how you collaborate with the model, which goes back to the question earlier about idea flow. It’s recognizing your own, I mean, there are limitations to the technology, but a lot of times the truth is we want a suck up. I don’t want to hear how my first draft sucks. I want to hear, “Actually, you don’t need to do any more work. You go have a coffee.” That’s what I want to hear.

And if I don’t realize that the model has been trained to be a suck up, I ask it, assuming I’m getting the truth, and then when it tells me I’ve done great work, I say, “Well, let’s take a break, boys. We’re all done here.” Whereas, if I realize, “You know what, unless I really push it to give me straight feedback, it’s probably going to tell me I’ve done a great job. And I know my human cognitive bias is to overweight the response that I did a great job, and to underweight…” So, you have to understand yourself. In a way, the key to good human-AI collaboration is to really understand our own humanity.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s powerful. Thank you. And now could you share a favorite quote, something you find inspiring?

Jeremy Utley
One is Thomas Schelling, Nobel Prize winner in Economics, who said, “No matter how heroic one’s imagination, a man can never think of that which would never occur to him.”

The second quote that I love is Amos Tversky, Danny Kahneman’s lifelong research partner, who died prior to receiving the Nobel Prize. But Amos Tversky was once asked how he and Kahneman devised such inventive experiments. And he said, “The secret to doing good research is to always be a little underemployed.  You waste years when you can’t afford to waste hours.”

Pete Mockaitis
Awesome. All right. And a favorite study or experiment or bit of research?

Jeremy Utley
I think there’s a great one that I always come back to called the creative cliff illusion, which is conducted by Nordgren and colleagues at Toronto, I want to say. You can look it up, creative cliff illusion. But the basic idea is when they ask participants what their expectations of their creativity over time were, there is an illusion that one’s creativity degrades to a point that reaches a cliff where it almost asthmatically falls off. And people’s, their expectation is, “I’m just going to run out of creative ideas.”

The paper is obviously called the Creative Cliff Illusion because then, when they test people, it’s not true. They don’t run out of creative ideas. They, actually, their creativity persists. And my favorite part of the study is the shape of the creativity, over time, the variable that it’s most highly correlated with, i.e. “Does creativity dip or does it increase?” because it does increase for some people. The variable that determines the shape of your creativity over time is actually your expectation.

So, if you expect that you will keep having creative ideas, you do. If you expect you will cease having creative ideas, you do. And so, that to me is just totally fascinating.

Pete Mockaitis
Totally. And a favorite book?

Jeremy Utley
I love Mark Randolph’s book about the founding of Netflix called That Will Never Work. It’s a fascinating story about entrepreneurship, about grit and perseverance, and about ideas. And there’s a lot of very practical takeaways about the importance of experimentation in finding product market fit and succeeding.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And a favorite tool?

Jeremy Utley
I’ve got an electric chainsaw, and I love tromping around the woods, just chainsaw in hand, like, just in case I need it. It’s just so fun.

Pete Mockaitis
Awesome. And a favorite habit?

Jeremy Utley
NSDR, non-sleep deep rest protocol, Andrew Huberman. It’s, basically, laying down and becoming totally still, not for the purpose of sleep, necessarily. It’s okay if you do sleep, but it’s not in order to sleep, but to facilitate neurological replenishment, connections between neurons, and codification of memory. And I try, if I can, to NSDR once a day.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And is there a key nugget you share that seems to really connect and resonate with the folks; they quote back to you often?

Jeremy Utley
I talked earlier about the value of variation in one’s thinking. And the truth is ideas are naturally occurring phenomena, which is a nerdy way of saying they’re normally distributed. So, you got some really great ideas, very small, it’s a bell curve, right? You got a lot of ordinary ideas and you got some stupid ideas. Steve Jobs called them dopey ideas. He regularly shared dopey ideas with Sir Jony Ive.

Taylor Swift says, “It’s my hundreds or thousands of dumb ideas that have led me to my good ideas.” You got dopey or dumb on one side of the spectrum, you got delightful on the other side of the spectrum. The quote that I often say that people remember and resonates, and they take with them is, I tell people, “Dopey is the price of delight.”

The only way you get good ideas is by allowing yourself to have bad ideas. And the reason most people don’t have better ideas is because they won’t allow themselves to have worse ideas.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And if folks want to learn more or get in touch, where would you to point them?

Jeremy Utley
JeremyUtley.design And LinkedIn, I’m happy to chat with folks on LinkedIn. My website, JeremyUtley.design, I’ve got a newsletter folks can subscribe to. I’ve also got an introductory AI drill course where you get two weeks of daily drills for, you know, they say you need 10 hours of practice with AI to start to become fluent. This gives you daily practice to get your first 10 hours under your belt.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And a final challenge or call to action for folks who want to be awesome at their jobs? Sounds like we just got one.

Jeremy Utley
To me, it’s very simple. Do one thing you heard here.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Jeremy, this is fun. This is fascinating. Thank you. And keep up the awesome work.

Jeremy Utley
Thank you. My pleasure.

1009: Negotiating with Difficult People with Rebecca Zung

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Rebecca Zung shares fresh strategies to take on your biggest bullies and win.

You’ll Learn

  1. How to identify if someone is a high-conflict personality
  2. How to SLAY your bullies and win 
  3. The mindset trick to keep narcissists at bay 

About Rebecca 

Rebecca Zung is a high conflict negotiation expert, a U.S. News recognized Best Lawyer in America and USA Today Bestselling Author. Speaking on platforms worldwide, she is also a bestselling author of several books including the USA Today National Bestselling book SLAY the Bully: How to Negotiate with a Narcissist and Win and her YouTube channel has tens of millions of views. Her podcast, Negotiate Your Best Life has 2 MM downloads and is in the top .5% of podcasts globally.

She’s also the founder of the proprietary SLAY® Method, the proven blueprint for negotiating with narcissists and her programs, including her High Conflict Negotiation Certification Training program- a coach certification program – have transformed thousands of lives in more than 150 countries and on every continent.

Resources Mentioned

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Rebecca Zung Interview Transcript

Pete Mockaitis
Rebecca, welcome.

Rebecca Zung
Thank you. Thank you for having me. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, thank you. Well, I’m super excited to hear your perspectives. And I’d love it if you could start us with an eye-popping jaw-dropping tale of narcissism run amok in a workplace. Lay it on us.

Rebecca Zung
Ooh, run amok in a workplace. Gosh, I think it’s going to just be like one of my stories. But, in a workplace, I’ve seen it in so many different situations, but one of the ones that I thought was the most egregious was a client that I coached. She had been a CFA for, I think, a Fortune 20 company here, and she was wooed to Hong Kong. Initially, she thought she was going to actually be a CEO of China, Asia, of this particular company. It was a family-owned company but, like a billion-dollar company, and she was going to be the CEO of one of the divisions.

And so, this guy completely love-bombed her, brought her to Hong Kong several times, told her that this is how it was going to be, that she was even going to be able to have women’s initiatives, and all sorts of other things, and she wasn’t really looking to leave her other position, but, because this particular person, who was based in Hong Kong, really laid it on for her, and put everything that she wanted into the contract, that she ultimately left her position, moved to Hong Kong and started with this company.

Now, this guy was the son of the owner, who was a billionaire who lived in Switzerland or something, but so she gets there, and the first day, she doesn’t really have an office. There’s all kinds of files and extra things in the office that’s supposed to be hers, and the guy that she was talking to the whole time, he’s not even available to meet with her on the first day. So, they stick her in this office, and they don’t really have anything going on for her.

They don’t even really put her on the website, and that day turned into the next day. And then she started asking questions, and then they were documenting her file that she was difficult. And then the guy started to say, “Well, we’re not ready to have you go into that position just yet. You’re going to start off over here.” Meanwhile, they’re paying her according to the terms of the contract, but they’re not giving her the position.

And, really, she was just trying to get the position that she came there for. And so, ultimately, she hired me and we figured out a way that we could potentially expose him and some things that were going on in that company. And she didn’t, ultimately, wanted to go back there but she just didn’t want, like harm done to her career, and so she was able to make a settlement from it. But that was like one of the craziest stories that I’d ever seen, ever.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah. Wow, that’s almost like a nightmare movie situation. You could turn that into a horror movie, it feels like, in terms of you know how we’re all a little bit nervous about a new job. It’s like, “This is the worst.” You’re out of your element, your family, your friends, your country, and it’s not what you thought and hoped it would be. That is spooky. Okay.

And so, then, in her situation, the result was to hire one of the best lawyers in America, according to U.S. News and World Reports, and really get into the meat of the matter. And it sounds like you went right for the juiciest, scariest, most sensitive thing they might be worried about a lawyer going after. And I guess we’ll just have to wonder what that might be for confidentiality’s sake, I’m guessing, unless you’ll indulge us. Will you?

Rebecca Zung
Well, I mean, I can’t say too much more because I don’t want it to be so obvious of who it was or whatever, but let’s just say the best way to get to a narcissist is always going to be looking at, what I call their diamond-level supply, which is their image, how they look to the world, their reputation, and then you take their own behavior, and so you’re not lying about anything, you’re not contriving anything.

I call it ethically manipulating the manipulator, and you say, “Well, you know, here’s what’s going to happen if we don’t come to a resolution. I don’t want to have to do this, don’t make me have to do this, because I just want to walk away in peace and I want my life. But if we can’t come to a resolution, then this is how it’s going to have to be.”

Pete Mockaitis
All right. There you have it. Understood. So, right from the get-go, we’ve seen the worst-case scenario and then the nuclear option for responding to the worst-case scenario. Understood. Maybe we could back it up a little bit and share, as you’ve worked with this stuff, you’ve researched, you’ve written the book, you’ve worked with clients, any particularly surprising or counterintuitive discoveries you’ve made when it comes to this adult bully stuff?

Rebecca Zung
Yeah, they’re always way more afraid of you than you are of them.

Pete Mockaitis
Really?

Rebecca Zung
Yeah, and they love to, you know, what I think of it? It’s always very similar to me when I think about the bully in “A Christmas Story.” Did you ever watch that movie? It’s like on every year.

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, yeah.

Rebecca Zung
So, in “A Christmas Story,” this little kid is being bullied every day by this other kid, who’s like bigger, taller, he says he has yellow eyes, and he’s on his way home, and he’s like, “Oh, God, here comes that guy again.”

And then, one day, he’s so mad about other things going on, and it was just not the day to mess with him. And so, he fights back against the bully and ends up, like, going crazy on him. And after that, the bully ran away from him and never bothered him ever again, because it was really all about fear-mongering and terrorist tactics, right? But it all comes from a place of scarcity, a place of fear. It’s not authentic power.

True authentic power, it doesn’t have to use all of that. I love the analogy of “The Wizard of Oz” because in that movie, Glinda the Good Witch, when the Wicked Witch came around, went, “Go away. You have no power here.” And the Wicked Witch went, “Oh, God, I’m not messing with her. I’m going to go mess with people who are actually afraid of me.”

Because Glinda was, like, completely non-plus, it was like a gnat flying around, like, “Please, lady, not even wasting my time.” And that’s what it’s like when you have true authentic power. You don’t have to use control tactics, you don’t have to use fear-mongering, you don’t have to use all of these things because you know who you are, and that’s what makes all the difference in the world.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. I love that. You know who you are. Potent. If I may, if we don’t yet know who we are, how do we get there?

Rebecca Zung
Isn’t that the $64,000 question, right? I mean, you start by realizing that they’re preying upon your own triggers, your own traumas, your own fears, and not who you were born to be. You’re born to be authentically powerful in your mission, in your purpose. And you know when you’re there because you feel aligned with everything that you’re doing, everything that you’re saying.

And what narcissists do is they prey upon your vulnerabilities. They prey upon people who they don’t feel secure. So, dealing with your own traumas, your own triggers, understanding all that stuff got layered on, you were born as a perfectly wonderful baby who had no fears, other than maybe falling or loud noises. But as a beautiful brand-new baby, you feel completely like, “Life is good. Everybody loves me. I love everyone.”

And then what happens? Your parents do something, or grandparents, or kids, you go to school, you get bullied at school, somebody says something, looks at you wrong, then your neighbor kids, and dah, dah, dah, dah, whatever, and your siblings, who knows? But all this stuff gets layered on and you forget that you actually are truly and authentically powerful as you are. You are innately valuable, innately worthy. And what narcissists do is they prey upon people who don’t feel that sense.

And so, the more you gain respect for yourself, the more you realize that you don’t need to respond to every little thing that they do, you don’t need to defend yourself, you don’t need to argue. I always say I’m half Chinese, so I always wear jade, but never jade, never justify, argue, defend, or explain. Because the more you do that, you’re giving them your power, you’re saying, “Here you go. Have my power.”

The true act of power is to take that back and say, “I see you. I see you like I see a toddler having a tantrum on the floor, but when I see a toddler having a tantrum on the floor, I don’t feel like I need to get down on the floor and have a tantrum with them or actually get into it with the toddler.” You just go, you look at them, and you go, “Okay, are you done yet? Well, when you’re done…”

And that’s the way you have to do it. I say you have to put an invisible shield down around you and start putting up boundaries, and say, “I demand respect for myself. I don’t care if you’re my mom, my boss, my sister, my brother, my neighbor, or my best friend, I deserve to be treated with respect and I’m not going to engage in conversations where I’m not being respected.”

Pete Mockaitis
Understood. And I’m curious, when we think about, if you want to call them bullies or narcissists or high-conflict personalities, what proportion of the population falls into this category versus might someone just happen to have a different perspective than us, and be having a bad day? And how do we tell the difference?

Rebecca Zung
Yeah, great question. So, when I did my research for my book last year, I found that approximately 15% of the population has a personality disorder that lacks empathy. So, it’s about 6% or 7% narcissism, and then you go into there’s bipolar or personality disorder, there’s other personality disorders that lack empathy. And so, when you put them all together, it’s about 15%.

Now, then there’s also a percentage of the population that has what they call high-conflict personality disorder, which may not necessarily be narcissism or bipolar or any of these others, or borderline or whatever, but it could potentially be extremely difficult to deal with. Now, what I have to say is that this is a spectrum, right? So, all the way to the end of the spectrum are your people that have these personality disorders that lack empathy.

If you think of Jesus, or the Dalai Lama, or whoever your person is, on the other end of the spectrum, then everybody else sort of falls in between. And so, like where are you on that spectrum? It’s hard to say but we all have an aspect of narcissism in us. I mean, we all want to feel, seen, heard, and know that we matter. That’s the human experience. That’s just who we are.

But it’s when you are to the end of the spectrum, where you’re like, “I am in so much pain, so much shame, so much hurt, so much whatever is going on inside of me, that I feel empty inside and, therefore, all I can do is try to get as much supply as I can to the detriment of anybody else. I don’t have the capacity to have feeling for anyone else,” that’s when it’s an issue.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, these numbers are higher than I expected. That’s a good chunk of folks, and just lacking empathy, and so just operationally, definitions, let’s hear. I think I know what empathy means. When you say it in this context, what do you mean?

Rebecca Zung
Having the ability to step in somebody’s shoes, and say, “I get you. I feel you. I understand you. I understand your pain. I can see why you would be hurt by that. Your dog just died. Oh, my God, that’s just awful. I feel that pain for you. I feel that.” A person who doesn’t have any sense of that is like, “Okay, but you’re still going to come to work, right? I mean, you’re not going to…I’m not going to lose money over this, right?” Like, they’re just thinking about themselves in that situation.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, so you’ve got an acronym to slay the bully, S-L-A-Y. Can you walk us through it?

Rebecca Zung
So, S stands for strategy, L stands for leverage, A stands for anticipate, Y stands for you. The strategy piece is having a vision, a goal, a very specific vision that’s not defined by the narcissist or the bully. It’s defined by what you want. And so, what does that look like? Does it mean, if you’re breaking up with a business partner, that you want to keep the business, that you want to be bought out, that you want to buy them out, that you want to sell the business? What does that look like specifically?

And then L is leverage, which I alluded to earlier, but basically if you have these two different forms of narcissistic supply, which is anything that feeds the narcissist’s ego, and the higher-level form of supply for them, the ultimate form is that diamond-level supply, which is going to be their image, their reputation, how they look to the world, all the window dressing. It could be a prestigious job, prestigious friends, big house, money, the big bank account, the car, whatever it is.

It could be a new girlfriend, a new business partner, a boss, colleagues, employees, people that they don’t want to look bad in front of, they will protect and defend this form of supply above any other form. The secondary form of supply is what I call co-level supply, and that is bullying people, making them feel small, pushing them down so that you feel bigger, smearing people, passive-aggressive remarks or behavior, moving the goalposts in negotiations constantly for no reason whatsoever. All of that is what I call co-level supply.

In order to get a narcissist to not be constantly in your space anymore, you have to figure out a form of supply that’s more important for them to protect, i.e. the diamond-level supply, than the supply that they get from manipulating you, and that’s the co-level supply, and then threaten that source of supply, otherwise, they will never leave you alone.

And I want to back up for a second, and just give a quick little overview about how a narcissist is formed. How they’re formed is formed in childhood. I alluded to this toddler in an adult body, but it’s because when they were children, they were in fight or flight on a continuous basis, different times over and over. When this happens to any of us as humans, our brain emits hormones, adrenaline and cortisol mostly.

And that cortisol, when it’s being built up in a brain of a child, can actually cause arrested development in the limbic part of the brain, and that’s what causes the issues. So, while their prefrontal cortex can continue to develop, the thinking and all of that, what happens is, if they get triggered as adults by a perceived slight, loss of control, exposure, it could be a tone, it could be an eye roll, it could be a body language, whatever it is, then that limbic system is activated, it shuts down the prefrontal cortex, and now you’re dealing with full-on emotion, and they don’t think clearly.

They’re not thinking in terms of rationality. They can’t think long-term, “What’s the impact of what I’m doing?” And so, they will literally take themselves down to take down the other person because they see that other person as public enemy number one. Everything is black and white with them, “You’re either for me or against me. If you’re against me, then you’re public enemy number one.” That’s why it’s impossible to negotiate with, or communicate with, a personality disordered person as you can a rational or reasonable person. Does that make sense?

Pete Mockaitis
Understood, yes. So, we’re not really talking about the sensible, rational issues, and the options, and the best path forward, but we’re more so, it’s like, “I’m going to take away your toy. Deal with that.”

Rebecca Zung
It’s 100%, “Even if I’m going to get in trouble, I don’t care.” Because I’ve seen guys that’ll say, “I will burn my business to the ground before I have to pay her alimony.” And you think, “Why the hell would you do that? That makes no sense because then you don’t have the income either,” but that’s what they do, because they’re in that full-on, “I’m not thinking from my reasoning brain.”

Pete Mockaitis
Well, Rebecca, that’s an interesting example there. And so, they say that, and in that moment, they feel that, but in practice, do they actually do that?

Rebecca Zung
Yeah, you do start to see them doing things like that, you know. They’ll fire their top person because that person wasn’t on their side, sided with the wife, or they’ll just stop working. So, we always say in the divorce world, that they end up with SIDS. The incomed spouse, whatever, whoever that is, ends up with SIDS.

We call it sudden income deficiency syndrome, like, “Oh, suddenly they’re not making any money.” And they have no money as soon as the divorce starts. But part of it is because they just decided, “You know what, I’m not going to take contracts, I’m not going to fulfill on them,” things like that.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, and it’s really hard to kind of wrap your arms around because it’s not rational.

Rebecca Zung
It’s not rational.

Pete Mockaitis
And, in some ways, it’s slightly rational in the sense of, if we’re being stone-cold no empathy, it’s like “Hmm, well, now I am earning half as much money from engaging in this work that I get to pocket for myself as I was before, therefore, I’m less interested in doing many of these jobs.” So, I guess in some ways, there’s a cold rationality to it.

But at other times, that’s self-destructive situation you described in terms of, it’s like, “I’ll burn my company to the ground before I pay you a cent because I’m filled with rage.” That stuff, that’s sort of eye-opening for me. I guess I’ve lived a sheltered, kind existence, that folks, they don’t just feel that way in the moment, but they, in fact, execute the rational steps over weeks, months, years to execute.

Rebecca Zung
Yeah, they do it, I’ve seen it. And the other half of that is that people will pay attorney’s fees that they don’t need to be paying. I’ve heard guys say to me, “You know, I’d rather pay you than her.” And so, they are constantly blowing up potential settlements because they don’t want…They enjoy the game of it, it’s the sadistic piece of it.

And so, normal rational people will sit down at a negotiating table, and they’ll say, “All right, how can we make sure that both sides feel seen, heard, know that they matter, get something that they want from this exchange so that we can come to a deal? Like, who wants to pay lawyers? Or who wants to keep fighting? Or who wants to…?” Like, there’s a cost to all of that, right? Not just lawyer’s fees, but also part of your life, and the stress of it.

And whether you’re dealing with a business litigation situation or a partnership litigation or maybe you’re just trying to negotiate with a boss for a raise, or a colleague, or whatever it is, it doesn’t have to be a litigation setting, but they’re not trying to come to a resolution. They enjoy the game.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, that really is eye-opening in terms of a total reframe. It’s like, “Oh, the normal game I’m playing with normal people almost all the time is not what to do here.”

Rebecca Zung
No.

Pete Mockaitis
“Instead, I’m going to take this other approach,” which you’ve been walking us through, so we get strategic and leverage, and please continue.

Rebecca Zung
Yeah, so A is, anticipate what the narcissist is going to do, and be two steps ahead of them, which means you know they’re going to try to bait you, you know they’re going to try to trigger you, you know they’re going to try to do whatever they can to continue to get their supply source, their hit. I mean, they’re like drug addicts almost. And so, you want to come up with ways that you’re going to stay ahead of them, shut that down.

And so, what I do is I give people, you know, I have a whole wealth of tools in the toolbox, but some of them, for example, are what I call fluff or favor, vomit later, which is fluff up their ego a little bit to get a little something that you want give it in exchange for something that they want. It’s like you’re fluffing up a pillow, basically. So, sometimes that might be the plan.

Sometimes the plan might be making a plan stand, I call it, which is, whenever you have to meet with them, make sure you have an agenda, a scope, and a time limit so that they can’t sandbag you, so that you keep it to facts, not feelings. Because one of the things that a narcissist will constantly try to do is bait you into all sorts of things, whether it’s going for the jugular.

If you think that you’re really great at money, or handling, or careful with money, they’ll say that you’re a spendthrift, that you were horrible, that the only reason why they have money, the company’s making money is because of them, you know, stuff like that. And you want to sit there and defend yourself, “What are you, crazy? You weren’t even here. I was the one that brought in that particular client, and I was the one…”

Now, they have you. That’s exactly what they want. So, you want to go, “No, today, we’re talking about this issue. We’re trying to figure out how we’re going to dissolve this partnership, and we’re going to look forward. We’re not going to look back,” because you don’t want to get into that.

And then having a time limit because you want to be able to say, “Oh, you know what? It’s an hour or two hours, whatever it is that we allotted for this and, while talking to you is my absolute favorite thing on the planet, we’re going to have to continue this conversation another day,” because you want to take control of the narrative instead of having them take control.

And then the Y is you, which is your mindset. We kind of started with this at the beginning, which is great because I kind of like to start with it. But it’s you and your authentic power and you being on the offensive instead of the defensive. You thinking about how can you walk forward instead of backwards or even just staying straight. You’re shifting a power dynamic. You’re really going 180 degrees a lot of times.

And so, I say, step one, don’t run. Step two, make a U-turn. Step three, break free. Y is you breaking free? Y is you saying, “You know, I see you all the time. I don’t even care because you’re not a thing in my life anymore.” Oak trees don’t worry about whether the wind is going to blow, because they know they’re rooted, and that’s what you want to be.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. So much good stuff. Well, now, could you maybe walk us through a couple examples of all this played out in action?

Rebecca Zung
I’ll give you an example for the Y. Many people ask me, like, “What’s a main message when you’re dealing with a narcissist or anybody?” And I always say that you and you alone define your value, and people will think what you tell them to think, and that includes a narcissist.

And I’ll tell a quick little story, which is when I first went out on my own many years ago, I had been practicing law for a few years before, and then I went, I was a stockbroker at Morgan Stanley for a couple of years and I had my Sears seven in ’66. And then I decided to go back to law to start my practice. And at the time, I hired a business coach, and I said to her, “Ugh, these people are going to think I’m such a flake. Like, I literally went from being a lawyer to financial, to back to being a lawyer.”

And I was in Naples, Florida at the time, which was a very affluent community, very kind of judgy, you know. And so, I said I was very worried about looking flaky, and she said, “People will think what you tell them to think.” She said, “You can tell them that you’re a flake or you can tell them that you are the only family law attorney that has a financial background, so, therefore, you are more qualified than any other attorney in town. Which story would you like to tell?” And I said, “Oh, maybe I’ll tell that one. That sounds pretty good.”

Pete Mockaitis
That sounds that’ll be better for a client position and bill a lot.

Rebecca Zung
“That sounds better. I’ll take that one.” So, that’s what I did. I positioned myself that way, I marketed myself that way, and within two years, I had the top family law practice there and I was representing billionaires and all sorts of very powerful influential people. And I can tell you that none of them would have hired me if they thought I was a flake, but it was really how I showed up.

And if I had showed up as, “Oh, I’m sorry. I know I jump around a lot,” and kind of defending myself, then people would have seen me as that. But I showed up as, “No, this is who I am, and this is what I do, and this is my background, and this is actually going to help you.” And I can’t tell you how many people hired me because of that, “I’m hiring you because you’re the only one that has a financial background.”

But it’s such a lesson because you define your value, and people will think what you tell them to think. You can tell once people walk into a room and they know who they are and you can’t mess with them. But they define that.

Pete Mockaitis
Beautiful. Okay. Let’s hear another story.

Rebecca Zung
Well, one of my favorite stories is I call it the $2 million apology. So, I was doing a mediation and I was representing this guy who was, like, the top developer in Florida.

Pete Mockaitis
Real estate developer?

Rebecca Zung
Yeah. And even at the time that we did our initial meeting, our initial consultation, he was acting like I was so lucky that he was choosing me to be his lawyer. And at the time, I was, like, referring out like 80% of the people who were coming to me, and so I had way too much to do. And so, I’m like, “I roll in the whole time, like whatever,” but he goes to hire me.

And so, at the time, he goes, “Oh, is there any room in your retainer or your hourly rate?” And I looked at him, and I was like, “No, but I’m happy to refer you to cheaper people if you’d like.” And he was like, “No, that’s okay. I’m going to go with you.” I said, “Okay.” So, then fast forward to mediation, it’s like 12 hours, it’s like 9:00 o’clock at night, we’ve been there forever, we’re all like ready to get out of there, and we’re about ready to sign the agreement. And the wife was going to get about $2 million in alimony over the next few years.

Of course, she was getting a lot of other assets as well, but part of it was alimony. And so, the mediator comes in to me, and says, “Hey, Rebecca, can I talk to you for a second?” I’m like, “You better be coming to me with an agreement that people are signing. Like, what are we doing over here?”

Pete Mockaitis
“At this hour.”

Rebecca Zung
Yeah. And so, he pulls me out in the reception area, and he says, “I have a very unusual request from the wife. She is willing to waive alimony if he will apologize to her for everything that he did to her during the marriage and take responsibility for it.”

Pete Mockaitis
Verbally, not written?

Rebecca Zung
Verbally.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay.

Rebecca Zung
Yeah, so she wanted him to go into the room without anybody else there and apologize. And I’m like, “What’s the catch?” and he’s like, “No catch. This is what she wants to do against her lawyer’s advice, whatever.” I’m like, “All right.” So, I go back into the room and I tell my client what he has to do, “Go to school over there, you know, like a puppy dog with your tail between your legs, whatever, say your thing and then she’s going to wave alimony.”

And he says, “No, I’m not going to do it.” And I’m like, “Yes, you are,” because I’m thinking to myself, “I’m going to have to give this guy, like in the lawyer’s call, a CYA letter, like cover your you-know-what, because what the heck is he doing over here?” And so, I’m like, “I’m going to kick your ass. Like, get over there.”

So, he finally goes over, and he apologized, and she signed off. She waved alimony. And it was like that important to her to get him to apologize but he almost didn’t do it. And so, at the end of the day, we’re standing in the parking lot, he signed, he’s got a signed agreement, the thing is done, and he says, “Hey, by the way…” he’s like, “Thank you very much.”

And he said, “By the way, I just want you to know that I’m glad that you didn’t negotiate your retainer or your hourly rate at the beginning,” he said, “because if you had, I would have thought that you were going to be soft negotiating on my behalf throughout the divorce.” And I was like, “Oh, really?” But the whole thing was very interesting to me and almost like a great case study in negotiating in so many different ways, because I stood firm on my value, and then the fact that he didn’t want to negotiate at the end because of his own ego, his own pride.

Because what would happen is that he no longer would have a tie to her because he wasn’t going to be paying her these monthly payments, so he couldn’t continue to control her. And that’s part of the reason why she also was willing to waive alimony, because she wanted a clean break from him, and he didn’t want to do it. He didn’t want to let go of his supply source but he finally did.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, there’s a lot of layers and things to unpack there. And what’s powerful with that value is that it was, in negotiation they talk about the BATNA all the time, the best alternative to negotiate agreement. And in your situation, it really was the case that you were pretty well booked up, you were referring out lots of work, and therefore, you truly, it sounds like, weren’t even tempted in the least to reduce your retainer.

Like, you could walk away, “And I will not be upset,” as opposed to, if you were just getting started, you’re like, “Oh, man, I need every client I can get. Well, maybe,” you know, you probably have some more temptation there.

Rebecca Zung
Oh, well, I have a story about that, too, if you would like.

Pete Mockaitis
Please do.

Rebecca Zung
So, when I did first go out on my own, the guy who ultimately ended up being my law partner, when I moved to California, he had been practicing for years. He was, basically, like my dad’s age and he was a member of the Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, he’d won all these awards, whatever. He’s such a wonderful man.

I went out on my own, he wasn’t my partner or anything, he was just my friend. He was really opposing counsel in some ways, like 5:00 o’clock one day, I had been out on my own for maybe a month, my receptionist says, “Hey, Jack Long is here to see you.” I’m like, “Jack Long is here to see me? Okay.” So, I go out and sit down in the conference room, and he says, he was from New York originally, so great, and he goes, “I need to talk to you about your hourly rate.” And I said, “What?”

And he goes, “It’s too low.” And so, I mean I was charging like $2.85 an hour or something like stupid because like, I said, “Well, I’m so afraid I’m not going to get clients, you know.” And he goes, “I’m going to tell you a story.” He said, “When I first went out on my own in 1969, or whatever it was, like, it was forever ago,” he goes, “I did a divorce for a guy and I charged him $4,000. And he comes to me and he goes, ‘Jack, you did a great job for me. You charged me $4,000.’” And he’s like, “Yeah?” And he goes, “My wife’s attorney charged her $5,000.” And Jack’s like, “Okay, so you should be happy.” And the guy goes, “Well, obviously he’s better than you.”

Pete Mockaitis
Hmm, obviously.

Rebecca Zung
And so, Jack stood up at that point, and he goes, “Raise your damn rates.” And he walks out. The next day, he calls me, and he says, “I got a great referral for you.” He said, “I’m conflicted off.” It turned out to be Arnold Schwarzenegger’s goddaughter, so I ended up getting to travel with Arnold and become close to him and their family.”

But he says, “I’m giving you this referral,” he said, and he started to explain the case to me and he gave me all the details. And then at the end, he goes, “And they have money, so charge something decent for Christ’s sake,” and he hung up the phone. And so, I took that client, and that day, I raised my rate by, like, a hundred dollars an hour, or something, and I never looked back. We went up from there, obviously. But it was such a good lesson for me.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, there’s so much there with regard to pricing and psychology. And, boy, my favorite part was the word obviously because, in fact, the relationship between price and quality is fuzzy, and sometimes the best lawyers don’t cost the most. It’s just that high prices have to fund fancy buildings and other overheads, as opposed to strict quality of any professional. But, nonetheless, the perception remains, like, “Oh, well, the best are obviously, obviously the most expensive and the cheap ones must not be the best!”

Rebecca Zung
Yes, exactly. And that’s why he told me to raise my rates.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, tell me, any final thoughts before we hear about some of your favorite things?

Rebecca Zung
I always like to tell people to start looking at people from an observer’s perspective, because the way people treat other people is a direct reflection of the way they feel about themselves so you can never take anything personally. I mean, people who feel great about themselves don’t go around treating other people like crap. That’s just the bottom line.

So, if you take things personally, then it really is about how you’re feeling inside. So, don’t let your trauma do the talking. Don’t let your trauma do the picking. Do the personal development work and all the rest will come.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Now, could you share a favorite quote, something you find inspiring?

Rebecca Zung
I love the one from Rumi, which is, “Set the world on fire. Seek those who fan your flames.” I love that one because I want you to think about, like, “Are people dousing your fire? Are they pouring water on it? Or are they fanning your flames and throwing logs on it and saying, ‘Hey, I love seeing you fly. I want to see you fly some more. There’s room for everybody’?” So, that’s one of my favorite quotes.

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, thank you. And a favorite book?

Rebecca Zung
I love The Seat of the Soul, Gary Zukav; The Power of Intention, Wayne Dyer; A Return to Love, Marianne Williamson. I love there’s one I’m reading right now, actually, called This Thing Called You by Ernest Holmes, I think is the author. It’s an older book, but I didn’t even know that it existed. So good. Really, really powerful.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And is there a key nugget you share with clients or in your books, that folks tend to remember and repeat back to you frequently?

Rebecca Zung
I think it’s the things that we’ve been talking about. You know, one of the things that I do say that I hear is what’s negotiable is contracts, issues, and terms. What’s not negotiable is your self-respect, your self-esteem, or who you are.

Pete Mockaitis
And if folks want to learn more or get in touch, where would you point them?

Rebecca Zung
My YouTube is RebeccaZung.TV. I do have a “Crush My Negotiation” prep playbook that people can get for free which is at WinMynegotiation.com, and then my website RebeccaZung.com has literally everything, tons of resources, a lot of everything about all my courses, my coaching programs, my certification, all of that.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. And do you have a final challenge or call to action for folks looking to be awesome at their jobs?

Rebecca Zung
I would say do everything with complete integrity, and do what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’re going to do it, how you say you’re going to do it, even with the smallest things, making promises to yourself and the rest will come. The first negotiation that we have to do most of the time is with ourselves, for our own self-worth, keeping the negative committee quiet in our head. And so, by keeping promises to yourself, it helps you raise your own self-esteem and become the best version of who you are.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. Rebecca, thank you. This is beautiful, fascinating, fun. I wish you many successful negotiations.

Rebecca Zung
Thank you. Thank you, Pete. It’s been great.

1008: The Nine Steps for Making Career Progress with Ethan Bernstein

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Ethan Bernstein reveals the process for finding and seizing career opportunities you won’t regret.

You’ll Learn

  1. The four quests driving every career transition 
  2. The exercise that keeps you relevant 
  3. The problem with job descriptions—and what to focus on instead 

About Ethan 

Ethan Bernstein is the Edward W. Conard Associate Professor of Business Administration in the Organizational Behavior unit at the Harvard Business School, where he teaches the Developing Yourself as a Leader and Managing Human Capital courses. He spent five years at The Boston Consulting Group and two years in executive positions at the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, including Chief Strategy Officer and Deputy Assistant Director of Mortgage Markets. Bernstein earned his doctorate in management at Harvard, where he also received a JD/MBA.

Resources Mentioned

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Ethan Bernstein Interview Transcript

Pete Mockaitis
Ethan, welcome.

Ethan Bernstein
Thank you, Pete. It’s great to be here.

Pete Mockaitis
Well, I’m so excited to hear some of your wisdom. And I’d love to know, you are teaching and researching organizational behavior, and that was a field of study that I did and I love it so much. Can you share with us a particularly surprising or fascinating discovery you’ve made about us humans and organizations that has really struck you and stuck with you?

Ethan Bernstein
So, I spend my days and sometimes nights studying workplaces, particularly trends in workplaces, like increased transparency, increased connectivity in workplaces today, the way that affects employee behaviors, and the way those behaviors affect performance. And one of the things that’s captured my attention, I suppose you call it a surprise, is that we’ve been two-plus decades in the field of organizational behavior telling people to chart their own path, find their own way, create their own journey, and people still don’t really know how to do it, and it shouldn’t be a surprise because we really haven’t told them how.

And so, that’s what led to this interesting bit of research that we’ve been doing around how people hire jobs for the job they want to do in their career as opposed to just being hired by organizations.

Pete Mockaitis
How people hire jobs. That’s a fun turn of a phrase right there.

Ethan Bernstein
Well, Clay Christensen, who was one of my dissertation advisors, created a theory called Jobs to be Done Theory, which Clay used to solve one of the key frustrations he had. He saw great organizations, great people, creating new products that didn’t sell, and for him, that was frustrating because it just seemed like a waste. All these great people, all the material and time and everything else that went into it and then ultimately didn’t work.

And the Jobs to Be Done Theory suggested that the reason for that was that people don’t just buy a product, they hire a product for a job to be done in their life. And so, if you sell a product based on attributes, like an apartment has granite countertops and an open kitchen, that’s not actually why people buy it. People buy it because they can imagine themselves cooking in that kitchen, talking to people.

That the experiences, not the features, are what matter, and that if you really understood the experiences people were looking for, the struggling moment that led them to hire that product for a job to be done, then you could create other products to solve that job to be done better. And if you think about why people move jobs, that’s oftentimes why they move jobs. They realize that they’re struggling, they want to make a certain kind of progress, that progress isn’t being delivered by the organization or the role they’re in, and so they seek a different role that could do that.

And that was the surprising moment, I suppose, for me in 2009 when I saw Bob Moesta, who worked with Clay on the protocols behind Jobs to Be Done, do one of his investigative journalistic interviews of a consumer who bought a product to understand the causation behind why that person had bought that product, what job they’d hired that product to do.

And I sat there thinking, “I gave some advice to somebody on their career this morning. I should have done this because then I would have been able to provide better advice.” And 15 years later, that’s what we’ve done over and over again, over a thousand times to collect the data for this book.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s cool. That’s cool. And when you say, with regard to the data in the book, any really striking themes, patterns, insights that just pop off the page for you?

Ethan Bernstein
So, as an academic, I expect there’d be huge variation in the causation. People, it seems, choose different jobs for a whole variety of reasons. When we actually took all these interviews, these 60-plus-minute interviews, coded them, all the rigorous research that keeps me fully employed, we actually found that the things that push people away from a particular role and pull them towards a particular role, that there’s actually a lot of commonalities.

We clustered it all down to 30 pushes and pulls, which is a remarkably small number if you think about it. Now, I will say, to me that’s a small number. To the outside world, 30 was too many. So as publishers said, “Wait, wait, 30, that’s too many for us to remember,” we then went back and looked at patterns across and found even more so that if you look at the patterns across those pushes and pulls, people are largely just on one of four quests.

And what stage of your career you’re in, what stage of your life you’re in, can have impact, but people will filter through each of those four quests over the course of probably their career. But understanding what quest you’re on then provides a person with the ability to make them more awesome at their job because that’s when the advice matters. You can give great advice to a person on a different quest and it can be bad advice because they’re on the wrong quest for that advice.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, that’s really resonating, and I’m chewing on this. Could you perhaps bring this to life for us with a particular person and a transformation that they saw as they were thinking through this stuff and coming up with fresh insights by thinking about it this way?

Ethan Bernstein
So, let me explain the four quests a little bit, and then I’ll do what Michael Horn, my co-author, made me do in the book, which is I put myself in the book, and I’ll write myself into the framework as well in a prior role, not in my current one, just in case the dean of Harvard Business School is listening to this podcast.

So, the four quests. One is, get out. These are people who genuinely find their energy drained by the role they’re in and find that the capabilities they want the organization to be drawing on aren’t the capabilities that is actually being asked for. So, they are both not happy with how their work is going and the what of their work. And for them, they’re just looking to reset both those dimensions, they’re trying to get out.

Think of the opposite dimension. If you’re trying to build on both things, you’re actually quite happy with the work environment and you’re happy with the capabilities you’re asked to deliver, you just want to take the next step. So, for some reason you’re ready for that next step and you want to take it, and the organizations of the world and the world in general is pretty much designed for the take-the-next steppers. That’s so-called progression in most organizations.

The off dimensions are more interesting. So, if I love what I’m asked to do, the what, and some of us are out there right now thinking, “I love being what I am, like, what I’m asked to do. I’m respected for the work I do, and so forth, but I hate the how. I don’t want to commute anymore because it wastes my time. I’m working too hard because I have a new family. I’m not working hard enough because I’m an empty nester.”

“The manager that’s now managing me because that person switched doesn’t respect me for the way I’m doing my work, and so they’re asking me to do work differently for their purposes, whatever the case might be. The work drains my energy more than drives it. And so, I want to reset the how, I want to regain control.”

The people who, on the other hand, love the work environment they’re in, everything about it, or most things about it, but they’re being asked to do things, that the reputation they’ve got, the work they’re actually being asked to deliver, is not drawing on the capabilities they either thought that they have or want to have, those people are trying to regain alignment. And so, once upon a time, Pete, I was a consultant.

Pete Mockaitis
Me too.

Ethan Bernstein
I thought we might have that in common. And I had been asked, at a firm I loved, I really actually, I loved the job, and I had been asked to step in for somebody who’d left a project midstream, and it was a restructuring project. And I stepped in, we delivered the product to the client, we delivered the project, all was good, and then another such project came along, and because they needed someone with that expertise in the local office, they asked me if I would do it, and I said, “Okay.” I mean, I was still at the stage of my career where I was like, “Sure, of course, I’m happy to help where I can.”

So, now I had two projects in restructuring under my belt, and we all know that restructuring projects oftentimes involve certain amounts of layoffs, and so that was something I was, apparently, getting good at. So, when the third time around, right, a client came to ask for this and wanted the same team that had done the previous projects, I got called and brought into the conversation with the client even before the project began, and was introduced as the expert on that.

And that was the moment I knew I needed to regain alignment because that had never been my intention. And this happens to a lot of people on project-based work and other work. You just develop a reputation and expertise that wasn’t what you wanted to do, and you love the how, but the what? And that’s how I ended up at the Harvard Business School doing a doctoral program.

Pete Mockaitis
That’s good. Well, I can’t help but chuckle, here we are, former consultants, and we find ourselves discussing yet another 2×2 matrix. We can’t help ourselves.

Ethan Bernstein
If it weren’t an actual 2×2, it would have to be a 2×2 in the sky that we would be seeing in our own imaginations. But yes, and I will be clear though, this is not categorical as a 2×2 typically is.

So, get out, take the next step, regain control, regain alignment. These are like poles on a map – north, south, east, and west. There’s a lot of space between the North Pole and the South Pole. There’s a lot of space between regain alignment and regain control, and people are in that space. So, these are just likelihoods.

In fact, we offer an assessment based on the pushes and pulls so people can try to figure out where they might be on the quests using an assessment at JobMoves.com. It’s available for free. But the assessment will just give you likelihoods and then you ultimately have to pick based on those likelihoods.

This is not about telling you what you are. This is about helping you be more aware of where the pushes and pulls are so you can understand if those forces are aligning enough that they overcome the habits of the present and the anxieties, the new solution that might keep us in our role feeling stuck, maybe silently quitting, I don’t know quiet quitting, I don’t know, but it’s understanding the alignment that might be drawing us to something new.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay, that’s handy. So, we can think about things in terms of “Do we have a fit on the what side and on the how side?” You’ve got a juicy teaser, I can’t resist, there’s a mindset shift that helps us love instead of regret a new job. Is this it or is there another one you want to unpack for us?

Ethan Bernstein
So, that’s the broad one. So, if Clay’s frustration was around new products that didn’t get sold, my frustration is around people who disrupt their lives, sometimes their family, certainly their career trajectories, in order to take a new role only to find, six to twelve months later, they’re unhappy with it, which, if you just asked a room, “What’s the fastest you’ve ever gone from taking a new job to knowing it wasn’t right for you,” over three-quarters typically say between a month and a year.

That’s my frustration. And that’s not leading anybody into a good place. It is causing us a huge amount of disruption and it’s an indication, I think, of a process that’s broken. And so, my goal here is to try and help people do that better.

Pete Mockaitis
Certainly. Well, I’m curious then, on the outside looking in, it could be a little bit tricky to know, “What’s my experience going to feel like in that month to year in which I go, ‘Uh-oh, oopsies.’” Do you have any pro tips in terms of, like, top research methodologies or questions to ask or steps to take to prevent this regret?

Ethan Bernstein
So, let me offer you a few a few thoughts from the book and from our research and from my course “Developing Yourself as a Leader,”

So first, I think having the pushes and pulls is helpful. That list, you ask somebody, “How do you do it? How are you feeling about this job?” they have no idea how to answer. You give people a list of 30 items and ask which ones are operational for them, it’s much easier. It does prime them, but given the data, suggests that most of those are going to be covering what people are feeling, it’s just an easier place to start with a menu as opposed to start with a blank slate.

Then, once you’ve got a sense of your quest, you know which dimension you’re on and where that likely is, then you start asking yourself the question, “Okay, so what drives my energy and what drains it?” And this is, again, not about attributes. It’s not about the granite countertop and the open kitchen. These are experiences. In the job world, those are titles.

Titles have a huge return to ego, and you’ve got to get a better one. Those return, that return does not last long. What you really want, actually, is to think about what you’re going to do, not what you’re going to be. That has a much longer life cycle in terms of its return to you.

On the capability side, similarly, we talk about strengths and weaknesses. I’m sure, Pete, when I talk about strengths and weaknesses to you, you have a sense actually, those are sort of ingrained in you, what we’d say their trait instead of state. Instead, think of something like a balance sheet that describes you in the current moment in time. Just like a company, you have assets, things that are acquired by you at material cost, that you are hoping will deliver future value in your career, acquired, by the way, and funded by liabilities, usually the expenditure of time, effort, and potentially money.

Those assets depreciate over time. If they depreciate without you replenishing them, thinking about the next role, you’re not staying relevant. So, you can think about a much more deliberate approach to building and keeping, maintaining, your capabilities, given the change of the world around you, than strengths and weaknesses really gives you permission for.

And all of that begins to then shape up what it is you’re hoping to achieve. Once you’ve done that, I have another set of five steps after that. So, we’ve gone through steps one through four, five steps of advice for how you actually get what you’re looking for.

Pete Mockaitis
Could you give us a few examples of assets to help shake off static strengths, weaknesses kind of a framing we might be operating with?

Ethan Bernstein
When I do this with my students, a couple typically show up routinely. There are skills out there, hard skills, technical skills. If you’re a software engineer, then your degree of knowledge about a particular platform of engineering, that’s an asset. These platforms, these languages change. That’s something you need to reinvest in if you want to stay relevant. And there are many other kinds of technical. For market analysts, your knowledge of the market, any one of these pieces of technical knowledge, that’s certainly an asset.

Pete Mockaitis
I’m thinking about marketing too. It’s sort of, like, things are constantly changing in terms of, like, just the rules for Google ads or Facebook ads. And then it’s like, “Oh, yeah. Well, that strategy worked three years ago, but, oh, you’re doing that now? Oh, wow, that’s really out of date.” And it’s funny, these, it seems like some skills have a short shelf life and some almost seem eternal.

Ethan Bernstein
There are some evergreen skills, but there aren’t very many. We want there to be more than there actually are, I think. And so, most technical skills today depreciate much faster than they used to. So Boris Groysberg, who once upon a time, he’s a faculty member here on the Business School’s faculty. Boris explained to me this exercise, and his favorite example is mechanics, an auto mechanic.

An auto mechanic of the 1960s, you learned a car, you leverage that for 20 years. You learn a car in 2020, 2024, how long does that really last? Things are changing much faster, especially the degree to which it’s about coding and not about the actual mechanical skills. It’s different. It’s changing. And part of the reason people are so so desperate for progress, on a daily or weekly or monthly basis, is because they’re just trying to remain relevant. So that’s one, technical skills.

Another one that comes up frequently? Relationships. Networks. Network might seem evergreen. My friends will always be my friends. My contacts will always be my contacts. Weak ties will remain weak ties. That’s, oftentimes, the way we find information. Not by the strong ties, not the people that we’re closest to, but the friends of friends, if you will.

And yet, really think about it. If you don’t invest in those relationships, how long do they actually last? Maybe a couple years? Maybe you can go back to someone five years, ten years down the line and say, “Hey, remember those great times we had? By the way, I’m looking for a job. Do you know any interesting openings?” But a network depreciates, too. Most things depreciate.

Pete Mockaitis
Yeah, that’s heavy, and you’re right. We wish more stuff lasted longer, because just the way we wish our roof lasted longer. We didn’t have to spend the money to replace it as often. So, I would like your thought then, what does really, really last?

Ethan Bernstein
Well, my own view is actually what lasts is the constant effort we put into refreshing our assets. So, remaining relevant is a deliberate act, and the more deliberate you are, the better off you are on that capabilities dimension. Now, if you’re in a build, not a reset mode, you’re just trying to refresh what’s on there.

The good news for most of us, though, who are oftentimes finding ourselves on the reset capabilities front, where we’re trying to, for example, regain alignment, if all assets do depreciate over some amount of time, there’s actually quite a bit of flexibility as long as you anticipate it. And so, our advice, our core advice, is not to go for the evergreen product, but instead to think about where you want to be in five years’ time.

Worry a little bit less about your income statement, if you will, today, and a little bit more about your balance sheet tomorrow, because that’s what’s likely to be able to influence what you’re going to be considered for on the next job.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And do you have a general approach by which we attempt to deduce, “Okay, what assets do I need in the future? And how shall I prioritize the cultivation of them?”

Ethan Bernstein
So, we find that most people enter a move, either because of pushes or because of pulls, either they’re being pushed away from something, or they’re being pulled towards something. It’s an opportunity that looks too good not to consider, or, “I’m frustrated with my current situation.” Whichever one you enter in, the next step is to think about the other side of it. What are you leaving behind? What might draw you in?

We have not written a book about finding your dream job because we don’t believe in dream jobs, we believe in good tradeoffs. So, we encourage people to not answer the question, “What do you want to do next?” We, instead, ask people to answer the question, “What are three to five prototypes of what you might want to do next, given the quest you’re on?” It’s a much easier question for people to answer. And the more contrast you create across those prototypes, the more contrast creates meaning for you and you understand the relative nature of these things.

And that conversation then, combined with your energy drivers and drains of past jobs and the capabilities you have and the balance sheet you might have or might not have and want to build, help you begin to think about how to prioritize certain tradeoffs over others for your next move. So, it is about choosing, not about designing from scratch.

This is not just a two-by-two or pie in the sky, but it is about choosing wisely based on your particular progress, the kind of progress you want to make. Because what we saw in The Great Resignation, when people want to make a certain kind of progress and the world offers them progression that doesn’t match, what do they do? They leave.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Now, when you say three to five prototypes, could you articulate, like, “Here’s what I mean by a prototype, like how someone might articulate that sketch?”

Ethan Bernstein
It’s three to five versions of a job you might want to have. Just like if you’re a new product developer, it’s three to five versions of the product you think that people might want to buy. I’m not going to ask you, Pete, what you’re looking to do next, but…

Pete Mockaitis
I might do this until I die. We’ll see.

Ethan Bernstein
But maybe there’s a version of this. Maybe there’s another podcast around the corner. What does that look like? How is it that you would change this or change that? Would it be within an organization? Would it be outside an organization? A side gig? Is it a set of side gigs? Is it a part of my portfolio? What dimensions could I change? Could I change geography? Could I change role like a functional role? Could I change any one of a number of aspects of this?

If I took the core central quest that I’m on, let’s say it is regain alignment, and wanted to change some of the capabilities I’m being asked to do, okay, what are the three to five versions of that role I could imagine that would allow me to do that, that would still take into account the fact that I like the way my energy is driven currently by the job?

Those pushes and pulls don’t exist for me. And also took into account the capabilities I might want to keep, I might want to build on, so that I’m just focused on changing the dimensions that would allow me to achieve what I’m trying to achieve in the next round.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay, I think I hear the conceptual idea of what you mean by a prototype. Could you now say, for yourself or someone, students that you’ve encountered recently, how they would articulate all of that in a conversation?

Ethan Bernstein
So, here’s an example. One story in the book is of somebody who believed the next job she wanted to have involved working with scientists and travel. So, a travel coordinator at a top scientific magazine sounded great, until she discovered that actually a travel coordinator neither works with a scientist nor travels. But the job description sounded fantastic. The party material was great, but what she was going to do wasn’t what she ultimately wanted to do.

But that’s where the prototypes come in, so that would be one potential prototype. And you can go out there and find these roles, if you need to, but most of us have the ability, especially if we have one or two or three jobs in the world, to get a sense for, “Okay, so based on what I’ve done, which are the pieces I keep, which are the pieces I don’t?” But that’s an example of it.

Pete Mockaitis
Oh, I like that. I like that a lot. And I think, so often folks get the wrong idea about a job from the outside. And I’m thinking about sort of early career or picking majors, and our folks will say, “I’m going to go to law school because I like arguing, and in the courtroom, I could do that.” And so, hopefully, they’ll learn pretty early in the research process that, “Well, hey, most of the work of a lawyer is not that most of the time, and you’re mostly researching stuff and writing stuff and talking about why this paragraph or clause needs to go or be adjusted in such a fashion. So, you want to know that earlier rather than later.”

Ethan Bernstein
And once you’ve specified five prototypes, you would do what any new product developer would do. You’d go ask people about them. So, you can actually learn before switching if you have the material to go have those conversations, and we’re not talking about just people talk about informational interviews. That is part of this.

But you’re not actually looking for a person’s job, or a job like theirs. You’re actually looking to truly understand that lawyer, “What does she do on a daily basis? Does it match this prototype or not?” Because if it doesn’t, then you’ve been sold a bill of goods by the world that doesn’t actually exist, and it’s good to know now before you switch than after you switch and discover that you’re one of those people who, one month to 12 months in, took a role that you didn’t want to take.

Pete Mockaitis
Understood. Thank you. Okay. Well, you say we got nine steps, and you say we’ve covered some steps and there’s more to be covered. Just so we get it on the record, could you enumerate, “Step one is this. Step two is that”?

Ethan Bernstein
So, nine steps, and you’ll notice in the book, it looks like a little bit of a Chutes and Ladders view. But step one, we’ve talked about, understanding the pushes and pulls. Once you’ve understood the pushes and pulls, we’re going to try to start putting those on the dimensions. So, step two is understanding the energy drain and drivers of prior jobs, and then the capabilities, doing a balance sheet exercise, a career balance sheet exercise, step three.

Step four, then, identify your quest. It doesn’t have to be exactly right, but at least getting an initial sense of what your quest might be. You can always go back and revisit these later. Step five, then you develop those prototypes, those three to five prototypes, because it’s a much easier answer than what do you want to do, to say what are the three to five things you might consider doing.

Step six, to pick the prototype. Here’s where we look at those priorities that you’ve made, the decisions you’ve made in the past, what you prioritize in your energy drivers and drains, what capabilities you might want to focus on and see if that can inform us to go towards at least one prototype, maybe two. Then check those prototypes against real jobs out there to ensure that these prototypes are not just dream jobs, they’re trade-offs, they’re ways of deciding on things that actually exist and matching them to those real opportunities.

So, now you’ve been through seven steps. At some point, someone is going to ask you to describe those seven steps so that they can have a compelling reason to hire you, and that’s step eight, to create your story spine. We’re not talking about an elevator pitch. Part of what we’re trying to do is encourage people not to sell themselves into a job that’s trying to sell them something about the organization, but instead go for match, go for fit.

So, instead of an elevator pitch, which is typically a sales pitch, we’re asking people to use the Pixar Story Spine to come up with the progression, the narrative, of how you ended up deciding that this is what you needed to do next and be able to do that quickly in short order. And only then, step nine, is to apply for jobs.

You only actually apply for those jobs once you have all those pieces because, especially in a talent environment like today, if you’re one of a hundred, you might have trouble finding the job. If you’re one of three, and you’re really compelling about the reasons why you’re one of three, and it’s a great fit, you’re much more likely to be successful in making that move.

And if we are, indeed, in a world, which we seem to be in, in which people will move jobs, that could be internal or external, once every four years on average, more frequently for certain generations, people make progress by moving. And if you’re going to do that, you want to make as much progress as you can within a single move.

Pete Mockaitis
And can you   a picture for what a one in a hundred candidate sounds like versus a one in three candidate?

Ethan Bernstein
So, I am the person around here who spends a lot of time thinking about HR. So, here you get to hear my pet peeve first.

Pete Mockaitis
All right.

Ethan Bernstein
Job descriptions. Job descriptions these days have everything packed into them, and there’s a good reason for that. You mentioned lawyers earlier, Pete. Lawyers want us to be able to hire anyone so they put everything they can into the job description. And what it ends up sounding like, you’ve seen some of these, right, “Entry-level job. Five years of working experience required.” It’s just, no one can fit into a job description these days because it looks like they’re asking for unicorns.

So, what do we do as individuals in the workplace who want that job? We take our resume, we put it all in there, we pack everything we can into it so that we can be the superheroes who will fill that role. So, we’ve got a matching process between superheroes and job descriptions. It’s not doing anyone any good to find fit. It’s just two people trying to sell each other on a fit. Sales is not fit.

So, that’s what the one in a hundred looks like. You’re trying to convince somebody that you’re better than the other 99 on the dimensions you’ve read about in the job description using the lines of your resume. The one in the three? That’s the person who doesn’t just have the resume with all the stuff in the words, but actually can explain the spaces in between the roles, can talk about the trajectory.

It doesn’t have to be a line. It can be a zigzag. Most of us zigzag all the time. That’s how we make progress. If it looked like a straight line, then it’s just progression, which is fine, but most of us don’t look like that, and we haven’t written a book for people who are on a progression because they know where they’re going next. That’s the one in three, though.

The one in three is the person who actually has an explanation, a story spine that makes sense for the zig and the zag, that makes the person who you’re talking to convinced that actually this is the right role for you because you will grow in the role and the role will grow with you, and the organization and the individual will both benefit.

Pete Mockaitis
Understood. So, we’ve got the story, the context, the whole picture, it fits together, and there seems to be a real deep congruence or rightness about it. That’s cool. I want to follow up on what you said about the lawyers. The lawyers want the job descriptions to sound like anyone could do them. Could you expand on that? What’s this behind the scenes for us that we should be aware of?

Ethan Bernstein
Oh, so for years, organizations have structured job descriptions to allow the hiring manager as much flexibility as she or he wants to hire the person they ultimately find for the role.

Pete Mockaitis
In order to protect them in the event of a liability situation, lawsuit.

Ethan Bernstein
Right. Exactly. Well, I don’t know if it’s just to protect them, to ensure that they can say “This person fits within the job description that we ultimately found.” I’m not an employment lawyer so I’m not going as far as pretending to be one. My law degree did not take me that far. But there is a degree to which it permits them flexibility as a hiring manager, because there’s just enough in there that anyone could fit the job description.

That’s kind of the problem, isn’t it? Anyone can fit the job description. We actually suggest shadow job descriptions that the manager can share so that people understand what the role actually does require as opposed to what could potentially be the shape and form of the job.

Pete Mockaitis
Understood. Well, it’s funny, this actually never occurred to me that the job descriptions are formulated with an intention other than clearly describing the job and who might flourish within it. Call me naive, Ethan.

Ethan Bernstein
Well, I’ll tell you, I, oftentimes, when I’m talking with people about this, will ask a poll question about how much jobs descriptions describe the work that people are ultimately doing in their roles. Some people come out in the 80 to 100 percent, but it’s a small number. Most of the time, most of what we’re actually doing, we don’t remember being in our job description, or we don’t think our job description really prepared us for.

And that’s because, if you track the history of job descriptions, where they came from and how they’ve developed, they really weren’t necessarily designed to do that over time. They’re designed to do something else. They’re designed to provide the hiring manager with the flexibility she needs in order to hire the people that she wants to hire.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay, inside scoop, behind the scenes. Thank you. Well, let’s say that we’ve gone through a lot of these steps and it’s like, “Okay, wow. This is really clear. I need to make a change, and this is sort of what it looks like, and, boy, we’ve got an opportunity that looks appealing, and maybe we’re going to apply,” but there’s some just emotional stuff in terms of there’s some fears, some anxieties, there’s the devil you know. How do you advise folks when their head says, “Yeah, we got to get out of here and go in a direction like this,” but internally they’re feeling fear, anxiety, and really not sure about taking the steps, making the leap?

Ethan Bernstein
Development is a social process, we know that. So, therefore, is moving. If you’re not actively talking to people about your development goals, ideally people at work, then you’re going to end up in a situation just like you described, “I’ve gotten eight steps in and now I’m feeling very anxious because what I have in my mind and what the world around me thinks of me, we’re on two different wavelengths at this point.”

So, every step, of that nine steps, for us, is social. The pushes and pulls, we actually have a chapter in the book for mentors to be able to train up on how to do that job, that interview. What Bob Moesta, our co-author, developed with Clay in terms of the protocols for conducting an interview on Jobs to be Done, and then they do it together.

Each step, actually, involves other people. That should have a huge impact on reducing the fear and anxiety you’re talking about before it becomes overwhelming, before it becomes such a block that people simply don’t move forward. It is counterintuitive because most of the time, we don’t want to, don’t feel comfortable talking about this at work, but maybe that’s because we haven’t had a common language, we haven’t had a common framework, we haven’t had, Pete, the two-by-two.

But, more importantly, we haven’t had a process that we could bring to the table, that individuals could bring to the table, to make use of the assets, the people around them, because my field has been saying for decades. “Lead your self-development, this is great. It gives you all the flexibility in the world.” We were talking about this, to create your own journey, and we just haven’t given people the advice and the means for doing it. If we do, maybe they’d be more comfortable making this a social process.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. Well, Ethan, tell me, anything else you want to make sure to mention, top do’s and/or don’ts, before we hear about some of your favorite things?

Ethan Bernstein
Don’t talk about what you’re going to be. Talk about what you’re going to do. Don’t focus on strengths and weaknesses. Think about your assets and liabilities instead. Don’t do this alone. Be social in the process. I know it sounds very counterintuitive, doesn’t it, based on how people typically do this.

But I guess I would conclude with don’t keep expecting more from each other. So, this is a conversation, ultimately, in most organizations between the individual, the manager, and HR. Each of those parties has had a bit of a history for pointing the finger somewhere else. HR says, “Managers don’t have time.” Managers say, “I don’t know what the employee wants.” Employee says, “No one wants to listen to me.” This has to be a joint endeavor.

And so, top do? Don’t keep this a secret. People are very open, typically, to understanding what you’re trying to achieve. And the less you say as an individual, the more people think that what you’re needing in terms of progress is big rather than small. Whereas most people, when you really dive down, are just looking for little bits of progress over periods of time.

As a manager, don’t ignore the fact that we’ve given you 30 pushes and pulls. We’ve given you the reasons why employees quit. Many employees quit. So why not use those to have a conversation about which might be operating or not operating with the people that you’re working with, and see if you can’t start a conversation which people leaders are aware of how their individuals are feeling on those dimensions that matter for making them potentially move?

And then HR? Track it all. Because quests do change over time, but they don’t change over days. So, if you have a sense for what people are trying to achieve, you’re much more likely to both make them productive, as opposed to quiet quitters, and you’re much more likely to retain them than using the tools that we’ve been using forever, which include things like, frankly, money. Money’s great. Everybody would like more money. Everybody would like a better work life.

Everyone would like all these things, except when you give it to people, we, it affects us for a little while, and not so much after that, because in the end, we each have our own definition of progress. And if you’re not aware of what that is, either as the individual, the manager, or the HR person, you’re not actually customizing the employee experience to the person who you’re trying to keep.

Pete Mockaitis
All right. Well, now could you share a favorite quote, something you find inspiring?

Ethan Bernstein
I’m going to go to a Mark Twain quote, given where I am in the world. “The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.” And every time I hear that quote, I’d love to ask him a question, “What on earth am I supposed to do in between?” The answer is, make progress. And, hopefully, some of this advice helps everyone out there not just be awesome at their job but make progress in it as well.

Pete Mockaitis
A favorite tool, something you use to be awesome at your job?

Ethan Bernstein
Chalk. Believe it or not, at the Harvard Business School, we still have chalkboards. You know why?

Pete Mockaitis
Tell me.

Ethan Bernstein
As opposed to whiteboards, this is at least my understanding of it, at least as opposed to whiteboards, when you write with chalk on the board, people hear it. You’re actually working with the students to make progress together in the classroom. And that’s why I love chalk because the sound, and the work together, putting their comments on the board, because I’m not writing my own thoughts, I’m writing theirs, goes from blank slate at minute zero to full board at minute 80, structured in a way that we actually understand how we’ve all contributed actively to the conversation and the progress we’ve made together.

Pete Mockaitis
Beautiful. That’s poetic. Yeah. And a favorite habit?

Ethan Bernstein
I have a six-year-old and a 12-year-old. My favorite habit is reading to them every night.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And is there a key nugget you share that really seems to connect and resonate with folks; they quote back to you often?

Ethan Bernstein
Maybe I can answer that question and anticipate your question about my favorite book at the same time. I, oftentimes, will end my course with a children’s book that I then rewrite for the lessons of the course. It does turn out, though, you don’t need to rewrite that much. Yes, pull out the red pen, cross out some lines here and there, make it more focus to the course, but you can learn a lot from a book like Pooh’s Instruction Book.

Pete Mockaitis
Okay. And if folks want to learn more or get in touch, where would you point them?

Ethan Bernstein
I’m at e@hbs.edu, just the letter E.

Pete Mockaitis

That’s really cool. That’s one of the shortest email addresses I’ve ever encountered. Beautiful.

Ethan Bernstein

Seven characters without the period and the @ sign, yep.

Pete Mockaitis

And do you have a final challenge or call to action for folks looking to be awesome at their jobs?

Ethan Bernstein

Think about the next one now.

Pete Mockaitis

All right. Ethan, this is fun. I wish you much lovely progress.

Ethan Bernstein

Thank you, Pete. This has been fun. I really appreciate the questions.